rcutch

Why can't there be a rehab for co-dependents? Were do we get to go rest and recover while we try to deal with the effects addiction has had on our lives? Where do we get to go to spend 24 hours a day focusing on nothing but ourselves? I am so exhausted trying to balance the wreck of a life my AH has just walked out and left me with. If I hear one more person tell me how strong I am...I'm not, I just want to find someone to take care of me for a little while.

martina12

I agree with you rcutch..I am exhausted at picking up the pieces, sorting out the kids, coping with the loss, dealing with the emotional rollercoaster and today my counsellor said to me 'but you are so strong'! Me too I want someone to take care of me for a while too...you are not alone!

amberrosejanusz

I seriously thought i was the only one who felt this.
I would love it, if anybody! at all would realize that i'm going through all this **** for no reason.. like i don't need to deal with this and it's unfair but it's the cards that were dealt and yet i get no support unlike my ab. It makes me feel selfish for wanting care too.. but i feel like i deserve something for being here for someone through all of this ********. I feel you, i really do.

SilentLove

I wonder the same thing. How is it that everyone's focus is on the addict instead of us, the ones who have been left ? Everyone is trying to make sure the addict is okay and safe but here we are dealing with the residual emotions/effects. We are still in denial. We are still piecing things together in order for it to make sense for us. We ask stupid questions that we deep down already know the answers to but we still feel the need to ask just to see if the answer changes in any way, shape or form so we can feel better. Each day we think we are progressing but we always end up regressing. At the current state, we are not strong even though we really want to be. We are a wreck and all we want to do is pick up the phone and call the one person we know we cannot call--the addict.

amberrosejanusz

i know, jeeze.
I don't know about you guys, but for me.. when everything is said and done... and i can finally look back at what has all happened and just remember this as something that i was strong enough to get through.. I want my ab to really appreciate and make up for all of the unnecessary hurt he put me through.. intentional or not.. I personally feel like i should be treated like a queen for the things iv'e done to make this work. Cuz you all know, during early recovery this is like... a one way street.
We really do get the **** end of the stick.. i'm trying to just improve myself but there are days where i just wanna say **** it.. call my boyfriend and tell him to stop being so focused on himself and pay attention to me. Yet i can't.. i have to be patient.

SilentLove

I agree. We have to pick up the pieces ourselves while they are recovering and getting all the attention and support. The part that hurts the most is that we didn't even do anything for this to happen to us! I'm sure we all tried our best to do things that would make our addict happy and appreciative of our efforts...yet we get nothing in the end but a bunch of emotions that constantly go haywire. Yes, we have to be patient, otherwise we are considered needy and selfish.

feel free to message me if you guys need to vent as well

PaperDolls

Actually, there is.

This is just one that I know about ...
Betty Ford Center: Family Program

RedSoxGirl

I am absolutely in this place right now...3 days ago I've finally left my AB after 6 years together (and knowing each other for 24 years), and a trip to rehab, only to find out he relapsed 2 months after leaving and that was a year ago. Actually I just realized today is one year exactly to the date he came home...and the lost of feeling like there was hope - I'm desperately falling apart.

I have an appointment with a trauma counsellor on Monday and I'm hoping to take this 15 week course they have on changing your patterns (I'm a "fixer" of people) so hopefully that will work. But of course all this has to happen while I'm picking my life back up, trying to find housing and dealing with a dog with PTSD. Is there a place (preferably a cabin in the woods) where my dog and I can just sit, vent, cry then magically wake up healthy?

SteppingStone

I am totally in this place right now. It's as if you are speaking my words!

My XABF moved out nearly 3 weeks ago after 5 years together. I researched and introduced him to meetings almost 7 months ago and he has been clean & sober since then. At the beginning of his recovery, he wanted me by his side & said he couldn't do this if I wasn't in his life so I stuck around, supported him (financially & emotionally), attended meetings with him if he wanted me to, opened my house to other recovering addicts.........all the while holding down a job, paying the bills, bringing up my 13 year old daughter (from a previous relationship) and trying to get through each day with his highs & lows.

Then he moved out on 8th October! He said he needs to concentrate on his recovery & fixing himself but I shouldn't put my life on hold. He said I should go out & meet people. He said he loves me to pieces but he has to do this and he cant promise that he'll ever be back. I am devastated. What was the point in all my hard work & tolerance?

Now I feel like Im stuck in a rut while he is 7 months ahead of me. He has a programme in his life, guidance and a huge group of new friends for support......................and I have none of that!

They are told not to make any major decisions in the 1st 2yrs, not to work, enter a relationship, etc. but I still have to work, pay the bills, deal with a break-up, bring up my daughter and believe me, I AM STRUGGLING!

Im struggling to eat, sleep, concentrate, exercise, work, get out of bed in the morning or even just put a smile on my face.

Where do I go from here?

SilentLove

The I need to go fix and work on his recovery reminds me of what my ex fiance said.. . It feels terrible and there's nothing we can do besides let them focus on themselves... Feels like all efforts have gone down the drain..

martina12

I so know where you are at right now...I was there a few months ago. I was totally exhausted with the physical and emotional pain. All I can say is that you just have to focus on yourself and your daughter and one small step at a time. I am still not out of the woods but the advice that I had on this site was do what you have to do for yourself and the kids. Thats easier said than done I know but please take baby steps for yourself. Do your best to forget him..he is NOT your priority YOU are the priority now.
I read on another thread 'Be a Victor not a Victim' love that..

hopeful4

I so totally agree, and one that insurance will pay for, not Betty Ford where you have to be a celeb to afford. I don't know about all of you, but I work my poor mind to death worrying about all of this while my husband seems to....some. He went to rehab for 30 days. I call it a mini vacation, I believe that is what it was more so. He says I abandoned him b/c after his drunken tyrade that has us paying $15k in Property Damages and his arrest I did not let him come home for a week between that happening and rehab. My life was in a scramble but O poor him? I guess I am still quite bitter because everyone spends so much time trying to figure out the addict that you feel taken advantage of as their family.

Sorry for the rambling, I had to let that out.

martina12

We have just had a raging storm here in the UK with power lines down etc. I am ashamed to say the codie/rescuer instinct came over me....Me and my boys first are ok...so what about the RXAH who is in a flat 9 miles away? No don't go there...

Twofish

Dear Rcutch, I as the rest of the gang agree with you...I feel like I have aged 10 unnessesary years trying to help my two ADs. The summer of 2013 is a blurre of worry, blame , lies , deception and guilt. Begging did no good, we had to wait and deteriorate while waiting for the girls to desire sobriety, which finally happened, but what about ME??? I'm broken and exhausted, I can't trust, I'm constantly judged by others who know absolutely nothing about addiction. The memories of the olden days, the good times haunt me, my little girls are drug addicts, still have a difficult time saying that. Meetings help, but it's like a band aide on a gun shot wound to the heart. Exhaustion and loneliness is my constant companion, residuals of an illness I never has. TF

sevenofnine

We'd still ultimately have to depend on ourselves for recovery anyway. But I wouldn't mind a holiday where I didn't have to cook, clean, worry about getting all my work done etc....

(although secretly, I must admit that managing all these things has actually been very empowering and led me to feel so much more confidence about being able to meet my own needs myself, and I wouldn't have learned that being coddled)

BlueChair

My husbands been away for months in rehab and Ive noticed all these things I relied on him for, didn't even realize I did but with him not here I have had to be responsible, decide what to do, fix it on my own. It makes me appreciate him more but its been good for me to push myself a little and go out of my comfort zone. I found this prank type thing in our driveway and started thinking about it and got scared people were maybe out to get me. Without bothering him or any of my family Ive been dealing with my own fears, and got up the courage to take it to the police department to ask their opinion. May sound small but it was way out of my comfort zone and I did it

sevenofnine

Good for you bc. Pushing yourself to do something uncomfortable when you know it'll help you grow. If we stay in our comfort zone, we can't recover and ultimately that's not comfortable. Congratulations on bravery. It's only small if it was easy.

Hadley

I agree with everyone and just try to take it day by day and let go of the anger and bitterness.

When he first left I was furious that he got to walk away while I had to pay back my bank accounts that I overdrafted because he refused to work, I have to pay back the credit cards that are run up to support him, I am left with paying the rent and bills, I am left picking up all the pieces while he just moved out and went to live with family that greeted him with open arms because he portayed me as a mean btch that randomly kicked him out. It made me literally see red and then I realized I had to let go of all of that. I had to take responsibility for the part I played in it all which was allowing him to stay and do nothing, giving him access to my accounts, and allowing my credit to be ruined to keep us afloat when while he sat around all day.

I have learned acceptance is the only way to even begin to start moving forward. I would love for the chance to get away and be pampered but I will just have to do little things for myself along the way that make me happy.

We can all do this and we will be stronger in the end for it. On the hard days hearing we are strong isn't enough though, sometimes we need to be held and taken care of and it seems that part of our recovery gets overlooked by those around us unfortunately.

Leana

THANK YOU for this post.

lesliej

I was fortunate enough to go through two separate programs that dealt with codependency and such...which is kind of ironic because I did NOT go through treatment for my alcoholism...I just went to AA

I went to a five day intensive therapy in patient treatment program called "Break Through" at Caron in PA and I went to the three day weekend) Family Program at the Retreat in MN. Both of these programs helped me a lot and I would recommend taking the break...giving yourself the opportunity if you are able. Of course, just like an addict, we can often come up with a million reasons not to go...

in that case one can always do what I did as a substitute for treatment when I wanted to get sober...and that was "90 in 90" which is ninety meetings in ninety days...and you know what, it works. but there are excuses for not doing that too!

we CAN develop ways to find "treatment"
get creative! create a treatment program...totally do-able.