cece1960

Twofish,
You have the power decide what type of day it will be. You do not have the power to decide what type of day it will be for others.
Put yourself first today...all day...you are worth it.

RedSoxGirl

TF I'm so sorry for all of this. Sadly its up to us to change the situation (even though we would like to be taken care of just once!). Heal yourself, this is the most important thing, and if your family follows suit, you've won. If not then next steps need to happen. The question you have to ask is: if you have to lock yourself in a room from your son at 14, how bad will it be when he's 16/17 and bigger. And even worse, he will start to think its acceptable and do you want him doing this to his future partners?

Twofish

Hello my friends, Last nights pain still lingers in my brain and heart. I'm still confused about why this happened, we were doing so well, or so I thought. I want so much to call my RAD therapist and tell her what happened and what I should do about it or not do about it. Just some more support from a person who knows more about her addiction than I do. So unusual for a recovering addict who has had sooo much therapy to NOT know what an addictive voice is or what it does to a persons thinking? I think that bothered and upset me more that her blaming me and her fathers arguing on her becoming an addict. My AD knows how serious I take this addiction and recover to sobriety, how helpful SR is to me and how supportive face to face meetings are to me. Is she just pushing my buttons? Being influenced by her AV? And yes I certainly do believe in something you can't see, an AV. Now for the 14 yr old...The boy missed the bus, sat in his room this morning playing video games. I said get outta your bed,,get dressed and get in the car. He got ready in S L O W motion got in the car and proceeded to tell me I have an anger problem. I ignored the bait and asked him how he has so many bruises on his body?(he plays the choking game and Tap out game with his friends, plus the eraser game and God only knows what else) he first said he didn't know...Hummm, I said do better than that, then he said he fell down. The bruises are on his arms as far as I can see.Very large ugly concerning bruises. I let it go and told him to take the bus home, I'm not a taxi service any longer. I said have a good day and that I loved him, he didn't say anything(do you blame him!) and got out of the car. Then I cried, again, and called the school nurse, I don't want him labeled but I don't want him to turn into a drug addict either. I'm a nurse so Bonnie, the school RN and I are friends, professionally. I asked her to look at the sons bruises, then it just came out of my mouth about the pot pipe. Oh gosh, what have I done? She was calm and told me this is serious and she will have a drug talk with him and said to RUN to a therapy place and get him some help. Professionally, I'm 100% with her, but the judgement, labeling and the yelling and screaming that will be directed at me as soon as my husband and daughters and son finds out about this will be loud, long and painful to me, you friends at SR might even hear the yelling, it will be that bad, thinking about it frightens this mom that the tears are starting again, how can one person cry sooo much? So there, it's out. Then I went to see my Dr. a regular appt, I barely contained my emotions when I checked in. He saw the RAW emotions and thought I was in pain, no not a physical pain I said then told him the story. He said, drug test the boy, if negative, then he can have the phone back, if positive, then no phone til all drug tests come back negative. Good advice, you mommas already said that though. Get him into therapy too. I feel better as far as myself goes, but my boy, my sweet 14 yr old, who I'm so in denial about, I don't want him harmed anymore by a drug label on him. He has so much anger and pain inside, this will help I think, but if this harms him, I will never forgive myself, did I jump to conclusions, will the school treat him differently now, so many questions...I HATE drugs and alcohol and what addiction is doing to my sweet little family and all the other families that addiction has invaded in to. Sorry this is so long, it needed to come out and I am forever grateful to you, SR, for the support last night and today, it has helped me beyond what any words can express. Love is what I feel in cyber land, thank you friends, TF

hopeful4

A couple questions. You said your husband is verbally abusive and clearly your children have picked this up from someone. Do you know for a fact that your son is not being physically abused? That would explain alot of his anger. Secondly, why worry about the labels? If he is a drug user he is not worried about branding himself with that label. It is more important to get help than to avoid a label.

I agree about the drug tests and about getting help for all of you. Even if your son tests negative, there are major issues and you are taking a huge brunt of it yourself.

I hope you all get help right away. You are in my thought and prayers. God Bless.

ejohn18

My heart goes out to you for what you are experiencing. Unfortunately I know I soon will be facing my own dilemmas.
We are nurses, we are moms, it is in our blood to care for others and most times we fail to take care of ourselves. Always leaving our needs until everyone else is taken care of. But in this process, I have learned I am no good to anyone if I can't take care of me. I have recently started counseling for myself. This disease affects everyone around us and in order to help others, I have to first help myself.
My prayers are with you and your family praying for peace and healing.
God Bless.

Twofish

Hey mommas and dads of SR, I know what you're thinking...the label issue I'm concerned about. I have and my family have been judged and talked and gossiped about for the entire summer and then some. Words hurt, very much, I just didn't want to add a label onto my son. At high school, the one he goes to, has a high rate of children experimenting and addiction to illegal and legal drugs. I have found a pot pipe in his room and smelled pot odor in his room twice now. He demoralizes it, saying mom, it's only weed, everyone smokes weed...well I don't. His 2 sisters are recovering Heroin addicts, 19 and 22 yrs old, that's young to me. He hates school already and if they treat him differently, I fear he may rebel to the point that truancy is involved. I'm sure this test will turn up positive for pot, but I pray that it stops there, we have caught this one early enough that treatment or counseling may help. Support, he's not alone and some of the friends he has that don't get high on weed will still be his friend. Maybe I'm getting overboard on this or making a mountain outta a molehill. I just want to gently guide him in the sobriety direction, not have some uneducated person on substance abuse tell him he will be a loser if this continues. My personal Dr. recommended it, the school nurse recommended it, I have a call in to his pediatrician to have a confidential talk and ask him what is the best approach to this. So I hope that satisfies some of your questions as to why I'm thinking the way I'm thinking. I can't even see straight, I'm exhausted, scared, frightened and very worried that my youngest, and third child may have found the road to addiction, like the other two have. If I catch this in time, way before pills and heroin are involved, he will at least have a fighting chance to get off the highway of addiction, take the exit to sobriety and at least enjoy the youth that has been robbed from so many children. Please understand why I'm doing what I'm doing. Life is so short as it is, lets leave addiction outta this boys future. TF

KeepinItReal

TwoFish - I grew up in a verbally abusive household. I became a drug-addict to sooth a lot of pain and reality, my sister had an eating disorder for all of her years of high school and then married a physically abusive man (thankfully divorced) yet, she still suffers mentally, my brother has an un-diagnosed eating disorder (starves himself all day) then eats only certain foods at night and is unable to keep anytime of healthy relationship with any women and he's also verbally abusive, and my youngest sister married a drug addict with known psychiatric problems.
My mom is the sweetest, kindest most loving person anyone knows. She puts herself last all the time. She is the definition of martyr. I love my mom more than anything in this World. My dad wasn't a bad person, but he was very mean to my mom and she was very mean to him. We grew up with them arguing all the time and it did affect all of us. I'm the oldest. I wished they would get divorced.... all through high school. But that was their relationship. It was unique and their own, and they loved each other in their own dysfunctional way.
I NEVER blamed my parents. Yet, I think that we all lacked a certain amount of control of our environment. It was the chaos. I was able to heal the most out of the house, when I moved into my own place. I'm still healing today.
I think life is too short to deal with abuse in any way. I dealt with it my whole life, and now all I want is peace.
If you find peace and happiness, your kids will see it.
I love both my parents, but they were unable to provide a loving environment which I really needed. Yet, sometimes it was. Some days were wonderful!!! But, the days that it wasn't... did the damage.
With kindness and love. Don't read too much into this.. I just want you to understand that finding peace will heal damage.

Eve13

Like all of our kids, if love cured addiction, the substance abuse facilities and therapists would be out of a job.
The choking game? Deadly. Scary.
That you locked yourself in the bedroom to be away and safe from his anger?
The pot? if he's using it in the home, then it would seem that it has gone beyond experimentation. And as much as you can guide and educate, like your daughters he will have to make his own decisions and have his own journey. We didn't cause addiction.
We can't control addiction. We can't cure addiction. Fight like hell, get him into counseling but ... those are 3 red flags I noted.
And agree with the others, help yourself. Nothing changes until we change ourself. No one deserves to be treated the way you were.

MLJ88

TF- If you feel as a mother that your son needs to be drug tested- Then don't feel bad about it. Hes only 14 so you still have a huge say in his life. Hes young and yes probably smokes pot, but you know that it can lead to more serious drugs. Do what you feel is right for your child- bc that's just what he is- a child. I don't know that the pot is the reason fro his anger outbursts though- Actually I doubt it is. Hes angry about the turmoil in the family due to his sisters addiction- something very scary for such a young man to see first hand. Hes learned from his father that yelling at his mother is an acceptable way to deal with his anger. I think he really needs a good grounding, and after he has calmed down from the grounding that you give him- then talk to him about boundries and respect.

I think your first step is to try having a calm talk with your husband about your sons ager towards you, and tell your husband to start setting a good example for his child. Make it your husbands responsibility and yes I know- much easier said then done. I think the second step is a drug test for your son- It will scare him into not smoking pot for the time being. And third step is to definitely get your son into therapy- hes having a hard time coping with the addiction in the family.

Please don't forget about yourself either. Do something that you enjoy for you! Even if its just a long walk by yourself to clear your head. You do not deserve to be crying and this upset- Do something that will make you laugh. Please take care of yourself.

Twofish

Hi SR, Do you think I have along with my husband (who doesn't live with us) have done sooo much damage to our 3 kids that it can't be repaired? Is it too late for these innocent children that it sounds like I have damaged? I am getting nervous again, what can I do to help them? Please don't confirm that it's too late to help these kids, especially the 14 yr old? They grew up so happy...always holding my hand , wanting to sit by me, saying they loved me? Any storm that happened outside they all climbed into our bed to cuddle. I've damaged my children, now what? Is it too late? TF

cece1960

TF,
They are no longer innocent children, and this is not your fault. As a mom, I know how often we tend to throw ourselves on the sword to protect our kids but at some point we need to back off and let them experience the consequence of poor decisions.

Carlotta

I would not spend 175$ on a phone for a 14 year old child, let alone a disrespectful little punk who kicks the doors and screams at his mother!
Let him work for it, with the fall and then the winter coming up there are I am sure plenty of opportunity to do yard work for the neighbors etc. They both sound like they are spoiled and taking you for granted

KeepinItReal

I don't think it's ever too late. I have been sober for 4+ years, my sister is a police officer and re-married a state trooper (very accomplished, both of them), my brother runs two businesses and my younger sister is still struggling with her relationship but is a licensed hair stylist and just gave birth to a healthy baby girl.
There is ALWAYS hope. Don't be hard on yourself or worried. You are changing now... and it's NEVER too late!!!

MLJ88

TF- Stop beating yourself up for your childrens decisions. Your daughters made their choices as adults to do drugs- Yes extremely sad for a mother to watch. and it sounds like you have done everything any mother could have done to try to help them. They are adults and they know you love them. You did not ruin their lives- they did the moment they decided to try heroin. You are an excellent mother- if you weren't then you would not be on here right now crying and worried sick about your children.

As far as your son goes- Hes just a kid still- set him boundries and rules to live by- you do have control over him right now. Do not allow him to push you around- if you say No enough times, take away things that he thinks he cant live without as punishment for him, and make him work for the things he wants- Then over time he will start to understand that you mean business, that you are MOM and as mom you are BOSS. If he still pushes you around and acts disrespectful, then send him to live with dad for a bit ( if that's possible).

Get your son therapy or family therapy for all of you. setting boundries and rules for a child will help them to succeed in all walks of life. ALso a little hard work never hurts a kid. Even if its just household/yard work.

Please stop blaming yourself. I think your best bet right now is to focus on your son alone, and yourself. BIG HUGS to you.

Twofish

Thanks everyone. Today was so exhausting, got nothing done, well I did stick close to my iPad for much needed support, made a few phone calls. Now the power is at 6%, my son took my charger so pretty soon I will be without SR. I feel like that child that got punished again, taking away my charger for being naughty...not going there again, it's too painful. Maybe he will just give it back to me. So if I'm cut off its cause I have no power. Tomorrow will be Halloween, a spooky day, one filled with tricks or treats and maybe a smile or two one can only hope, right? Well, now everyone has seen me at one of my lowest points, a place I never want to go again, it'd frightening, but when my husband and son and AD are finished chewing me out, it will calm down, this is my wish. TF

Carlotta

You are joking right?
You are the parent, he is the child!

hopeful4

TF it is never too late for your children.

That being said, you need to show your 14 y.o. that you are the parent and he is the child. It sounds as though he is VERY disrespectful to you. I explain to my 14. y.o. DD all the time that anything she has belongs to be. I respect her and give her space as long as she deserves it. If not, everything becomes mine again.

Don't worry about what other people on here think, that is what we are for, support while you need it. I would not worry about what other people in your town think either, lots of people have skeletons in their own closet that are child sized.

Good Luck and God Bless. Please stay safe.

help4hubby

I'm so sorry things are rough for you and your family right now! You are right, your daughters are so young, it most definitely is not too late. The fact that they have made the effort to get clean and sought treatment is a very good sign. I really hate that one of them blamed you though. Even if you were a horrible mother (which I know that you haven't been) but even if you had, that is no excuse to self-destruct and waste your life away by being high. It isn't fair or healthy to blame someone else for your problems. I'm sure it's very hurtful to hear from your child but try not to buy into that non-sense. There are people out there who have lived far worse lives with much less than what your children have had and they have been able to make a life for themselves without drugs. Her addiction is hers and although she didn't ask for it she does have to own it and learn how to live life as an addict.

I hate the way your son is treating you. Drug testing sounds like a great idea. He is at a crucial age where he is still very much dependent on you (which is a good thing). This is about the age where things started to go wrong for my husband. He often says he wishes he could have gone to military school or an alternative school that focussed on respecting authority. I'm not sure if that would be an option for you all. Right now he doesn't even have a driver's license or permit. He can't legally purchase cigarettes and most definitely should not be smoking pot. Have you ever seen the scared straight shows where they take troubled kids/teens to jail for a day? That may be a good wake-up call as well. When my sister was in high school she came to school drunk one day and got caught. They called my mom to get her. My mom took her to the hospital and had her tested for drugs and alcohol and then turned her over to a magistrate. She had to go to court appointed counseling along with detention at school. Consequences make things real. If he can see how his actions negatively effect him maybe he will change his behavior. If he gets violent with you and doesn't stop when asked I would call the police. I hope you're doing better. You've been in my thoughts :-)

Twofish

I charged my iPad on my car lighter charger. My AD called my husband and told stories that just didn't happen. He accused me of starving her and the boy. Said I only feed him soda and junk microwave food. And he believed her. He yelled, I cried, I couldn't get a word in edgewise. It was painful, my heart hurts. I finally said to believe what he wants to, he called me a ****** mother and I should start behaving like a mother. I do, why is everyone doing this to me? I am a good mother, it's hard to hold this family together, 3 kids dabbling in drugs, no male figure, no respect. I'm in prison now, locked up in my room. I don't feel safe anymore.i don't like life anymore. Is this what going crazy feels like?

suki44883

How about dad taking the kids for a while? He seems to know so much about being a parent.