Eve13

AS reports he is ready for discharge Friday from his inpatient SA program, and wants to come home for outpatient treatment. Concerns we have with this are -
* He was SUPPOSE to be in outpatient counseling but never went
* He was still using
*And because he was still using he was violating his probation

We, as a parent team, before he went inpatient told him he needs to go to a 3/4 house for structured living after inpatient as 1-2 weeks is still a frail beginning. He is fighting this. His inpatient counselor spoke to me last night and suggests
(1) AS get a therapist (ummm, he has one, didn't he tell you? NO???)
(2) That AS feels we parents should go to AlAnon to "help and support" him. (Hmmm, He's 23. He doesn't HAVE to live at home)

My question for you, who have walked this journey: IF he goes to IOP should we let him come home? Or should we stick to our guns and say no coming home until 3/4 residential program complete? We want to do what is best for him AND for us.

Ann

Personally, I'd stick to my guns. The only exception might be if he was on a "very short" waiting list for a sober living place, and that would have serious boundaries attached. My son never once did well at home, and neither did we.

We are not their only option. Many find their way without their parents.

Al-anon is about US, our healing, our learning to place boundaries and keep our homes from being a war zone. I think that counselor needs a little more educating.

When I felt guilty for not letting my son live at home, I reminded myself that he got himself into this situation all by himself and that it was more loving to let him find his own way out than to provide comforts of home each time he asked. We can love them and support their recovery no matter where they live, and refusing to place ourselves at risk is a wise decision.

Good luck because I know this is not easy or you.

Hugs

Tinks65

Unfortunately there isn't a handbook .... While there are no hard fast rules it seems to me that it is rarely a good thing for the addict to come back home. Even with my non addict children I find that we so easily slip into the parent/child roles. This is never good for an addict.

My son came home from an 18 month incarceration and at the time we told him this was his one opportunity. I admit I was so naive at the time and basically clueless as to the depth of his addiction. We had 8 months of peace before the freight train that was relapse hit our family. We survived, it was then that the boundaries were set. He has not since lived with us except for a brief two week period while waiting for a bed at an inpatient rehab. He has lived on multiple couches of friends, other addicts. A homeless shelter for three weeks. A tent for a month.

Each of these experiences has played a part on his road to recovery. Some have been painful for us both. I will never forget driving away from the shelter, it brings tears to my eyes to remember it. I will also not forget the peace and serenity I felt when I came home and realized what a sanctuary my home and husband were for me. A sanctuary that I will not allow the evil of addiction to penetrate ever again.

I love my son with all that I am but I know that God loves him too, not with a fragile love like mine that is so easily manipulated by fear, expectation, or guilt but with a perfect holy love. It is this knowledge that enables me to leave him in God's capable hands. Aside from that knowledge I don't know if I would have had the strength to let go.

All of this being said I will say that I don't think it is ever our place to tell a parent what to do. I offer my experience for what it has been to us, I will pray that God would give you and your spouse the wisdom to do what is best for you all.

pravchaw

I think going to al-anon is a good idea for you and your husband anyway (I prefer a family group mediated by an addiction therapist, but that may not be available everywhere).

Some questions?
Are you paying for the half way house?

My son relapsed within a week after a 21 day in-patient 12 - step rehab last year. Things became quite bad and I finally had to kick him out of the house in February. He lived in a rooming house for a few months (still in active addiction). As you know this month I let him come back home (after a stint in detox). He started a out-patient (lapsed after a week) and has this week restarted.

Eve13

Thank you both for sharing your story. Family meeting tomorrow 4pm. I have told the social worker we will listen with open ears and hearts however being home has not worked. Yet.

Twofish

Hi Eve, Good to hear from you. So the son thinks he's ready to get discharged on Friday? Hummm, what does your gut feelings say? One of my RAD was just turning 19 when She got out of the hospital. I had reservations about her coming home, I not only feared a relapse, but another suicide attempt. The hospital set up all appts. And therapists and all IOP care. So I set up the boundaries, absolute sobriety, a plan she made if she feels suicidal again, I drove her to all appts, 4 hours 4 times a week, for the IOP and 1 time a week for the psychologist, and every 3 weeks for The Dr., lots of driving. She was hospitalized initially 2 hours from home. So the choice was to find a group home, homelessness, or come home to mom.(me) considering she never lived alone except for a year of dorm life at college, promises, boundaries and contracts, I took her in. When we had her intake evaluation for IOP, they recommended inpatient, she said no, please give her just one chance...gosh she's still a baby so we gave her a chance, 12 weeks later we are celebrating her 12 week mark of sobriety! We were luck, so far. Addiction has changed her she is lonely and frightened, she fears the gossip and judgement, and of course I fear a relapse. She is strong but very lonely, all her friends either use or are away at college. Meetings help, but anyone have any other suggestions on how to make her feel a little bit more normal? Sorry for hogging your thread Eve, it just opened up a can of AVs that I want to keep at bay and away from my children. Maybe this might even help you. As far as letting him come home??? Listen to your gut, as you know addicts lie and manipulate, even with therapy, so I guess this decision will sadly be thrust onto your shoulders, pray, listen to your HP, other family members who will be living in your home with him,,(mandatory drug testing), don't listen to your heart, listen to your gut feeling, boundaries. Have some hope, I know this is hard on us moms, hope that four letter word that helps us hang on tight while riding the roller coaster called addiction. My thoughts and prayers are with you today and especially Friday, Eve, you will make the right decision. Hugs and gently more hugs to you from us, TF

lizwig

Good morning Eve, you've got a difficult decision to make. He may be testing you....if you give on this issue, perhaps you will on the next one as well. Remember boundaries are for us. You deserve a peaceful home. As others will tell you....we are not their only option and most often, we aren't even a good one. In my experience, when I made decisions based upon fear, things never turned out well. I have come to believe on some level my gut was trying to tell me "don't go there"....but I couldn't find the strength at the time to stick to my guns. I now (not perfectly!!) make decisions that lend support, offering rehab etc, but try to be as strong as I can in my own recovery to recognize sometimes what might be good (and comfy) for them...isn't what is best for us. Try to make the best decision for you. Just because he says he's ready to be released, doesn't mean his recovery matches that desire yet. You have been through a lot in the past few weeks, a longer stint in rehab won't make things worse....and may affirm to him you are showing him what real change looks like. Big hug to you, I'm so sorry this decision is being left to you.

Eve13

I like to think the decision is ultimately up to him - sober recovery living ...or not. But neither at our home. He is threatening self harm again, (the facility says) we cannot be held hostage to the adult version of a temper tantrum. We have to do what is best for us, and in our imperfect understanding, what is going to be most helpful in the long run for him.

BeavsDad

Don't change the plan. He should do IOP while living at a Sober Living Environment even if you have to pay for the first month.

They will give him the structure he needs. He will have a curfew and be required to get a job and attend meetings.

If he screws it up, they will kick him out.

In that case, you will need to be able to enforce a "no active addicts/drugs in my home" boundary and let him figure it out.

Eve13

Today's the meeting with son and staff at the SA facility. I'm nervous and sad that this is where we are at. But I am actively seeking out my emotional space of love and support for my son, but not his disease. I can't control it, I didn't cause it, I can't cure it. His decisions, his choices. I am less upset with my spouse's anger toward this situation, which has been a source of tension between us. I don't want to hear it, I have enough to deal with - my own feelings! I'd say. Now, more comfortable letting him vent, and have started forwarding him links to some AlAnon articles. I can't control his feelings either, right?
I hope to be fully present at this meeting with an open mind, an open heart, and good boundaries. I hope my husband will as well.
I want to thank this community for the support and knowledge I feel I have been receiving - and know I am a long way from being ok, but with baby steps, one at a time, move forward. Today and every day is in the hands of my HP.
I'll update how the meeting went this evening. But I really wanted to say thank you in gratitude this morning.

Eve13

Update -

Son presented his strong reasoning why he should come home and his plan for staying clean. He reallyreallyreally wants to come home. He is very bright. And manipulative.

We presented a sober recovery home we found in a very nice part of town and offered to just meet the manager, the rest of the residents there. He is not thrilled, but he will go. We also brought up if the insurance HAS to stop on Friday, if he could have some more time to work through a discharge plan. The staff will call today. He has been an active participant and intellectually "gets" it. So that absolutely weighs in his favor for added time. Does he emotionally feel he is an addict? Not.at.all.

Spouse now leaning toward him coming home (ACK!) as maybe he really is changed now he is on depakote. I emailed him my list of pros and cons, to me still more reasons for AS to NOT return home, but these decisions need to be carefully weighed.

LOA Sunday night to look at the Sober Recovery home, I have asked that we all suspend decisions until we look at it, one day at a time.

Eve13

Well. What a difference a day makes. Now, we have been told AS had to be roused out of bed to attend meetings, and had a "poor" attitude with some staff and is administratively discharged. No warning. All contact we've had with this facility has been that he's "getting it" "making progress" attending sessions. WTF

I don't know where he is going from there. We aren't picking him up as the staff suggests. Um, no, we are an hour away. Honest information at the family meeting last night would have been helpful.

So, AS is homeless as he can't come home and use. Jobless, phone-less as he broke his.

I am heartbroken for him and the choices he is making. If anyone is reading this, support is appreciated.

lizwig

Oh Eve, I'm so sorry. Was he destructive at the facility? How could they be telling you last night his attitude was good and then today bad enough to be discharged? I'm sorry...I don't recall....Is there any opportunity for inpatient treatment? This was detox type/stabilizing treatment right? I know the answers to these questions are further up in your thread but you wanted some support so here I am!! It is very hard as a parent to know our children are suffering...but if you allow him to move home then ALL of you will be suffering. Would he possibly consider an oxford house? I work in healthcare and it seems to me discharging someone with recent psychiatric issues with no plan in place is extremely dangerous. In fact, at our hospital we could be reported to the state for doing so. Breathe, say a prayer, and know we are all here for you. I wish there was an easy answer...my son doesn't have a phone either because I finally decided I wasn't going to facilitate calls to drug dealers on my dime. He has punished me but has always managed to get messages to me through facebook or texts when he reaches out. Did they tell you specifically what he did to warrant immediate discharge? Hang in there...thinking about you.

seacatlady

Hi Eve13,
Tears came to my eyes reading your honest and heart felt posts. I am just starting on the road to understanding and reaching out for help with my addict sister and this is the first place that I have turned. I only wish my 78 year old mom could have the same strength and knowledge that you demonstrate. I plan to share your story with Mama and hope you give her strength to begin the road to dealing with my 53 year old addict sister/her AD. Mama is determined to continue to enable her by giving her a place to live and buying every word and promise that comes out of her mouth....which is only making matters worse. Addict sister is destroying our mom's tranquil home and her life. It is heartbreaking, on so many levels, to see what addiction is doing to so many families. Stay strong Eve13 and know that your courage and strength is a positive light in my eyes. Big hug!

hopeful4

Wish I had some great words of wisdom but all I have are prayers for all of you. Hugs and make sure you are getting the support you need for yourself also.

God Bless! Keep posting, you are not alone!

Eve13

lizwig, on Monday, his therapist said he was participating and learning.
Yesterday at the family meeting the supervisor said he was attending classes but had to roll him out of bed that morning.
Today his therapist said he refused to get up out of bed, missed the morning session, has talked that he WILL use again because he thinks he can control his disease and that that attitude is not acceptable in rehab. So, he's out. Just.like.that.

IRT his mental health issue, I know! He has no funds in which to buy his meds. Very confusing.

lizwig

Please know I am thinking about you and your son. These situations are so frustrating. When the care they need is at their fingertips and they dismiss and disregard everyone who is able to help. I suppose your son is looking for a gentler, softer way and wants to try half measures before he commits fully. He'll realize that doesn't work. My son isn't willing to try anything at the moment so there really isn't much to do...except trust this is part of a bigger plan. Our son's have a higher power too....and as much as I don't want to acknowledge this....it isn't us. Big hug to you tonight.

Eve13

lizwig, thank you. I know the higher power isn't us. Boy, if it is, we are all in trouble! It's just the discharge was a total mess (they even admitted it) and now we are scrambling. He is going to a meeting tonight and we will take it one day at a time. And being home? Not an ideal situation.

pravchaw

Eve, I am sorry that this happened, but maybe some good will come out of it as you can leverage his desire to stay at home into some firm boundaries. Is there an intensive out patient program he can attend? 12 step meetings did not do much for my son. Its hard for a 20 year old to relate when the average age at AA meetings is 45.

Twofish

Dear Eve, Please call and get an assessment ASAP to an IOP program, that's what we did after my 19 yr old AD got out of the hospital, and it was a psy hospital, for only 5 days, so she was pretty uncooperative but went anyway, graduated, finished after care and attends meetings. We are having a slight set back the past two days, smarty mouth, disrespectful, complaining etc. I think it's PAWS, AV and boredom all wrapped into one. He needs help and guidance but must desire and want it bad enough. All you can do is set him in the right direction and see where he goes. Take care! TF