justathought

I haven't been on here in a really long time and since I was on here last I learned that my husband was indeed using and asked him to leave my home. From there he went to his parents and they welcomed him with open arms and have allowed him to do drugs in their home and in front of their 5 year old grandchild and all his mom could say to me is how it breaks her heart when he is high around his daughter. I just don't know what to say to these people any longer to scream that they are enabling him and me kicking him out was the best thing for him. I seen him on and off over the course of the past few months, my brother passed away and i called him in tears and he promptly came to my side sober. However, within a few hours after my brother died he left and came back high in front of my entire family. I stopped talking to him after that and he would just show up at my home begging me to be with him and asking for help but come morning never getting any help. he showed up one night high after i came home from work caused a huge fight started hitting himself in the head w an ashtray because i told him to leave and then had me arrested saying i did it to him. I got out of jail promptly and didnt speak to him for two weeks not a word. then talked to him and he went to the prosecutor and wrote a letter telling the truth. My charges will be dropped. However, since then he still continued using at his parents house and they continued allowing it.

Last Thur he showed up at my house crying on his hands and knees begging me to help him. He would do anything. He asked me to call his parents and tell them he wanted to go to rehab and so i did. We spent until Monday finding him a detox unit and rehab center. We all drove down together and left him there on Monday. He was supposed to go to rehab facility for in house rehab directly after detox. Today I spoke with the counselor and they are releasing him on Monday. When we got there they said he would be staying longer. I am really upset. They suggest an outpatient rehab due to the lack of beds in my area.

So hear is what i need advice for, if they are going to make him come home on Monday, where should he go??? His parents are terrible enablers. His mom holds him responsible for nothing. she does his laundry packs his lunches, makes his dinner, makes his bed, cleans his room. He can't go back there if he is not going to take care of his responsiblites himself. She mentioned to me on the phone today that she was going to take his paychecks and just give him gas cards when he gets out so he has no cash to buy drugs with. Am I wrong to think that she cannot do that?

I am not ready for him to come home, though. He has a lot of mending he needs to do with my children for the things he has done to me and their forgiveness towards him he has to ask for and fight for. I want him to be in an enviornment that he will succeed in, so I really don't know what to do. Ideally that would be an in house rehab, unfortunately it is not an option at this time.

Any advise would help and whether you think I am right about him going back to his parents.

tbeit

Have you thought about sober living? Just a thought

Twofish

Welcome back Just! This sounds like a horrible situation you have found yourself in. He can't go back to your home with the children seeing all this addiction activity going on, plus the unstable emotions and some violence, really, an ashtray to his head?, hope it hurt. Parents sound like a vacation to an A. What about homelessness til a bed opens up? The Salvation Army may have a bed, the hospital? Be aggressive and firm about this, addiction is so unpredictable. Just know we care about you and your children, gentle hugs, keep reading, posting, others will be along soon with some suggestions. TF

Eve13

I'm in a similar boat but with my son, not husband. We are looking and strongly encouraging a sober living home. I've been told the success in a sober living home depends if the A really is ready to give up their use or not. And if not, they will be kicked out.

If not now, then at that time, there needs to be a contingency plan for him. If not sober living home, then shelter, for example. We have been told as long as we provide a "soft" landing, there are minimal consequences to encouraging changes in behavior.

But you also have the added problem of the enabling parents, that don't see their role, and just want to "help". If he is using in front of minors at his parent's home, a call to CPS is anonymous. Just sayin'.

Mountainmanbob

even if he truly starts to work a clean and sober program
it's going to be (a long time) before this mending is complete


be in no hurry on your side
and face the fact
there will be nothing easy about this whole process

the more that you can separate the children from this situation the better

Mountainman

justathought

Thank you for all of your replies. They are greatly appreciated. I tried talking to him yesterday about his parents being enablers, but all he could say was that if he is not using, then his parents enabling shouldn't be an issue. I just don't think that he gets the whole picture of this and he got mad an said he was frustrated with me and got off the phone. I have tried very hard to talk with his mom about this issue over and over again and there is no budging on her end, she thinks he will die if he is not there, but either way if he continues using the way he was, he will die.

They have been battling this for 8 years with him and have never once went to an al non meeting and obviously have not gotten the proper education for themselves in helping their son succeed.

We have discussed a half way house and today after my al non meeting I am going to start making calls when I get home trying to figure out a plan before they release him.

But to be honest, I don't think that that is a decision that I can make for him on where he is going. I think he needs to decide that for himself. I can provide him with the tools in our area, but beyond that, I cannot force him or his parents to do anything.

I feel like an outsider in my own marraige with his parents and that they don't respect me. I am not into disrespecting my elders, I was not raised that way, however, there should not be any divided loyalties. He is my husband his loyalty to me and our family should come first. They need boundries from this and our relationship and what WE choose to do.

Do you think that I am just bitter that they took him in in the first place? And if so, how do I get over that? Because, to be honest, I feel as if they are working against me, not with me. His mom told me yesterday that she is upset with me because other people around town know our business and blames me for that for not keeping it hush hush. My reply was, the squeaky wheel gets the oil and that when my friends and family ask me the truth about what is going on I am not going to lie. My reputation was damaged going to jail and in the paper and to just pretend as if it was my fault seems ludicrous. When I told his mom the truth about the ashtray and that he hit himself and that he went to the prosecutor and told the truth, all she could say was, well, that's good, but will he get in trouble now. He should get in trouble for false informing and putting me through something like that.

I honestly do not know how to get through to them about having to hold him accountable for his action whether he continues to be sober or not, he still has to be held accountable. It just doesn't go away over night because he gets sober.

Twofish

Dear Just, You certainly have found yourself in a most difficult situation. I thought I had it bad with addicted children and the games their AV plays, it seems this happens with adult addicts too. What are you gonna do? First you must keep yourself and child(ren) safe. Your husband lies like an addict does, you witnessed that with the ashtray incident(still hope that hurt his head!) and these emotional fluctuations, how much longer til,he physically hurts you?? He already verbally beats you up. And the nerve of his mom to make you feel guilty, how dare she judge you? It was HER perfect son who lied to the police and had you arrested, thrown in jail, get charged for something he did, all because his addiction had a tantrum and couldn't get his way. Boundaries have to be drawn. If his parents continue to enable him, allow him to use in their home and find a way to blame all this on you...well,maybe a no contact order needs to be considered until some changes start happening. I still got my mouth open in disbelief about the ashtray incident and to have the nerve to blame YOU! Addiction never seems to settle down and give a person a break! The most important thing I would suggest is to be safe and take care of yourself. Protect your children. Don't worry about gossip, people can and will judge so tell the MIL to get over it. With her blaming, she is just making it worse. Support is here for you, however face to face meetings are very helpful too. Meetings... He's not ready for sobriety or to stop using. It's his disease, he is the only one to start the process back. He has to realize this. Hugs for safety, TF

KeepinItReal

I'm faced with a similar dilemma. My AH parents have adult-kids who live with them that are all users. If my AH left rehab/jail to go live with them... it would be like putting an alcoholic in a bar to live and telling him not to drink.
I have a 3 and 7 year old. I do not want to have any more arguing in front of them. I'm a very passionate person and the door swings both ways in our arguments.
Anyway - I have decided to let him come stay for the month for the holidays because he has shown me through letters to rehabs that he is willing to go to a long term treatment place.
What does your husband want to do?
I know mine felt abandoned the first time I kicked him out and felt like I gave up on him. (totally not true) That lasted 8 months and he finally reached out for help... and has started recovery 3 years ago.
I think that if there aren't any drugs at his moms/dads then it is a safe place. He will find drugs, and do drugs no matter where he is.
Are his parents happy he has decided to go to rehab?
Are they in agreement with this decision?
Are you going to/willing to give him another chance when he comes home from rehab?
Maybe it's your wants/desire for him to come home and be with you and your family be together!! Maybe, tell him that... and see what he says.
It's just my two-cents...

justathought

It's not an issue that there are drugs in his parents home, although his dad is prescribed vicodine for a back injury, they keep that locked in a safe, it's an issue for me of the enabling. The doing everything for him and treating him as if he is a child. I don't see how he can grow if everything is being done for him. And his mother telling me she is going to take his paychecks and give him a gas card, and blah blah. It is as if I do not exist in this scenerio. I am his wife, not a girlfriend, and whether he lives here or not he needs to start taking care of his family and contribuiting to our household and start learning responsibility for himself and those he should. That is the only way he will stay clean. He is in rehab because he wants to be clean. I'm just concerned about keeping him that way

KeepinItReal

If he came to YOU begging for help.. then he knew where to get help and he WANTED help. Have some confidence this is something HE wants!!
As for his mom, she's probably not going to change her ways... but if it was so good and he was so happy then he wouldn't be trying to get help or wanting help.
I would say, that it's shocking when they FINALLY ask for help.
He went to YOU to get help.
If he wants to go to his moms for the interim before rehab.. then you have to trust that will be the best thing. Unless, you tell him that you want him to come home... but you will have a lot of emotions surrounding this. You also have a right to a portion of his check for child support.
I was told not to manage my husbands prescriptions or money.. yet I didn't listen and was being "helpful" and then it backfired. I relinquished control and let him have his drugs, money.. whatever!!
Me and my AH when he originally asked for help made a plan... a what if this doesn't work plan... and then what if this doesn't work plan. Him going to a long-term residential program was in that plan 3 years ago. It was the last resort. He's now speaking about vivitrol.. and i'm like... ugh.
Anyway - back to you - If you feel comfortable with letting him come back but telling him... what is or is not acceptable. You also have to let go of going through his stuff, phone (you know all this)... easier said than done!!
He went to YOU for help first. He knows where to go to get help not a diaper.

ShootingStar1

I think that the core issue here, and it is a hard one for everyone involved, is that your husband is an addict and he is choosing that behavior for himself, and is therefore entitled to the consequences of that behavior.

People here on SoberRecovery often say the 3 C's:

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.

What happens to your husband after he gets discharged from detox is up to him. He needs to step up to the plate and take responsibility for where he goes when he gets out. The detox place has resources to help him find the place he needs. He'll only really commit to it if HE makes it work. The first step to that is letting HIM do the work of where he can go next.

You get to set your own boundaries around what behavior you choose to live with, and what behavior you do not choose to live with. You can, for example, set a boundary that says you will not live with someone until you are comfortable that they are solid in their recovery. Or that you'll look at it again when they have been in real recovery for 6 months, or whatever you need.

What his parents do, and whether their behavior enables your husband to continue his addiction or not, that is not your concern.

If your husband chooses to fully recover, it will be an internal choice that is deep enough that no one else can dissuade him. Blaming his parents for his continuing addiction is not real; it is another way of looking at your husband as a child who has to be managed and controlled in order for him to not use, and shifting the blame for HIS choices to his enablers. Your husband is an adult, and, as awful as it is, he has the right to choose to continue with addiction.

Your alanon meeting will tell you that all you can do is take care of your own path, your own side of the street. For me, leaving my now XAH 16 months ago because of his alcoholism, pornography addiction, and terrible emotional and verbal abuse was the only way I could see to save myself. He did cut way back on his drinking, when through the divorce interrogatories, he finally realized how destructive his behavior had been, so I guess my leaving him did have an eventual impact. But that's not why I left; I had to leave to keep myself from disintegrating from the abuse.

If you need to, you can file for a protective order against your husband to keep you and your children safe from surprise visits and violence like he did with the ashtray, particularly since he lied and falsely accused you and caused your false arrest. He appears to have no respect for either you or the law, and you may need legal protection against his next potential violation of your safe life space. You might think about a free consultation with an attorney just to see what your rights and options are.

I know in the middle of this continuing crisis, it can make your head reel as one event happens after another, all very upsetting. If you can take a moment and find a peaceful place and step back and think about what you want longer term, that will probably help you a lot.

Sending hugs and compassion your way,

ShootingStar1

justathought

I do not blame his parents for his using, however, I do not think that they will ever stop enabling and allow him to ever have consequences to face on his own. That is truly how he will heal stay sober.

pravchaw

If your husband wants to quite he will will find treatment. If he is not done then there is nothing you or his parents can do about it. Their enabling seems to be a unnecessary red herring.

I hope you are taking care of your self. If you do that I can guarantee you that things will start looking better.

zoso77

I think you've answered your own question.

My experience with addiction taught me that when we love someone, it is a very, very fine line between supporting someone and enabling someone. Some, like your AH's mother, are enablers, for whatever reasons. Others successfully detach from the madness with love. And I think, judging from your post, this is what you want to do because, as you've said, you're not ready for him to come home. If that's how you feel, then that's your right and you have to enforce that boundary. Take care of you and your children, for they (and you) come first.

ZoSo

justathought

Well, after an extremely long day I spoke with his parents and we both agreed to tell him he could not come to either of our homes. although the choice was his to stay in sober living facility after detox, we both said these were our boundaries. He signed the papers top go tosober living shortly after we set our boundaries.