Jend719

Hello everyone. Thank you for allowing me to be part of this group. My daughter is 20yo and has been using heroin for almost 2 years. She was snorting it along with other prescription narcotics. I just found out she is shooting it now. She also has borderline personality disorder. She has been arrested 4 times. I've learned the "the system" is a joke. Especially if you're young, pretty, middle class and don't look the part of a severely addicted desperate addict who would sell their soul to get one more fix. I have always advocated for my daughter since her mental illness has long been an issue. I am at the point now that I will not let her back in our home. She has lied, robbed us, pawned all of jewelry, sold her iPad etc. I have chewed out the police department for letting her off on a summons to appear when they found her with a needle setting up her fix and bags or heroin in the console. I written every judge a letter begging them to NoT be lenient on her. I've begged for her to go to jail. I've begged our insurance company to give her "one more chance". But I also will not drive her to court. I will not allow her to sleep here when she has nowhere to go. Last night the ER released her because she was not in full blown withdrawal. I did not pick her up. I told her to go to a shelter. I am on to the manipulative game she plays. The lies she tells. The buttons she knows to push to play on my worst fears. At the same time, if I don't fight for her life no one else will...least of all her because she is incapable right now. I am lost, defeated, depleted, angry, sad, frustrated, and most of all scared that I will have to bury my daughter. I joined this forum so I could connect with other people who truly understand what I am going through. People say "I understand" or "I can't imagine how you must feel" ... They don't understand and I pray to God they never will because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy! They can't "imagine" how I must feel because it's beyond even my realm of comprehension. I'm apologize for this being long. It's the first place I've found with people "like me".

Twofish

Dear Jen, First off Welcome to SR, especially this forum where us moms hang out. Next I know exactly what you are going thru, read my threads (they're long too!) my ADs are 19 and 22. I still feel it very hard to say they are Herion addicts. Quite the roller coaster we have been on. Both my children are in some type of recovery, one is going the Methadone route and the other did the c/t IOP therapy. She just celebrated 12 weeks of sobriety. I believe you are smart to have a plan on not letting her back in your home, wait til she desires sobriety. She's so young, I feel your pain and desperation and frustration. Stay with us, we will help you and support you. Others will be along with more experience than I. I just wanted to welcome you and tell you you're not alone. Gentle hugs, prepare for a long road trip, TF

EJG123

Hi Jend- My AD has been down the path of your D and it was incredibly stressful for me. Having her move out two years ago was also incredibly stressful but it gave me space and time to heal. She is 25 now and still in active addiction. However, we are in contact and have a relationship based on mutual respect for personal boundaries. She knows I love her and will support her when/if she wants recovery. I used to feel that my AD was incapable of fighting for herself but the truth is that she was more capable than I thought.

lizwig

Hi Jend, I'm so sorry for what has brought you here. Another mom here. I'm so glad you found this site, it has been a great source of support for me. Many other parents and partners who understand the varying emotions you are feeling. It is good to have boundaries in place. I just remind myself the boundaries are for me, not to punish my son. For a long time I couldn't trust myself not to want to rescue him...it hasd taken time but I've reached a spot where I won't do for him what he is capable of doing for himself. Such a powerless feeling but honestly, until they indicate they want change sometimes we just need to distance ourselves. I love my son, and I believe he knows this. He has a standing offer of rehab but wants nothing to do with it. I've heard a couple of terms on this site recently that really spoke to me. STRONG love vs tough love and attach with love vs detach. About all i can do now for my son is to remind him he is loved and there is a better life waiting for him. We are in a thankless position, one that is often judged by others. We simply need to find a balance of our own serenity but with a consistent message to our young adults. I feel for you, we all do. Have you checked into nar-anon or al-anon? This site is fabulous, but there are times when the face to face, looking another person in the eye who truly gets it, begins to mend a broken, defeated heart. Big hug to you today.

Ilovemysonjj

Hello Jend, I am another Mamma (we call ourselves the Mamma Posse) who has lived with addiction for my oldest son (now 23) since he was 20. heroin. I think you are doing what you MUST do. Heroin addicts are very cunning, know how to play their most precious family members to their benefit. We have been down this long road, but now my son found recovery (8 months) AFTER he had to lose everything, go to jail, face possible prison and finally accepted rehab. In hindsight, I broke his fall so many times, all it did was delay the inevitable. he stole every piece of jewelry we owned and broke in our home. the consequences finally caught up with him. Keep posting, keep reading. We all totally understand .
Hugs,
TT

Chino

Another mom here. My daughter is a 25 year old recovering IV opiate addict. Her DOC (drug of choice) was dilaudid. Very expensive drug but she had won a large insurance settlement and shot it all up in her veins. Well, except for a few Christmas presents that will always mean the world to me. It was the one time in her active drug days that she put her family first.

When she ran out of money she started stealing from us. Thousands of dollars. It took a few years of alternating recovery and ugly relapse, but she's been on the wagon now for 3+ years, I think. She's doing well, just for today.

We're here for you and understand

Upsetnneedhelp

My experience with the criminal justice system has been mixed. My son when he was in his teens and 20's was always catching breaks from the law. He once violated probation with another charge and they gave him a "double probation". However, as his rap sheet grew, the system started clamping down. He currently back in prison after being on parole for only a few months. My advise is that eventually the system will do the same with your daughter.

Lotusangel

Jend welcome to SR, and I am sorry that we all have to meet under these circumstances. I am the mother of a 23 year old AS whose DOC is heroin (IV the ls round). He started when smoking it 18 years old and after a few months he came to me and told me thought he was addicted. He was really scared. We had a family intervention to try to help him. I knew nothing about heroin addiction. A few months later he relapsed and we took him to an out-of-state rehab for detox (30 day program). I didn't realize that this was a much hard drug to overcome. Soon after he went to jail for about a year then was on probation (clean for that whole year). He was out for six months on probation, then had a probation violation that put him in prison for another year (clean another year). He came out of prison doing great was about for about eight months then had an injury to his foot; the doctor gave him pain meds. Shortly after relapsed a couple of times before getting really sick and ending up in the hospital with staph that turned into sepsis. I thought he was going to lose his arm. He attended IOP, individual therapy, and saw a doctor for Suboxone. After 87 days of sobriety, he relapsed. Now I just don't know if he is working his program or not. I'm just so tired. He called me on Sunday and we spent a couple of hours together, did something fun, ate dinner, but I just don't know if he is or isn't sober. I decided to try an enjoy being with him rather than analyze him. It's hard to love a child and see that they are hurting themselves. Please keep coming back. There's always someone here that can relate to what you are feeling. Hugs.

Twofish

Hi Jend, Do you feel alittle better, not so alone? Well you're in the moms club now. Ask away any questions and someone is bound to give you their take on it. Please take care of yourself, eat, drink plenty of fluids and get rest. Ya, it's 3am what am I doing up? Try to go to a NAanon meeting, any meeting, get that face to face support, that helped me sooo much. Do it even if your child Is in denial and refuses sobriety. The tools you will learn will come in handy some day, even today! Take care, you're a good momma, you didn't cause this ,can't control this and most importantly (to me at least) you can't fix this! TF

Jend719

I am so beyond grateful for all you. I do feel a little better knowing that you all are here and so very supportive. It's a great comfort. I thought NA meetings were just for the addict? She tried that route this last time and met the person who taught her how to shoot it. She missed court so I am praying that they issued a warrant and not another adjournment.
I just want my life back, my marriage back, the same old problems back. This changes who you are and how you look at things. I don't have patience for anyone's petty complaints about life. I look at them and think you have no idea how lucky you are that you are not me right now. Or when they tell you how wonderful their kids are doing in college or graduating college and then ask how my kids are. What are they doing? So I tend to isolate. I do not want to have to explain to anyone.

Twofish

Dear Jend, I am with ya girl! My oldest will graduate college, but on Methadone. These other people who judge, they have secrets, they hide things, I'm not sure there is a perfect child anymore, with the drinking and drug use going on, seems like no kids escape. Just ignore these people. When they complain about petty things, leave it at their problem, too bad your child got an A-, better luck next time. Don't take their bait, or your daughters for that matter. I'm sorry to hear about the NA meeting that your daughter learned how to inject H! Not all meeting are like that, the parents of addicts meeting that I attend(part of after care) is so helpful to me and I don't think that it's a closed meeting, one couple I sat next to last Tuesday night, his sister refused IOP, they knew it, but they were welcomed kindly to the meeting, none of us minded. I would ask around at alanon, NA alon and others, the parents, the normie s, moms and dads, if they think the meetings are safe. I have heard from recovering addicts that drug activity does happen, but not at every meeting and if the addicts doesn't desire sobriety, going to these meetings by your child is for looks only. Give it another chance. And YOU go, even if she doesn't go, I was frightened at first, but once that face to face support was sunk in I now look forward to the meetings. So she missed her court date? That's not good, that's not very tolerated in most places. She will regret that decision, better have been in the hospital, or some other reasonable excuse. One of my girls missed a court hearing, they were not happy, but she was in the hospital after attempting a suicide attempt, a hanging, we had to have the hospital write a letter, all this trouble for a disorderly conduct charge relating to drug withdrawal. What a nightmarish roller coaster. Well, you gotta let go, let her figure this out, she's the one who skipped out of her court hearing, not you, right? Again, the support, stories and lots of mommas, are here for you. Do something for you today, love yourself and family. Talk to your husband share with him some of the stories here on SR, you deserve happiness and a stable marriage, don't let addiction take that away too. Hugs, TF

lizwig

Good morning, NA meetings are for recovering addicts. Nar-anon is for family and loved ones. And yes, if someone isn't quite ready to give things up you they can possibly meet someone else who shares their addiction there....but, In my experience, you will find good solid recovery in the rooms of both N.A. and AA. Nar-anon.meetings are harder to find so you can substitute Al-anon if you need to.

I also struggle with trying not to compare out with others whose kids seem to have their life together. I try to remember this is what they want to project to the world. I think about how long I hid my son's addiction, mostly due to misplaced shame, and consider perhaps they are doing the same thing. We are all human. No one's life is perfect....their life lessons may come when they least expect it. I don't engage much, try to keep things light and am now comfortable with saying "he is struggling" if asked directly. If it's someone who I think has no business about my life I just redirect with a question to them...it seems to work.

Tinks65

Jend, Welcome, you have come to a safe place full of love, strength, and hope. I don't think any of us can forget that moment when we came face to face with the reality of our loved ones addiction. That is the first and probably most painful step. We are walking a broken road full of twists and turns but the good part is that we don't walk alone. Here there is always someone available to offer a cyber hug and very often a bit of wisdom to help you along when the days get long and don't make sense.

I too want to encourage you to find a NarAnon or AlAnon meeting. I go to one every Monday night and can tell you that it has been a source of great strength for me. There have been times when I just needed to sit, to be with others who knew my pain. The total strangers who so quickly became friends lifted a bit of my burden onto their shoulders for that hour. I will never forget the first time I was able to offer an ear to hear the pain of another mom and offer her my strength and encouragement. She looked at me with tear filled eyes and thanked me for sharing my story and giving her hope. I told her that the sharing helped me every bit as much for in the telling it gave purpose to my and my sons pain.

Keep coming back, read, post,..... there is hope.

Twofish

Yup Jend, Remember We have hope for you, now you get yourself some hope, some peace. Can ya let it go for just a day? Regroup your weary mind and make a plan? Get that husband of yours, Mr. Jend, to help you form a plan to do if your daughter tries to lie or manipulate both of you? Could bring the lines of communication and some togetherness back into your marriage. Addiction sure damaged my marriage, but ya know, we are still together, not divorced. We still are a team. Keep warm today! TF

pravchaw

Jen, So sorry for what you are going through. I am part of the "club". I am a dad of a 21 yo son, who has been struggling with addiction for the last 3+ years (possibly more which I don't know). He has been (I think) sober for a week and started on an out patient program.

Is she willing to go into treatment? I understand there are many free programs as well like Salvation Army etc?

EJG123

Jend-
Figuring out what to say gets easier over time. Close family usually don't ask. They know I will let them know if there is good news. Others who know my D, but not well, are told that she is living on her own. If they press me on it, I tell them "Oh, I just can't go there" with a shake of my head and then I change the subject. I don't feel like it is my job to broadcast her woes anyway. Over time, people will tend to ask less as your kids become adults because they don't expect you to know everything going on in the lives of your grown offspring. Eventually, your kid has to carry his/her own baggage and you get to be just you again carrying yours.

As for people who complain about normal problems with their kids, I take it as a reminder that my D was pretty normal once too and I understand their concerns. I'm actually glad to be included in those conversations because it makes me feel more normal than being excluded because someone might think I'd consider their problems relatively petty compared to mine. To an extent, I'm grateful for the perspectives that I have from dealing with my AD. I'm a stronger person for it.

You're going to be okay too. SR is a a good place for support and encouragement.

bookreader

Jend - welcome to the club you never expected to join -
but take heart that this club will always be here for you.
No one knows our living hell unless they also have an addicted child.
The first Al-Anon meeting I went to was mostly parents of addicted kids and the relief of being able to talk with people who understood and did not judge - well, the relief was overwhelming - I cried and cried.
Honestly though, getting from a life of "living hell" to the serenity some SR members have takes a lot of work - I certainly am not there yet.... but do get a little closer with every visit here.
b.

allthatsgood

Jend719 - another mom here of a RAS who doc was also heroin. You have found a wonderful place here at SR. So many caring people with much knowledge and wisdom to share. Never feel afraid to ask a question or share your feelings. You will learn much here.

GardenMama

Me, too...mother of a RAD (heroin). Rocked my world, and still does some days. You are in a safe place among loving friends. Trust your instincts. I came here when I needed advice about whether to let my girl come home to live after a short rehab...it has been a healing and invaluable place for understanding, insight and wisdom.

What are you going to do for yourself today?

Jend719

What is RAS or RAD (I assume addicted son, daughter but I can't figure out the R).

I never expected such an outpouring of loving support like I've received here. I went to a few al-anon meetings when I first found out about her drug use. I remember trying to speak and I was shaking like a leaf and could barely get the words out. I guess I will have to go to some more again. I have started going to back to church. I felt abandoned for a long time. When I finally realized that I have no control, and just surrendered it to God, I felt it in my heart to go back to church.
I found out the the judge did issue a warrant. I'm happy about that. I guess he took my letter seriously. I don't really know how that works if she is picked up and arrested. How long would they keep her? My brother in law wants to pick her up today and bring her to his house in the next county. I know he means well. I'm nervous that she may steal from him or go into severe withdrawal. At least I will know where she is.
My 13 yo is struggling with her emotions. Last night she was crying because she is worried that her sister is going to die. Very hard conversation to have with her. She is the youngest. My son is 21, still lives here unfortunately. He is a heavy pot smoker. At one point I found he was selling and stashing it here. My dog came running up to me with a glass pipe packed with weed in his mouth. My husband went nuts on him. . I believe he may be doing other things as well. I don't know for sure. He has no ambition, works part time and just getting by under the radar. My 13 yo feels soo pressured to be the good one, keep her grades up, do the right thing etc. Even when she would like to be a normal kid and not care about that upcoming test or something, she feels so much pressure. She feels guilty for being so angry at her and screaming at her. She is so defensive of me when she hears my daughter say those manipulating, nasty things to me. I explained to her that it's not her sis saying that to her its the drug. It doesn't really hurt anymore when she says those things. Well, I guess it just hurts less and less each time.