i want to tell my boyfriend i believe his parents enable him..
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i want to tell my boyfriend i believe his parents enable him..
I'm noticing as time passes and my boyfriends recovery proceeds that his parents are holding him back. He moved out from my house to live with his parents again while he's recovering. It hurts but i understand that it's necessary for him to work on himself for the time being.
His parents didn't push him to go back to work i did. They would give him VERY simple tasks like going to the post office and they give him money left and right literally hundreds of dollars..... They don't like him talking to me or anybody really, even though i've never actually done anything like that. Which bothers me cuz i feel like they're trying to keep him from the real world. I'm in no way saying that he needs to move back to me, i'm saying that i want him to kind of stray away from his parents. They're the only people around him, they take him out to eat like 5 times a week and to movies and things like that. He's a grown man, but they're treating him like he's still a child and they don't want him to move out again. I know they're afraid of losing him but guess what? i had to do it, i don't get why they can't tell him to experience the world again. I feel like he still has no coping skills. He's an opiate addict but like people in aa would say he's kind of like a dry drunk. He also doesn't want to go to school anymore, i understand that it could be a realizing of something in his life, but that's something i know he needs to do. Just like i'm a pre med psych student, he want's to go into neurochemical biology and i know that he's sooo sooo intelligent he just needs a push..
I guess i'm rambling, i'm just worried. I keep on thinking if he doesn't move away from his parents influence he won't accept the rest of the world for what it is. He has other responsibilities he's been ignoring since rehab and they don't address the issue like i do. He should still at least have these responsibilities in sight. I know he needs to focus on his recovery but it's been a few months now i feel like there should be some progression towards his schooling, his relationship and his day to day coping skills. I see him going to work now, so i'm so happy that he's back to that. The rest i'm just hoping he starts to notice needs to be attended to as well.
His parents didn't push him to go back to work i did. They would give him VERY simple tasks like going to the post office and they give him money left and right literally hundreds of dollars..... They don't like him talking to me or anybody really, even though i've never actually done anything like that. Which bothers me cuz i feel like they're trying to keep him from the real world. I'm in no way saying that he needs to move back to me, i'm saying that i want him to kind of stray away from his parents. They're the only people around him, they take him out to eat like 5 times a week and to movies and things like that. He's a grown man, but they're treating him like he's still a child and they don't want him to move out again. I know they're afraid of losing him but guess what? i had to do it, i don't get why they can't tell him to experience the world again. I feel like he still has no coping skills. He's an opiate addict but like people in aa would say he's kind of like a dry drunk. He also doesn't want to go to school anymore, i understand that it could be a realizing of something in his life, but that's something i know he needs to do. Just like i'm a pre med psych student, he want's to go into neurochemical biology and i know that he's sooo sooo intelligent he just needs a push..
I guess i'm rambling, i'm just worried. I keep on thinking if he doesn't move away from his parents influence he won't accept the rest of the world for what it is. He has other responsibilities he's been ignoring since rehab and they don't address the issue like i do. He should still at least have these responsibilities in sight. I know he needs to focus on his recovery but it's been a few months now i feel like there should be some progression towards his schooling, his relationship and his day to day coping skills. I see him going to work now, so i'm so happy that he's back to that. The rest i'm just hoping he starts to notice needs to be attended to as well.
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He's a grown man
nuf said....as a grown man he is fully capable of making his own decisions. he is at his parent's house by choice....
do you REALLY want to be somebody's mom? cuz what you are saying is his folks aren't PARENTING (guiding, suggesting, urging) him as well as YOU did. is that really an even relationship? two ADULTS? if he can't do life without you or someone telling him what to do, then what does he really have to offer??
nuf said....as a grown man he is fully capable of making his own decisions. he is at his parent's house by choice....
do you REALLY want to be somebody's mom? cuz what you are saying is his folks aren't PARENTING (guiding, suggesting, urging) him as well as YOU did. is that really an even relationship? two ADULTS? if he can't do life without you or someone telling him what to do, then what does he really have to offer??
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a relationship is two people supporting each other to move them forward in life. yes, that's a relationship. not just letting a person become complacent. it's easy for people to do that. his parent's are trying to fulfill every role aside from being parents to him. which is whats bothering me. iv'e always been his push. i'm asking for help to know what to do in this situation such as confront or let itself workout, not that i'm i'm a fake relationship. he usually has no support. he used to never have anybody in his life, not me not his parents. he was a junkie for a long time... i believe he needs a push to not be attatched to people to comfort him that's why i've stepped back but his parents are trying to fulfill some weird universal role that isn't quite working. i just don't know if i should say anything to him or not... that's all.
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and you think he doesn't KNOW his parents are enabling him?? hey move back home to the 'rents...free room and board, no pressure, all my needs met. you don't think that was intentional on his part???
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It's okay to have all those opinions, every single one of them. We all have opinions about other people in our lives, what they should or shouldn't be doing, whether or not they should stay in their marriage or leave it, whether or not they need to lose weight or gain weight, etc.
But when we butt in and tell them our opinions and that we think they should change themselves or their lives because we think they are doing it wrong, then that is the definition of codependency. It means we are so uncomfortable with who they are and how they are living that we want them to change so we can be more comfortable. It is always hard to admit this, but most people who meddle have this as their core agenda.
If, on the other hand, a good friend comes to us and says, "I'm confused. I need to make a change. I have these options and I don't know which is the best way to go. Can you give me some feedback as I try to sort it all out?" then we can offer feedback because we have been invited to.
Most people who feel a great urge to "correct" the choices and the behaviors of other people grew up in homes which had some kind of instability or uncertainty going on. I have a dear friend who grew up in a large family with a very volatile alcoholic father. Today my friend is always "correcting" her husband. I see this, I think I understand why. I think it is because she has a deep need to control her environment and those in her intimate life, else they may all fly apart.
My boundaries prevent me from pointing her "correcting" habits out to her. If I try to correct her, well, we'll both be sunk! And I love her just the way she is. If her husband has a problem with all that correcting, I figure he will one day let her know.
But when we butt in and tell them our opinions and that we think they should change themselves or their lives because we think they are doing it wrong, then that is the definition of codependency. It means we are so uncomfortable with who they are and how they are living that we want them to change so we can be more comfortable. It is always hard to admit this, but most people who meddle have this as their core agenda.
If, on the other hand, a good friend comes to us and says, "I'm confused. I need to make a change. I have these options and I don't know which is the best way to go. Can you give me some feedback as I try to sort it all out?" then we can offer feedback because we have been invited to.
Most people who feel a great urge to "correct" the choices and the behaviors of other people grew up in homes which had some kind of instability or uncertainty going on. I have a dear friend who grew up in a large family with a very volatile alcoholic father. Today my friend is always "correcting" her husband. I see this, I think I understand why. I think it is because she has a deep need to control her environment and those in her intimate life, else they may all fly apart.
My boundaries prevent me from pointing her "correcting" habits out to her. If I try to correct her, well, we'll both be sunk! And I love her just the way she is. If her husband has a problem with all that correcting, I figure he will one day let her know.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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I know what you mean when the parents think they are helping when in turn they are enabling. When my ex fiance was detoxing from spice, his mother was manipulated Into buying cigs for him.. They want him to recover but they aren't taking the stress ( which I feel is a trigger) away... It sucks but there's nothing you can do. I know what it feels like to be in this situation. You didn't do anything wrong, you just want to help just as I do but I haven't talked to him in a month....
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I think a lot of your concerns are valid, but unless you have the right type of relationship with his parents then I don't know how they would take your comments. If they feel you are criticizing them, would they become defensive and shut down? Maybe small timely comments especially regarding the issue of going back to school might be a good idea, getting it out in the open for general discussion.
I don't know how long your boyfriend has been back at home living like this, but if it hasn't been too long, maybe he feels he needs that structure for his recovery right now. At least he is working, that gets him out of the house and will hopefully allow him to feel a sense of accomplishment, maybe that will ignite him to be a little more ambitious?
I had some issues with my husbands parents, not related to enabling, but other things during his recovery. For the most part, I kept quiet because I realized at some point the lessons were theirs to learn. I wouldn't have changed their mind about most things, and also my husband was the one who needed to work things out with them.
I don't know how long your boyfriend has been back at home living like this, but if it hasn't been too long, maybe he feels he needs that structure for his recovery right now. At least he is working, that gets him out of the house and will hopefully allow him to feel a sense of accomplishment, maybe that will ignite him to be a little more ambitious?
I had some issues with my husbands parents, not related to enabling, but other things during his recovery. For the most part, I kept quiet because I realized at some point the lessons were theirs to learn. I wouldn't have changed their mind about most things, and also my husband was the one who needed to work things out with them.
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Well, theres no rent here either btw. it's just a more independent living situation. I'm honestly still concerned but i don't think it's a good idea to tell him straight out.. i agree i might just leave random hints for him to motivate himself to do things in his life again. I don't think he does see his parents as that though, my dad has finished the 12 steps of his recovery and been in aa for 20 years. He is the one that mentioned it to me in the first place and that's what got me to thinking about it, i am not just some spiteful girlfriend that conceived this idea on my own. It was brought to my attention and i agreed with it. I do see changes in him, positive ones. They are slow though, and at times they regress. Yes, he's been back home for about two months btw which i'm completely aware of isn't a lot of time. I'm not asking for him to move back, truly i'm not. I am just trying to figure out how to let him see what i now see. I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel fenced up about the situation however. He's told me himself that his parents give him too much money for absolutely no reason, maybe i should just tell him to think about things like that when the situation arises. I am comfortable in my relationship, i know that this is something that we can work past and we are good for each other. My wording may suggest otherwise but i'm not really dependent on him, i just overthink things in my head at times. So it comes off as such in reality this isn't as big of an issue as it's been blown out to be and i've never actually mentioned it, it's just something i think about time to time. Thank you guys for the support though. 
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In my case, I've noticed this: whenever I perceive that I am the hero, the only one who knows what the right thing for everyone else to do is, that if everyone would just listen to me things would all be fine, I am demonstrating active codependency. It's like a little warning flag for myself - a canary in the mine - to alert me to the fact that I need to step back onto my own side of the street and get to cleaning. This happens with some regularity, I have a lot of cleaning yet to do.
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i want to tell my boyfriend i believe his parents enable him..
Are you trying to become codependent to the codependents too?
The only person you can fix and work on is you.
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I disagree with most of you in this thread
If I understand right, he is clean now and living with his parents?
I think it is an understandable reaction of parents that have an addict son that has just got clean that they try to be in a controlling position by holding him back – I am not sure it sensible, I am not sure it is harmful either if the purpose is to get him to be clean for some months, ff it is going on for years: sure. But for a couple of months - I could well choose to do that in this situation.
I think you can have opinions on how your loved ones live without be codependent, you can even intervene. The problem arises if it is paramount to your wellbeing that you get others to change their behavior.
How I understand it at least.
If I understand right, he is clean now and living with his parents?
I think it is an understandable reaction of parents that have an addict son that has just got clean that they try to be in a controlling position by holding him back – I am not sure it sensible, I am not sure it is harmful either if the purpose is to get him to be clean for some months, ff it is going on for years: sure. But for a couple of months - I could well choose to do that in this situation.
I think you can have opinions on how your loved ones live without be codependent, you can even intervene. The problem arises if it is paramount to your wellbeing that you get others to change their behavior.
How I understand it at least.
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Well, being co-dendant isn't my issue. In fact this isn't a huge deal to me, it's not something that is eating me up inside. I've actually been more than okay with this situation lately. I have a lot of people that support me, not just my boyfriend i have more people in my life than just him. It's just one of those food for thoughts kind of issues. I don't think that i'm always right.. especially because of how biased i am in this situation. This is why i haven't mentioned anything cuz yeah, i could just make it worse.. and that's the opposite of what i want.
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Originally Posted by amberrosejanusz 
Well, being co-dendant isn't my issue. In fact this isn't a huge deal to me, it's not something that is eating me up inside. I've actually been more than okay with this situation lately. I have a lot of people that support me, not just my boyfriend i have more people in my life than just him. It's just one of those food for thoughts kind of issues. I don't think that i'm always right.. especially because of how biased i am in this situation. This is why i haven't mentioned anything cuz yeah, i could just make it worse.. and that's the opposite of what i want.
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I think when look at someone else's situation and say, Hey this is where you are going wrong or what you should be doing better and I can help you. (Especially if they haven't asked your opinion.) That is already co dependant. It may not be eating you up now but years later it may very well make you crazy. It takes time for frustration to build up and they might be just fine with the arrangement. You'll know this if you watch for a while and notice they make no moves to change it even while often complaining about it.
Perhaps you can just decide now if you are happy and okay with everything as it is or not. If yes then go for it and build the relationship, if not then move along before you get too invested. It sounds to me like you have the where with all to make a well thought out choice at this point.
You won't have to be like some of us who get to the point where we are going nuts and can't stand it anymore ;0)
Perhaps you can just decide now if you are happy and okay with everything as it is or not. If yes then go for it and build the relationship, if not then move along before you get too invested. It sounds to me like you have the where with all to make a well thought out choice at this point.
You won't have to be like some of us who get to the point where we are going nuts and can't stand it anymore ;0)
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Well no, when he first went away... obviously i was distraught.. and it was very hard at first to get used to things. Normally his parents don't bother me, and he plans on moving back relatively soon. (whenever he starts to feel okay with himself) so i give it a few more months give or take. I'm not sure why he just randomly decided to drop the idea of going to school... his dad and i go to the same university actually.. they always talk about school to me but never mention it to him.. so i'm not too sure whats going on there. Like iv'e said though a couple times already, i'm not saying i'm necessarily right either.. because my opinion is so biased it doesn't seem fair to judge it.. that's why i was looking for an outsiders view cuz i don't want to do something based on an emotional opinion from me.. but from the feedback i've gotten and the time i have had to sit on this. i'm not going to be aggressive in my attempts to change him or the situation because it's not a destructive issue and i don't think it's necessary to bring it up if its not. Thank you for understanding though, i do still care about his well being and when i see unhealthy habits i think about it, which is what were talking about. I know it's only been a few months, i want him to find out things like this on his own if he can though... i feel like my influence might hurt the situation and if he can figure his own issues out then that would help him with his own recovery and his coping skills. Which is the exact issue i think he hasn't formed yet, which is probably why he's not noticing or acknowledging this. The thing is, i'm not going crazy.. i'm not upset or pissed off at us, him... or our relationship... i'm actually extremely happy with him. I know to be in a true relationship you have to be able to survive the rough patches and learn from them which is what i'm doing and even though his recovery and our relationship is not easy. It makes me happy that he's going through this because it gives both of us time to separately look at the world, and our relationship and everything in between objectively and through time it will make us stronger as individuals and as a team.
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