Twofish

That would be nice, he left cause he couldn't take it anymore. He basically abandoned us, left me here alone, no one to love me or help me. He claims he found this wonder job that he couldn't pass up, so why not move us all there as a family then if this job is such a dream job? He just couldn't take it, was never designed to be a dad, in fact never wanted kids. To say our marriage was a mistake would be to say our children are mistakes...and they're not. They're gifts from God to us to take care of. Didn't do such a good job, did I?

lizwig

Twofish, for whatever reason your family appears to like to kick people when they are down. They are continuing to behave this way because you keep reacting to it. Be the change. Whether it is letting their calls go to voicemail or giving yourself 30 minutes before responding to their texts. This absolutely includes your husband. When you continue to engage it just gives them more ammo. Make them leave a message as to the purpose of their call. If the issue is something they can solve themselves LET them. If they see all of this getting to you then they have won. Stop taking the words of a 14 year old boy to heart. Just keep telling them when they can speak respectfully to you you will have a conversation with them. Calm, no anger, matter of fact, over and over, rise and repeat, until they believe you. It sounds as if you may be making yourself too available to them...It's time to set some very real, very solid boundaries. Now...go run yourself a nice hot bath...put on some relaxing music. You can do this. ASAP. Big hug to you.

Eve13

"Is this what going crazy feels like?" Crazy is when you don't know crazy, or so I've been told. And you do. For now, please identify what you can do to feel safe and in control in your own home. And work toward that.

Fandy

OK, take a deep breath...please....this is just crazy talk.Mr. abusive husband can or will step up to the plate or not. You are NOT a victim.

we have your back, and you need to take back control...the kids/adult kids are running over you like a lawnmower. and your *husband* ran off like a coward and is blaming you. what kind of a parent is HE? pretty crappy if you ask me.

where else can you get immediate support? are there sisters or parents who can help you? do you have any close friends?

whatever, this is pure crap. You are NOT the only parent. I'm so sorry that you are being stomped on...and yep! that is what it amounts to.

the good news? YOU have control, but you don't realize it...all you have to do is say NO. ignore the insults and let them screech, they are dependent on you. YOU can say yes, or no.

I hope you can find a way thorough this nonsense.

Carlotta

I think Lizwig and Fandy have excellent points. What are you doing for yourself? Do you have any support? In general I suggest that people attend Al Anon but in your case, you might benefit from a class in martial arts which would boost your self confidence.

Txhelp

I don't know twofish...I'd quit answering if all I got was yelling.

Twofish

Hi Lizwig, I had to chuckle ( you made me smile, thank you!) when you mentioned to take 30 minutes to answer my husbands text, he would defiantly blow a fuse! You know, I call him, days go by before he would even respond with a "what do you want?" Gosh what if I had a heart attack or one of the kids got hurt or an accident or whatever! I think I like this support help! Its making me think about stuff. Addiction may have beat me up this summer but I'm not gonna let it control my life. Ya, you probly guessed it by now, my husband is a functioning alcoholic . He cares about his wine and being angry and blaming everyone else except himself when things don't go his way. I just never knew what to do about it. If he doesn't have his wine he gets mean, the kids, while growing up watched dad drink a bottle of wine a night, almost every night of their lives. He is much nicer drunk or buzzed. To this day if I know he is coming back to see the kids I make sure there's a bottle for him. So sad now that I look back at the memories. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad. Addiction really doesn't belong in mine or anyone else's lives. At least I'm not crying, maybe cause I understand now, just a little more than I did 24 hrs ago. TF

interrupted

At some point you stop being a victim to your circumstance and become a willing participant. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you don't want anything to change, that's fine, but recognize that you have a choice in the matter. The ride stops as soon as you decide to get off.

There used to be a member here named FindingErica. Her signature line was a quote by Dolly Parton in Straight Talk: "Get down off the cross, honey - somebody needs the wood!"

I always liked that. I wonder what she's up to, I miss Erica.

Twofish

Dear Interrupted, That almost brought tears to my eyes about what FindingErica said about the cross and wood. But I decided as I'm shoving the tears BACK into my eyes that I'm not gonna cry today, at least today. I just want to have control of my life. I fully enjoy sobriety and I'm not gonna let some teenager and AD spoil life for me. Got some rules that are gonna be set down, not sure what they are gonna be yet, but rules to respect me and my home, no swearing or drug use. That's enough for now, don't want to overload them. Haven't decided if I'm gonna speak to the ADs therapist about the jumping outta the car incident...that may backfire on me and cause more tension in the house. I have forgiven her but I guess I will never forget she did that to me again on a busy highway, on the way to a meeting. I know this is part addiction part mental illness, but everyone saw what it did to me, and if I'm gone who is gonna carry on and take care of things? Being gone meaning if I have a heart attack. I have no extended family per say, my parents don't understand addiction plus my dad just got outta a rehab center cause he had bad bedsores and his diabetes was outta control, moms recovering from 2 broken legs plus my 2 ADs really did a number on them when they were actively using. My sisters an addict and my brother just wants to stay outta it. I've been judged by my friends, I'm on disability forever, you now know about my husband, I have my Heavenly Father, my Triune God and my meetings and of course you, my trusting SR family. So that's my life, but I'm ok with it except incidents like happened on Tuesday. It's pouring out right now, I love rain, maybe it will wash away some of this pain and give me some control. Happy Halloween everyone, I'm happy right now. TF

Eve13

"Haven't decided if I'm gonna speak to the ADs therapist about the jumping outta the car incident...that may backfire on me and cause more tension in the house."

Hmmm. HER behavior, HER consequences, not yours.

Just pointing out the thinking - how you feel victimized by your AD, not saying you should or should not talk to the counselor about what happened. Each one of us needs to feel our own consequences for our actions and behaviors. Maybe you don't drive her places any longer. Something to think about.

interrupted

My intention was not to make you cry, I quite appreciate the quote. It can be difficult to understand or accept our own desire for martyrdom, it was difficult for me. Waiting to be rewarded for my suffering was preventing me from releasing that suffering and taking responsibility for my own role in the situation. The quote reminds me not to hold onto that helplessness, it reminds me to accept responsibility for myself and my choices.

RedSoxGirl

I understand where you're coming from TF, you're scared, as a parent you want to shoulder the burden and responsibility...BUT DON'T!!!!!!! In all honestly, and no offense, your son is acting like an a-hole. All teens do, but sadly ones that grow up in houses with addiction are even larger ones. I know, I grew up in an addicted house (alcoholic and abusive father). My older sister protected me as much as she could, however she went off the rails at about 15 years old and it was only when she was about 28 that she really got back on track and healthy (she's 39 now).

My mom has worked at a women's prison for 27 years and she would bring me into work with her and that was a wake up call for me. Then when I was being a holy terror, there was a time she actually packed up all of my clothes, put me in the car and drove an hour to skid row downtown. Told me that if I want to be an a-hole that I can live here. It scared the ever lovin' bejeezus out of me that I've been on the straight and narrow ever since (I'm 34 and I've never done illegal drugs, and only taken pain meds after surgery).

The only advise I can give as a child that grew up in a similar house is

1) your son is walking all over you because YOU LET HIM. He sees it from his dad and believes it's ok be cause you also roll over. Get in there and start swinging (although maybe not literally, but hey you never know).
2) If that doesn't work, he can live with dad. That will quiet them both up, and if it's terrible at dad's house, your son will want to return, contrite and you can choose to either let him or not, based on the HEALTHY BOUNDARIES YOU CREATE.

Listen, I know this is much easier said then done, when you're in the trenches it's beyond difficult and you can't/don't want to see any other way. But trust me - your son more then anything right now needs a mom who is going to go in there and kick a@@ when and where it's appropriate. That way he can follow your lead and become a responsible person.

but that's just my 2 cents.

RedSoxGirl

best to teach them now to stand on their own feet while you're still alive, rather then watching them struggle when you're gone, right?

KeepinItReal

Twofish - Your story has helped me on my own journey and led me to my own AH-HA moment last night.
So, I thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry your going through all this and it's so good that you are working on yourself so you won't feel this way anymore.
I hope you continue and keep sharing.
Have a Happy Halloween!

MLJ88

TF- how are you doing? I hope today is better. I hope your family realizes what an amazing mother you are. Please stay strong! Don't forget that you are MOM and so your son needs to mind himself around mom- take control back- you can do it!

Chino

I remember when my RAD was 15 and acting like an ass on steroids. I used to threaten to call the sheriff all the time. Now I wish I would have done that.

The reward/consequence part of the brain is not fully formed until about 23-25 years of age. There is still time for all your kids to learn rewards and consequences. For your adult daughters, at least as it pertains to interactions with you.

Be the parent your children need. Instead of asking why, ask what and how. It's your call.

cleaninLI

Twofish I've been reading your threads for some time now. I'm worried about you. It seems your perfect life (or so you thought) has taken a turn for the worse. Way too much for one person to handle! It tears me up to see your family and life unraveling before my eyes! At my IOP my group lead mentioned how one person changing in a family can be likened to a baby's mobile. You were the base of the family. Holding all those little toys (unhealthy family members) on strings in place. Now, because you have changed, becoming healthy, all your family members dangling on those strings are shaking in chaos!

Please do not let them take you down with them. I never had an addiction or drank much alcohol but when my life turned upside down (daughter was molested at 13, husbands company shut down, foreclosed on our house, husband has 2 heart attacks and open-heart sugery, husband disabled and can't work, mother dying from cancer, etc.) I reached for my pain meds. (Legit script from doctor for an injury) Popping more and more to numb myself from all of the stresses around me.

I read in one of your posts that you also take those meds for pain. Please do not think I am accusing you of abusing your meds. It's just that I have first hand experience of how powerful those types of medications are and how they can suck you into addiction. This is only a warning! Sometimes without thinking we can fall into "if I can't beat them join them" attitude!

I dont recall your mentioning that you have a therapist? Twofish go back and read your threads. You have changed, in a good, healthy way! Please find a therapist who can walk you through these changes. You need someone just for you!

Twofish

I am not well. I feel anxious and alone, why does my body think its ok to cry so much? These tears are so crazy, they flowed for days now. I'm not concerned about taking any pills to feel better, I'm dramatic not stupid. These kids purposely messed it up to see if I would clean it, I had already decided not to clean up the kitchen, I didn't use one dish and this whole mess started over that I didn't cook enough. So I watched what they would do, it does look bad and this does bother me, maybe ill just give in and clean it up. Now about the cell phone, well the replacement phone came today. He wants it, bad. That's another source of arguments. I said as soon as he passes a drug test and because I did find a pot pipe in his room there has to be some punishment. He argues that the pipe was found a week or so ago, and he can't pass a drug test because pot stays in the body for a month, but he had quit 5 days ago. I'm feeling like a door mat again. I feel like the AD and 14 yr old are in charge. I even reached out to my 22yr old AD, she did make me feel better, said I was a good mom and that her sister was hard to live with, that I gave my all to help them get off drugs, and to ignore her sister. This surprised me, she was the one that was so unemotional all the time. Maybe since she started treatment, she sees how an addict treats the one who loves them, they don't care. Getting off track here. I'll just clean up the mess in the kitchen, make it perfect. Maybe if I submit this once, things will get better, give him his phone, cook everyday and watch these two kids sit around. Sounds stupid, but I'm backed into a corner and I want the peace back and I really want to stop crying over this. Mostly, I'd love a good meeting right now, along with a hug from anyone. I'm gonna start over before I go crazy. This stress just isn't worth it anymore. Sorry this is so long and wimpy. I'm at a loss on what to do. I just want peace and my kids to stop with the drama. Lets get over it and move on. Don't scold me please. TF. God she just won't stop, the name calling, I feel angry but I'm not letting it out, it's not right.

lizwig

Hi Twofish, please believe no-one is trying to scold you. From the outside listening in it just sounds completely out of control. If nothing changes nothing changes. Sure you can give in, try to make everything "perfect" but if you choose to do that don't expect anything to be different tomorrow. If you feel it's what you need to do to stop the chaos then own the decision, and move past it. When things calm down call a family meeting to discuss boundaries. My son used to be very volatile. But I never let him see me break down in frustration...not that I didn't...I just didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing it. We are all learning here. Change doesn't happen overnight. I trust as you become stronger so will your boundaries. Chin up...tomorrow is a new day.

Twofish

Just finished cleaning up the messy kitchen and family room. So what is the AD complaining about now? The older AD texted her and told her that I gave them my all this summer and that they should feel grateful they have a mom that took them in cleaned them up, fed them, paid for their detox and many other $1,000's of bills that I paid for (gosh do I enable!) while their dad let them go. I just couldn't do that. Now she complains that I need to hear how helpful I am, OMG, does a thank you mom really gonna kill her? Ya know, maybe this is PAWS showing its ugly side effects? I don't know but I really want to bolt! Leave this addiction home I live in. The younger AD already said she is calling Children's Protective Services tomorrow to report me. That I feed my son hot pockets, and TV dinners and other meals that have no nutritional value to them. She is a vegetarian. Great, that's all I need now. This is a 14 yr old, that's what he wants and asks for. The meals are warm and good, sometimes I stop at McDonalds for the boy, get him a sandwich to hold him over til dinner time. I make him oatmeal every morning and he eats hot lunch at school. He's fine. Just another aggravation for me to deal with. My methadone AD did invite me down to a madison to get away, get some quiet, but I can already hear my husband that I abandoned the kids. It never will end. Might as well stop complaining to SR and my kids, give in try to set the boundaries and keep smiling. Right? TF