Another addict promise to be made and do I trust
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 188
Another addict promise to be made and do I trust
Hello...
My ABF is back into an active cycle of addiction. Today he says he is 4 days clean. Today he is meeting w/ men from his church to discuss the options of moving into one of the men's apartment attached to his house w/ the intention of getting clean and learning how to live w/o drugs.
He, up until now, has gone to rehab, has done meetings, has choosen and fired 3 sponsors from NA since July. He did his 4th step in July and went to read it to his sponsor - HIGH.
He freely admits, he wasn't ready to surrender then. It has supposedly been 4 days since his last use of cocaine. His usage is rapidly increasing in amounts with the days between decreasing. He is running out of money, taking title loans on his car and who knows what else.
I am in a 12 step recovery program for my own addiction. And I also attend Nar-anon both of which are invaluable.
There really isn't an inpatient program for him right now. He doesn't want an IOP program and sober living. His father, who is also his "business partner" doesn't agree with anything, doesn't admit his son has a disease and continues to PAY his son a huge salary to stay imprisoned in the business and in his addiction.
His dad is a huge enabler, they work together and he gets to do nothing, relaspse and continues to get paid. His dad is a real pain to this process.
Where does that leave me then...should he actually go to this man's house, the man has expressed that it will be like being in "jail" at least for a while. No outside contact. Which, one side of me says, thank GOD. He can focus on himself. My addict even said, so, maybe we will be able to write letters. And when he was in Navy when he was very young, he and his girlfriend back home wrote letters and it was a very nice time for him. This will take 1 year supposedly. I am only 60 days into my own program of recovery. about 40 days ago, my sponsor told me break it off with him. No contact until he was able to string together some sober time of real consequence...for both of our sakes. I didn't listen.
However,
I am 44 years old. No kids. Married briefly and then divorced. I am in the midst of my own program. So, should I be dating, no. Not really even him. So my addict mind thinks that I could back to using...not have to deal w/ my own issues and start dating again in hopes of landing "the one" who will save my life the way I wanted to badly to do for my addict and failed.
If he goes to this man's house and starts in on this "program" I am doubtful he will follow it to completion but, there is always hope.
And if he goes to this program, the pressure will be off of me for a while to deal w/ how his using impacts my life, my program.
If he goes to this program....I can't think of how lonely I could feel b/c that lonliness is NOTHING compared to the low feelings I get when he is out and using. But, I am going to feel lonley. And I will miss him.
If he goes to this program, he may get a second chance at a new life.
Today is the day...he gets to decide and start making his plans.
His dad and he are coming up to my town to visit an ill relative this weekend. I hope I get to see him sober and committed to a program. I am so tired of the lies.
His father things I am supplying him drugs. That I am the cause of him falling off the wagon and that I am root of all evil I think. I don't really know what he thinks so I could be making this up.
I hope he makes the right choice. And I pray that the help he is being given will be the help he needs. I Pray his higher power is working through him and these people...It has been enough time since his last use that he is probably feeling a little better, more cocksure and maybe he will back out b/c there really aren't consequences for his actions and I have seen by the idle threats to fire him of his father. And while I am detached w/ love and have set boudnaries they were not strong enough and he blew right through them with lies.
I hope he makes the right choice this time. I Know he has the power within him and the knowledge of the 12 steps and the program to recover. He has to want it. I want it. I so want it. I just want him back to my sober friend...the one w/ the recovery I so admired. The one who showed me the ways to the rooms and the lost it all over a cycle of using again...
Thanks for reading if you got this far...
My ABF is back into an active cycle of addiction. Today he says he is 4 days clean. Today he is meeting w/ men from his church to discuss the options of moving into one of the men's apartment attached to his house w/ the intention of getting clean and learning how to live w/o drugs.
He, up until now, has gone to rehab, has done meetings, has choosen and fired 3 sponsors from NA since July. He did his 4th step in July and went to read it to his sponsor - HIGH.
He freely admits, he wasn't ready to surrender then. It has supposedly been 4 days since his last use of cocaine. His usage is rapidly increasing in amounts with the days between decreasing. He is running out of money, taking title loans on his car and who knows what else.
I am in a 12 step recovery program for my own addiction. And I also attend Nar-anon both of which are invaluable.
There really isn't an inpatient program for him right now. He doesn't want an IOP program and sober living. His father, who is also his "business partner" doesn't agree with anything, doesn't admit his son has a disease and continues to PAY his son a huge salary to stay imprisoned in the business and in his addiction.
His dad is a huge enabler, they work together and he gets to do nothing, relaspse and continues to get paid. His dad is a real pain to this process.
Where does that leave me then...should he actually go to this man's house, the man has expressed that it will be like being in "jail" at least for a while. No outside contact. Which, one side of me says, thank GOD. He can focus on himself. My addict even said, so, maybe we will be able to write letters. And when he was in Navy when he was very young, he and his girlfriend back home wrote letters and it was a very nice time for him. This will take 1 year supposedly. I am only 60 days into my own program of recovery. about 40 days ago, my sponsor told me break it off with him. No contact until he was able to string together some sober time of real consequence...for both of our sakes. I didn't listen.
However,
I am 44 years old. No kids. Married briefly and then divorced. I am in the midst of my own program. So, should I be dating, no. Not really even him. So my addict mind thinks that I could back to using...not have to deal w/ my own issues and start dating again in hopes of landing "the one" who will save my life the way I wanted to badly to do for my addict and failed.
If he goes to this man's house and starts in on this "program" I am doubtful he will follow it to completion but, there is always hope.
And if he goes to this program, the pressure will be off of me for a while to deal w/ how his using impacts my life, my program.
If he goes to this program....I can't think of how lonely I could feel b/c that lonliness is NOTHING compared to the low feelings I get when he is out and using. But, I am going to feel lonley. And I will miss him.
If he goes to this program, he may get a second chance at a new life.
Today is the day...he gets to decide and start making his plans.
His dad and he are coming up to my town to visit an ill relative this weekend. I hope I get to see him sober and committed to a program. I am so tired of the lies.
His father things I am supplying him drugs. That I am the cause of him falling off the wagon and that I am root of all evil I think. I don't really know what he thinks so I could be making this up.
I hope he makes the right choice. And I pray that the help he is being given will be the help he needs. I Pray his higher power is working through him and these people...It has been enough time since his last use that he is probably feeling a little better, more cocksure and maybe he will back out b/c there really aren't consequences for his actions and I have seen by the idle threats to fire him of his father. And while I am detached w/ love and have set boudnaries they were not strong enough and he blew right through them with lies.
I hope he makes the right choice this time. I Know he has the power within him and the knowledge of the 12 steps and the program to recover. He has to want it. I want it. I so want it. I just want him back to my sober friend...the one w/ the recovery I so admired. The one who showed me the ways to the rooms and the lost it all over a cycle of using again...
Thanks for reading if you got this far...
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by hellomynameis 
I am 44 years old. No kids. Married briefly and then divorced. I am in the midst of my own program. So, should I be dating, no. Not really even him. So my addict mind thinks that I could back to using...not have to deal w/ my own issues and start dating again in hopes of landing "the one" who will save my life the way I wanted to badly to do for my addict and failed.
...
...
Let him focus on his program and you give yourself the love, respect, and dignity to focus on yours ~ YOU deserve it.
You deserve a healthy YOU regardless of what he does ~
Wishing you the best
pink hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I hope he makes the right choice. And I pray that the help he is being given will be the help he needs. I Pray his higher power is working through him and these people.
how about this instead...
I hope I make the right choices.
And I pray the I AM being given will be the help I need.
I pray to MY Higher Power that s/he works thru me and the people who I have met on MY journey to recovery.
do that. all else will work out. you can't hang your life on what someone else MIGHT do, even tho they have demonstrated nothing of the sort.
you are 44, now is the time to make this about YOU...instead of THEM.
how about this instead...
I hope I make the right choices.
And I pray the I AM being given will be the help I need.
I pray to MY Higher Power that s/he works thru me and the people who I have met on MY journey to recovery.
do that. all else will work out. you can't hang your life on what someone else MIGHT do, even tho they have demonstrated nothing of the sort.
you are 44, now is the time to make this about YOU...instead of THEM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 188
Anvil head....thank you i needed that. I dont' think I can do it. Not yet at least but I am going to have to.
ABF isn't going to that program suggested by his church and honestly not sure it was the right thing anyway.
That leaves me holding the bag for my serenity does it?
I am far too busy today to worry about this...work is crashing and I can fix it...if I just let myself.
ABF isn't going to that program suggested by his church and honestly not sure it was the right thing anyway.
That leaves me holding the bag for my serenity does it?
I am far too busy today to worry about this...work is crashing and I can fix it...if I just let myself.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by hellomynameis
Where does that leave me then...should he actually go to this man's house
.
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Sometimes its easier to see the faults and the solutions in others than to look inward with the same frankness.
hugs to you in your time of turmoil!
poo to enabling dad.
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