LovesToTravel

Oh the lies they tell. I am another heartsick mom. We are the only ones who can truly understand, I believe. Hugs, prayers and strenth to all.

Jend719

Twofish...I just read your WHOLE story..all 15 pgs lol. We truly have so much in common. My heart goes out to you because I know that you truly understand the pain and turmoil I am in mentally, emotionally, and physically.
My AD is asking my BIL to bring her clothes to the hospital. He stalled last night. I think he is bringing them today. I don't feel very confident about her detox and her sobriety. I don't see her heart being in it. I've been so very disappointed before when she sobers up and goes back to the heroin. Each time she sinks deeper and deeper. I know that after the addict detoxes they are at the highest risk of overdosing when they first use again because their tolerance is lowered. I think she is just waiting to get out to go get that free bundle.

The hosp said that the inpatient rehabs won't take her because she has an active warrant. That they feel they would be harboring someone. Doesn't the hospital have a legal obligation to report her? I understand the whole HIPAA bullsh*t but there has to be certain circumstances where that does not apply.
My therapist and I discussed this and she was not sure. We also discussed me reporting her location to the police. I'm not sure what I should do. I appreciate and look forward to your responses. I'm lost.

lizwig

Hi Jend, to answer your question...The hospital has no way of knowing who has warrants and who doesn't. The hospital is in the business of providing healthcare. Trust me...they don't want to be involved in people's legal battles. Our hospital won't even call the police if someone they are planning to arrest is discharged. Our stance is we won't babysit for them. If they are a threat to others put an officer outside their doors and arrest prior to discharge but do not involve our staff. Hope this helps. Hang in there...I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. Big hug.

Jend719

I just thought that since the hospital was made aware that she has a warrant, now that they know, aren't they obligated to call police? I guess not. I'm so frustrated. I'm scared because tomorrow she will be discharged to my BIL who is in way over his head at this point. There's no plan! Every other time there was at least some sort of plan, some sort of support services, outpt groups etc. although it still fell apart, but how will this even work without anything in place? It just takes getting bored for a second or feeling something she doesn't want to feel and BAM....she's out the door. The phone....does he give it back or hang on to it? If she leaves without the phone I will have no way of contacting her and her me. These guys she stays around with rape her when she passes out. They will not give a sh$t when she overdoses ...they will leave her for dead, assuming that she is dead. Or dump her somewhere and I will never find her. Now I'm crying again.im so scared .

Txhelp

I know it hard....you cant save her. This isn't for anyone to control but her.

The phone is her way to score her drugs. She probably doesn't worry about contacting u unless its asking for something. I would keep the phone and let the police know where she is...

Pain is a motivator for change. Some take their time slowly. I have been where you are....trying to figure out the line of support and enabling.

Let her fall. If she uses drugs at the BIL he should promptly kick her out. Have a list of shelters and help ready to give her.

lizwig

Is she willing to go for any type of treatment? If she is voluntarily willing then possibly social and health services could help line something up. Provide some resources.... If she isn't there isn't much you can do. I cancelled my son's phone as he relapsed and told me he had no intention of quitting this time and wanted nothing from us. It was by far one of the most anxiety provoking decisions I have made this far...but....after sitting with that discomfort a bit I realized he can find the $$ for drugs, he can find the $$ for a phone. It isn't my job to facilitate his communication with dealers and such. Although there are definitely times when I get anxious not hearing from him I've also noticed my life is more serene. He does still manage to get in touch with me but he still isn't ready for change...I feel like by removing the phone from the equation it removed the daily emotional bombs from my life. I trust if something is serious I will receive a call. I also trust when he is ready for help he will get in touch with me. I should mention that although my son and I aren't Facebook friends we do communicate occasionally through private Facebook messages. And the funny thing about that is you can see it say "on mobile"....So...I believe he has a phone...he's just not using it to call me. Hang in there...try to keep in mind she needs to be motivated for change...regardless of how much we want it for them. I really feel for you....

pravchaw

Why can't you (or BIL) call the police if there is a warrant out for her. In some places you may be able to to place an "involuntary psychiatric hold" on her. You may want to consult a social worker to get some help.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/5150_(i...ychiatric_hold)

PresentTense

You have found a safe haven with a lot of understanding parents in various stages of their son's and daughter's addictions and/or recoveries.
I am also the mom of a RAD (recovering addict daughter). She was on heroin and meth and most anything else she could find to take for many years.

She found a serious inpatient recovery program that she has been a part of for six months. When she was ready to change her life, she did. Permanently, I hope, but I don't have any control over that.

We all have a bottom and hers was pretty low. Mine was too but I am glad I got there because if I had kept taking care of her the way I wanted to, the way I felt like I should as a Mom, providing food, shelter, medical, etc., she never would have found her way to rehab and a better life.

Hang in there and post and read to your heart's content here. This site is and has been a lifesaver for me. Truly there are people here who understand....

Jend719

I cannot get her into an inpatient rehab anymore. Our insurance company has said they are done. She has had 3 opportunities. My only hope for right now is jail. It is with such a heavy heart that I say that. I think that is the only place where she will start to get the help she needs. I can't put her on a psych hold. We've been down that road before. Their rules are strict and she knows what to do and say to convince them that she is fine. I just finished writing another letter to both judges. If i do have to have her arrested, my hope is that they will see my letter first and know exactly what is going on.

Aiko

I am ever so sorry...
It must be very hard...

Do what you can to help her AFTER that the rest is up to her...
but do not destroy your life expecting her to change...
She is taking her own decisions...

Change comes when one wants.... not when the loved ones want..

Live your like fully and help her but do not destroy your life...
When she is ready she knows you are there....
Make sure she know that you are there when she wants to Stop!!!!
Tell her!

Hope she Recovers...!!!!

Twofish

Hi Jend, I'm so sorry these things are happening to you and your daughter. The pain must be unbearable to your heart. You have done what you can, more than you can. All you can do now is love her and let God take over. When she is ready and wants her sobriety back she will let you and herself know. Life goes on, take care of yourself. Don't let obsession and guilt take over. Try to go on with like, keep reading, posting and know that the SR mommas care about you, TF

Jend719

My Ad was released from detox to my BIL yesterday. I'm just not feeling very confident this time at all. I feel bad for feeling that way. But I don't want to get my hopes up. I also know that without any support services in place it will sadly fall apart quickly. She has court coming up. I'm sure she will be going to jail. I don't know for how long. I made an appointment to go talk to the pastor at my church. I've never done that before. It can't hurt right? Last night the drug dealers mother called my house looking for her money from the bad check. Apparently the drug dealer cashed it through his mothers account. She was kind of demanding so I put my husband on the phone. She ended up hanging up on him. This is soo crazy. My husband flipped. Saying all the damage that my AD has caused and continues to cause. He fears he will end up doing something that could put him in jail trying to protect me and my 13yo.its just such a whirlwind. It's one sh#t storm after another. Should I go to the police with this dealers info. He's not that bright obviously. Called me the other day and spelled out his last name for me and gave me his cell. My husband was yelling at his mother last night saying why would you take a check from a drug addict? And your son gave her the freaking drugs. She's like "what drugs?" ..............O.M.G!!! Reaaaaaaallllllllly??????

Twofish

Oh Jend, This is such a crazy mixed up world of drug addiction. The stupidity of some dealers, to take a check for drugs, OMG what a paper trail. At least this dealers mom is now aware of the situation, this dealer must be kinda young. My ADs dealer was 20 yr old, been thru the treatments, court troubles and family issues. He's part of this vicious circle that keep going around and around until the A yells STOP I want to get off, that's the second the person will accept support to become sober. Sounds like the drug dealer is in a bind with addiction too, addicted to the drug he is selling to help pay for his own habit.. What should you do? That's a hard one, to report this dealer sounds ok and I would, but the bigger issue is your child. Will she at least go to a meeting? Someone needs to keep an eye on her, will your BIL do this? We took our eyes off our AD temporarily, she hit this rock bottom and attempted suicide. It was the worst day of my life, the thought of losing my girl. I find it so hard to believe that nothing can be done? Maybe it's time to let go. Talking to my pastor did help me, not with"scripture" help but with face to face support, that I'm not alone, just being able to talk to someone I trust, cry freely, let my emotions pour out, settled me down. But your child, that BIL needs to step up to the plate and help, do more than just enable her, can he take her to a meeting?? This is a tough one, addiction has so many twists and bends in the road, no wonder so many people end up relapsing ...So sad for you, caught in an impossible situation. The BIL should just call the authorities, voluntarily have her turn herself in, maybe then she will wake up and desire sobriety. Jail is a hard place to w/d at. They may see the seriousness of her sickness and take her into the hospital for detox. Tis is a long post, I don't really have much to offer you except that I care and support you. Moms always seem to get the raw deal in any drug related, situation, again take care of yourself, ask God to take over, who's side is this BIL on anyway? He may be the lifeline to throw to your daughter, a lifeline of hope for sobriety, your I'm my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry you have to go thru this.. TF

Taradice

I am sorry that you are going through this turmoil with your daughter. I was addicted to cocaine and opiates and for the past 2 years I have been on the methadone program because iwas shooting 2 red morphine or more in a day. Unfortunately your daughyer needs to be the one to make that first step in quitting. You seem to be doing all the right things and honestly I know my mom prayed for me to be thrown in jail for awhile to get my stuff together. I know its difficult to turn your back at this time but you Dont want to enable her in any way. And believe me when I say if you give her an inch she will go several miles. The methadone works really well for me. Over the 2 years I have been on it, I have also been going down on my dose every doctor vistit. I am able to work as it doesn't make me high, it just makes it so I Dont get sick. You should read a little about it.

Kindeyes

I'm always hesitant to say "welcome".........but I am glad you found us. As you can see, there's lots of support here on SR.

Addiction is a family disease and you can almost watch the wildfire spread to all of the family members.

I had to stop the spread of the disease (my son recently relapsed after 8-10 months clean) to the best of my ability......it had to start with me......because I was a conduit for the spread of the insanity that accompanies addiction.

Stick around......there are varying methods and tools for coping with the addiction of a loved one. Find the one that fits you.

I went through therapy as well as getting very involved in Nar-Anon (Al-Anon is a good substitute of there are no Nar-Anon meetings nearby). I dedicated myself to working the program that I wished my son would work. And it did work......for me. I'm a particularly slow learner (lol) but I do find that I have the ability to find peace whether my son continues to use.....or not. I also volunteer at the Salvation Army Adult Rehab Center. It is rewarding.....sometimes heartbreaking.......but I love it.

As you can see......you are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

lizwig

I'm sorry you are being contacted by your daughter's dealer and family! For some reason I'm hearing banjo music....come on people!! This woman has to know what is going on. I think I would call her bluff. You didn't write the check to her. It's not up to you who they choose to do business with. What a bunch of numbskulls! You could file for a protection order, or tell her one more phone call to you, your daughter, your husband you will take further steps, harrassment charges etc. I would also begin documenting everything in case you need it in the future. I don't have the patience for that type of nonsense. In the meantime...take a deep breath, send up positive thoughts that if this is the time for your daughter to embrace sobriety that the right people be put in her path, that the strength she needs is given to her daily, and that any efforts you make on her behalf are used for the greater good. And then hand it over. Do something loving towards yourself today. Sending you strength today.

hopeful4

I am so sorry you are going through this. Part of the program I go to, Celebrate Recovery has testimonies of people who have went through different issues. It has always amazed me that the ones who were successful at beating addiction were the ones who went to jail for a bit of time. Some of those people have come out on the other side not only in charge of their own sobriety but helping others gain it also. It amazes me all the time. I say this to give you some hope. While jail seems like an overwhelming thing, it may be just what she needs to get her to where she needs to be.

My thoughts and prayers are with you! Hugs!

Jend719

I agree wholeheartedly that she needs to go to jail. My BIL and his gf have been taking her to meetings. She's in the next county so right now she is in a whole new environment with no contact with the people she used to use with. She has 2 court dates next week. I would imagine that she will get locked up due to the warrant. If she doesn't show up, she will be issued more warrants which will not look good for her at all.

There's been this issue that all of her clothes and her (expensive) guitar were still at the bf's house. She has his phone still which the father wants back. I spoke to the father yesterday about picking up her clothes. I got an earful! Apparently he kicked them both out twice! They were living in the bf's car! Why were they kicked out you ask?...... He has receipts from the pawn shops of my daughter pawning all of his rings and jewelry! He said they were like Romeo &juliette the first 3 weeks. Then his son went to the dentist and they gave him oxy and it all went down hill from there. He said they were stealing everything and that he even found his daughters clarinet in the car.... Aha! The infamous clarinet she came here to sell me to pay her "court fee". He did not press charges on my daughter. Why ...I have no idea. Still trying to protect them I guess. Although that's not helping in my eyes.
I asked my BIL what's going on ...when is her next court date? His response was "yea I don't know what were gonna do about all that"
Ummm helloooo...there is no debating. She HAS to go to court! She has to face the consequences for the things she has done. I've tried so hard writing letters to the judges so that they will detain her so she can get long term help. I'm angry because I feel like he's trying to protect her. His intentions are good but I've been dealing with this from day 1. I know best what needs to happen. I'm so frustrated with everyone and everything! He wants me to drive down and bring her clothes and her guitar. She will probably be in jail next week. What's the point? So she can be comfortable and dress up and look pretty at the meetings where she meets new addicts? Funny though, of all the things she's stolen from everyone and pawned...she never sold her precious guitar. She gave her drug dealer a religious charm that my mother sent her (before she knew she was still on drugs). It belonged to my grandmother. She was wearing it when she died. It meant so much to my grandmother. Even in a coma we had to put it on her wrist with a rubber band because she did not want to be without it. Now it's gone! Some lowlife probably melted it down for 20 bucks. I hate this disease!

hopeful4

I am so sorry! I am glad you can see she has to go to jail. No matter how much he tries to protect her, with that sort of behavior and warrants, it will catch up to her and she will go to jail. For how long? Who knows. That is where hopefully your letters will come in handy to the judges. I know when my AH was in trouble the probation department was certainly interested in what I had to say and what I think about all of this. Hopefully the judge will keep in mind what you say also.

Hugs to you. May you have strength and peace in your life very soon.

Twofish

Dear Jend, I wish my heart could absorb some of this debilitating pain you are being forced to feel, but my heart is quite full of pain at the moment. It goes back and forth with my 19yr old AD. Some days are really good others are full of her manipulations, name calling and just plain fright of the sober world. She has major trust issues with me in particular, she thinks I'm lying to her most of the time(this breaks my heart, I gave her my all to protect her) I worked very closely with the DA when my daughter didn't show up for court, he's a very busy man but he took the time, sat with me let me get it all out, but he understands the drug epidemic, he gave her another shot, with strings and conditions, and she never spend any time in jail. Sometimes what DAs ask and demand of the addict, is mandatory inpt drug therapy. I don't know who pays for it and I question the forcing of an addict to undergo treatment against their will, but it's just a suggestion that worked for my child. Your daughter is going to meetings, that's a positive thing, might be the gateway to inpt therapy? I also wrote plenty of letter to the DA. One question about the BIL, is he helping or enabling her? Detoxing in jail sounds horrible vs detoxing in a rehab center or hospital. Jend I feel for you, we have very similar situations, except I didn't have a BIL trying to help a situation that he may be hurting . I just don't know. If he is taking charge, have the BIL come get the clothes and guitar. As far as the family heirloom goes, it might still be sitting at the Pawn shop. If you could get it out of her what she did with it (tell her no punishment will be involved) you may still be able to retrieve or buy it. It's a long shot, but what if you FOUND it? What a wonderful day that would be! Take care hugs from this mom to another mom! TF