Helpless
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 3
Helpless
Hello everyone.... Where do I start... I am married to a man that has been sober from alcohol for over a year but still smokes pot. He has been doing that since he was at least 16. We have been married for almost 13 years and it has been a good marriage up until a couple if years ago. He was drinking the the extreme and angry at the world and life. Since he stopped drinking his pot smoking has become severe. I'm not a pot smoker and really don't like it but its something that I look past because I love him. He is to the point now where he is extremely depressed, angry, and if I didn't know any better would kill himself if he had the guts! He has decided to stop smoking pot because of the way he is feeling. I don't know how to help him... Life has been hard over the last couple of months to the point where I have thought about leaving and taking the kids... But I love this man more than life and the thought of being away from him kills me... How do I help him thought this and how do I help myself through this??? I'm so confused and feel completely helpless.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 71
helplesswife,
take a look at this thread I recently started, I think a lot of the responses may help you:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4238587
take a look at this thread I recently started, I think a lot of the responses may help you:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4238587
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 71
You can't help him. Start saying it, "I can't help him", "I can't help him", "I can't help him." It may sound pretty crappy, but it's the truth. Trying to help him will only enable him to continue using drugs. It took me 4 years to come to this realization. What you can do is support him if he chooses to get help. But YOU can't help him. He has to do it himself. So don't make any appointments for him, don't take on any of his responsibilities. Let him do this on his own. If he chooses to get help and get into some kind of program, then he really wants to change. If not, then he doesn't. It is that simple. Give him the opportunity to get help, but if he doesn't then you need to re-evaluate the situation and do what is best for YOU.
GOOD LUCK!
GOOD LUCK!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Hi Helpless! I have had addicted parents, addicted boyfriends, and my sister is an addict. I struggle constantly to find the serenity to accept the things I can't change and the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I often have the urge to try to guide my addicted loved ones to help, but after years of doing this I have grown frustrated and decided to try to focus on myself and my needs instead. I like the saying sometimes called the three C's. This saying is that as far as a loved one's addiction goes, "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it."
If you focus on yourself and just accept for a moment that your husband will stay the same until HE decides he wants to change, then what do YOU need today? What will help YOU to find some serenity and healing? Maybe you aren't as helpless as you feel? You may be helpless to change your husband, but you can help yourself! You get to decide what kind of life you want and what kind of treatment you will or won't accept from a spouse. Wishing you peace on your path! Hugs!
If you focus on yourself and just accept for a moment that your husband will stay the same until HE decides he wants to change, then what do YOU need today? What will help YOU to find some serenity and healing? Maybe you aren't as helpless as you feel? You may be helpless to change your husband, but you can help yourself! You get to decide what kind of life you want and what kind of treatment you will or won't accept from a spouse. Wishing you peace on your path! Hugs!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Hi Helplesswife,
My husband primary drug was pain meds...a few other lovelies, but that was his primary. He is now ~18 months clean, in recovery. All relationships are different, and what we need to do to find balance in our own lives differs from person to person; but with my husband I became involved in the selection of treatment, and actively encouraged him towards this, worked with a therapist on my own to sort out my own thoughts, feelings, analyze the damage drug use did to me, our marriage. Later on we did marriage counseling together also. Addiction is definitely a family disease.
When I was in therapy, the doctor suggested lots of things for me to read. So number one is I would read up on addiction, the medical evidence based approach. You can do this by looking at things from National Institute of Drug Abuse, and Partnership for Drug Free America. These are great resources.
My therapist suggested a book to me called: Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening by Robert J. Meyers and Brenda L. Wolfe. Contrary to the name, it is not about our being able to get them sober- the will to do that has to come from them. Instead it focuses on non confrontational communication in the relationship, teaching us how to encourage them to enter treatment, use of positive reinforcements, encouraging sober activities, and their continued treatment. The other goal is to help us take better care of ourselves, teaches how to introduce boundaries, avoid enabling while still supporting recovery. (You can also look this book up on Amazon for reviews).
This article is also helpful I think in understanding that you can support without enabling: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rug-free.html?
It sounds like your husband does need treatment especially the mood disorder. The good news is he stopped drinking a year ago, so he has some idea how to deal with ending the MJ use. Lots of times people do switch from one addiction to the other, it sounds like that is what happened with his increased MJ. In my husbands case, he went to a rehab that was based on private therapy, it helped him identify causes of his drug use, and determine what he had to do to alter his mindset. He also learned cognitive behavioral techniques to help him prevent relapse.
I like all of the suggestions in PhotoArtist thread. Make time for yourself, do not put all of your focus on addiction, treatment, or recovery. Its like on an airplane, you have to put your oxygen mask on first, or you wont be able to help anyone. Taking care of you, and the kids, that should be your first priority. I don't see where you mentioned the age of your kids, but if they are older, experiencing any issues or behavioral problems due to the situation, then I would look into at least a few sessions of therapy for them, to make sure they understand addiction at an age appropriate level, and can voice their fears, feelings. My son was only an infant when his dad went into treatment, so it wasn't an issue for him, but its still something I think about (how would I handle) if my husband should happen to relapse in the future. Never hurts to be prepared.
My husband primary drug was pain meds...a few other lovelies, but that was his primary. He is now ~18 months clean, in recovery. All relationships are different, and what we need to do to find balance in our own lives differs from person to person; but with my husband I became involved in the selection of treatment, and actively encouraged him towards this, worked with a therapist on my own to sort out my own thoughts, feelings, analyze the damage drug use did to me, our marriage. Later on we did marriage counseling together also. Addiction is definitely a family disease.
When I was in therapy, the doctor suggested lots of things for me to read. So number one is I would read up on addiction, the medical evidence based approach. You can do this by looking at things from National Institute of Drug Abuse, and Partnership for Drug Free America. These are great resources.
My therapist suggested a book to me called: Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening by Robert J. Meyers and Brenda L. Wolfe. Contrary to the name, it is not about our being able to get them sober- the will to do that has to come from them. Instead it focuses on non confrontational communication in the relationship, teaching us how to encourage them to enter treatment, use of positive reinforcements, encouraging sober activities, and their continued treatment. The other goal is to help us take better care of ourselves, teaches how to introduce boundaries, avoid enabling while still supporting recovery. (You can also look this book up on Amazon for reviews).
This article is also helpful I think in understanding that you can support without enabling: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rug-free.html?
It sounds like your husband does need treatment especially the mood disorder. The good news is he stopped drinking a year ago, so he has some idea how to deal with ending the MJ use. Lots of times people do switch from one addiction to the other, it sounds like that is what happened with his increased MJ. In my husbands case, he went to a rehab that was based on private therapy, it helped him identify causes of his drug use, and determine what he had to do to alter his mindset. He also learned cognitive behavioral techniques to help him prevent relapse.
I like all of the suggestions in PhotoArtist thread. Make time for yourself, do not put all of your focus on addiction, treatment, or recovery. Its like on an airplane, you have to put your oxygen mask on first, or you wont be able to help anyone. Taking care of you, and the kids, that should be your first priority. I don't see where you mentioned the age of your kids, but if they are older, experiencing any issues or behavioral problems due to the situation, then I would look into at least a few sessions of therapy for them, to make sure they understand addiction at an age appropriate level, and can voice their fears, feelings. My son was only an infant when his dad went into treatment, so it wasn't an issue for him, but its still something I think about (how would I handle) if my husband should happen to relapse in the future. Never hurts to be prepared.
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