CPGirl84

Hello all. My boyfriend (silly as that sounds, we have been together for 11 years and have 2 kids just aren't married) has struggled with opiate (pain pill) addiction on and off for about two years now. He has been doing well, and taking very small amounts of suboxone (about a quarter or less of an 8 mg strip) most days to help and off pills except for one slip since about July of this year. He did two pills (percs) once a few weeks ago. I knew immediately and he denied it over and over. Because of all that has happened in the past yes I do watch him closely and covertly and do notice when 10 bucks is unaccounted for. I'm sure I'm not alone in that. It's just hard because he wants me to basically forget that he ever had a problem since he is "better now." This is something we dealt with for most of two years on and off, but more on, and now finally he IS doing better but it's still fresh and still a struggle. He is completely against any type of counseling with me or going to NA and he doesn't like to talk about things. Makes it hard. Anyway, that's why I am here so thank you for reading!

CPGirl84

He DID eventually come clean about the pills he took the one day last month and I asked him again to please be honest with me if he has any problems or slips because it hurts worse to be lied to. I still shudder at all the lies he has fed me over the years, I always knew.

pravchaw

I don't think monitoring our loved one does any good, and raises our stress level. His recovery is his, yours in yours. You cannot change him but you can change your self. If you can attend Nar-Anon/Al-anon or other family group meetings, it will be a huge help to you.

CPGirl84

I know, I actually mentioned going to an Al-Anon type meeting and he seemed OK with the idea for me even though he has zero interest in that sort of thing for himself. His attitude is suck it up and try not to have any more problems and don't talk about it. Which makes it hard for me. It's hard not to monitor things though because I have been doing it for so long.

isitme

Hi CPGirl- Welcome to SR (Stickies at the top are great resources)

I would try the Al-Anon, especially if you don't think it will cause havoc between the two of you. I just recently started going and it seems to help a lot. I don't really know how, but I just feel more clear headed and able. I have very much the same situation minus one year. (10 years, 2 kids, not married) I just call him AH because it's so much easier to explain LOL.

I know what you mean about the lying. I don't really monitor his drinking but I notice lies about little things that don't make any sense. He's been doing it since the beginning of time and I should have taken it as a red flag. Years ago he would say he was doing it to test me. See my reaction.. he would laugh if off like a little joke. I never should have fallen for that. That statement really was the truth. (How much will she take, how far can I push her, where are her boundaries) To which he got all the answers he needed.

So now it's not him I really worry about anymore it's the kids. What are they learning from this dance we do. Is there hope? Or should I cut the loss and start over? I still don't know the answer so I'm just waiting, listening and learning. When the time is right, the answer will come. How do you feel about your kids in this situation?

I hope you can find some distance from the monitoring.. I used to think it helped me, but now I see that it hurts me more than anything. For instance.. just today. He needed me to print some paperwork. Now I didn't have to do it at all, but since it's not a big hindrance I did. But it was bank statements. We've never had joined accounts since we are not married. Well.. what do you think was in there? Of course oodles of trips to bars that I had no idea about!! I snooped far enough to see that.. but I stopped myself at adding it all up. Why? Because that information does me no good. If I throw it in his face, then I'm snooping. If I get resentful and hurt over all the money spent that should be else where, it's not bringing the money back. If I get peeved about how much he goes but I had NO IDEA.. well that's really not me focusing on me and is doing all the things I told him that I wouldn't take from him anymore. So I noticed and that's that, I wish I said no to printing the stuff and never had the chance to see it at all.

CPGirl84

Because that information does me no good. If I throw it in his face, then I'm snooping. If I get resentful and hurt over all the money spent that should be else where, it's not bringing the money back.

Thanks for the post and sympathetic perspective. I know the above when I'm thinking clearly but have to remind myself of it when I get anxious. I feel that my kids are getting too old to be "in the dark" of all this, especially my daughter who is very bright and almost 5. I will support hubby (easier to say that yes lol) in his recovery but not in another relapse. That being said I have hope. Things are better than they have been in years. But it's the always waiting for the other shoe to drop, if it does, that makes day to day life hard.

hellomynameis

You really can get help at Nar-Anon as well. There are fewer of those around but I have also found those meetings of help too.