Ex Fiance Relapsed & Left
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 96
Ex Fiance Relapsed & Left
Hi All,
After much thought, I finally decided to post on here in hopes of getting some advice from those who have already experienced or are experiencing what I'm about to talk about...
My ex fiance and I were together for a little less than a year. We both worked together ( he was my boss and his family owns the company ). When I first started working there, I knew he was going to be the one. We often made eye contact but never once said anything to each other. Eventually, it led to us hanging out and then dating. When we started dating, he mentioned he has had problems with drugs because of his inability to sleep. Growing up, he has always had a problem sleeping. When he got into high school, someone introduced him to marijuana. It led to so many other drugs that I didn't bother asking about because I assumed he was over it and that it was just a part of his past. We covered some fundamentals before we became serious. He said he could never be around alcohol because a few years ago, he was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol/drugs. It involved a paramedic being dragged by his car and now it's turned into a court case. He's waiting for the final ruling which should be in a few months. He expressed a lot of remorse for what had happened. He went on to inform me that he's had 4 relapses since his parents caught him doing drugs and that the last time was in 2011.....
Throughout our relationship, everything was amazing. He was very protective and a complete sweetheart. We spent almost every single day together. I would get home from work and prepare dinner for him. After dinner, we would cuddle and watch a movie together. On the weekends, we would go on a date or go spend time with his family. There was never a dull moment in our relationship. In July, after visiting his family, he came home and proposed to me. He said he couldn't wait any longer and that he wanted our life to start as soon as possible. I was beyond ecstatic. I was the happiest girl alive. After two weeks or so, he started detaching himself from work. He didn't seem to care as much about work and was distant toward me. I couldn't figure out why. I just thought he was so run down from working so much. Summers are usually the busiest for him because it's harvest time. I remember a couple days before I found out he was doing spice, he went home from work. He said he felt the flu coming and that he had diarrhea. I didn't think much of it. I visited him after work but he was so quick to push me away. He barely let me stay there for 10 mins before pushing me to go because he didn't want me to catch whatever he was having. He went home mon & tues. So by Wednesday, he was all better and we went to go take our engagement pictures. I didn't think anything was wrong at all. he seemed normal. That day, we were supposed to stay the night but we ended up going home because he said he had so much work to catch up on from the prior 2 days that he had spent at home. I thought it was odd because he would never pass up an opportunity to spend with his family but then again, work is very important for him as well. So we ended up driving home. On the drive home, he asked me if he would ever disappoint me. and I said no sweetheart, you are too amazing to ever disappoint me. and he held my hand and said that I meant everything to him and that he loved me more than anything in this world.
The next day we went to work and everything seemed normal. He had left work early to go meet with a customer and was going to go straight to class. After work, I went home. We were texting back and forth and he had told me that he was going to leave work early.
I know this is really long. but to cut the story short, i found out he was doing spice and his parents ended up taking him home to their house to detox for two weeks. when he came back, everything seemed different. He told me that he was so sorry for putting me through this and that we would come out of this stronger than ever. We did not spend much time together when he came back. It was almost as if he was a different person. A week after he came back, he wanted us to take some time to evaluate the situation. That weekend, he ended up breaking off everything. He said that i had nothing to with this and that he didn't want to drag me down with him because this is the 5th time hes' relapsed and this is his last chance at life. If he can't get it right this time, he doesn't deserve to live. He also said that he wants to give me the ring when he's a better man. He wants to be able to care of me but right now he's mentally weak and he can't even take care of himself... he kissed me what seemed like 100 times and then we parted....
I ended up staying home from work for a week..and when i came back, he seemed normal. he was distant with me and i didn't say much to him. There was awkwardness between us. A month after the break up, i decided to drive over to his house to talk tohim.. and he kept telling me he wasn't ready and that he didn't want to do this right now. i asked him why he was doing this and if it was something he wanted or if it's something someone else wanted..he didn't say anything. a week and a half later, he let me go from work. I made a mistake but it wasn't big enough that he had to let me go... What does this mean? How could he want to marry me and then just let me go so easily? He even bought a house for "us." We made so many plans for our future. We were supposed to get married at the end of this year... everything was set. I am in shock that this is happening right now...
what do you guys think of this? Is he really over it?
After much thought, I finally decided to post on here in hopes of getting some advice from those who have already experienced or are experiencing what I'm about to talk about...
My ex fiance and I were together for a little less than a year. We both worked together ( he was my boss and his family owns the company ). When I first started working there, I knew he was going to be the one. We often made eye contact but never once said anything to each other. Eventually, it led to us hanging out and then dating. When we started dating, he mentioned he has had problems with drugs because of his inability to sleep. Growing up, he has always had a problem sleeping. When he got into high school, someone introduced him to marijuana. It led to so many other drugs that I didn't bother asking about because I assumed he was over it and that it was just a part of his past. We covered some fundamentals before we became serious. He said he could never be around alcohol because a few years ago, he was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol/drugs. It involved a paramedic being dragged by his car and now it's turned into a court case. He's waiting for the final ruling which should be in a few months. He expressed a lot of remorse for what had happened. He went on to inform me that he's had 4 relapses since his parents caught him doing drugs and that the last time was in 2011.....
Throughout our relationship, everything was amazing. He was very protective and a complete sweetheart. We spent almost every single day together. I would get home from work and prepare dinner for him. After dinner, we would cuddle and watch a movie together. On the weekends, we would go on a date or go spend time with his family. There was never a dull moment in our relationship. In July, after visiting his family, he came home and proposed to me. He said he couldn't wait any longer and that he wanted our life to start as soon as possible. I was beyond ecstatic. I was the happiest girl alive. After two weeks or so, he started detaching himself from work. He didn't seem to care as much about work and was distant toward me. I couldn't figure out why. I just thought he was so run down from working so much. Summers are usually the busiest for him because it's harvest time. I remember a couple days before I found out he was doing spice, he went home from work. He said he felt the flu coming and that he had diarrhea. I didn't think much of it. I visited him after work but he was so quick to push me away. He barely let me stay there for 10 mins before pushing me to go because he didn't want me to catch whatever he was having. He went home mon & tues. So by Wednesday, he was all better and we went to go take our engagement pictures. I didn't think anything was wrong at all. he seemed normal. That day, we were supposed to stay the night but we ended up going home because he said he had so much work to catch up on from the prior 2 days that he had spent at home. I thought it was odd because he would never pass up an opportunity to spend with his family but then again, work is very important for him as well. So we ended up driving home. On the drive home, he asked me if he would ever disappoint me. and I said no sweetheart, you are too amazing to ever disappoint me. and he held my hand and said that I meant everything to him and that he loved me more than anything in this world.
The next day we went to work and everything seemed normal. He had left work early to go meet with a customer and was going to go straight to class. After work, I went home. We were texting back and forth and he had told me that he was going to leave work early.
I know this is really long. but to cut the story short, i found out he was doing spice and his parents ended up taking him home to their house to detox for two weeks. when he came back, everything seemed different. He told me that he was so sorry for putting me through this and that we would come out of this stronger than ever. We did not spend much time together when he came back. It was almost as if he was a different person. A week after he came back, he wanted us to take some time to evaluate the situation. That weekend, he ended up breaking off everything. He said that i had nothing to with this and that he didn't want to drag me down with him because this is the 5th time hes' relapsed and this is his last chance at life. If he can't get it right this time, he doesn't deserve to live. He also said that he wants to give me the ring when he's a better man. He wants to be able to care of me but right now he's mentally weak and he can't even take care of himself... he kissed me what seemed like 100 times and then we parted....
I ended up staying home from work for a week..and when i came back, he seemed normal. he was distant with me and i didn't say much to him. There was awkwardness between us. A month after the break up, i decided to drive over to his house to talk tohim.. and he kept telling me he wasn't ready and that he didn't want to do this right now. i asked him why he was doing this and if it was something he wanted or if it's something someone else wanted..he didn't say anything. a week and a half later, he let me go from work. I made a mistake but it wasn't big enough that he had to let me go... What does this mean? How could he want to marry me and then just let me go so easily? He even bought a house for "us." We made so many plans for our future. We were supposed to get married at the end of this year... everything was set. I am in shock that this is happening right now...
what do you guys think of this? Is he really over it?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he sounds pretty over it from what you have described!!! first off, the relapse....the repeated relapsing. that's what you had in store for you if you stuck around. then there was his position of authority over you, as your boss - which gave him the ability to dispose of you when he didn't want you around anymore. and the un-engagement. to me, it doesn't sound like he knows WHAT in the hell he wants....and he isn't capable of making commitments.
i'd like to go back to the first part of your post....where you said you KNEW he was THE ONE. well, no he wasn't. we can only monitor and change our own thinking, choices and behaviors. to mark someone as THE ONE before even knowing them at all is a dangerous path to take. to be engaged to be married in under a year is moving pretty fast....it takes a lot of TIME to get to know someone. LOTS of time.
live and learn i guess?
i'd like to go back to the first part of your post....where you said you KNEW he was THE ONE. well, no he wasn't. we can only monitor and change our own thinking, choices and behaviors. to mark someone as THE ONE before even knowing them at all is a dangerous path to take. to be engaged to be married in under a year is moving pretty fast....it takes a lot of TIME to get to know someone. LOTS of time.
live and learn i guess?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 96
AnvilheadII,
Thank you for your response.
I thought him breaking off the engagement was just a way of him dedicating himself to his recovery. he made it seem like he was so determined to recover and heal from all of this.
I didn't pressure him into getting engaged at all. When he proposed, I was shocked. I thought that this was it. I thought this was happily ever after.
How can someone have a change of heart so fast? I mean it all happened in the span of 1 month. Did he ever love me at all?
Thank you for your response.
I thought him breaking off the engagement was just a way of him dedicating himself to his recovery. he made it seem like he was so determined to recover and heal from all of this.
I didn't pressure him into getting engaged at all. When he proposed, I was shocked. I thought that this was it. I thought this was happily ever after.
How can someone have a change of heart so fast? I mean it all happened in the span of 1 month. Did he ever love me at all?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
You sound very young, and I'm sorry for this hard experience you've gone through. People on the forum are of all different ages and in different stages of life. Those who are under 30 are very different and have different responses to relationships, pain, hope, than those over 30. And those over 50 are very different from those under 50, for passing through the stages of life has a profound effect on how we handle both love and the death of all things, including relationships.
Your experience is the basic experience of relationship with a drug addict. There is a romantic high followed by shock and disbelief when the addict suddenly checks out of the relationship. But when someone is young, as you are, and also has no experience of addicts and is essentially an innocent, then not only is there the stunning loss of innocence but there is often as well a complete loss of self-esteem.
So what I want to tell you is he is a classic drug addict. Your experience with him is a very common one. And because addicts are always chasing the next high, you just could not keep him on that dopamine cloud. Early flirtation and romance and big plans are real dopamine boosters. But no one can sustain that high.
My guess is that all that talk about having to repair his life, etc. is just more addict lying to get what he really wants: a better high.
You placed qualities on him which were not his. They were from your heart. This is what happens when we fall in love with someone. But when that someone is an addict, the cold shock of reality is devastating when we finally know the truth.
If you can, see a counselor, and talk about yourself, and find some healing.
Your experience is the basic experience of relationship with a drug addict. There is a romantic high followed by shock and disbelief when the addict suddenly checks out of the relationship. But when someone is young, as you are, and also has no experience of addicts and is essentially an innocent, then not only is there the stunning loss of innocence but there is often as well a complete loss of self-esteem.
So what I want to tell you is he is a classic drug addict. Your experience with him is a very common one. And because addicts are always chasing the next high, you just could not keep him on that dopamine cloud. Early flirtation and romance and big plans are real dopamine boosters. But no one can sustain that high.
My guess is that all that talk about having to repair his life, etc. is just more addict lying to get what he really wants: a better high.
You placed qualities on him which were not his. They were from your heart. This is what happens when we fall in love with someone. But when that someone is an addict, the cold shock of reality is devastating when we finally know the truth.
If you can, see a counselor, and talk about yourself, and find some healing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 96
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden 
You sound very young, and I'm sorry for this hard experience you've gone through. People on the forum are of all different ages and in different stages of life. Those who are under 30 are very different and have different responses to relationships, pain, hope, than those over 30. And those over 50 are very different from those under 50, for passing through the stages of life has a profound effect on how we handle both love and the death of all things, including relationships.
Your experience is the basic experience of relationship with a drug addict. There is a romantic high followed by shock and disbelief when the addict suddenly checks out of the relationship. But when someone is young, as you are, and also has no experience of addicts and is essentially an innocent, then not only is there the stunning loss of innocence but there is often as well a complete loss of self-esteem.
So what I want to tell you is he is a classic drug addict. Your experience with him is a very common one. And because addicts are always chasing the next high, you just could not keep him on that dopamine cloud. Early flirtation and romance and big plans are real dopamine boosters. But no one can sustain that high.
My guess is that all that talk about having to repair his life, etc. is just more addict lying to get what he really wants: a better high.
You placed qualities on him which were not his. They were from your heart. This is what happens when we fall in love with someone. But when that someone is an addict, the cold shock of reality is devastating when we finally know the truth.
If you can, see a counselor, and talk about yourself, and find some healing.
Your experience is the basic experience of relationship with a drug addict. There is a romantic high followed by shock and disbelief when the addict suddenly checks out of the relationship. But when someone is young, as you are, and also has no experience of addicts and is essentially an innocent, then not only is there the stunning loss of innocence but there is often as well a complete loss of self-esteem.
So what I want to tell you is he is a classic drug addict. Your experience with him is a very common one. And because addicts are always chasing the next high, you just could not keep him on that dopamine cloud. Early flirtation and romance and big plans are real dopamine boosters. But no one can sustain that high.
My guess is that all that talk about having to repair his life, etc. is just more addict lying to get what he really wants: a better high.
You placed qualities on him which were not his. They were from your heart. This is what happens when we fall in love with someone. But when that someone is an addict, the cold shock of reality is devastating when we finally know the truth.
If you can, see a counselor, and talk about yourself, and find some healing.
I am young. I'm in my mid twenties. People are telling me that I dodged the bullet but I still feel a lot of hurt from all of this. I honestly thought we were going to get married and have a happy life together and that his addiction was just a part of history.
So I was just part of his high? I wasn't fulfilling so he moved to the next thing? Do you think that him pushing me away is his technique of not wanting to be held accountable? Do you think pushing me away is giving him more time to perhaps do more spice?
There's really no chance of him ever coming back? you don't think he would realize how ****** up he's been ? I just don't understand how it's not bothering him that we are not together right now when I was his everything he said.
I have been trying to get some counseling but I feel it doesn't help me much because in the end, I still feel what I feel.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Silentlove, English Garden makes a good point. Your trust has been betrayed, and it will take some time for you to get past the hurt. Therapy might not make you stop feeling sad, but you might at least be able to think in therapy about what you value in a relationship so that you can choose your next boyfriend carefully. You seem to be a bit of a romantic. I know how that is. I have been in relationships where I got *that feeling* about someone and it was very hard for me to let go, even when they treated me badly and showed they weren't trustworthy. It's easy to get swept away by feelings. But don't you think that the way a person treats you is just as important as how you feel about them? If he has broken up with you and fired you from your job, then he might not be the one after all. Feelings can change, and that's OK. Hugs!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
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The suggestion about counseling was so you would have someone there to hear you as you sort out your thoughts. What happens after an experience like yours is the mind tends to obsess, to go over and over events in the past, to wonder what will happen next, and it isn't easy to be alone with that kind of internal turmoil. And friends...they have limited ability to sustain the focus you need around this. A counselor can be fully present to you, and over time, you find your own internal understanding. It is good to have someone there who understands how deep the loss is and also is willing to allow us as long as it takes to find a place of acceptance and peace. Other people can be impatient with us, and there is nothing lonelier than feeling pain and feeling misunderstood at the same time.
Yes: you were part of his high. Yes: in active addiction addicts seek constant stimulation of the pleasure center of the brain, so he is always stalking the next high, and always trying to get one more powerful than the last. Yes: pushing you away was also because he wants complete freedom to do whatever thrills him. Yes: being away from you gives him plenty room to do more spice, and he's happy about that.
There is a very GOOD chance he will come back. Addicts are famous for looping back to their last relationship when they are feeling a need for some coddling and some sympathy. No: he will not realize how ******up he is for a long time. Addiction gives the addict a sense of invincibility and specialness.
You were not "everything he said." You are more than he said or could see.
And there is no other way to feel than how you are feeling right now. No matter how many people may say to you that you dodged a bullet, your body and your soul remembers the experience of the sweet hours, and it is those you so desperately ache for. You want that back, and the person he was during those hours.
What most here could tell you is that you did not have enough time with him to accumulate an ocean of misery from his hurting you again and again. Had you been with him a really long time--as have many here with an addict--and had you been brought to your knees a thousand times--as has happened to many here--then it would be painful to let go but at least you would have a thousand terrible memories to push you forward, away from him.
I think he will be back. I know that's what you pray for. But if you do not get some serious help for yourself, his return will be just be another deeply painful episode, and the more he chisels away at your self-esteem, the more work you will have to do to rebuild it.
Yes: you were part of his high. Yes: in active addiction addicts seek constant stimulation of the pleasure center of the brain, so he is always stalking the next high, and always trying to get one more powerful than the last. Yes: pushing you away was also because he wants complete freedom to do whatever thrills him. Yes: being away from you gives him plenty room to do more spice, and he's happy about that.
There is a very GOOD chance he will come back. Addicts are famous for looping back to their last relationship when they are feeling a need for some coddling and some sympathy. No: he will not realize how ******up he is for a long time. Addiction gives the addict a sense of invincibility and specialness.
You were not "everything he said." You are more than he said or could see.
And there is no other way to feel than how you are feeling right now. No matter how many people may say to you that you dodged a bullet, your body and your soul remembers the experience of the sweet hours, and it is those you so desperately ache for. You want that back, and the person he was during those hours.
What most here could tell you is that you did not have enough time with him to accumulate an ocean of misery from his hurting you again and again. Had you been with him a really long time--as have many here with an addict--and had you been brought to your knees a thousand times--as has happened to many here--then it would be painful to let go but at least you would have a thousand terrible memories to push you forward, away from him.
I think he will be back. I know that's what you pray for. But if you do not get some serious help for yourself, his return will be just be another deeply painful episode, and the more he chisels away at your self-esteem, the more work you will have to do to rebuild it.
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Hi SilentLove, I feel outraged about the way he's behaved, which was cowardly and self-serving. I don't doubt he loved you at one point but his actions since then have given you a glimpse into his character. I'm feeling this strongly because it's happened in a similar way to me in the past.
If he comes back and you accept him, it will never be the same again because you KNOW. It's a slow process, but work actively to recover from this. Make yourself into a stronger wiser and more dignified person. I have no doubt he will regret losing you, but it won't matter to you because you are out of his reach.
It does get easier, but you have to work at it even though your heart is breaking.
If he comes back and you accept him, it will never be the same again because you KNOW. It's a slow process, but work actively to recover from this. Make yourself into a stronger wiser and more dignified person. I have no doubt he will regret losing you, but it won't matter to you because you are out of his reach.
It does get easier, but you have to work at it even though your heart is breaking.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
EnglishGarden, I wish you could have been my counselor. SR is lucky to have you. 
SilentLove, it was hard for me to accept that I could have been someone's high. That one always hurt. It made me question whether everything my xabf ever said to me was a lie. Did he really love me? Was I not all those things he said I was? Was I not his world, his everything? I know now (after way too many relapses-breakups-getting back together cycles) that he did love me. No doubt about it. He just loved his alcohol and marijuana more. It didn't make me less valuable. In fact, he knew (still knows) that I'm pretty freaking amazing but the addictions--to him--are more freaking amazing.
Please stick around here. Please keep reading, lots and then lots more. I'm afraid EnglishGarden is right. Your prayers will probably be answered and he will come back. If so, you'll need to be armed with knowledge of the disease of addiction and knowledge of yourself (this is so important). Find out before then what you really want...for yourself, for your future. If he doesn't come back, it will be a blessing. I know it hurts to imagine life without him, but the pain will go away. Really, it will.
Work on yourself, learn about you, learn what allowed you to ignore the red flags of a relationship with an addict. Learn about addiction. Stick around. There is so much wisdom here and we care about you.
SilentLove, it was hard for me to accept that I could have been someone's high. That one always hurt. It made me question whether everything my xabf ever said to me was a lie. Did he really love me? Was I not all those things he said I was? Was I not his world, his everything? I know now (after way too many relapses-breakups-getting back together cycles) that he did love me. No doubt about it. He just loved his alcohol and marijuana more. It didn't make me less valuable. In fact, he knew (still knows) that I'm pretty freaking amazing
but the addictions--to him--are more freaking amazing.Please stick around here. Please keep reading, lots and then lots more. I'm afraid EnglishGarden is right. Your prayers will probably be answered and he will come back. If so, you'll need to be armed with knowledge of the disease of addiction and knowledge of yourself (this is so important). Find out before then what you really want...for yourself, for your future. If he doesn't come back, it will be a blessing. I know it hurts to imagine life without him, but the pain will go away. Really, it will.
Work on yourself, learn about you, learn what allowed you to ignore the red flags of a relationship with an addict. Learn about addiction. Stick around. There is so much wisdom here and we care about you.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
It led to so many other drugs that I didn't bother asking about because I assumed he was over it and that it was just a part of his past. We covered some fundamentals before we became serious.
This was the same thing with my husband, he told me about prior use that ended up being very serious, but I thought it was all in the past, and never thought he would relapse, even though he told me before we got serious that he could.
Throughout our relationship, everything was amazing. He was very protective and a complete sweetheart. We spent almost every single day together. I would get home from work and prepare dinner for him. After dinner, we would cuddle and watch a movie together. On the weekends, we would go on a date or go spend time with his family.
My husband and I have been married a few years and everything seemed perfect to me, until he relapsed.
After two weeks or so, he started detaching himself from work. He didn't seem to care as much about work and was distant toward me. I couldn't figure out why. I just thought he was so run down from working so much. I visited him after work but he was so quick to push me away. He barely let me stay there for 10 mins before pushing me to go because he didn't want me to catch whatever he was having.
When my husband relapsed, I didn’t know it. He hid it for almost two months from not just me but his friends, parents, people at work. He seemed distant, and was working a lot more, not home as much and part of it wasn’t work but I didn’t know it. He was pushing me away to hide what he was doing, and because its not something he was proud of, knew it would hurt us if I found out. (or he was afraid it would)
On the drive home, he asked me if he would ever disappoint me. and I said no sweetheart, you are too amazing to ever disappoint me. and he held my hand and said that I meant everything to him and that he loved me more than anything in this world.
There were times this was going on that my husband said things like this to me, how much he loved me, and all the things we had to look forward to in the future. I think he was trying to convince himself everything was ok, I dont doubt he loved me, and I dont think he ever meant to hurt me.
I know this is really long. but to cut the story short, i found out he was doing spice and his parents ended up taking him home to their house to detox for two weeks. when he came back, everything seemed different. He told me that he was so sorry for putting me through this and that we would come out of this stronger than ever. We did not spend much time together when he came back. It was almost as if he was a different person. A week after he came back, he wanted us to take some time to evaluate the situation. That weekend, he ended up breaking off everything. He said that i had nothing to with this and that he didn't want to drag me down with him because this is the 5th time hes' relapsed and this is his last chance at life. If he can't get it right this time, he doesn't deserve to live. He also said that he wants to give me the ring when he's a better man. He wants to be able to care of me but right now he's mentally weak and he can't even take care of himself... he kissed me what seemed like 100 times and then we parted....
My husband ended up very sick from a run of cocaine and heroin. He was missing for days, and his friends found him totally out of it. He had to be hospitalized for almost two weeks. They detoxed him in the hospital while he was there for infections and other things. He was not mentally stable, or emotionally stable. He would tell me how much he loved me one minute, then talk about how he had relapsed again and he had promised himself if it ever happened again it would be the last time because he didn’t want to live for it to happen again. He said I needed to leave him, divorce him, and he was dead serious.Then he would say I wasnt on his side because I thought he should get help in rehab and he wanted to come home ! All this continued even after he went into rehab. The drugs do a number on the brain, and the mess with the serotonin, dopamine. The rehab doctors explained how areas of the brain that get affected are like reasoning, emotions. It all makes sense when they explain it, and this is why addiction is called a disease. The way the drugs work it alters the brain, and although it heals its always more likely to crave the drug and the high it felt, the increase in those brain chemicals. It takes a long time for the body to fix the chemical levels and it causes all these mood disorders. Im not trying to say all this happened exactly to your fiancé, but it sure sounds a lot like what happened to us.
What does this mean? How could he want to marry me and then just let me go so easily? He even bought a house for "us." We made so many plans for our future. We were supposed to get married at the end of this year... everything was set. I am in shock that this is happening right now... what do you guys think of this? Is he really over it?
You would know better his feelings, but from what Ive learned it doesn’t sound like he was playing you for a year with all that went on. If he wanted a high, he would have used drugs not you. We are no match for drugs and we shouldn’t be. I think he has fallout from ending the drugs, messed up thoughts and feelings. The other big thing I have learned is the drug use is linked (in my husbands case) to false beliefs he has had about himself for years. Things like even though he is successful in his career, he never feels good enough. Before he relapsed, there were all these things going on in his work and triggers, opportunity. The high from the drugs made all those feelings of failure and stuff go away. Emotions can be hard to deal with and they have to learn how without relapsing.
I may be blabbering too much, but I saw a lot of parallels in what I have recently went through, thought it might help you to hear about it. My husband is feeling a lot better now, and thinking clearer. It was like a few weeks ago this light came back to his eyes and he was back. His parents told me that I didn’t know him when the switch got flipped and they were right. It was shocking to me.
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It's all so true, what everyone has said already. It's taken me these last ten months to "get over" my four year relationship with my "soul mate" and I'm still not completely over him. I did the "did he ever really love me" thing etc., but what really matters is that, if he came back all shiny and new and clean, all the lies, manipulations and mistrust would still be there for me. And I'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop and him relapse again (my exabf is a chronic heroin relapser). I know he loves me, still does, but he loves escaping with drugs more and I wont stand in the way of him hitting his bottom anymore.
I might suggest you try going to Alanon or Naranon so you can be around other people who have been through what you're going through. Listening to them share about how they got past where you are now helps, as well as your sharing how you feel. Good luck to you. I know how hard bad it feels and how confused you might feel.
I might suggest you try going to Alanon or Naranon so you can be around other people who have been through what you're going through. Listening to them share about how they got past where you are now helps, as well as your sharing how you feel. Good luck to you. I know how hard bad it feels and how confused you might feel.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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JJJ111,
English Garden makes a good point. My trust has definitely been betrayed, but I am in the obsession stage where I still question everything that's happened and whether or not he will come back. I am a romantic and once I have fully devoted/committed myself, I will fight til there is nothing left to fight for. I am not one to give up easily. In this case, it may seem hopeless to fight for him when he's not even a part of my life anymore. As a matter of fact, he's completely written me off. Whether he is the one or not, only time can tell right? I am not saying that he will come back a changed man, but hopefully when he does come back, I will be strong enough to let him down easy... ;**
English Garden,
I understand what you mean by seeking counseling. I've been talking my friends' ears off and I can tell they are getting impatient with me. I only have a few quality friends who I confide in about my situation as I know they will not judge me. I know they are getting to the point where they don't know what else to say because I've asked them repetitive questions every single time we get on the phone. I don't know why I do this but it just makes me feel better.
Do all addicts come back because they want sympathy? Why would an addict do that? When is an addict in active addiction? As far as I know and assume, my ex fiance has been clean since mid august. I don't know what kind of program he is doing but his parents think that the reason he relapsed wasn't because of the stress and pressure they put on him... He's only 24 and he's running a facility and imagine all the stress he goes through with managing EVERYTHING. They don't think it's the stress that caused him to relapse.. they think it's because he strayed away from God. I understand believing in and giving up your control to a higher power keeps your mind sane but that isn't the sole reason he relapsed imo. I don't see why he would want to come back to me especially after all the chaos. I just don't.
I understand I didn't spend my lifetime in misery with this person so I should be thankful for catching it early. My emotions are still strong as it just happened recently. It's been going haywire and I try to tell myself everything will be ok in the end because God will help me through it.
I have been reading a lot on this forum and today's the first day I posted anything in hopes of getting advice. So far, I am appreciating all that everyone has had to say. I will need to look a counselor so I can vent more about the situation.
Feeling Great
I understand that you feel outraged because my friends and family are as well. they say he's been extremely selfish and cowardly toward me. As if it wasn't enough for me to deal with the break up and the embarrassment, he had to go and pile this termination on me as well. Can an addict ever feel regretful? maybe only in moments of clarity right? Do they ever think about anything else other than wanting to get high? sigh, my heart is hurting as I am typing this. The person I once love has slowly dispersed into thin air.. as if we have never ever met. and here i am... alone and confused.... I hope he is taking care of himself...
HealingWillCome,
thanks for your insight and story. It's sad that as amazing as they think we are, they still can't give up the drugs.
I will stick around to read some more insightful posts. I've been on here for the last month or so trying to find people who have experienced it but never had the courage to say anything. Thank you for making me feel so welcomed!
BlueChair
WOW. it seems like we went through similar situations... The only difference is that I am not married yet... wow... before I found out, my ex fiance was always working. He'd wake up at 3 in the morning or so he says to go to work and come home really late the next day. i can't believe i believed him. He admitted later to me that he didn't actually go. Only a few nights out of the 10 times hes told me he was working late or he was out of town... This is crazy to sit here and put it all together. I can't believe I was that naive...
Terry97,
Thanks Terry! I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I can't get past the 'soul mate' thing either. As a matter of fact, i still feel like he is my soulmate and that God is only taking him away for a short period of time to work on him. I know, I sound ridiculous because I should already know that this is a sign from God that he isn't my soulmate... I'm still waiting for my moment of clarity... i hope it comes sooner cuz I am torn.
I will see if there's an alanon around my area. I have tried searching for naranon but we don't have any. the closest one is 45 mins away. Thank you for your advice and understanding. I truly appreciate it.
English Garden makes a good point. My trust has definitely been betrayed, but I am in the obsession stage where I still question everything that's happened and whether or not he will come back. I am a romantic and once I have fully devoted/committed myself, I will fight til there is nothing left to fight for. I am not one to give up easily. In this case, it may seem hopeless to fight for him when he's not even a part of my life anymore. As a matter of fact, he's completely written me off. Whether he is the one or not, only time can tell right? I am not saying that he will come back a changed man, but hopefully when he does come back, I will be strong enough to let him down easy... ;**
English Garden,
I understand what you mean by seeking counseling. I've been talking my friends' ears off and I can tell they are getting impatient with me. I only have a few quality friends who I confide in about my situation as I know they will not judge me. I know they are getting to the point where they don't know what else to say because I've asked them repetitive questions every single time we get on the phone. I don't know why I do this but it just makes me feel better.
Do all addicts come back because they want sympathy? Why would an addict do that? When is an addict in active addiction? As far as I know and assume, my ex fiance has been clean since mid august. I don't know what kind of program he is doing but his parents think that the reason he relapsed wasn't because of the stress and pressure they put on him... He's only 24 and he's running a facility and imagine all the stress he goes through with managing EVERYTHING. They don't think it's the stress that caused him to relapse.. they think it's because he strayed away from God. I understand believing in and giving up your control to a higher power keeps your mind sane but that isn't the sole reason he relapsed imo. I don't see why he would want to come back to me especially after all the chaos. I just don't.
I understand I didn't spend my lifetime in misery with this person so I should be thankful for catching it early. My emotions are still strong as it just happened recently. It's been going haywire and I try to tell myself everything will be ok in the end because God will help me through it.
I have been reading a lot on this forum and today's the first day I posted anything in hopes of getting advice. So far, I am appreciating all that everyone has had to say. I will need to look a counselor so I can vent more about the situation.
Feeling Great
I understand that you feel outraged because my friends and family are as well. they say he's been extremely selfish and cowardly toward me. As if it wasn't enough for me to deal with the break up and the embarrassment, he had to go and pile this termination on me as well. Can an addict ever feel regretful? maybe only in moments of clarity right? Do they ever think about anything else other than wanting to get high? sigh, my heart is hurting as I am typing this. The person I once love has slowly dispersed into thin air.. as if we have never ever met. and here i am... alone and confused.... I hope he is taking care of himself...
HealingWillCome,
thanks for your insight and story. It's sad that as amazing as they think we are, they still can't give up the drugs.
I will stick around to read some more insightful posts. I've been on here for the last month or so trying to find people who have experienced it but never had the courage to say anything. Thank you for making me feel so welcomed!
BlueChair
WOW. it seems like we went through similar situations... The only difference is that I am not married yet... wow... before I found out, my ex fiance was always working. He'd wake up at 3 in the morning or so he says to go to work and come home really late the next day. i can't believe i believed him. He admitted later to me that he didn't actually go. Only a few nights out of the 10 times hes told me he was working late or he was out of town... This is crazy to sit here and put it all together. I can't believe I was that naive...
Terry97,
Thanks Terry! I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I can't get past the 'soul mate' thing either. As a matter of fact, i still feel like he is my soulmate and that God is only taking him away for a short period of time to work on him. I know, I sound ridiculous because I should already know that this is a sign from God that he isn't my soulmate... I'm still waiting for my moment of clarity... i hope it comes sooner cuz I am torn.
I will see if there's an alanon around my area. I have tried searching for naranon but we don't have any. the closest one is 45 mins away. Thank you for your advice and understanding. I truly appreciate it.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 96
UPDATE:
So it has been a month since i was let go from the company. Apparently his dad tried reaching out to me but I knew it was only to save the company's butt as my ex fiance did not follow protocol with letting me go. I was livid. I did not try to make any contact whatsoever until yesterday when I texted him-- the text did not go through. The only assumption I can make is that he blocked me. I don't understand why he had to do that when I didn't even harass him. I've asked certain people on this forum and most of them say that he's still using and that breaking off our engagement is just a way for him to get rid of the roadblock. Do you guys think it's true? If so, why did he tell me he was going to come back a better man then? Makes absolutely no sense to me.
Also, do addicts suppress their feelings until it resurfaces on it's own? How can they be so cold to the people they love? I never in a million years believed he would do this to me....
please give me some insight as I am having a hard time making sense of it all...
So it has been a month since i was let go from the company. Apparently his dad tried reaching out to me but I knew it was only to save the company's butt as my ex fiance did not follow protocol with letting me go. I was livid. I did not try to make any contact whatsoever until yesterday when I texted him-- the text did not go through. The only assumption I can make is that he blocked me. I don't understand why he had to do that when I didn't even harass him. I've asked certain people on this forum and most of them say that he's still using and that breaking off our engagement is just a way for him to get rid of the roadblock. Do you guys think it's true? If so, why did he tell me he was going to come back a better man then? Makes absolutely no sense to me.
Also, do addicts suppress their feelings until it resurfaces on it's own? How can they be so cold to the people they love? I never in a million years believed he would do this to me....
please give me some insight as I am having a hard time making sense of it all...
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
SL.the time for esoteric musing is long past. it is time to look at the cold hard FACTS.
he broke off the engagement.
he FIRED you.
he has ZERO contact with you, including cutting off his phone.
does it REALLY matter WHY he did this? thing is, he DID this. to you.
he is not worthy. there is what he SAID, and what he DID. actions vs words. parrots can learn to say I Love You. I swear our American Bulldog can say "Go Pack Go" when we get excited over a Packer TD and she does her bark. we HEAR what we want to hear.
see what you see. he has cut off ALL communication. he left the building.
he broke off the engagement.
he FIRED you.
he has ZERO contact with you, including cutting off his phone.
does it REALLY matter WHY he did this? thing is, he DID this. to you.
he is not worthy. there is what he SAID, and what he DID. actions vs words. parrots can learn to say I Love You. I swear our American Bulldog can say "Go Pack Go" when we get excited over a Packer TD and she does her bark. we HEAR what we want to hear.
see what you see. he has cut off ALL communication. he left the building.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Silentlove, after I broke up with my AXBF, I was left with a lot of questions, too. A lot of how could he and why would he questions. But I realized eventually that his behavior just didn't make sense to a rational person--there was just no logic or reason to it. And I realized that listening to his actions was more important than understanding his motivations. His actions made it very clear that he a sh&*(y boyfriend. But I at least learned some things from him. I realized that I never wanted to date another cokehead. I realized that I ignored a lot of red flags, and that next time I dated I wanted to be more careful to keep my eyes open. And I realized that when romance moves too quickly, sometimes it's because one or both people are trying to fill a hole in their heart that love can't really fill, so I realized that I needed to take things slower in the future. Even though your ex has shown by his actions that you two can't be together, I'm sure that you learned things from him too. Hugs!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by SilentLove
Also, do addicts suppress their feelings until it resurfaces on it's own? How can they be so cold to the people they love? I never in a million years believed he would do this to me....
please give me some insight as I am having a hard time making sense of it all...
please give me some insight as I am having a hard time making sense of it all...
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think you have to educate yourself a little. Most addicts are completely consumed by their addiction. Then when they quit they are completely consumed by withdraw and what it is doing to their life and the want to use. It is true hard work for them to recover and many cannot beat it.
He very likely knows you are a nice person who he should not ruin the life of. And you know what, he is right. He will do one of two things, recover or continue to use. As he said himself, he has relapsed FIVE times. That's alot of relapse. It is VERY DIFFICULT to form a life with a user. You will then expect to have a normal life and children with him and it will become even more complicated.
I know you won't like what I am saying, but he is quite likely blocking you from his life for one of two reasons. Either he plans to continue to use and has become a slave to that and that only. Or, he knows he has to truly focus on his recovery and cannot do that with you in his life right now. I hope it is for that reason but who knows.
What you have to do now is get help for yourself. You need to have support for you to help you sort out all of these feelings and the effects it has on you. Right now you are trying to analyze the thoughts of a drug user...those will never be logical thoughts you will be able to follow. You can only control how you react, not his behavior. At this point that is the only thing you are in control of, your own actions.
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I am sorry this post sounds harsh. As someone who has a 16 yr relationship and marriage with an addict it just makes me sick, the thought of someone with so much to lose entering into a relationship with a drug user. You would be giving yourself a sentence of unhappiness from the very start. Life is too short for that. Start your life with someone who is stable and free from addiction.
I hesitate before posting this but I truly wish someone had tried to stop me from getting into a marriage with someone who is such a mess of a person. He has some good but believe me, in the long run, the addictions and the bad outweigh the love you started with and turn into resentment and misery.
Hugs and prayers for you. Keep posting you are not alone!
He very likely knows you are a nice person who he should not ruin the life of. And you know what, he is right. He will do one of two things, recover or continue to use. As he said himself, he has relapsed FIVE times. That's alot of relapse. It is VERY DIFFICULT to form a life with a user. You will then expect to have a normal life and children with him and it will become even more complicated.
I know you won't like what I am saying, but he is quite likely blocking you from his life for one of two reasons. Either he plans to continue to use and has become a slave to that and that only. Or, he knows he has to truly focus on his recovery and cannot do that with you in his life right now. I hope it is for that reason but who knows.
What you have to do now is get help for yourself. You need to have support for you to help you sort out all of these feelings and the effects it has on you. Right now you are trying to analyze the thoughts of a drug user...those will never be logical thoughts you will be able to follow. You can only control how you react, not his behavior. At this point that is the only thing you are in control of, your own actions.
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I am sorry this post sounds harsh. As someone who has a 16 yr relationship and marriage with an addict it just makes me sick, the thought of someone with so much to lose entering into a relationship with a drug user. You would be giving yourself a sentence of unhappiness from the very start. Life is too short for that. Start your life with someone who is stable and free from addiction.
I hesitate before posting this but I truly wish someone had tried to stop me from getting into a marriage with someone who is such a mess of a person. He has some good but believe me, in the long run, the addictions and the bad outweigh the love you started with and turn into resentment and misery.
Hugs and prayers for you. Keep posting you are not alone!
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Silentlove, you are trying to put the way you feel onto your ex. You cannot understand because you are not him. Drug addicts are extremely selfish, self serving and very manipulative. Trying to make sense of it all is a complete waste of your time. Believe me, I understand obsessing and feeling the need for answers because none if it makes sense but understand, it never will. Addicts behave in a way with whatever is in their best interest. I am sorry you have had to go through this and feel so broken hearted. I hope you are continuing in therapy so you can better understand yourself because right now that is all that matters. Your ex has made it perfectly clear he wants to move on (and most likely continue using). You did dodge a bullet even though it may not feel that way right now. Being with an addict is exhausting, gut wrenching, time consuming and it can eat away every last drop of sanity you have. Stop thinking about the good times and realize this is the real person. The more you try to analyze everything he has said or done, the longer you cannot get over him and move on.
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