pravchaw

I guess us "codependents" can relate - we think constantly about the addict just like the addict thinks about drugs. They are our drug.

HealingWillCome

I think so too, pravchaw.

And we work on recovery and we have our relapses until we finally get it. And we finally get it, at least in my case, because people like Cynical One, are willing to keep us in check. But like all those in recovery, we each need to process it in our own way at whatever is right for us at the moment. I've been where SilentLove is, submerged in that pain.

Educating myself about addiction, understanding what my addict might be thinking and how he could make the choices he was making was critical to helping me heal.

overit263

My ExAH made up a sponsor, whole background and everything "just to get you off my back". When he finally went to get help after I caught him and kicked him out, he told me "I have a bad case of the F%$ its" and "I don't know why I'm acting like this I'm sorry and I love you". My response was that he couldn't love anyone when he doesn't love himself. I needed this post today because he's getting nasty again. My response was "A well person wouldn't act this way" and that I hope he gets the help he needs.

cynical one

Actually Pravchaw must have been in my head and basically said what I was thinking.

bookreader

Patience and kindness.
Silentlove's join date is just now - oct 2013
This experience is new, frightening, confusing, and all the other words we have experienced.
If you love someone who is an addict, at the very first instant you had that knowledge - my loved one is an addict - and you are a parent/friend/spouse/sibling - you want to help - to fix. When my loved one is hurt, I want to help - if you are loving, your instinct will be to comfort. That's the beginning.
Inciting's 'day in the life' account from Jack was disturbing and I am sure very real.
I could go to the beginning and write a 'day in the life' of the parent/spouse that would also be disturbing and very real. That is where we start - thinking about the addict, questioning the addict, following, pleading....
And then we realize that this is not about us, what we can do.
And it is very hard to let go. And it takes time. Much time.
So, silentlove, I hope you find support here -
b.

PhotoArtist

Want to know why my husband starting shooting up oxycodone? About 5 years ago (before we met), he was out of pills and detoxing, sick as a dog. He called one of his connections and he brought some pills to him. Of course he had no money to pay the dope man, so the dope man made a deal with him. It went something like this..."I'll give you these roxies, but only if you shoot them." And so it began.

A week or so ago, when my husband had no where to live, no money, and no dope, I got him a hotel room for one night. Yeah, it was stupid, but I was weak. Anyway, after he started to fall asleep I decided it was time for me to leave. He was going to be sleeping, couldn't get into any trouble, right? Well, I picked up his phone and plugged it into the charger. When the screen lit up I saw a text message, sent by one of his so called "friends", who knew he was homeless, knew he would probably end up killing himself by overdosing if he got his hands on some pills. The text read "Hey, let's go get those R's. My boy is waiting for us. Where do you want me to pick you up?" Of course I called that piece of crap and told him that I would end his life if he came anywhere near my husband. I told him that he would never see his daughter again after I brought all the evidence I had against him to the cops. And it must have scared him, because I haven't seen or heard from him again. But it didn't change anything, really. He is still a dope addict, a piece of crap, and he would still bring my husband to buy dope if he knew I wouldn't find out.

I have been asking myself this for years. Why would someone who knows someone is an addict, actually supply him with drugs, especially if he is a friend? Encourage someone to shoot up dope? I still don't have the answer to that question. i think all of those people are garbage, and I wouldn't spit on any of them if they were on fire.

But guess what, it ISN'T THEIR FAULT. Yeah, it's hard to admit it, but it's true. In reality, my husband is responsible for his addiction. He is responsible for the choices he has made, the people he has hurt, and the relationships he has lost. He made his own choices, and he has to live with those choices for the rest of his life. No one caused any of this to happen but HIM. And now, finally, he is taking responsibility for his choices and for his addiction. He is doing something about it. He is getting the help he needs. But if he doesn't follow through, if he doesn't follow up after rehab and continue to work on his sobriety for the rest of his life, he will fail and it will be his fault and his fault alone.

So, just a bit of advice to you. Stop beating yourself up over this. Stop asking "why", because you will never get the answer to that question. It doesn't matter why he or his family or friends have done the things they have done. It doesn't matter why he got hooked on drugs in the first place. The "why's" don't matter. They just make us crazy. I stopped asking why a long time ago, and it was the best thing I have ever done.

Vale

A Day in the Life of a Dope Sick Junkie?????????????

(How about a day in the life of a junkie sick dope (AKA Codependent!)

1. Get up. Wonder if she's gonna blow off her court date and have another warrant.
2. Mid-morning money call......doesn't really matter what's it's for (you KNOW what it's
for).....but you go along ---so she can have toilet paper (dope),toiletries (dope),
something to eat (dope)....or gas (dope,with maybe $2 in gas tank...to get more
dope)
3.Noontime.Get email that something 'serious' is going down.....no specifics...something
medical. More emails indicating increasing crescendo of tension (all of which---as if by
magic...can be solved with more money).You choose to ignore---but you worry. Is she
half-dead in some alley somewhere?
4. Early afternoon.She's 'gone dark'. You imagine the worst.Logically,you KNOW you're
being played....but emotionally.....what if?
5. Mid afternoon..CONTACT! Thank God she is alive!!! But the message is non-sensical
as if Star Wars Yoda was trying to communicate from the inside of a moving clothes
dryer....nouns/adjectives/conjunctions don't match.....confusing this is,sensemaking
it is not! Welcome to modern high speed digital communications 'on the nod'. The
acronym GIGO applies.
6. Late afternoon. With the days excitement over--you perform a self evaluation of the
extreme futility of this horsecrap.....but always (in the back of your mind)...you said
you would never cut and run. Every TV program since you were 5 has pounded it in
your brain.....winners never quit.
7.Early evening.....peace! It zombie happy hour and the feedings have started. If you
want to know the details...walk into any crack/dope den (they're all the same).Your
input is neither wanted nor welcome......only your money.
8.Late evening: Consider cutting the email lifeline....google name to see if any new
charges have showed up on county website.
9.11pm: face yourself & realize you are just as sick as they are if you don't pull the
plug on this ghastly nightmare.
10.Just before midnight.Watch some Netflix. Pull up Craigslist only to see her selling
stolen crap under her REAL name.....with her recognizable in the photo's (I'm not
making it up!)
11.Midnight: Pull plug. Do it. Stick to it. Forever.

(or face endless repeats of this WONDERFUL day)

Txhelp

Vale: That was perfect!

HealingWillCome

SilentLove, check out this current thread in the F&F of Alcoholics Forum: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4245174

There are some great suggestions for focusing on what you think about.

Threads like this pop up frequently around here because we need them. From the bottom of my heart, here's wishing you an obsession-free day.

KeepinItReal

Vale - This was so on target!

amberrosejanusz

I've always wondered that too.. and do you mean active or recovering addicts? My boyfriend (recovering) always says he wakes up from horrible sleep and then literally just sits and stares at a wall for hours..
i always feel so bad for him, i just think i'd go crazy if i had to do that but he say's since he's so emotionally numb it doesn't matter to him. I know people say it get's better in time.. but apparently it's like... the longest time of their life. I think everyone is slightly different but that is supposed to be a very common thing.

SilentLove

Yeah my ex fiance has a lot of problems getting sleep. He usually doesn't fall asleep til really late with the help of melatonin which he said he wish he had known about before getting into drugs cuz that could have saved him from the addiction.

bookreader

oh, I would add more to Vale's 'day in the life', but we/each of us didn't start down this path as co-dependents.
we started as concerned, well meaning individuals.
and each of us had to figure out how to draw the line between our desire to be a loving/caring person
and
setting boundaries, protecting ourselves and our life and the lives of those we still have in our care.
it is a process, for us parents, it is difficult.
and, yes, difficult for all of us.
b.

autumn18

My boyfriend is in recovery for opiates. His mood swings, name calling, rejection, and blaming me for everything that doesnt go his way. Ive tried to seperate but still be supportive and he tells me im cold hearted for leaving him when he is down. I love him and want to be supportive, but the abuse is so heart breaking. He tells me he is sorry and its not him but theaddiction. I dont want to fight anymore. Some days i hate him. How much more does he have to go before he is off the drugs for good? i am so glad i found this site. Just to vent and to know i am not alone here. Thank you all.

incitingsilence

Oh Vale, very nice, and yet to nice ...

So I will pose the question, do you mirror the addict in your life?


The fear, the desperation, the need, compelled, to just do something, anything….NOW!

Money, money…. Hide the money, move the money, where did the money go ( well you know where it went, up a nose, in vein, in the end all the same)…
Money is a huge obsession on the watching side. And while the addicts are hoping their dealer will give them something on credit … the family has credit cards, that are close to or already maxed out in hopes of keeping the ship from not sinking until they can just stop using. As if not using will fix the problem.
And they sell things, do without, and borrow as well.

And you don’t remember the last time you have eaten, if you even remember to at all … and probably threw up as well you stomach in constant knots … and you don’t sleep and when you do your dreams aren’t just drug related but death related. Everything is painted in gloom and doom. You have played the death out and literately killed them over and over each night in your dreams. Week after week, month after month and well in time because you have let yourself become like this you start to wish they would just die so you could finally have some peace.

As they think, I need my fix.

All you can think of is them and they are your drug. And you play countless waking nightmares in your head … all that bargaining, begging with the what if’s and what if I ruling….what if this happens, then maybe this will happen….what if I do this then maybe they will do that. Manipulation, they aren’t the only ones so called good at that.

They look terrible … but you do too. Like a truck ran you over and then backed up for another round mainly because YOU refused to get out of the damn way.

And as you fixate on their excuses and the bs stories…

Might want to look at the countless excuses you made for them that delayed the natural progression of the disease.
You are always on high alert a cushion in hand for each fall, a reality check with each peek at a phone, or email, or search of a pocket or car. You tell just as good a bs story as they do to keep up appearances. You have rearranged each minute of each day around them tip toeing on eggshells with such precision and yet you never thought to remove yourself.
Played the same argument over and over in your head wishing for a crystal ball to show you what the truth is. But are you really capable of seeing that truth and believing it because it has been right there showing itself off all along. Almost daring you to see it.

And at this point most likely you haven’t told anyone. You are just what the addiction hoped for another secret keeper another protector.

This is just the beginning…yes it does get worse.


I love what Jack wrote because it shows the reality of addiction, the last lines maybe the most important. The questioning of will I go there again? Not such an easy one to answer. No matter what side, many go back for one more time.

amberrosejanusz

@autumn18

That really isn't any good but trust me at least you get emotions out of your boyfriend.. mine is recovering from opiates as well and he has litterally no emotions whatseoever... oh my god is it frustrating i can't get through to him ever. he had his first emotion yesterday in like three months. i feel like i wanna punch him in the face sometimes for being so stubborn.. but i can't.. cuz i don't really think they even notice when they're being jerks.. it just kind of happens.

Vale

Oh Vale, very nice, and yet to nice ...
So I will pose the question, do you mirror the addict in your life?
===============================================
Nope. She died over a year ago, and I had gone No Contact a
year prior to that.

incitingsilence

Opps...
Sorry Vale, I do know your story, that questions was more in general out to anyone reading.

Eve13

Thank you. as a MOAS (mom of addict son) I am working on disengaging, untangling and focusing on me. Read looking like I've been run over by a truck because I didn't get out of the way and saw me in the mirror of those words. These threads help.

Vale

================================================== =====
No worries, mate.