pravchaw

I just found out yesterday that I have been passed over for an important promotion at work. After years of outstanding performance and business results, I was told this year that I was struggling in my work. They are probably right - as my son's addiction has affected me greatly over the last year and drained my energy level and focus. I feel very disappointed that I missed this window of opportunity, which is likely now closed for ever. Now I will have to cope with a boss who was a former rival.

Let me know if you had similar experiences and your though process on how you over came these kinds of setbacks.

Eve13

No words. Just quiet empathy offered.

Hollyanne

Would you be pleased with yourself if you had got the promotion, but you had ignored your son's problem?
You are a caring parent who had to concentrate on parenting more than work this year.
I would hardly consider that wrong.
You will be rewarded for your sacrifice.
Trust me.
To use an annoying cliche, "Nobody gets to their deathbed regretting not having worked more or making more money".
Far more likely to regret not spending time on the important things in life.
Family, friends, community.

lizwig

Good Morning Pravchaw, I'm very sorry you are feeling discouraged. My husband has faced similar difficulties in his career and has tried to use them as a catalyst (returned to school to get his master's etc). You didn't get this opportunity because it wasn't meant for you. Something else is on the horizon. Perhaps the universe aligned so you would be available to support your son through this period in his life. The potential challenges a huge career step might have posed simply may not have allowed you the necessary "brain time" needed to concentrate on your own recovery, and lend support to your son through his. Does that make sense? I haven't had enough coffee yet. As disappointing as it is, try to trust there is a reason that may not be obvious for awhile. Hand it over to the universe, express gratitude for having a solid career in this economy and be proud of what you have achieved. You have shown many of us what the most important job we have should look like....providing loving support to ourselves and our loved ones. Big, massive hug to you today. And, it's true, you never see a person's job title on their headstone. What you do see is "loving husband, father and friend"....Chin up, there are better things to come.

Twofish

Gosh Hollyann and Lizwig, Sure you wonderful ladies aren't therapists? Hummm? I mean that in the most respectable sincere ways. Both your posts to Pravchaw were very encouraging! I was gonna go on and on about how people use judgement in the negative way to make important promotional decisions, and that does happen...but when you ladies said the importance that the support and love Pravchaw gave to her child was worth ten times the gratification of a promotion. Wow, powerful! Addiction really sucks, but love, support and hope are family values that not any promotion can give a family. Pravchaw, good things are coming your way, I just feel it, I don't know what, but wait, give it time and I think you will be pleasantly surprised. Take care Pravchaw, smile cause you and your child are alive, rejoice in sobriety and wait for something good coming your way! Hugs and no tears! TF. Well maybe this new "boss" will lean on you?

pravchaw

Thank you my friends for reminding me of what is more important. There is no question I will give up my career in a heartbeat in exchange for my son's recovery.

jjj111

Pravchaw, I agree with others that sometimes family just takes priority over work. But I also hear what you said in your post, that your son's addiction has become so draining to you that you are having a hard time focusing at work. Maybe it's time to take a step back and think about what boundaries will help you to preserve your own clarity and peace of mind? Being there for family is important, of course! But when it becomes exhausting to support troubled family members, then it's OK IMHO to start thinking about how to make ourselves the priority again.

There were times when I was in graduate school that my sister's addiction became so all consuming for me that I almost didn't make it through my degree program. I'm glad that I took the space I needed from her to achieve a goal that meant a lot to me.

Kindeyes

pravchaw
I can only imagine how very much this may have distressed you. Others have provided great insight above.

I own my business so there is no "upward mobility" for me so to speak. But I absolutely assure you that my son's addiction has taken a toll on me and my business over the years.

Even when we have a strong program of recovery, we can't "do it" perfectly all the time. I am grateful for my staff who support me and give their 110% when I have been unable to do so.

Take care of you. I am of the belief that there was a reason for this that is yet to be known. As always, time will reveal more.

gentle hugs
ke

Ann

I am a big believer that life takes us to where we are supposed to go, Prachaw, and I have a feeling that this missed promotion means that something wonderful waits for you, maybe on a different path, maybe on a detour on this one...but I'd bet my codie decoder ring that this will end up being one of those strangely wrapped gifts...where a blessing comes from a disappointment.

Trust me on this, I am old and wiser than I used to be. Hindsight has taught me to just trust the process and roll with life.

Hugs

soberhawk

I am sorry pravchaw.

If your function includes managing other people, your struggle with your son in all its hurtfulness will broaden your understanding of humans and make you a better manager.

I think you are right in prioritizing your family now.

Twofish

Dear Pravchaw, You truly are blessed with cyber friends that not only understand what you are going thru but also want to comfort you in this time of struggle to understand how fortunate you are. You are a very good mamma and your son should consider himself lucky to have you. Breathe and than smile girlfriend! TF

BlueChair

I agree with what everyone has said and I was thinking you can use this experience to relate more to your son maybe. Probably you didn't see how your thoughts and feelings were distracting you from work and then all the sudden your hit with a consequence. That might be the same way the smoking pot has changed your sons life. The emotions you have, well if your like my husband who damaged his career with his relapse there is anger at himself, frustration, a blow to his feeling of self confidence, ashamed what he did, face people he worked with, things like that. The hard part for him is not using drugs to run away from those feelings or the problems and he now will have to work to fix them. Sometimes he says he feels hopeless like you said, the feeling this was your one career chance maybe to get this promotion. Your son maybe feels like his chances have passed him by. I dont know if Im making sense, but maybe when you come to terms with it, a good father son talk about lessons you learned in dealing with acceptance, the disappointment, and how you find the courage to make plans for your future.

Johnston

Family's more important than career. A loving father will be remembered far longer than a successful employee.

pravchaw

TF: I will take "mamma" as a compliment but I am not sure about "girlfriend" part.

zoso77

Will give my two cents in the morning.

ZoSo

Lotusangel

Pravchaw, sometimes the more conscientious and hard working individuals have to wait a little longer to receive the recognition but in the end, the reward is usually much bigger

zoso77

The year I was with my AXGF was a bad year for me professionally and academically. When you don't have the skills you need to deal with someone else's addiction, you get so wrapped up in the drama of the addiction. In a 5 month period, I had to deal with 3 hospitalizations and a major suicide threat. And the sort of stress that comes with that has a cumulative effect. You think you're managing it all until one day something else happens and your ability to cope is simply not there. My boss was very concerned about my absences and my well being, and she was right to be.

It wasn't until after my AXGF was gone that I was able to reclaim my career. And it was a very gradual process. I can tell you straight up that if my AXGF were still around, I would not have been able to successfully juggle my career and finish graduate school.

So what do you have to do? You have to accept that what your son does or doesn't do is out of your hands. You have to decouple from his sh*t as best you can. You don't have to pay the price for your son's decisions. Then, career-wise, give yourself managable goals for a time to get back up to speed. And then just ramp it up.

You can't change what has happened in the past. If your rival is now your boss, it is what it is. Manage that responsibly and with the maturity and professionalism a situation like that requires. Head down, shoulder out, and tell yourself you will get back to where you were, and then some.

ZoSo

jacrazz

These past few months have been hellish. I put my kid on a plane to rehab (yet again), my dad fell and is now in a nursing home, my mom suffered a mild stroke, I had to deal with a breakup from an alcoholic, all back to back while attempting to get through nursing school! I forged ahead and decided that I was not going to take a break from nursing school yet I feel that my focus is not fully there, mush less at work. I got an 84% on my first test and can only beleive that it was my HP that has me in his hands. It takes alot for me to even get out of bed most days but I have to remember the three c's. Just know that you are not alone. ((((HUGS)))))

Twofish

Dear Pravchaw, Sorry for assuming your gender, young MAN. We can still be friends trapped by addiction in this world of parenthood. I'm sorry I'm so flighty, I've just been given another blow, painful, debilitating . I'm broken, Prachaw and all I have left to trust is my SR family, so please forgive me, I'm not right today. Be good to yourself, smile for me, ok? I need happiness around me. TF

pravchaw

Thanks again all for your support and perspective. Just some context - I am not so young anymore (thanks TF) and with this C-suite opportunity out of reach I have to hang around for a year or so till I am eligible for early retirement. Anyway's when one door closes others tend to open up. Thanks to all the great advise I picked up here, I am getting better with my son, and I am letting him work his program. So far so good.