Help! Boyfriend a smoker of heroin

Old 10-22-2013, 03:07 PM
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Help! Boyfriend a smoker of heroin

Hi all,

This is my first time ever posting on a forum and I am unsure if this is the right place - but I would really appreciate some advice right now.
Five weeks ago was the most wonderful day but also the most terrible. My best friend gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. When I returned home to my flat I shared with my boyfriend of a year and a half that evening, I walked in to him asleep with his head on the coffee table - like he had passed out! Tin foil everywhere! He woke up shocked and I demanded he told me what he was doing. I was not prepared for the answer. But he was honest. Turns out, he has been a heroin addict for nine years on and off! Has bouts of being clean - the longest spell just shy of one year. He is on the stuff around fifty percent of the time. Now everything makes sense - waiting around for him most evening, working late, the tiredness, his money disappearing- the lies. It sounds naive but I knew he was up to something- i was trying to be mature and trust someone knowing he would tell me when he was ready- Just had no idea it was this serious. He had managed to keep this a secret from me for a whole year and a half - we spent every day together during the hours he werent off s oking smack.cHe claims that when he met me he was clean and so didnt want to jeopardise his chance at happiness by telling me ( he really believed he would stick with it as had been clean 7 months at the time) His family are all aware and kept it from me too. I am soooo hurt and feel like a silly little girl for trusting these ppl and allowing them in to my life. Naturally I threw him out there and then, it's my flat, so no worries there. But I have been racked with guilt ever since and miss him like crazy!! I love this man. He is clean and back on a program, he even let me meet his key worker and has assured me I can see his drug tests every week. I have told him I need space for three or four months as to take him back would be a huge risk to my future happiness. I have had flowers, ice cream, chocs and letters pouring out his heart to me ever since. He has not once tried to push me in to taking him back, but I am starting to feel like regular contact ( me checking in 2 or 3 times a week) is too painful for him? My question is: do I keep up what I'm doing by offering encouragement and support, or do I cut all ties so he can concentrate on himself. I love him more than anything and jus want him to get better, whether it includes me or not, he deserves a shot at a decent life away from the horrid controlling drug. Thanks for reading, apologies it was a little war and peace. X
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Old 10-22-2013, 03:54 PM
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I have to say for not knowing what should have been told to you....you did an excellent job of reacting! You kicked him out. Either he cleans up or not. It sounds promising.

Keep you boundaries of 3-4 months and evaluate the next step. No hurry but have a plan A and plan B.

Drug addiction is an outright WAR! The addict has the responsibility of maintaining sobriety and recovery. The family has their own life to live.

We can't make them want it for anyone but themselves.

One thing to consider is he was keeping "a secret" and probably had no support during his period of sobriety. If he ever returns to you...he needs to maintain a recovery program (support).

Good luck....this is a lifetime deal if you choose to stay.
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Old 10-22-2013, 04:10 PM
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I think you need to observe him some more before taking him in. He has to be abstinent for at least 2 years in my opinion to be out of the woods.. Spend a lot of time at this forum to see the effect of addiction and relapse on spouses and family members. If you decide to go back into a relationship make sure you go in with your eyes open.
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Old 10-22-2013, 07:51 PM
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Hi Prilly, Welcome to the SR family, happy to meet you and offer you any support I can. I think it sucks that he never told you(addicts lie) or his family never told you ( enablers protect) someone should of said something. However, lets move forward. This man loves you, it sounds like he may desire sobriety, so has he ever considered rehab? He can only achieve that if he truly desires it. It's a long road, a deep hole to climb out of, but it can happen. I have 2 heroin addicted daughters, in therapy, one went inpatient the other went the Methadone route. If it works, it works. What you need is SUPPORT, face to face, so you won't feel alone, blame yourself or feel guilty or a host of emotional emergencies to be rescued from and understand.Its good that you have a plan.. You and the fella will learn tools to help each of you to understand addiction, the disease. We are here for you, support you. Others will be along with their support and encouragement. Take care of yourself, eat well, fluids, rest. You are gonna need it. Take care! TF
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Old 10-23-2013, 02:00 PM
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Hi everyone thank you so much for your responses. I am truly overwhelmed at the support I have received from this forum. It seems I am on the right track, it is sooo heartbreaking but I am 26 and want a chance at children and marriage - I want to be happy. I can't see that being an option with him if he keeps on relapsing. I couldn't put my unborn children through this heart ache too. BUT i also cant imagine doing this with anyone else - he is my soul mate. in the times he has been clean - i have been happier than ever. oooh its a cruel thing! I think I will seek out some counselling for me and maybe get to a local support group for families and loved ones of addicts ( his key worker gave me some information). I will keep checking in with his family and give him some space to focus on himself and not 'us'. i just pray that the lack of contact will have a positive effect as opposed to driving him back to heroin. Once again thank you for all your help and advice. Hopefully I can help someone else in the future with what I learn from my own experiences. X
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Old 10-23-2013, 04:26 PM
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Hi Prilly, Ouch is right! Addiction attacks the loves ones heart, mind and soul. You once were your fellas soul mate and was replaced with drugs, however, with work like Praychaw said it is gonna take a long time, but you can win him back, you can be soul mates again. Don't be alone, I did that at first and just about went crazy. Heroin is such a mean drug, it cares only about itself and if you get in it's way you're gonna get hurt. Happiness, marriage and children can happen, for both of you, it's just gonna take time and a lotta work. You're motivated, stay strong, take care of yourself! Keep posting and reading. Education will be your friend. And of course we are always here! TF
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Old 10-23-2013, 08:21 PM
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his family never told you ( enablers protect) someone should of said something
I have wondered about this moral dilemma. If you know someone has been addicted and you believe they are currently clean, at what point do you tell someone about their history? Are you obligated to tell an employer? When are you overstepping a boundary into the ex-addict's business?

Was his family really aware of his relapse? He was able to hide it from you for a bit while you were living in the same space. So I am not certain that it is reasonable to blame the family.
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Old 10-23-2013, 08:23 PM
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I agree that you should give it some time and give him space. At the point at which you decide to re-engage (if you do), you have a right to ask some hard questions. Such as, how will you stay clean this time? What triggered your relapse?

The other thing I would want to know is how he came to be an addict. If he came to heroin from a medical issue, such as opiates prescribed after an accident, and not from an emotional or psychological issue, then I would think that the prospects are better for eventual recovery.

I would also be very cautious about getting involved with an addict. At 26, you have some time to explore other relationships.
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Old 10-24-2013, 12:11 AM
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Hi Prilly, Education on the disease of addiction will help you understand some of the things an addict does. To overwhelm yourself will only make you sick and tired. Support is a wonderful thing to have under your belt. Don't do this alone, find a Naranon meeting, surround yourself with people who won't judge you (like SR) take care of yourself, eat, rest, fluids and breathe...we care about you too! TF
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Old 10-25-2013, 04:10 AM
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Good morning Prilly, Just checking up on ya. How is the separation going? I bet you miss him very much and I'm sure he misses you! If it feels right, in your gut right, why don't you try a meeting for support, face to face support? If you're really strong and you want to head over into the deeper water, why don't you ask his mom to join you? She needs to stop enabling him and start the healing process by learning how to give her son support? If all that sounds too overwhelming, go get a mani and pedi? Pamper yourself. Stay strong, stay with us let us know how it's going. Remember YOU are important! TF
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Old 11-14-2013, 05:33 PM
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Hi tf. Thanks for checking in. The time apart has been awful for
Him but has had a positive affect on me if I'm honest. I miss him like crazy but I don't miss all the lies and deceit. I have been spending
A lot more time with friends and family and taking time to do the things I enjoy. At times I am lonely but I have to be strong. My axbf is doin well and is still clean, still attending his meetings and has sought extra cbt therapy as I suggested he talks to a professional of
The mind. He calls 2 or 3 times a week when he needs to
Talk. He swears he will never touch te stuff again as losing me has "ruined his life". I feel a lot of guilt and immediately want him to
Come home and give n a big cuddle. I won't do that - the truth is I know it is too early and he is not outta the woods yet - plus - this sounds mean but part of me has enjoyed tohis one apart as family and friends seem to be back
In my life more frequently - visiting me at home more- I had no idea he has such a profound affect on the other important relationships in my life! I hope u don't
Think I'm selfish but for now, we are separated and no more than friends while he makes sense of his demons and I make sense of my feelings and what I want from life
My life moving forward. How are thugs with your daughters tf? How are they getting on? And how are YOU? X
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Old 11-14-2013, 05:53 PM
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Space! And it makes you wonder, if he kept a secret that was that big for that long...how much can you really trust him? Sorry, as you can tell I am divorcing ah H addict and it is NOT pretty. I don't wish this on anyone.
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Old 11-15-2013, 08:06 AM
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I am so sorry! I want to say how much I respect that even though you knew something was up you did not go into codependent behavior and throw fits and demand to know, etc. You let it come up in its own time and you threw him out! Good for you!

I have gotten some slack over this...but it is what it is. I believe that even when someone is in rehab and especially right out, or working a program or whatever...they should not be in a committed relationship for a long time...as in a year or more...They need the time to work on them. And you need to work on you. I recommend a Celebrate Recovery or some sort of meetings for you to get support and work on your feelings. The thing is, right now he is trying to win you back. So he has motivation to do all these great things and work a program,etc.

The only way someone can get themselves clean is to truly want it for themselves. What happens when he does have you back and he no longer has to work for it? Many times, back to the same old behavior. That is a tough drug to kick. He is going to have to put in serious work for it.

Good for you for taking action. Now work on you and let him work on him. If you allow it, God will help you both.

Good Luck! Keep posting, you are never alone in all of this!
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Old 11-15-2013, 08:52 AM
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You have done a great job Prilly in protecting yourself and moving forward! For 26 years old...you have the whole world ahead of you!
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Old 11-15-2013, 09:56 AM
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He had managed to keep this a secret from me for a whole year and a half

the above indicates that since the entire 18 month span he was getting high, you never got the chance to KNOW him as someone not under the influence. that's some pretty sneaky business, all lies and coverup. yet you say he is your soulmate? how would you really know?

you've taken some really good steps to protect yourself. HE has a long battle ahead of him....kicking that crap to the curb for good. it concerns me, based on experience, that while he SAYS he done for good, he's spending an awful lot of time trying to "win" you back. that's very distracting when one is in the business of recovering from heroin addiction. it's like he has two competing priorities....staying clean AND not "losing" you. there's even a chance that he has the two tied together....

take your time. maybe ask to cut down on contact. don't be his therapist. enjoy your friends, family, hobbies, interests.
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