New here and saying hi
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 15
New here and saying hi
Hi everyone!
My name is Hadley and I am 23 years old and am a recovering heroin addict and a co-dependent.
I have always had relationship issues. I always seemed to find the "misunderstood" boy, the boy with family issues, the boy that just needed someone to stand behind him and give him a chance.. I always found that person that needed me, that needed to be "saved" and that didn't have anyone but me to lean on.
For awhile I got away with dating those kinds of guys until me and my last ex boyfriend got heavy into drugs and I decided to move in with him in order to show him life can be nice (having a nice apartment, having our own little life together, not having to worry about not having somewhere to live etc. etc.)
Unfortunately, against my mom's wishes I paid the bills, I paid for our drug addiction, I let him use my car, I gave him access to my bank accounts, etc. etc. I set out on a quest to change him, make him a stand up guy and show him what "true love really is".
Everything hit a head when he started pawning my belongings to get drugs, stealing money from my accounts/purse/wallet, he started lying about jobs, and literally every word out of his mouth was a lie.
I am extremely proud to say that we are now no longer together and for the first time since prob. middle school I am single. I always thought quitting heroin would be the hardest thing I ever did, but I am slowly finding out that learning how to have healthy relationships/separate myself from other people is going to be my hardest battle. I don't know if it is so hard because I am so afraid of being alone, because I just can't help but want to "fix" people, etc. but this is proving to be so so soooo much harder than just putting down drugs.
Sorry this post has so much information just thrown into it, but I wanted to introduce myself before I started commenting on other people's posts. As of today I am sober and not in contact with my ex, but it is a struggle to not want to "check up on him" and there is a part of me that worries about never finding someone else.
~ Hadley
My name is Hadley and I am 23 years old and am a recovering heroin addict and a co-dependent.
I have always had relationship issues. I always seemed to find the "misunderstood" boy, the boy with family issues, the boy that just needed someone to stand behind him and give him a chance.. I always found that person that needed me, that needed to be "saved" and that didn't have anyone but me to lean on.
For awhile I got away with dating those kinds of guys until me and my last ex boyfriend got heavy into drugs and I decided to move in with him in order to show him life can be nice (having a nice apartment, having our own little life together, not having to worry about not having somewhere to live etc. etc.)
Unfortunately, against my mom's wishes I paid the bills, I paid for our drug addiction, I let him use my car, I gave him access to my bank accounts, etc. etc. I set out on a quest to change him, make him a stand up guy and show him what "true love really is".
Everything hit a head when he started pawning my belongings to get drugs, stealing money from my accounts/purse/wallet, he started lying about jobs, and literally every word out of his mouth was a lie.
I am extremely proud to say that we are now no longer together and for the first time since prob. middle school I am single. I always thought quitting heroin would be the hardest thing I ever did, but I am slowly finding out that learning how to have healthy relationships/separate myself from other people is going to be my hardest battle. I don't know if it is so hard because I am so afraid of being alone, because I just can't help but want to "fix" people, etc. but this is proving to be so so soooo much harder than just putting down drugs.
Sorry this post has so much information just thrown into it, but I wanted to introduce myself before I started commenting on other people's posts. As of today I am sober and not in contact with my ex, but it is a struggle to not want to "check up on him" and there is a part of me that worries about never finding someone else.
~ Hadley
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Hadley and congratulations on your recovery both for drugs and codependency...around here we call people who have experienced both sides of addiction "double winners" and there are several here.
You are so wise to take time to find your own peace with yourself and learn to be happy by yourself.
My home group for many years was CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and if there is one in your area you might try a few meetings and see if this helps you. It is a fellowship about us, and why we are how we are. Nar-anon and Al-anon are similar fellowships that you may find helpful.
A book called "Codependent No More" is another source of help for many of us. It talks about codependency and what we can do to overcome it.
I am glad you joined us and hope you find support and comfort here.
Hugs
You are so wise to take time to find your own peace with yourself and learn to be happy by yourself.
My home group for many years was CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and if there is one in your area you might try a few meetings and see if this helps you. It is a fellowship about us, and why we are how we are. Nar-anon and Al-anon are similar fellowships that you may find helpful.
A book called "Codependent No More" is another source of help for many of us. It talks about codependency and what we can do to overcome it.
I am glad you joined us and hope you find support and comfort here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Welcome Hadley and congratulations on your recovery! That's awesome!! You will never regret time spent improving yourself. In my early 20's my picker was definitely broken. I always chose guys who were selfish and had a bad boy component to them. It didn't take me long to question why I was doing this...it really said more about me. I think I was unsure of who I was, had low self esteem and figured I could mold them into what I wanted. Pfffbt. I finally took a break, worked on me and began dating again. It's amazing that as my self confidence grew I instinctively made better choices. I have a wonderful husband...the kind you can really count on. The kind who considers my feelings in his decisions. We've been together nearly 25 years. I believe if you take the time to learn about yourself, you'll just KNOW you deserve better and you won't settle. Keep up the good work...I'm sure it's very difficult. You will find some incredible, inspiring "double winners" on this forum. I admire their honesty and their commitment. I have learned so much from them. You will learn a lot from them too. Again, welcome.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 102
Welcome Hadley. Congratulations on your great accomplishments!!! Don't worry, the more time you invest in yourself and realize your own self-worth so will others. That will bring you positive energy and people that value and appreciate you. Keep up the good work and keep moving forward. Without struggle there is no progress.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Hadley, Welcome to SR and to this forum. Support is your friend now, addiction is the enemy and who you should stay away from! Take care of yourself, don't neglect your health! Stick around, read, post, maybe hit a few meetings. We are there for you. Honest, nonjudgmental , and trustworthy. Hugs! TF
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 152
Welcome Hadley! You and your folks should be proud that you came out of a rough situation intact. Hopefully your "BS Meter" is on full force and you can learn from past mistakes, and not repeat. Honestly, isn't that the way we all learn and grow? Yesterday is over, enjoy your new day!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 15
Thank you so much for your warm welcome and words of encouragement!
It is amazing how much I had lost myself when he was living with me. It took me longer than I wish it had but I finally was able to see that everyone else wasn't wrong about the situation, I was just in denial.
As many of you recommended, I am taking this time to just focus on me and get myself in order and get myself to a healthy point before I even worry about bringing someone into my life. It is pretty obvious that unless I do the work needed I am just going to keep going after the same type of guy and well what is the point in leaving one bad relationship just to start another?
I already love this forum and intend to keep posting and reading on here
It is amazing how much I had lost myself when he was living with me. It took me longer than I wish it had but I finally was able to see that everyone else wasn't wrong about the situation, I was just in denial.
As many of you recommended, I am taking this time to just focus on me and get myself in order and get myself to a healthy point before I even worry about bringing someone into my life. It is pretty obvious that unless I do the work needed I am just going to keep going after the same type of guy and well what is the point in leaving one bad relationship just to start another?
I already love this forum and intend to keep posting and reading on here
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Welcome Hadley (I love that name by the way)!
I too am a people "fixer." I know where you are coming from. I don't have a substance abuse problem but will say, if you can conquer that you can conquer anything, including codependency.
When you are thinking about checking up on him thing about how you felt when he would steal from you? You don't want to expose yourself to that. Take time to work on you and then the right person will come along for all the right reasons.
Good Luck and God Bless!
I too am a people "fixer." I know where you are coming from. I don't have a substance abuse problem but will say, if you can conquer that you can conquer anything, including codependency.
When you are thinking about checking up on him thing about how you felt when he would steal from you? You don't want to expose yourself to that. Take time to work on you and then the right person will come along for all the right reasons.
Good Luck and God Bless!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 15
I wrote out all the negatives of the relationship and put the positives on the other side and it was scary how easy it was to create a loonnnnnngggg list of negatives and how hard it was to put down positives without stretching the truth. I keep that list with me when I start to want to check up on him and it def. helps.
I have been eliminating negative people from my life for awhile now and I have finally eliminated the most negative person there was. I am trying to put my desire to help others into positive outlets like volunteering and helping those who actually deserve my help and appreciate it instead of someone who is taking advantage of me.
I have been eliminating negative people from my life for awhile now and I have finally eliminated the most negative person there was. I am trying to put my desire to help others into positive outlets like volunteering and helping those who actually deserve my help and appreciate it instead of someone who is taking advantage of me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
That a girl Hadley! Keep that list close at hand and stick with the winners....You'll know them when you see them. They are the people in the rooms protecting their recovery like a newborn baby...regardless of how long they've been attending. You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
Your story is almost identical to my daughter's, you're even the same age. I hope she finds the strength you did, to dump her guy, otherwise her sobriety is not going to last. He'll bring her down the way he always has. I may ask you for help in the future, I hope you don't mind. Welcome! Glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hi Hadley! Welcome to SR. We appreciate your honesty and sincerity!
Loads of fellow codies here to gain experience strength and wisdom from. Congratulations on taking charge of YOUR life.
You sound like a very strong, capable young woman.
Hugs,
Teresa
Loads of fellow codies here to gain experience strength and wisdom from. Congratulations on taking charge of YOUR life.
You sound like a very strong, capable young woman.
Hugs,
Teresa
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Originally Posted by Hadley 
I wrote out all the negatives of the relationship and put the positives on the other side and it was scary how easy it was to create a loonnnnnngggg list of negatives and how hard it was to put down positives without stretching the truth. I keep that list with me when I start to want to check up on him and it def. helps.
I have been eliminating negative people from my life for awhile now and I have finally eliminated the most negative person there was. I am trying to put my desire to help others into positive outlets like volunteering and helping those who actually deserve my help and appreciate it instead of someone who is taking advantage of me.
I have been eliminating negative people from my life for awhile now and I have finally eliminated the most negative person there was. I am trying to put my desire to help others into positive outlets like volunteering and helping those who actually deserve my help and appreciate it instead of someone who is taking advantage of me.
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