AntikBazaar

My husband's brother has been living with us for a couple of months. He has had drug problems for decades, but he had been clean for over six months when he moved in, so I felt fairly comfortable agreeing to it.

Yesterday I found out that he brought cocaine into our house and used it. I'm livid. I tore a strip off him and told him that if it happened again, I wasn't just kicking him out, I'd be calling the police. He didn't want to tell his sponsor or his parents what had happened, and he said he "couldn't see" going and getting a white keytag and starting all over. However, I insisted that I would allow a recovering addict in my house, but not a drug addict, and that hiding a "slip" didn't sound much like recovery to me. I'm pretty sure he called his sponsor and told him after our conversation, and he's out at a meeting right now, so I hope that things will get back on track quickly and I can trust him again.

Now that I'm calmed down I feel a bit embarrassed but also terribly confused. How do I protect my family? How can I help my brother-in-law? What kind of message does it send my teenage son if I allow someone to keep living here after this kind of situation? Did I go too far, or did I not go far enough?

I found my closest Nar-Anon meeting and my husband and I are going to go on Monday evening, but that's days away and feels like an eternity. I've found some good resources here on the site already and I will keep reading, but if anyone has comments on my specific circumstance and immediate tips for things to do or avoid, I've love to hear it. I'm particularly worried about danger signs I should look for to know if things are deteriorating.

suki44883

I think you spelled it out pretty clearly. As long as you stick to what you said, it will be okay for your family. What happens with the bother-in-law is up to him.

Eve13

More questions than answers. You don't need to answer these in the forum, but hopefully thinking about your answers will give more guidance.
What is your husband's stand on substance abuse in the home? How did he react to his brother using under his/your roof?
Is BIL paying rent? Working? Why is he there? How do you know this is the first relapse? It is the first time he's been caught. And his wanting to lie and cover it up is significant, at least how it reads.
How will you be able to trust him again - weekly drug testing?

atalose

The danger sign is the fact he used cocaine and he used it in your home. His history is decades of drug abuse with only a mere 6 months clean, and since he used - that clock gets reset back to maybe 1 or 2 days if that was actually the first time in 6 months.

Right now he has learned is that he used drugs in your home and he still have a place to stay and people who will keep his secret. Do you know for a fact he contacted his sponsor and actually went to a meeting?

You shouldn't let the fact that you want to help him and keep him clean on your watch get in the way of consequences for his bad behavior. Its your house, your rules and he's already broken them...............hes an addict with decades of lying and manipulating people, he's already used with less then 6 months under his belt.....he hasn't earned the benefit of the doubt YET.

Educate yourself on addiction and more importantly on addict behavior. Your priority is your very impressionable son and keeping drugs out of your house, period.

Ann

For me, I could not live in the problem (my son's addiction) and the solution (my own recovery) at the same time. It simply was not possible.

You did well setting your boundary and stating your case. My thought are that it is now time for BIL to be finding another place to live. He has outstayed his welcome at your place, he did that the moment he used in your home.

Good luck, I know how hard this all is.

Hugs

AntikBazaar

Thanks for the questions Eve, they really help. I will answer them here as well as having thought about them last night.

My husband's initial response was that the rules hadn't been established, but that now they have been, and that he will be angry and forcing the eviction if it happens again. His reaction was to accept the apology and promise, and move on. So now I'm waiting to see if my husband's actions suit his words in the future as well, which is awkward.
BIL is not paying rent. From the reading I've been doing here that is a mistake we made, that we will remedy immediately.
He doesn't currently work. He is on welfare. He's here because he had been living with a girlfriend who was also recovering, but lapsed and started using again. We agreed with him that it wasn't a good situation for his recovery, so he came here from there.
I don't know for sure that it is his first relapse. I believe that it is the first since he moved in with us, but of course I know I could be wrong. I didn't hear him on the phone with his sponsor or parents, but he was visibly upset afterwards. The time he left and arrived home from his meeting was the same as usual, for what that's worth. Believe me I will be looking for departures from his routine!
I don't know what to think about trusting him. I don't want to be the "gatekeeper" for his behaviour, if that makes any sense. I want him to use or not use for his own benefit, not mine. This is all so new to me that I don't even know what to look for to know whether he's using or not.

AntikBazaar

I haven't quoted you in your entirety, atalose, but I agree 100%. What message did I *really* send with my anger? I think my actions say that the consequences are just a lecture from me.

I was horrified when I realized that on the day this happened, Thursday, my son would normally be home alone between school and us getting home. Fortunately he was elsewhere working on a school project, but when I think of him being here alone with someone under the influence of drugs, it makes me feel dizzy. I think there has to be a new rule that BIL and my son can't be alone in the house, which is going to be awkward since BIL isn't working.

AntikBazaar

Thanks so much, Ann. This is what I'm starting to learn about. I am reading about co-dependency on the site this morning, and I'm not sure where I fit into this. My involvement until now has been some vague expressions of support and a few intellectual questions about the steps and how they work. I think I'm fortunate that I'm recognizing the steep slope of getting involved, so that I can pull back before I get sucked in. His recovery is his business, and any urge to "help" I have is fundamentally selfish on my end. It's valid for me to be decide that I don't want his recovery happening under my roof, because it's liable to be a messy process and I didn't sign up for that. Not charging rent was a mistake we made, because we are enabling him through that.

As a side note, I work with children, and I wonder what this might mean for my professional accreditation if I allowed an illegal activity in my house, which is what this boils down to at the moment.

I called the police this morning (the non-emergency number) and asked for advice on what to do in the future. The lady on the phone was really helpful and sympathetic. We agreed that if I suspected there was an illegal substance in my house, I would call again and they would send officers to search and charge him if necessary. If there was no substance, but he was high, I would ask him to leave, and if he didn't, they would assist me in removing him.

atalose

And now here is where your lives begin to revolve around the addict and addiction. Your son now must change his routine because the addict chose to use, and that's just not fair.

Trust has been broken, trust takes a long time to rebuild - so how long will your son need to be displaced from his own home and his routine because of the addict?

AntikBazaar

My brother-in-law will have to change his routine. I have NO problem for asking for his key back and stipulating that my husband or I have to be here to let him in. We are selling our house in March and moving to a smaller place, and it was always the understanding that he had to move out before we put our house up for sale. So at least there is a time limit.

I realize that might sound like I'm disagreeing, but I'm not - I agree with you totally. You are absolutely right that our lives are now revolving around this 'situation'. Even if it's of limited time, living on 'high alert' watching his behaviour is going to be exhausting.

I don't even know how to rebuild the trust. I will keep reading the wonderful resources I'm finding here!

(This morning's update, while I'm here - he came down around 10am looking horrible. He told my husband he felt too bad to sit around the house, so he has gone out. I figure it's best for him to go out and confront his demons immediately - either he will find and go to a meeting or some recovery friends, which he doesn't normally do on Saturdays - or he will go and find some addict friends and some drugs. If it's that second thing the situation will be resolved quickly, because he will be no longer living here.)

atalose

I'm glad that there is some end date with this situation in place. But I'm guessing he'll be gone before Thanksgiving. Not trying to be negative just real.

Maybe a rule you can establish is that he must leave your home at a certain time each morning and can only return at a certain time each night. He needs to learn to live life on your terms while he is a guest in your home, if he doesn't like your rules then he can go else where.

And at any time you feel he has been using you have every right to ask him to leave.

Does he work? Does he have his own transportation?

Eve13

Antik sounds like you have a firm plan and a united front. Not an easy situation but sounds like you're doing the best you can do under the circumstances. I like the idea of him leaving at a set time in the morning and returning at a set time in the evening. Makes good sense.

AntikBazaar

Sorry to bump the thread, but I wanted to come back with an update.
The more my husband and I talked about it, the more we weren't comfortable with our actions. So on Saturday my husband asked his brother to take a week and find somewhere else to live. We're in the middle of that week now. We haven't seen him since the weekend, but that's not unusual - he has meetings he likes outside of town and often stays with a friend on weeknights.
We went to our first Nar-Anon meeting on Monday evening. It was small but extremely friendly and welcoming. I was disappointed (I'm sure every newbie says this!) that I'm not supposed to be helping him more. :-)
We'll see what happens on the weekend but I'm relieved about our plan so far. If he stayed here I'd have to be mad at him and watching his behaviour like a hawk. This way he can still be 'brother', we can still love him and accept him, but he won't be under our roof.
I keep reminding myself that when he got clean before and stayed that way for so many months, it wasn't living with us or any other family. He's a grown man and I'm not doing him any favours by treating him like a child who can't make his own decisions.
Thank you all ***SO MUCH*** for being here and responding to my message. With the support of the people here I feel like we actually handled this situation fairly well, and we know what we need to do in the future. If I don't come back soon, it's because I was helped!