SilentLove

Hi,

Does anyone know what a typical day in an addicts brain is like? I mean I know it varies and there's no way you can tell but as far as their addiction goes, do they crave it every second and have to fight off the cravings? Or are they ok as long as they occupy themselves? When is an addict most vulnerable to relapses? Also, why would addicts lie about their feelings????

lettingonow

Really good question I'd like to know also. My understanding is that they are living in a deluded state. Reality is not the same for them they see things from a distorted and terribly negative place. I've gone from heartbreak to disdain sadly and wonder now what I ever saw in these people. Then I feel bad for thinking that. It's a confusing disease for all of us involved.

KeepinItReal

Typical day is wake up and feel like crap. Wish their life was different and then go on the hunt for their drugs. Or they have a prescription. Any sort of stress will turn them on to using more. This can be a papercut or stubbing their toe. Yes, as addicts we are constantly craving drugs. It does get better once you quit. An addict is most vulnerable to relapse when they feel hopeless. It's called the F---'its. Usually an inability to deal with any sort of stress or they blame others for the way that they feel.
We choose what we feel. We allow other to make us feel a certain way. We are in control of our own emotions (when in recovery)
Addicts lie about their feelings to themselves. It's a warped reality. Mostly blaming others for the way that they feel. I don't believe while I was an active addict I had any genuine emotions. It was much controlled by the drugs and the way other people treated me. It's a sickness to not take responsibility for your own feelings or life. My addiction was also kept secret... and no one really knew about it except a select few. My addiction lasted about 8-10 years. I say it that way because i'm not sure when it started because of how clouded my mind was.

incitingsilence

One perspective, this is one of my favorites floating on the internet.

"A Day in the Life of a Dope Sick Junkie" By Jackofharts (BTW, Jack is an awesome guy!)

Hello all,
One thing I do is force myself to remember certain scenerios that played out while I was heavily using. Because when the cravings hit, these memories get lost somewhere. For me, I get this tunnel vision and all I remember is the positive aspects of H. The euphoria, the absense of pain(or any feelings for that matter), the comfort it brings.THE NOD OF GODS.lets go!!! Why deny myself the pleasure???

Here's why:

A Day in the life of a dope sick junkie.

8am
Wake up with a start of fear. Am I sick? Not too bad, but I feel it coming on. Better catch this early. The fear rises, slight feelings of panic creep in. Okay, need a plan. Do I have any money? No...not today. Hmm, gotta be at work in an hour and a half. Think faster. More panic.
Ok, i'll call the man, I've gave him all my rent money last week, I should be good for some credit. Pick up the phone and call, no answer.
I'll call another connect, but little chance of credit and he sells garbage half the time. Again, no answer. Call my original connect again. No answer. Panic. Fear. Panic.
My nose starts to run. Sweating a little bit.
I'll sit and watch TV, kill some time....nothing of interest and the reception sucks. It was nice when I had cable. When I could afford such things. I find a show...I stare at it for a couple minutes. It doesn't hold my interest, nothing can hold my interest. I call again,
no answer.

9am
Still no answers, I've called several connections by now I got an answer from one, but as soon as I mention credit the conversation is over. TV still sucks....I would watch a Video, but I pawned the VCR and most of my movies a couple weeks ago. Panic. Fear. Anxiety creeps in. Sweating more, more snot, can't sit still for this. Ok what now? I have some cottons I can beat.
Get my works, pull out several cottons, hmm are these good for anything? I've already beat them twice. Desperation. I'll do it again.
Call one more time...no answer

10am
Beat the cottons, I clean my cooker with the plunger of my rig. I need to hurry. I have to get to work. I draw up the solution I've created. Any dope in there? Doesn't look promising. Looks like dirty water. Dare I shoot this into my veins? Of course I will, have I ever not? Run the risk of cotton fever? Doesn't matter, I'm getting sicker by the minute. The rig is old, dull, numbers worn off. I poke and stick and poke and stick. Try the other arm....crap. I'm a literal bloody mess. Go back to the original arm stick and poke and stick and poke. More bruises, more knots.....fun. I hit...it registers...it stops...it starts...I panic....push the plunger...a knot rises. Do I feel anything? No...i've just flushed a rig full of dirty water into my arm. Where's the phone? Better call work, tell them I'll be late.
I call them, make up a story...tell them I'm not sure when I'll be in.
Try to call the connect again....no answer.

11am
Snot running, cold sweats panic and fear.
Call the connect....he answers...thank god...I hope.
Hello?
yeah, you holding?
sure
Ok heres the deal, I don't have any cash right now but...
Sorry, can't do it
Oh c'mon, I've always been a good customer, give me a break
Not in a position to do that right now...sorry
please?
Sorry
I'll have cash by this afternoon(I lie)
Goodbye....
but...
*click*
I call back, he knows it's me....doesn't answer.
Doesn't he care about a miserable dope sick junky with no money?
no he doesn't

Ok, I've got to come up with some cash. Look around the house....
stereo...gone. CD's....gone. guitar....gone. This list goes on. I've pawned just about everything. I have a TV....it's old...the pawnshop won't even look at it. I've tried. Sick....
sick.sick. sick.

Ok, now what do I do? Who will give me 10 bucks? Parents? no...Sister?no...There has to be someone I haven't burned yet. Panic, fear. Sick.

Noon
I get an idea, I'll steal something and pawn it. From who?
well, I know how to get into my parents house. They have stuff they won't even notice missing. And I'll pawn it, and get it out later.
no you won't
yes I will
no you won't
yes I will
SHUT UP...YOU'RE SICK AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS RIGHT NOW!!! YOU NEED TO GET WELL and FAST!
Of course you're right.
I get in my car. The gas guage reads EMPTY. Don't care...it'll get me there...then to the pawn shop...then to score.....i hope.
I'm at my parents house....I go into a closet where they keep things they rarely use.
I find a couple items of interest. An old video camera, a 22 rifle and a crock pot.
To the pawnshop....I set the stolen Items of the counter.
Video cameras too old...won't take it.
They laugh at the crock pot....what the hell are you thinking?
I shrug (I'm sick---don't you know a sick junky when you see one?)
The 22 rifle...it's old, worth 15 bucks. I take the money....
Leave the pawnshop....find a payphone...call the dealer.
No answer....
I'll go across town and score on the street.
Sick,panic,fear anxiety....
I stop...put one dollar worth of gas in my car...get a pack of cheap smokes.
The sick is hitting harder.

2pm
I start my drive accross town. I have the money in my hand...the sick builds...anxiety....anticipation...sick....
my stomache turns...I have to pull over...
Up it comes....I empty the contents of my stomache...bile and snot that's been running down the back of my throat. There hasn't been any food in there for a couple days.
I get back on the road...across town...
White boy driving around where I shouldn't be....don't care...sick
I look for someone holding....nobody...pay phone...
call my connect again....he answers...
Hey, you holding
yeah...what you want?
10 cents(I don't know why...but this means 10 dollars)
Well ok.... but I have something else I have to take care of first
But I need it now
You'll have to wait, I have other customers willing to spend more.
well...ok...where do I meet you?
Call back in 45 minutes.....
ok...i guess...
*click*
I drive around a little more...still can't find anybody...
Probably better....dealers on the street sometimes sell dirt or coffee grounds to desperate junkies.
Go home....wait...45 minutes...call connect...he answers
Hey
It'll be another 30 minutes....
no way
sorry
ok
I wait, anticipate, fight the sick...wait....

4pm
I call....he answers...
I'll be there in 10 minutes
ok
bye
*click*
10 minutes pass, 15, 20, 30,
I call again...he answers
I'll be right there
please hurry...
I said I'll be right there
*click*
And he knows I'll wait, I always do.
I sit...sick...but at least I know it's going to end shortly.
Only temporarily....but at least it will end.
He knocks at the door...
I give him my 10 bucks....he gives me what I live for...
No small talk, I don't care about him anymore and he doesn't care about me.
He leaves....
I get my works....cook up my shot....begin the process of finding a cooperative vein.
My hands are shaking
I poke and stick and poke and stick. Try the other arm....crap. Go back to the original arm stick and poke and stick and poke. More bruises, more knots.....more fun. I hit...it registers...it stops...it starts...I panic....push the plunger...a knot rises. I missed. I cry
I wait
I feel better,
not high, not euphoric
Just not sick ....for now....

5pm
I call work, I won't be in. They tell me this is starting to happen too often.
I tell them It won't happen again.
Yes it will....

I spend the rest of the day staring at crap on the TV.
Smoke cigarrettes.....call some junky friends...maybe they have a little something that they can share...
They don't

9pm
Go to bed, sleep a little, of and on...getting a little sick...somehow I get some sleep...not good sleep but some sleep.

Next Day

8am
Wake up with a start of fear. Am I sick? Yeah, pretty sick, I could only fix once yesterday. The fear rises, slight feelings of panic creep in. Okay, need a plan. Do I have any money? No...not today........


This is what I have to remind myself of. Is this what I want to go back to?

No...of course not
ahhh- but will I ??

SilentLove

Incitingsilence,

Wow that was intense. Is that what it's like for spice users too? What if you're a functional spice addict? Do you all feel the same? When you wake up, getting high is what you think about??

YoungAndClean

Dang inciting that was exciting. It was kind of triggering but I'm glad I read that because I remember beating my cottons, scraping my dope spoon, and waiting for hours for my dealer. Running with golden brown was always like being aboard a sinking ship, I could see the water was starting to pour into the boat and I was going down, but I'd put that needle in, register, and then I'd feel like everything was managable and would be okay. The problem is that feeling would wear off by next morning. Truth be told if H didn't have all of those symptoms like going broke, missing work, getting dope sick, I'd still probley chasing that next high.

cynical one

I too used to wonder what other people were thinking, and then I joined Facebook. I’m over it now.

Instead of focusing on what others think, I would focus on how much time you spend thinking about him, what he’s doing, who he’s with, and what is he thinking. Addicts and their antics do make good distractions from looking at ourselves.

Txhelp

Incredible description......

I can't believe it takes addicts sometimes years (or never) to get into recovery. Reading it made me tired.

incitingsilence

Silent Love...

In time this is what becomes for everyone … the drug may be different as may be the method of use, but if you stay active in your addiction this is where you are left … this is though but one story…drugs like spice, a mix of nasty chemicals, well add a lot of irrational thinking, a dash of hallucinations, a pinch of violence, heavy on the paranoia…and frankly it isn’t safe to be to close to anyone using or coming down.

One of the hardest things you will have to accept is that you know nothing, if it isn’t yours.

Functional addicts…that is a very baited label, because many addicts seem functional but it can be all the enablers in their lives keeping things together.

Is getting high all you think about…

I remember the days of waking to an urgency, very driven, very non focused on my husband using at the time…everything done, everything in its place, everyone safe home … then I could start drinking. Now it was a lie, because I was popping pills way before I picked up the other bottle most days, but it isn’t so much about the drugs or the high … a promise of a high works quite well to calm the voices in your head…It is very individualized and yet at times the same. One of my friends was so fascinated with how opiate wd just stopped, almost dead in its tracks on the day he would go to refill his prescription. No matter how sick he was the day before, thinking he was dying. He would be up that day, moving, no shakes no throwing up, no chills, no pain … could get dressed, could drive could sit still through the visit …. Because of the prize at the end...

Young and clean...
Congratulations, you keep playing that tape all the way past the heaven part, cause the hell gets worse and worse and worse each time you dare entertain to long.

LoveMeNow

Very interesting. While I agree with putting the focus back on myself, I think this thread has really given me insight into the mind of an addict. Thank you for sharing.

soberhawk

AnvilheadII

when i was addicted to crack, that was the central theme in my thinking and my life. when and how soon. mind you i still had a job, paid rent, bills, did all the "normal" seeming day to day stuff, but it was all just background to my primary concern, rock, pipe and a decent lighter.

addicts are always subject to relapse...after 10 days or 10 years....because addiction can be rendered dormant but never completely eradicated. when i FINALLY had had enough, i made using, being around, even being caught off guard by crack as impossible as i possibly could. i had to change my thinking, my habits, my interests, and my own personal spiritual life.

we lie to cover. we lie to get people off our damn backs. we lie so we don't have to face the truth. we lie to minimize rationalize an justify our using. we will go to any lengths to protect our precious drug use.

unless you've had every CELL in your body ACHE for dope, it doesn't make any sense. as a recovered addict today it doesn't make any sense that I was ever really like that. that i volunteered and pledged allegiance to that nasty @ss drug, that i let my life be ruled by a call from the dope man, or the suggestion from some innocuous TV ad that said MAKE THE CALL. seriously, that was all it took to send me off the races.

sojourner

I have read of a three-phase cycle to addiction. I am doing this off memory here, so maybe somebody else knows where to find the actual documentation.

Part 1 - the addict is actually using. The amount of time for this can run the gamut - probably depending on the person and depending on the drugs used.

Part 2 - the addict has to stop using. This can happen for different reasons. Maybe they ran out of money. Maybe they got physically sick and had to quit. Maybe something caused a crisis like threat of job loss, family loss, health loss. This phase has remorse (such as, why did I get so nuts with it, I told myself I would limit my use) with more self-promises to quit or to limit their usage. This phase has remorse and promises to the family about what happened in Part 1. They are very nice in this phase.

Part 3 - An antsy phase for the addict. It is probably when the cravings are happening in the brain, which of course they do not realize. They start getting irritable. They start picking fights. They are not so nice during this phase. They start thinking things like, "Life is crappy. I want to get high. I know I will feel good then. I will not get as nuts as I did last time. I will stop myself before I get that bad." Of course, they do not realize these thoughts are generated by a brain that is craving the substance. So they move back into Part 1.

And the cycle continues until it is interrupted by Recovery.


We as friends and family members, if we have close association with the addict, also have a 3-part cycle that shadows their 3-part cycle. The details of that I cannot remember. That is why I am hoping someone will come along with the documentation of that part of it also.

Hope that helps.

Vale

.........and THAT, my friend Cynical-----(in conjunction with the 'what
do addicts think about' original piece)

>>>>>is SR PERFECTION!!!

......the addicts life is their own business,let them live it as they choose--
and face the consequences as the adults they are. If it ends all they knew
& loved....it is what it is.

I am so grateful for my fantastic life.
Her life was her life, by definition never any of my business.

(period)

SilentLove

Do recovering addicts feel the way you did? Do they still want to get high when they are recovering?

AnvilheadII

i don't, that's for sure. i want to NOT use ever again. oh sure early on there were a lot of "triggers" - i had to learn to deal with that, desensitize myself and turn triggers (excuses) back into plain ole ordinary things. i'd get thoughts.....i just didn't "entertain" them like guests - more like trying to fight off an infestation.

so, have any of these responses HELPED you? answered your questions? come close to hitting on your agenda?

SilentLove

I just don't get it. He seems so effen normal. I didn't see any clues that he was using at all. I don't understand how he could just relapse like that. His parents think that it's because of the alcohol... He was an alcoholic as well.. Got into some trouble.. But how is it that his cousins know of his problem yet they still drank in front of him?!!? And why didn't he tell me that alcohol could push him to relapse?

So many questions that I am still trying to figure out even after the fact.

AnvilheadII

and what will any of that change? he's an addict, he used...that's what addicts do. you didn't know, no surprise there either. it's nobody else's job to keep anyone sober except the sober person. he didn't tell you cuz he wanted to DRINK...that IS a relapse. addicts dont' usually rat themselves out right before they use!!!! or while they are high. .and certainly don't need some well meaning goody two shoes killing the buzz!!!

IT IS WHAT IT IS. you can do mental gymnastics for a year and never get anywhere. doesn't change a single thing.

HealingWillCome

Posts like these still help me. When I was with my addict xbf it was always difficult for me to wrap my mind around his sickness…to understand how a human could love and value a drug more than himself or human relationships.

For someone like me, to hear addiction described by someone who has lived it was and still is powerful and necessary. In my healing, it was a big part of what I needed in order to accept that it was finally time to let go. I obsessed about him during breakups in our relationship cycle partly (mostly) because I didn't understand the sickness of addiction. “How could he? All the things he said…didn't he mean them? Doesn't he love me? How could he lie like that? How could he treat me like that?” On and on and on…

So Silent, I understand. I really do. I say ‘way to go’ for asking your burning questions. Once you find your answers, you can use them to help you heal yourself, and that’s the most important thing as people here have pointed out. It’s not about him anymore; it’s about you and your happiness. You are the sole person in control of your happiness.

allforcnm

I think the questions you have are normal and ok to explore. I know I had a lot of questions when my husband was in active addiction, 'what is he thinking', 'why would he do that?' because most of his choices were not logical, and were atypical of who I knew him to be through the years we were together. I was angry at him for a long time because I didn't understand how addiction impacted him. Lying, hiding drug use, masking feelings these are symptoms of the disease of addiction. Shame, fear, guilt also play a part in lying to protect the drug use, protect relationships, etc.

I think its like you said, answers will vary on many factors; stage of addiction, type of drugs being used, method of use, income, social factors. But there are common threads that run through addiction like needing the drug to avoid physical symptoms of withdrawal, needing the drug to mask feelings or pain, or to feel high, or emotionless, changes in the way the brain functions. Some addicts are highly functional and have careers, families who know nothing of their addiction. Some are homeless and steal/pawn to get 10 for todays drug fix.

If you haven't, try doing some reading over on the substance abuse forum. There are a lot of people there sharing their stories of recovery, relapse and such. You might be surprised at what you find, people like your ex, trying to get through the days, each dealing with their own reasons why.