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My husband doesnt sound like a PRIZE

Old 10-16-2013, 07:41 PM
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My husband doesnt sound like a PRIZE

I was chatting with someone here, and I realized why some people here must think Im crazy. I was talking about all the things my husband has done in this relapse, and it is outright crazy Sh*t.

Relapsed, hid it from me for weeks
Went missing, came home told me he relapsed, but would fix it.
I BELIEVED HIM
He went missing again, and this time did not come home, had to be located by friends. Was in a drug house of a friend of a friend totally out of it.
Pawned/lost his wedding ring
Cheated on me with multiple women during his relapse, at that disgusting drug house, but also before with a chick from work who did coke with him
Spend a ton of our savings
Screwed up big time at work, causing them all kinds of problems
Said horrible things to me prior to going into rehab
Had temper tantrums in rehab
Broke things, hurt himself, had to go to the ER
Threatened to leave
Came home and relapsed, shot up in our home
WITH ME OBLIVIOUS
Not sure he wants to commit to stop drinking

I guess that is most of it. He sounds awful, and I would appear crazy for subjecting myself to this life.

I realized this tonight, maybe as someone said I am slow. Im not saying its deterring me for my marriage, but I can see where people are coming from now. There is a lot more to him than this relapse, but no one sees that part of him, or our relationship. But this part it dont look good when you say it all out loud, or in text.

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Old 10-16-2013, 07:52 PM
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right there with you bluechair. it's an incredible realization that hits you like a ton of
bricks. I too though have known my boyfriend for years, before any of these
bad things happened..so I know how wonderful he is outside of drug use. I know some will disagree with my prior statement but I stand firm in it. but you're right, it's a tough thing to come to terms with. I too can understand why everyone arounde screams run..=\
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Old 10-16-2013, 08:15 PM
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Your husband is exactly who he is ...

Just remember the one place you will never lead yourself astray is by looking at what is, not what was. The is, is always subject to change. He may move on from here and be the man you need him to be. A man he can be look back upon with no regret because he took the time ... grateful, humbled by the chances given to him. Or he may just have been showing you through his addiction that he is a lot more than you ever knew.

There is a lot of unknown out there...

You must educate yourself, learn about yourself ... if there an inexplicable truth in this all it is ... that we react because of who we are, we see when we see because of who we are, we don't understand at times the danger we are in because of who we are and we will grown and learn or choose not to because of who we are. And nothing has to do with them.

Take care of you. Work on you.

He will show himself, in time ...
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Old 10-16-2013, 08:39 PM
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((Blindsided)) I love the way you put that, I agree with your earlier statement, and stand by it with you. It is a realization all that has happened during the relapse. I know everyone has their own list, some a lot longer than mine, but it hit me tonight like you were saying in the other thread, why some people do a double take when they read our list, and based on their experiences, compare, give comments. One more thing I realized, if I hadnt known him for so long then it would be more confusing for me to figure all this out, I feel like I have a marker to go by.

((Incitingsilence)) Thank you. You are right about accepting him as he is, and I have learned a lot about him during this experience and Im sure I will learn more. I have learned a lot about myself, and I am continuing on that path. Im going to keep going to counseling even after he leaves rehab (in a few weeks). I am constantly growing and changing, I hope for the better.
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Old 10-16-2013, 08:48 PM
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Bluechair, You have been thru so much in such a short time...you know what an addict is and what they do while actively using...they manipulate, lie, lie and lie some more. Their prime priority is themselves. Rehab, did it work? This time? Might take a few attempts to see progress. It is a disease after all. What does your gut tell you? Do you have a plan or two. Do you want to live like this? Is this the same person you married? Getting tired of the blame, guilt and worry yet? I have double the concerns, 2 ADs. I find myself regaining some trust in the younger one, just alittle but it's coming back. Meetings have helped me, the face to face support, that I'm not alone has been a Godsend. You have tons to think about and tons of decisions to make. But, keep YOU as the priority, stay heathy, eat, rest, stop worrying or obsessing, smile for awhile. We will always be here for support, but you need to make this difficult decision. Good luck sweetly, you're in my thoughts and prayers. TF
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Old 10-16-2013, 10:32 PM
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My list is probably as long, a lot of the items are different, but many are the same. And yes, I do see why people may look at us and think we are freakin bananas. Why would we put ourselves through all of this pain, headache and fear? Why do this to ourselves?

And if people think I'm nuts for staying in this relationship, that is okay. It doesn't bother me. But they don't know my story either.

A few weeks after I met my husband I started to get very sick. Very very sick. My whole body ached, I couldn't breathe, my stomach started swelling, I couldn't keep food down. Eventually I would just fall over, I had no strength, and then I started coughing up blood. I lived like this for almost three months, went to 5 different doctors, and none of them could figure out what was wrong with me. After almost three months, my primary care doctor finally figured out what was wrong - my heart was failing. I nearly died, was on a transplant list for a long time, but eventually pulled through. Now, only 4 years later, I have normal heart function.

And guess what, after only knowing me for a few weeks, my husband stayed with me, took care of me, and never left my side. He was there to catch me when I fell over. Even sat in the bathroom with his back to the shower just in case I passed out. He woke up in the middle of the night when I couldn't breathe and rushed me to the emergency room. He stayed outside of the ICU for 2 days, and never left.

HE SAVED ME. I know I couldn't have gotten through that without him. And that man is the man I fell in love with. That man is who my husband really is. And that is why I am still in this relationship. He is sick, he has a disease, and I will not walk away from him while he is getting help. Honestly, I almost walked away from him last week, and I'm not sure if I would have come back. I am still unsure about the future. But today, I saw the man I fell in love with for the first time in a very long time. He is slowly coming back to life. And I won't walk away from him if there is still hope, regardless of the things he has done in the past.

So that's my story, and that answers the question "why?". We all have our reasons, but the reasons don't really matter, do they? We are who we are, we love who we love, we stay if we want to stay, and we leave when we are ready. So I don't think any of us need to make decisions because others think we need to, and we surely don't need to feel bad about staying in a relationship with someone who has hurt us. We all need to make the decision that is right for us, whether that means staying in the relationship or leaving and never turning back. And I will support each and every person's choice regardless of my personal feelings, because that is what we do here. Support each other
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Old 10-17-2013, 01:36 AM
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The other day I was talking to the childminder of a kid who goes to preschool with my daughter. We had been seeing my ex on thursday afternoons and she asked if we were going to see him that afternoon (of if we wanted to hang out with them at the playground). I told her that we would not be seeing him, that the previous night
he was very mad that I wouldn't take our daughter to see him at the grocery store half an hour from our house at 7:30 at night. This lady just said "oh he sounds like a loser" I was shocked! I kind of felt like defending him but I just let it go. I still can't believed she said that.
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Old 10-17-2013, 05:39 AM
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BC
This was an extremely honest post. It was refreshing.

Quite honestly, it doesn't matter to me whether anyone stays with their husband or leaves. It's none of my business and really.....it has absolutely zero impact on my life. Everyone has their own tolerance level. I suspect that if the list above continued to accumulate over years......you might reach a breaking point. And hopefully that won't happen. Hopefully your husband is on a positive path so that you can find solid footing for a long and loving marriage.

Unfortunately there are some who sit in a place of denial or martyrdom indefinitely......looking to others on the forum for sympathy....and then they become frustrated when they don't receive said sympathy. We see them come and go on the forum (for those of us who have been here for a long time) and sometimes we lose patience and become abrupt trying to hasten the poster's "process". Sometimes those abrupt statements will shake a person out of their denial....sometimes it simply makes them defensive and/or leave.

Many of the folks here on SR have years (in some cases decades) of experience with addiction. Some have experienced multiple loved ones with the disease of addiction....some are in recovery from addiction themselves. That experience is priceless. They take their time to give back.....not because they have to......but because they were once where others were and they have hearts as big as all outdoors. They can see BS in a split second and some are quite good at calling people on it. They aren't trying to be mean.....they are telling their truth as they see it.

I am rooting for those who are succeeding with recovery TODAY. I am saddened by relapses. I am (above all) supportive of those who choose to have the courage to change themselves and look inward for answers rather than holding on to the expectation that life will improve if others around them will change. The most basic concept that we hope to impart is that life can be good........whether the addicted loved one continues to use or not.

You and your husband have much to overcome. I am rooting (and praying) for you both. There is no shame in trying to work things out....just as there is no shame in deciding that a limit has been reached.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 10-17-2013, 06:26 AM
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I'm sure writing that was somewhat therapeutic for yourself as well, I may need to do the same, to let go of some of it. Luckily in a place like this people "get" it and don't judge. ((hugs))
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