Confused and lost..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11
Confused and lost..
Hey everyone. Im pretty new here and I was looking around and I found this section and thought I would tell my story here. I feel so lost and so confused right now....I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and for about 6 months he has been doing crack/coke..I had no idea untill a few months ago when he started acting different getting very angry with me and sleeping all day long then he ended up stealing my money and my locket that mother had given me. I also found out that he was trying to cheat on me and i think it was girls he was doing drugs with. I ended up leaving him for awhile but then I got a call from his mother that he went to jail for prowling and trying to break into cars..I new at that moment he really needed help else the next call was going to be that he was dead so I had to go back into his life and try to be there for him as hard as it was for me..I don't no how to turn my back on him I really do love him with all my heart and I no what a good person he was and still could be. Since I have been back with him he promised that he really hit rock bottom and would never do a single drug or cheat on me again he said that he needed me in his life and he was going to show me he was going to change and be the guy i needed..The problem is im scared hes just lying to me and manipulating me and the same stuff is going to happen again. Can you really just stop crack/coke on your own?? I want to be in his life and help him and be there for him and show him love and support I just am so scared to get hurt again and betrayed again by him. and no one understands why im back with him not my family not my friends and I just feel so alone.. im so glad I found this website because I feel you guys would understand why Im doing what im doing with him.. any advice would be wonderful. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I thought that I was totally in love with my ex boyfriend, who had a crack addiction. Crack is one of the worst addictions, and it has a sadly miserable success rate in recovery...although there are some members here on this forum who are recovering from crack addiction. It's so extremely tough to kick, and as much as I think I know about addiction and recovery...which is kind of a fair amount because I am in recovery for almost 8 years now from alcoholism and I teach spiritual recovery classes and have read every book and website about addiction and recovery and codependency...and STILL there wasn't a single blasted thing I could really do to help him...except finally get the heck out of his way and finally get back to living my life instead of obsessing over a crack addict. Which is what every person I ever spoke to told me right from the start...get out, run, get out of his way...
and I wouldn't listen, I thought I could help him.
JUST NOT TRUE
I discovered the hard way that my staying and "loving him" was just a sick and insidious way for him to think he "wasn't that bad" YET.
He used me...because that is "what an addict does"
it's just what they do.
All of the lies and betrayals and sick sad all night disappearances and anger and blame and blah blah blah...ick, never ever ever want to be in a relationship like that again...but most people who end up here at SR don't want to give up, and won't get out of a relationship until they hit bottom.
You will stay as long as you want. We are all here to help you process and vent and try to find your way. Maybe by some miraculous turn he might be the rare addict who finds recovery from crack...the crud is PURE EVIL. Even if he does find his way to recovery it will take a long time for him to get over his own anger, shame and remorse. He will throw anger and blame around at anyone close enough for it to stick.
Your heart will take a beating.
Your mind will start to doubt itself.
Your life will change more and more the longer you are around a crack addict.
I sometimes wish I would have listened when so many people told me simply to:
RUN.
I guess I needed the really painful lesson that I learned.
I pray for him now.
I am at peace now.
I pray for anyone who is affected by crack...including you.
and I wouldn't listen, I thought I could help him.
JUST NOT TRUE
I discovered the hard way that my staying and "loving him" was just a sick and insidious way for him to think he "wasn't that bad" YET.
He used me...because that is "what an addict does"
it's just what they do.
All of the lies and betrayals and sick sad all night disappearances and anger and blame and blah blah blah...ick, never ever ever want to be in a relationship like that again...but most people who end up here at SR don't want to give up, and won't get out of a relationship until they hit bottom.
You will stay as long as you want. We are all here to help you process and vent and try to find your way. Maybe by some miraculous turn he might be the rare addict who finds recovery from crack...the crud is PURE EVIL. Even if he does find his way to recovery it will take a long time for him to get over his own anger, shame and remorse. He will throw anger and blame around at anyone close enough for it to stick.
Your heart will take a beating.
Your mind will start to doubt itself.
Your life will change more and more the longer you are around a crack addict.
I sometimes wish I would have listened when so many people told me simply to:
RUN.
I guess I needed the really painful lesson that I learned.
I pray for him now.
I am at peace now.
I pray for anyone who is affected by crack...including you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
Pelly123 - The sick part about all of this... is that addicts usually believe their own lies. It's sad.. but they are incapable of keeping any sort of promise or loyalty.
I am married to an IV heroin user and he is in jail right now. It's not his first, third or sixth time. I have lost count. He has tried meetings, out patient, medication, church, 30 day in patient... but what it comes down to ... is that he was not ready. He cries in pain that he doesn't want to use anymore. It's a love/hate relationship.
I have learned to not support him (the hard way)
I have learned to not trust him (the hard way)
I am not with him to help him anymore. He will have to do that all alone. I believe that this time he is coming home, not going to use drugs until he goes into a 14 month inpatient program that he has shown excitement about.
He knows that if he chooses to not go and do this that i'm done waiting for him.
It's been 3 years that he's started any sort of recovery.
I am married to an IV heroin user and he is in jail right now. It's not his first, third or sixth time. I have lost count. He has tried meetings, out patient, medication, church, 30 day in patient... but what it comes down to ... is that he was not ready. He cries in pain that he doesn't want to use anymore. It's a love/hate relationship.
I have learned to not support him (the hard way)
I have learned to not trust him (the hard way)
I am not with him to help him anymore. He will have to do that all alone. I believe that this time he is coming home, not going to use drugs until he goes into a 14 month inpatient program that he has shown excitement about.
He knows that if he chooses to not go and do this that i'm done waiting for him.
It's been 3 years that he's started any sort of recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11
Thank you both for writing back to me. It is so hard because theres times I really do just want to run away from it all, I wish so much that I didn't care anymore and could just let go I just don't no how to let go. You think it would be easy to let go of people that are hurting you and care more about drugs then you..and for some reason its just not that easy and I cant figure out why. But you guys are right you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped I need to start accepting that and hopefully one day find the strength to let go and move on. Thank you again for writing back with your great advice.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Pelly, Just like it takes an addict (the dependent) a long time and a lot of work to navigate through the pain and confusion of addiction...it takes the co-dependent (those attached to the addict by emotions) a lot of navigating too. It took a LOT of processing for me to get to a point of letting go. Some people discover that they will not let go. It is your life and you will need to decide.
Just keep doing the work and trying to find out where you are at in life (not him).
Addiction turns everything upside down...for me it did anyway.
It turned hope into desperation, faith into denial and fantasy, loyalty into codependency and love into addiction.
It is a crazy world that we enter into when we love an addict. Look at how many treatment centers and clinics and counselors and documentaries and websites...and and and...it takes thousands and thousands of professionals with millions of dollars of research to even try to take a stab at it...who are we but women with vulnerable hearts who somehow believe that love heals all.
But it isn't true.
Just keep doing the work and trying to find out where you are at in life (not him).
Addiction turns everything upside down...for me it did anyway.
It turned hope into desperation, faith into denial and fantasy, loyalty into codependency and love into addiction.
It is a crazy world that we enter into when we love an addict. Look at how many treatment centers and clinics and counselors and documentaries and websites...and and and...it takes thousands and thousands of professionals with millions of dollars of research to even try to take a stab at it...who are we but women with vulnerable hearts who somehow believe that love heals all.
But it isn't true.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 152
Pelly, know what else seems suspicious about this? His MOM called you to go rescue him. Why didn't he go home to her house? Why isn't SHE taking care of him. (just wondering)
Glad you're here, lots of wise people who have much to offer those of us new to navigating these waters. Please, take care of yourself.
Glad you're here, lots of wise people who have much to offer those of us new to navigating these waters. Please, take care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11
Eve13- His mom was the one to bail him out of jail I think she should of let him stay for awhile..she thinks he does no wrong and that he is completely fine..its very difficult even when I told her about the drugs and everything that was going on she didn't believe a word I said only him..and thank you i am very happy I found this website and joined.
leslieJ- If you dont mind me asking..what was your breaking point? What made you finally let go and move on with your life?? Everything that you say is 100 percent true and makes so much sense. Its just so hard theres times that i think im ready to let go and try and move on but I always find my way back in the same situation I don't no how to let go, how did you?
leslieJ- If you dont mind me asking..what was your breaking point? What made you finally let go and move on with your life?? Everything that you say is 100 percent true and makes so much sense. Its just so hard theres times that i think im ready to let go and try and move on but I always find my way back in the same situation I don't no how to let go, how did you?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
The truth is he can and will die from coke/ crack. He will end up dead or in jail or worse.
If he relapses again and you keep worrying nothing changed. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Protect yourself and think what are the honest (painfully honest) reasons you love him and want to be with him.
I have had to separate what I want to what really is. This is it. Worry sadness and guilt is no way to be happy peaceful and joyful. Do you like being miserable?
If he relapses again and you keep worrying nothing changed. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Protect yourself and think what are the honest (painfully honest) reasons you love him and want to be with him.
I have had to separate what I want to what really is. This is it. Worry sadness and guilt is no way to be happy peaceful and joyful. Do you like being miserable?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
what is HE doing different today?
please know, you are NOT responsible for him. for his life, his choices, his outcomes. you are NOT his solution or his savior. you may believe with all your heart what a great guy he CAN be, but he also shown you that he can be a cheating lying thieving drug addict who winds up in jail.
please know, you are NOT responsible for him. for his life, his choices, his outcomes. you are NOT his solution or his savior. you may believe with all your heart what a great guy he CAN be, but he also shown you that he can be a cheating lying thieving drug addict who winds up in jail.
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