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I was merely a part of his cash flow?

Old 10-19-2013, 07:09 AM
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I was merely a part of his cash flow?

I will try to keep this brief.

When I cut back on booze (which was a daily scourge), I took up smoking a lot of cannabis. Naturally, I turned to my brother who due to divorce and child support payments was in desperate need of cash. I always bought in bulk from him.

About a year ago I noticed a pattern. Increasingly, I only ever had contact with him for drugs. He only contacted me to see if I was wanting.

Three months ago I cut him off to see what the truth was and I think I found it. Apart from the drugs, he couldn't care less about me. He has been an addict and alcoholic for as long as I can remember and in the last few months he has been talking a lot about conspiracies and how our shared origins play a part in it. I have told him I am not interested in knowing about this s*** many times as it doesn't even make sense.

To keep it short, I feel like I am just another part of his cash flow projection. His delusions about his current life are tiresome and I see him heading for a fall. When I really needed him, he ignored my text, instead sending me a laundry list of all his motoring expenses. I didn't want him to visit. Just a text to let me know he cares would have sufficed as I was having a really lousy day. He did, however, collect the money I owed him from the stash spot, not knowing I was at home. I told him I was in hospital (where he never visits me) but I heard him come and go.

I dissed our mother a few years ago for being such a malignant force in my life and I think it is time to do the same with the brother.

This is more of a rant than anything but if anyone has input, please talk to me.
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Old 10-19-2013, 07:46 AM
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I'm gonna respond from my gut, based on what I read in this post. I haven't read any other post by you, so I have no idea of other details that may fill in your story.

Toxic. Terrible, debilitating toxicity. And I'm not speaking about your brother.

If you are truly seeking happiness for yourself, and not retribution for having survived a malignant parent, then you're going to need to work very hard on your own recovery. It is an oftentimes exhausting and ugly process, and for that many people avoid it, but as far I can see, that's the only way you'll be able to break out of the immense protective structure that you needed to build in order to survive you need to leave that place, because it has turned into a spiritual deathtrap.

There are many on this site who have done similar work, so it's not like you're alone in this. It is possible to begin to love yourself, and your present doesn't have to be a constant replaying of your past. I offer you my very best wishes.
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Old 10-19-2013, 12:24 PM
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Hi AjnaT, you may not change other people but you can change yourself. Change the focus on yourself. Make new friends who are clean and sober. Go to 12 step meetings.
Do not less your mother or brother affect your happiness. I cannot let my son's addiction control my feeling. His recovery is his - mine in mine - yours is yours.
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Old 10-19-2013, 05:49 PM
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Thank you both for your input. I am quite aware of my own terrible, debilitating toxicity and have been working with the issue of survival/recovery for the last ten years. It has brought so much ugly crap to the surface and has given me reasons to keep living and to start loving myself, probably for the first time in my life.

Toxic. Terrible, debilitating toxicity. And I'm not speaking about your brother.
I will be honest and say that I resent that comment. Many people hate the truth, including me, and the word 'toxic' has been bandied around for so long now that there is a hurtful divide between people. Everyone wears a toxic-radar these days nobody gets a real chance. I have been avoiding vampires for years now.

For the record it was my mother who encouraged me to drink in the first place. Then she hated me for it for decades.

I wrote this thread at a time when everything is about to stop festering, I am gonna scream and any detritus will evaporate into the atmosphere to go where it wants to.
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Old 10-19-2013, 06:46 PM
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I hope what I write helps.

At no point did I say that you were toxic, but yes, I did find so much of your post to express a toxicity that was palpable by just reading it. Maybe there are other, better words? Unhealthy, maybe... but toxic still seems pretty appropriate, even if you find it to be overused these days.

So, to clarify, my intent was to say that your brother is not to blame for how despondent you appear to be, nor is your mother (not matter how damaging she might have been)... I will also say that nor are you (without denying personal responsibility), because the whole concept of blame is what allows the toxicity to maintain such a presence in your life. That has to be dropped as soon as possible, for your health. You are obviously an adult, and so the onus (and the freedom) to claim ownership of who you are, what you are, and how you are is upon you alone. Look at your own actions: you seem genuinely angry that your brother apparently only considers you as a source of income, and yet it is you who started it off by furtively buying substances from him.

Most of us on this board have been through significant abuse, as well, so I don't feel guilty for telling someone who is very clearly in a great deal of pain that it only harms you more to hold onto it. No matter how much it hurts, a shoulder to cry on is not what you need now (in my opinion, and that's what you asked for with your original post). If you want to feel better, it will take ongoing work, and perhaps different work than what you've already done.

If I didn't care, I wouldn't have written anything in the first place. You are obviously suffering and I sincerely hope that you can start to feel better. When I consider my ongoing recovery, I can thank folks here on this board, in my groups, and in other aspects of my life for their honest appraisals of my situation.
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Old 10-19-2013, 10:59 PM
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You are clearly traumatized by what has happened in your childhood & adolescence. Have you worked with a therapist to exorcise these feelings which are dragging you down?
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Old 10-20-2013, 05:28 AM
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I think you are wise to focus on yourself and your own recovery. Once you put down the cannabis and find a way to live life clean, you can begin to heal from the past and look forward to a much better future that doesn't include drugs or people who use them.

You have a chance to live well and be happy, only you hold the key to your happiness. Please find a way to get solid support and find your way to becoming clean and sober. The rest will all fall into place when you do.

Hugs
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Old 10-20-2013, 05:44 AM
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My own experience is that addicts and alcoholics have troubled relations with others, especially family members. There's so much damage from the past and shame to contend with. Like others said, work on yourself.
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