CPGirl84

This is what worries me about my currently clean AH. He was addicted to percocets (snorting) on and off for two years. He has been doing well for the past few months, longest good stretch since the addiction began. But he has never really admitted he had a problem. When he was using and lying about it, I know that he wouldn't admit it to me because he would have to then admit it to himself and acknowledge the need for change. What worries me is that to this day he brushes off anything that comes up related to his addiction as "in the past" or "I never actually SAID I did XYZ" even though he did. Makes me more worried a relapse is likely because he still hasn't really taken responsibility for anything that has happened. I don't know, just a vent, but anyone feel like they have been in a similar situation?

PhotoArtist

I can totally see why you are weary. The first step to recovery is admitting he has a problem and that he is powerless over his addiction. If he never admitted he has a problem, then he hasn't completed the very first step.

Remember, addiction isn't about the drug itself. It is about how the drug makes the addict feel, and there is some other underlying cause if he has used drugs to feel okay. Maybe he doesn't know why he used/abused drugs? Maybe he is too afraid to think about it? Maybe you can talk to him about why he started using in the first place. Maybe he will open up to you if you start there rather than focusing on the drug itself.

Good luck!

atalose

Denial is the foundation of addiction. My exbf used to minimize everything too then it turned to justifying always followed by relapse.

Certainly not to make anything worse or make you worry, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he was still using only hiding it better………time will tell.

My experience with pill addicts is that NO they cannot just stop all together not without some kind of outside intervention to help them learn new coping skills and healthier ways to approach life.

What they do learn is to manage it better, hide it better at least for a while until it truly has them in the grip again.

Time will tell, more will be revealed.

CPGirl84

I honestly don't think he is using right now. And I have known right away (even if it's taken weeks or months to validate my suspicions) when he is using. He isn't right now. But I worry anyway about when it will happen again. Each time he relapsed he hid it better you're right, but I always saw through it.

If I talk to him about why or how it all started he blames me. Every time. If I didn't "expect so much of him". If I didn't bitch and moan and nag so much. If I was more supportive he would never have done it in the first place. He's been clean for months now and is still acting like early recovery half the time. I hate to say something like this but at least when he was using he had more energy and would do things around the house etc. Hell he just mowed the yard the other day after TWO months of putting it off. I come home everyday to him napping on the couch (he gets off of work 2-3 hours before me). Then of course since he's so tired and worn out from work, he can't do anything all evening. Before he would have had a pill and perked up or something. (His addiction was never "huge" maybe 5-6 of the small percs a day at most so one did a lot for him). I guess lately I just feel like even though he's clean now I'm just done, but I feel like I can't just "leave".

wiscsober

CPGirl84

I hope you are doing well...

are you working some type of recovery program?

You may want to check out Naranon along with SR.

My concerns are more for you.

Peace always.

overit263

I'm divorcing my AH, and he still won't admit to what he's done. He hasn't even been living where he said he was and now he's saying he's getting a lawyer since he now knows I have one. He thinks that assets will be divided(uhm what's really left after they pawn everything??). Still trying to make my life a nightmare. Point is, they can be really mean and nasty when they are in denial. Make sure to protect yourself. They do things you never thought they are capable of.

CPGirl84

Full disclosure my AH was and always has been "not the greatest". We have been together for 11 years and he has only battled addiction the past two years, but before that was very controlling, emotionally and verbally abusive, etc. While he is not physically abusive he is very manipulative. The drug addiction just added a new dimension to the hardness of the relationship. Since getting clean he has changed. He actually somehow after years and years treats me better than he ever has, despite my worrying about the addiction being what is stressing me out. But too much has happened I think and I'm finally realizing that I Just can't do it anymore.

overit263

Stay strong. The best time to get out of it is when you know you've had enough- I have no regrets. I told mine that if it happened a second time, we had to divorce. Now he's getting nasty because I filed even though he abandoned everything. I was like a lot of people here the first time I went through this with him. I wanted to be supportive because he seemed remorseful etc. but I knew the joy had been sucked out of me. You know your limits and always trust your gut.

CPGirl84

That's exactly how I feel. I want to be supportive because finally, after sticking it out so many years, improvements have been made, he treats me different, you can tell his attitude towards me has changed by leaps and bounds (though not perfect) from where it was before. But yes the joy has been sucked out of me. I have poured myself into the relationship and him and I just have nothing left. I suppose a part of me sits and waits for him to relapse as a way to "get out". Not that I want him too, and he is doing better than he has in two years, but like if it happens, that's my out without seeming like I am leaving when "things are finally good." I'm just exhausted today, in so many ways. Thanks for listening

overit263

Sometimes the scars of their past actions run too deep. One person has different boundaries from another. I ask myself things like "even if he wasn't an addict, would his actions of lying, stealing etc. be acceptable? The answer for me is no. Some people see those things differently though. Someone had a great post here on splitting the addict and how you have to accept all of them. To me being alone is better than compromising my own values of honesty, loyalty and being trustworthy. Our friends that are in recovery told me "no one will blame you if you leave" and that meant more to me from an addict in recovery than from someone that has never needed to be in recovery. I struggled a lot with breaking the vows of marriage, but he's the one that broke them with all the addicts actions that come with using.

AnvilheadII

you can leave at any time for any reason. you are not remanded to a life sentence and you don't have to wait for bad things to happen first. even tho things have "gotten better" from what you describe, it's still not a fulfilling life enhancing place for you.

you are FREE to make decisions that are in YOUR OWN best interests. if you choose to stay for now, own that. if you want to leave, own that as well.

PhotoArtist

it sounds like you have been ready to end the relationship for a while. Now, you are emotionally exhausted, you have nothing left to give. I know the feeling all too well.

Please do not stay in a relationship because you feel like you should. You aren't a bad person for wanting to be happy, completely happy. And you are not very happy, are you?

Sometimes relationships don't work out. It's that simple. If you wait for him to screw up in order get out, you may be waiting a long time if he really is clean. Are you willing to sacrifice your happiness so people won't see you as the "bad guy"?