My daughter is a heroin addict-there I said it!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Jumping back towards the start . . . .
May want to consider that the BPD is the "real" problem and the addiction(s) are just various self-medication for that.
dunno if you have much background, but if not, this is a good place to start >>>
Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners
They have a "Parents of" section, as well.
Best to you.
May want to consider that the BPD is the "real" problem and the addiction(s) are just various self-medication for that.
dunno if you have much background, but if not, this is a good place to start >>>
Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners
They have a "Parents of" section, as well.
Best to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 117
Jend, I also had a family heirloom stolen from me. I told the addict there would be no consequences but I just really wanted it back. Of course, he held to his story that he never took it. I tried to get the police involved but I guess they have bigger things to worry about. I'm very sorry you are dealing with all of this!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Mr. Hammer, With most respect to you, I have been hearing about the BPD so often in meetings. It's the latest cure for the addiction out there. Mental illness being blamed for a mental illness. It's giving a lot of moms this false sense of hope that blaming BPD or Bipolar on why their loved ones have become addicts seems so sad to me. There may be a connection to each illness, but IMO one doesn't necessarily cause the other. I have seen many kids get sober only to have their psychiatrists put them on strong medications to maintain their sobriety. Just my observation, it has happened to 1 of my ADs. BTW....how is Mrs. hammer these days? TF
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Indiana, IL
Posts: 424
twofish, I think it may be the chicken or egg thing? I think a good doctor can help the struggling addict. As long as it is the proper diagnoses. Certainly an antidepressant is safer than booze or heroin? I've also seen crimes being excused because of addiction. It hurts to say but I believe my son was anti-social even before he started the hard drugs.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Dear Mr. Hammer, With most respect to you, I have been hearing about the BPD so often in meetings. It's the latest cure for the addiction out there. Mental illness being blamed for a mental illness. It's giving a lot of moms this false sense of hope that blaming BPD or Bipolar on why their loved ones have become addicts seems so sad to me. There may be a connection to each illness, but IMO one doesn't necessarily cause the other. I have seen many kids get sober only to have their psychiatrists put them on strong medications to maintain their sobriety. Just my observation, it has happened to 1 of my ADs. BTW....how is Mrs. hammer these days? TF
As far as the OP, the daughter fits the profile and from what I think was indicated in the first post, she actually has the diagnosis? Is that correct? BPD is just about anything BUT a cure or sense of hope, false or otherwise. All you have to do is hit that bpdfamily website to observe that.
It now appears to be driven by a dysfunctioning portion of the brain, called the Amygdala. For anyone with more or deeper interest, search Hyperactive Amygdala. Many of the other Personality Disorders that are often associated with Chronic Addiction also seem to be centered around this area, as well.
While simple addictions -- alcohol, drugs or otherwise -- do have some some hope and cures, BPD at this point does not. Mood stabilizers may help some but do not actually cure it. There are some therapies, such as DBT that have some success, but it takes a very motivated individual to do that work.
As far as Mrs. Hammer, I now understand what I was told in my first Alanon meeting -- "[Hammer], [Mrs. Hammer] is not your problem." I am good with that, now. I am working my program, and hope she does well in her program. Oddly enough she is now working in Addiction Counseling with Chronic Long Term Addicts, most of whom have Personality Disorders, including BPD. Fight fire with fire, I suppose?
Regarding the outcomes in relation to the 12 Step / Big Book model . . . it is in there, too. Perhaps that offers some hope, which I do not see as false.
Big Book On Line - Table of Contents
============
From the opening of "How It Works," Chapter 5:
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
You are also likely correct that it showed before the Addiction(s). Typical the Personality Disorder level problems (Antisocial, among them) start to clearly foreshadow at around 8 to 11 years old.
The formal diagnosis is generally avoided until they are older for fear of "labeling" the child. Sadly that also often avoids effective early treatment. While some A's begin to self medicate that early, many do not hit into their drug of choice until mid to late teens.
Then the Addictions have to be treated before the Personality Disorder, or Brain Dysfunction can be considered.
Thank you Hammer...originally my AD was diagnosed with bipolar. It then transitioned to personality disorder NOS. He last psychiatrist and the last hospital stay agreed that she has borderline personality disorder. I have done a lot of reading and research and with the help of my own therapist, I've come to understand it much better. Borderline is extremely difficult to treat. A lot of therapist do not want to work with border lines because there is too much work involved. You are correct in that DBT is the primary form of therapy. A therapist has to be certified in it and not many are. It's a very long, in depth treatment requiring a lot of work and behavior modification on the part of the patient. The therapist acts almost as a life coach sort of on call so to speak the way a sponsor would. The patient has to be taught the basics almost like a class on DBT. All addiction needs to be dealt with first before anyone with a mental health disorder can begin to work on their mental health. It's so difficult to deal with the addict but when you add in a serious mental health diagnosis it compounds the situation 10 fold. It's not like a mood stabilizer or anti-depressant or a combo of both would just stabilize her to get her functioning unfortunately. That is why I continue to fight so hard on her behalf. There's a part of her that is unable especially right now to do that for herself. If I don't care....who will?
So I'm (cautiously) happy to report that my AD has been sober since detox on 11/1. She is still with my BIL who has her pretty much on lockdown ie: no phone, no comp, no going out. She's in the next county so she doesn't have any of her old stimulus around her. Tomorrow is the first of 3 court dates this week. She still has the warrant from town A but needs to appear in town B tomorrow and Thursday and town C on Friday. Will the warrant from town A show up tomorrow at town B when she appears? Will they be taking her away in cuffs in front of me? Will they keep her ...how long? My BIL brought her up to our house on Fri. She looked good. Yesterday he said she's getting "antsy" to go go out and bored. I should be thrilled that she is clean. I'm afraid to get my hopes up though. I've seen this happen each time. She's great at first. Her eyes are bright again, she talks like the child I remember, she has good intentions. You can only "babysit" for so long. Once she regains some priveledges back....she creeps into that world again. Lies, lies and more lies. My trust for her is soo beyond broken. My husband said the other night that after she clears up this court stuff he wants her to come home. That scares the living crap out of me. She would be back in this town with all of the temptation again. She has never, ever been able to keep a job. Then she'll say things like...well NA tells you not to make any changes the first year. They also say don't get into a relationship ...especially one with another addict from the meetings! She picks and chooses which rules to follow. I'm having a lot of anxiety about what is going to happen tomorrow.
The other thing is that we are invited to go to Florida to be with my husbands family for Christmas.there is family coming from France that my husband has never met. My 13 yo and I went there over the summer to meet the cousin who is her age who came to Florida to meet us. My 13yo has been sky ping with him for almost a year. They love each other and hit it off great. My husbands aunt is very spiritual. I had a fabulous time with her.she feeds my soul and I was able to come home in a much better place even in the midst of the chaos. AD had gotten arrested while we were there. My 13yo is dieing to go. I really want to go. It would mean leaving my AD behind and also my son 21 yo. He is also not on the right path. Heavy pot smoker, no ambition, no desire to get a "real" job because he might have to take a drug test. Last year my son and my AD sold the precious gifts we got them (iPad minis). Christmas here would just be us, me shopping, wrapping, cooking, cleaning it all up by myself. Do you think it's ok to leave them behind? My husband feels bad because his mother was NEVER home on Christmas and doesn't want them to feel that they have nowhere to go. I explained to him this is not the same situation. We have catered to them forever. Our 13 yo is the one that needs attention right now. Maybe it's a good thing if they ,it's us and see how their actions and decisions might cause them to be uncomfortable. Am I being selfish?
I'm sorry this is so long. Haven't posted in a awhile.
The other thing is that we are invited to go to Florida to be with my husbands family for Christmas.there is family coming from France that my husband has never met. My 13 yo and I went there over the summer to meet the cousin who is her age who came to Florida to meet us. My 13yo has been sky ping with him for almost a year. They love each other and hit it off great. My husbands aunt is very spiritual. I had a fabulous time with her.she feeds my soul and I was able to come home in a much better place even in the midst of the chaos. AD had gotten arrested while we were there. My 13yo is dieing to go. I really want to go. It would mean leaving my AD behind and also my son 21 yo. He is also not on the right path. Heavy pot smoker, no ambition, no desire to get a "real" job because he might have to take a drug test. Last year my son and my AD sold the precious gifts we got them (iPad minis). Christmas here would just be us, me shopping, wrapping, cooking, cleaning it all up by myself. Do you think it's ok to leave them behind? My husband feels bad because his mother was NEVER home on Christmas and doesn't want them to feel that they have nowhere to go. I explained to him this is not the same situation. We have catered to them forever. Our 13 yo is the one that needs attention right now. Maybe it's a good thing if they ,it's us and see how their actions and decisions might cause them to be uncomfortable. Am I being selfish?
I'm sorry this is so long. Haven't posted in a awhile.
No you're not being selfish, you are thinking healthy!!!
In the last year of our RAD's active addiction, we decided no more. If she relapses, she's not welcome to participate in any holiday traditions. She ruined them for three straight years and it left a scar on our hearts. No more abuse!
In the last year of our RAD's active addiction, we decided no more. If she relapses, she's not welcome to participate in any holiday traditions. She ruined them for three straight years and it left a scar on our hearts. No more abuse!
Your post could have been mine 6 years ago.
I nearly bankrupted myself emotionally, physically and financially trying to save my daughter. I credit this forum with saving my life and sanity. Eventually, I chose to save myself.
Surrendering to the knowledge I had no control, not even influence, over her outcome was by far the most challenging and painful thing I have encountered.
I'll never know all the details. As best as I can figure, everyone my daughter knew who was into heroin had either died or went to prison. I think it was her turning point.
Fast forward to right now, I have a wonderful 3 year old granddaughter and SIL. She/they are self sustaining. She's a wonderful mother. She jokes how I know more about addiction, especially heroin addiction, than she ever did. And she's right.
I am acutely aware that she will always be one lousy decision away from a relapse, no different than I am into my own codependency.
The serenity prayer has been and continues to be my mantra.
I nearly bankrupted myself emotionally, physically and financially trying to save my daughter. I credit this forum with saving my life and sanity. Eventually, I chose to save myself.
Surrendering to the knowledge I had no control, not even influence, over her outcome was by far the most challenging and painful thing I have encountered.
I'll never know all the details. As best as I can figure, everyone my daughter knew who was into heroin had either died or went to prison. I think it was her turning point.
Fast forward to right now, I have a wonderful 3 year old granddaughter and SIL. She/they are self sustaining. She's a wonderful mother. She jokes how I know more about addiction, especially heroin addiction, than she ever did. And she's right.
I am acutely aware that she will always be one lousy decision away from a relapse, no different than I am into my own codependency.
The serenity prayer has been and continues to be my mantra.
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