Psychological Abuse
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Psychological Abuse
I hope it's OK to post this here, my AH is still doing well staying clean thus far but I have also talked about the past of pretty bad emotional/psychological/verbal abuse (two small occassions of physical abuse but that's not his "MO"). Anyway, we seperated last year for a while and got back together and he really seems to have made huge strides of the way he treats me and has been clean for a few months now. But as it always does, the abuse is creeping back in. I know I have to leave before it gets worse, I can't say I didn't try, I just need to vent this out / share so I don't internalize it like I have done in the past and don't really have anyone to talk to about it.
He would always like to undermine my opinions, didn't like if I disagreed with him, and I was never ever allowed to speak bad about anyone, even if the person was basically Charles Manson, because "I do bad things to" etc. I think in a way it was his way of justifying his bad behavior and his addiction, if I was calling anyone else bad, even if it was for a true off the wall reason like murder (literally) I was in the wrong and shouldn't do that. It gets your head all sorts of screwed up to be constantly invalidated and it's happening again.
This morning he saw a post on FB about a couple in a nearby town who were arrested for child porn, rape, making and pandering porn with a FOUR year old. He said how sad for that child. I said OMG four years old? That's terrible, what monsters they are. (A normal reaction especially from a mother of young kids). He used it as a way to get at me. He said to me "You're no better than they are, you're the terrible one." I said "What the crap are you talking about???" and he said "The way you talk to the kids, the way you never let them do anything fun, the way bla bla" (Since we have gotten home he has taken to letting the kids do whatever they want all the time which leaves me to be the "unfun" one who has to put them to bed, make them eat a veggie etc- I swear on anything i am NOT a bad Mom). So basically just to degrade me he said I was worse than a child molester pedaling kiddie porn. And he didn't let up. I shook my head and walked away and as I did I looked back at him and he had this satisfied smirk on his face. I didn't say another word to him while he got ready for work and on his way out the door he hugged me goodbye and told me he loved me and when I didn't hug back right away he said "See, you are never nice to me. You wonder why we don't have sex as much as you would like us too, you can't even hug me." So I had to hug him back and tell him I love him just to end it.
I don't want to go back down this road again. These interactions, day after day, prove emotional abuse is a real and damaging thing
He would always like to undermine my opinions, didn't like if I disagreed with him, and I was never ever allowed to speak bad about anyone, even if the person was basically Charles Manson, because "I do bad things to" etc. I think in a way it was his way of justifying his bad behavior and his addiction, if I was calling anyone else bad, even if it was for a true off the wall reason like murder (literally) I was in the wrong and shouldn't do that. It gets your head all sorts of screwed up to be constantly invalidated and it's happening again.
This morning he saw a post on FB about a couple in a nearby town who were arrested for child porn, rape, making and pandering porn with a FOUR year old. He said how sad for that child. I said OMG four years old? That's terrible, what monsters they are. (A normal reaction especially from a mother of young kids). He used it as a way to get at me. He said to me "You're no better than they are, you're the terrible one." I said "What the crap are you talking about???" and he said "The way you talk to the kids, the way you never let them do anything fun, the way bla bla" (Since we have gotten home he has taken to letting the kids do whatever they want all the time which leaves me to be the "unfun" one who has to put them to bed, make them eat a veggie etc- I swear on anything i am NOT a bad Mom). So basically just to degrade me he said I was worse than a child molester pedaling kiddie porn. And he didn't let up. I shook my head and walked away and as I did I looked back at him and he had this satisfied smirk on his face. I didn't say another word to him while he got ready for work and on his way out the door he hugged me goodbye and told me he loved me and when I didn't hug back right away he said "See, you are never nice to me. You wonder why we don't have sex as much as you would like us too, you can't even hug me." So I had to hug him back and tell him I love him just to end it.
I don't want to go back down this road again. These interactions, day after day, prove emotional abuse is a real and damaging thing
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 152
CPG. You know what you need to do for your children. For you.
Emotional abuse is insidious. There is no black eye or obvious signs of trauma for others to witness. Yet the scars and damage are deep. As you know and live it.
And even if as a mom you raise your voice (who doesn't from time to time, yes?) he is comparing that to rape of a 4 year old? I totally do not understand that lack of logic. smh.
When are you planning on leaving?
Emotional abuse is insidious. There is no black eye or obvious signs of trauma for others to witness. Yet the scars and damage are deep. As you know and live it.
And even if as a mom you raise your voice (who doesn't from time to time, yes?) he is comparing that to rape of a 4 year old? I totally do not understand that lack of logic. smh.
When are you planning on leaving?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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It's not lack of logic, it's abusive logic I suppose. It has always been one thing he hates, if I speak bad about anyone, apparently even a child molester. He has a knack for turning anything on God's green earth as something to use against me, even if it makes sense to no one but him. And you can't fight it because he will go and go and go. I had just had a glimmer of hope that he had changed, because he really was doing better. I guess I knew better.
I have to try to save some money or find a place cheap enough / good enough for me and the kids. I know I can't "get him out" - he won't leave. I have to leave, yet again, just this time I won't come back. I"m too tired.
I have to try to save some money or find a place cheap enough / good enough for me and the kids. I know I can't "get him out" - he won't leave. I have to leave, yet again, just this time I won't come back. I"m too tired.
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He also said that I'm just like them because all I do is "victimize" people. He has basically convinced himself that I'm the abuser, which is a common thing abusers do to deflect. I asked how I victimize people and he can never give me an answer. Then again I suppose anytime I do defend myself or speak up he thinks I'm victimizing him.
Another silly example, just because I need to get this **** out so I can feel stronger, is with food. If he makes or has something that I KNOW I don't like, he will have me try it, and unless I pretend like I agree with him, that yea you know what I was WRONG when I thought I hated mushrooms, you're right, I like them you're so right, he will get all upset. Then the other day after making me try something that I don't like he said "See, everytime you try something you end up liking it, I know what you like better than you do." Barf me. I have been living life just trying to make it thru and doing things like that just to "End things" etc. I can't do it anymore.
Another silly example, just because I need to get this **** out so I can feel stronger, is with food. If he makes or has something that I KNOW I don't like, he will have me try it, and unless I pretend like I agree with him, that yea you know what I was WRONG when I thought I hated mushrooms, you're right, I like them you're so right, he will get all upset. Then the other day after making me try something that I don't like he said "See, everytime you try something you end up liking it, I know what you like better than you do." Barf me. I have been living life just trying to make it thru and doing things like that just to "End things" etc. I can't do it anymore.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
CP, it may be time to quietly see a lawyer for a free consultation to see what your rights are. You are married, and it doesn't necessarily have to be you who leaves the home, and you and your children are probably entitled to some financial support. You don't have to leave or file for divorce now, but knowing what the laws are in your case will make it a lot easier and realistic for you to make decisions about what you want to do next.
What he's doing and saying is abusive. If you go to the Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum index page, at the top of the page is a sticky called "What is Abuse?" that you may find eye opening and helpful. My story is there, and all I can say is that life is so much better living without the abuse.
Keep posting here, we're here for you.
ShootingStar1
What he's doing and saying is abusive. If you go to the Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum index page, at the top of the page is a sticky called "What is Abuse?" that you may find eye opening and helpful. My story is there, and all I can say is that life is so much better living without the abuse.
Keep posting here, we're here for you.
ShootingStar1
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We are not actually married. I referred to him as AH to make it easier, we have been together 11 years and have 2 kids, someone else mentioned that call their very long term "boyfriend" AH here because it makes more sense but legally no we aren't married and my state is one that still clings to mother's rights over fathers so I KNOW I'm OK in that way. I have talked to a lawyer as well. I know he will not want to pay child support but I'm willing to allow that to go in return for other things like him not fighting me on things, leaving m be etc. I fully know he is abusive. I was just dumb enough to think that maybe he really could change, because it seemed that he had.
I had to post this morning's story even though it makes me seem like a total idiot to just "take" that, to show how extremely backhandedly manipulative abusers are too, to anyone stuck in a relationship who isn't sure they are being abused. That backwards controlling, psyhological abuse is extremely real.
I had to post this morning's story even though it makes me seem like a total idiot to just "take" that, to show how extremely backhandedly manipulative abusers are too, to anyone stuck in a relationship who isn't sure they are being abused. That backwards controlling, psyhological abuse is extremely real.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
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It IS abuse and you don't have to take it. Don't debate with him, don't even listen to him finish a sentence when he starts on that track...just walk out of the room and go do something else, even if you have to go to the bathroom to escape the words. Take a walk, pick up a book and start reading...his words can only hurt you if you let them land in your heart.
Each time he sees you cringe or defend yourself, he has landed his blow. Don't do it.
Raising children in this environment is as sad for them as it is for you. Growing up with abuse teaches abuse and many children of abuse become abusers themselves or abused adults.
Take a read through some of the articles here, perhaps they will help you see how damaging this can be.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
Hugs to you and your children, this is a sad way to live.
Each time he sees you cringe or defend yourself, he has landed his blow. Don't do it.
Raising children in this environment is as sad for them as it is for you. Growing up with abuse teaches abuse and many children of abuse become abusers themselves or abused adults.
Take a read through some of the articles here, perhaps they will help you see how damaging this can be.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
Hugs to you and your children, this is a sad way to live.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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I know, that was my error this morning, not immediately walking away. He just caught me off guard and I know the second he saw me cringe or flinch when he said I was "worse" than those monsters was when he won. I know I need to get out. I have done it before and I will do it again but this time I need to make it stick.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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I know. Even more than love shouldn't hurt, I should matter. My feelings should matter. Etc. I think as a Mom we get used to putting ourselves last, and in a way it's appropriate but not ALL THE TIME and not because abuse has you so knocked down you no longer even care about your own feelings anymore. I don't want to feel this way or accept this. I know better. I really do. That's why I need to go.
I was reading about how abuse can cause depression. Dealing with and worrying about his addiction caused me anxiety and depression as well but more than anything what I read about the emotional abuse rang true. When you are abused in that way, you aren't ALLOWED to be angry. Like, ever. And internalizing anger eventually turns to depression. Totally fits the bill for me. I haven't been really truly angry in a long time. I'm not allowed to be, if I am it just causes more problems, so I internalize. I take the blame, I suck it up, just to end discussions/abuse/degradation. But it's never enough for the abuser. Never will be.
I was reading about how abuse can cause depression. Dealing with and worrying about his addiction caused me anxiety and depression as well but more than anything what I read about the emotional abuse rang true. When you are abused in that way, you aren't ALLOWED to be angry. Like, ever. And internalizing anger eventually turns to depression. Totally fits the bill for me. I haven't been really truly angry in a long time. I'm not allowed to be, if I am it just causes more problems, so I internalize. I take the blame, I suck it up, just to end discussions/abuse/degradation. But it's never enough for the abuser. Never will be.
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Originally Posted by CPGirl84 
I hope it's OK to post this here, my AH is still doing well staying clean thus far but I have also talked about the past of pretty bad emotional/psychological/verbal abuse (two small occassions of physical abuse but that's not his "MO"). Anyway, we seperated last year for a while and got back together and he really seems to have made huge strides of the way he treats me and has been clean for a few months now. But as it always does, the abuse is creeping back in. I know I have to leave before it gets worse, I can't say I didn't try, I just need to vent this out / share so I don't internalize it like I have done in the past and don't really have anyone to talk to about it.
He would always like to undermine my opinions, didn't like if I disagreed with him, and I was never ever allowed to speak bad about anyone, even if the person was basically Charles Manson, because "I do bad things to" etc. I think in a way it was his way of justifying his bad behavior and his addiction, if I was calling anyone else bad, even if it was for a true off the wall reason like murder (literally) I was in the wrong and shouldn't do that. It gets your head all sorts of screwed up to be constantly invalidated and it's happening again.
This morning he saw a post on FB about a couple in a nearby town who were arrested for child porn, rape, making and pandering porn with a FOUR year old. He said how sad for that child. I said OMG four years old? That's terrible, what monsters they are. (A normal reaction especially from a mother of young kids). He used it as a way to get at me. He said to me "You're no better than they are, you're the terrible one." I said "What the crap are you talking about???" and he said "The way you talk to the kids, the way you never let them do anything fun, the way bla bla" (Since we have gotten home he has taken to letting the kids do whatever they want all the time which leaves me to be the "unfun" one who has to put them to bed, make them eat a veggie etc- I swear on anything i am NOT a bad Mom). So basically just to degrade me he said I was worse than a child molester pedaling kiddie porn. And he didn't let up. I shook my head and walked away and as I did I looked back at him and he had this satisfied smirk on his face. I didn't say another word to him while he got ready for work and on his way out the door he hugged me goodbye and told me he loved me and when I didn't hug back right away he said "See, you are never nice to me. You wonder why we don't have sex as much as you would like us too, you can't even hug me." So I had to hug him back and tell him I love him just to end it.
I don't want to go back down this road again. These interactions, day after day, prove emotional abuse is a real and damaging thing
He would always like to undermine my opinions, didn't like if I disagreed with him, and I was never ever allowed to speak bad about anyone, even if the person was basically Charles Manson, because "I do bad things to" etc. I think in a way it was his way of justifying his bad behavior and his addiction, if I was calling anyone else bad, even if it was for a true off the wall reason like murder (literally) I was in the wrong and shouldn't do that. It gets your head all sorts of screwed up to be constantly invalidated and it's happening again.
This morning he saw a post on FB about a couple in a nearby town who were arrested for child porn, rape, making and pandering porn with a FOUR year old. He said how sad for that child. I said OMG four years old? That's terrible, what monsters they are. (A normal reaction especially from a mother of young kids). He used it as a way to get at me. He said to me "You're no better than they are, you're the terrible one." I said "What the crap are you talking about???" and he said "The way you talk to the kids, the way you never let them do anything fun, the way bla bla" (Since we have gotten home he has taken to letting the kids do whatever they want all the time which leaves me to be the "unfun" one who has to put them to bed, make them eat a veggie etc- I swear on anything i am NOT a bad Mom). So basically just to degrade me he said I was worse than a child molester pedaling kiddie porn. And he didn't let up. I shook my head and walked away and as I did I looked back at him and he had this satisfied smirk on his face. I didn't say another word to him while he got ready for work and on his way out the door he hugged me goodbye and told me he loved me and when I didn't hug back right away he said "See, you are never nice to me. You wonder why we don't have sex as much as you would like us too, you can't even hug me." So I had to hug him back and tell him I love him just to end it.
I don't want to go back down this road again. These interactions, day after day, prove emotional abuse is a real and damaging thing
The person you describe is a Grade AAAAA a$$hole, and the reason why he escalates with you is because he doesn't fear any consequences. It's simply time for that to change, and it's up to you to make that happen.
Emotional abuse is unacceptable under any circumstances.
Ice this pr*ck, put as much distance between you and him, and hold firm on your boundaries. If you do not, men like this will always try to find a way to get back in. It is within your power to stop this cycle for the sake of your own well-being and that of your children's.
ZoSo
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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^^^^^ That, what Zoso said.
You don't have to give up child support because you think it might make him behave better. That is a very long term choice that will impact your children's quality of life, and for their sakes, he should pay what he owes.
Sounds like it is time to go total NO Contact, and get a junk yard dog lawyer to bring him to heel.
And, from my experience, I found that people here were more than willing to listen, understand, and support me no matter how many times it took me to have to go through an issue again before I really "got" what was happening and understood a better way to handle it.
Take care, we're here for you long term!
ShootingStar1
You don't have to give up child support because you think it might make him behave better. That is a very long term choice that will impact your children's quality of life, and for their sakes, he should pay what he owes.
Sounds like it is time to go total NO Contact, and get a junk yard dog lawyer to bring him to heel.
And, from my experience, I found that people here were more than willing to listen, understand, and support me no matter how many times it took me to have to go through an issue again before I really "got" what was happening and understood a better way to handle it.
Take care, we're here for you long term!
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 31
Thank you all for the support. I want this to be the time I can leave and be confident and make it stick. It's hard because I often don't feel like I have the support. I have talked to like my Mom about some of this and she basically doesn't want to believe "her smart, beautiful daughter" could allow herself to be treated like this. She doesn't understand the complexities of abuse like this and basically blames me. It's hard. I do appreciate the ability to speak freely here about all of these issues.
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One thing that alarms me about this type of abuse, and it is abuse, is that if it has not already it will eventually be directed toward the children in the home. I am just throwing that out there for you to remember.
Please take care of yourself and get yourself some support during this time. You are not alone, keep posting!
Please take care of yourself and get yourself some support during this time. You are not alone, keep posting!
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