PhotoArtist

After one week of being homeless, my AH hit rock bottom. Today, he informed me that he was ready to stop using and abusing drugs and took the biggest step of his life - he called a very good friend of ours, a recovering addict who has been clean for 3 years, and asked her to please help him get into a detox facility tonight. She and her husband came to our house, picked him up, and took him to a great hospital about an hour away from here and he was admitted to the psychiatric/behavioral unit of the hospital until there is an available bed at the detox facility. Since he admitted he is a threat to himself because of the manner he has been abusing drugs, he cannot leave the hospital for at least 72 hours. So even if he wants to leave, he can't.

I know this is going to be a very long and difficult process for all of us, so I'm not "counting my chickens before they hatch", but I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off of my chest! He made the call without me pushing him, he did it ON HIS OWN! If I wasn't so exhausted I would be doing cartwheels right now I can finally sleep tonight because I know he is safe and being provided with great medical and psychological care.

I have been terrified for 7 days straight, didn't know if he was dead or alive and when he did call it was even worse. I was so stressed out, so pressured by family and friends to do something to save him, and I knew I couldn't. But I felt guilty for doing nothing even though I know it was the best thing for both of us. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I almost walked away from him completely, and maybe he saw that he really would lose everything if he didn't get help soon. Regardless of what he was thinking at the time, he made HIS OWN DECISION and decided to get help. I truly do hope he follows through, but for now I am not even going to think that far into the future.

For tonight, my husband is safe and getting the help he needs, and for that I am thankful. I can finally breathe, and sleep, which i will be doing in the next few minutes

Kindeyes

I hope and pray that he continues to move forward in a positive direction. For you, I hope and pray that you will care for yourself and take care of your own emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual well being.

The process of recovery can be a bumpy ride.....it's easy to get caught up in the highs of their initial efforts.....just like its easy to get caught up in the lows of their addiction. I had to find that even keeled place without extraordinary highs or impossible lows to help me navigate and manage my own life. I hope you too can find that balance as well.

Hopes and gentle hugs
ke

needingabreak

(((((Photoartist))))) I am so happy to read this. I remember your earlier post of how scared you were for your AH but look what tough love and not enabling does! I pray for his continuing path to recovery. As Kindeyes said above, it is very hard not to have this overtake your entire life. My son's recovery did take over mine and still I struggle but every day gets better. Take good care of yourself and find something you can do that you really enjoy, whether a hobby, exercise or just reading a good book- anything that does not have to do with recovery but just for you and you alone.

allforcnm

Im happy to read your post also - What wonderful news.

Prayers going out to both of you tonight.

FeelingGreat

It's an advertisement for tough love. All the best with the future.

PhotoArtist

Thanks for all of the comments, it helps to know that there is so much support out there! This morning I called the psychiatric unit that my husband was checked into last night and they told me he was in good hands and being supervised while going through detox and would be transferred to a detox facility tonight. They also said he would be able to call me during "phone time". I haven't heard from him yet, but surprisingly, I am okay. Of course I miss him, but who doesn't miss someone they love when they are gone? I am sure he will call when he is able to and ready, so that is good enough for me.

I am just so relieved that he is safe and being given the care he needs. Last night was the best sleep I have had in a very long time. I was even able to watch The Walking Dead tonight with some friends and not worry about where he was or if he was okay. It was a really good night. And for that I am thankful

sevenofnine

I'm glad your tough love worked out for the better.

But what about you? You were not ok for seven days. That's not ok. What can you do so you are ok, whether or not he is?

That's not rhetorical, if you have an answer, please share it so I might also use it. I have gotten past my own attachments to the ups and downs, but not sure how to help my kids who don't have the option of divorcing their dad....

PhotoArtist

Good question. My therapist asked me the same thing on Monday, this was actually my "homework assignment" (yes, homework, I am a huge nerd and he knows it!).

I have pretty much been surrounding myself with things I love & enjoy doing, things that make me happy. I am a photographer, and I absolutely love shooting photos - I'll take a photo of ANYTHING. I booked some last minute shoots this weekend, one was actually a major event in our parish and my photos are going to be featured in 2 newspapers this week (patting my own back right now). Even though it's work, I love it, so I've been indulging myself in photography. I started working on some cool new HDR photos and had a doggie Halloween session today. Trying new things and keeping myself stimulated with positive, enjoyable things has really helped. i love to read paranormal romance/urban fantasy novels, so I downloaded a few new books. And tonight I had a few friends over to watch The Walking Dead, our most favorite tv series.

When my husband decided to get help on Friday, it was just 30 minutes before my big event. If this was a year ago, I probably would have canceled because I wouldn't have been able to focus. And it would have been pretty rough on both of us having to say good-bye before he left. But I have grown in so many ways over the past year, and although I love my husband more than words can express, I also love my job. I work very hard and canceling last minute is just unacceptable. So I dealt with it, I told him I loved him and that I was proud of him and to text me if he needed to talk to me before he left, and then I went to work and focused, focused, focused. Two good friends picked my husband up and brought him to hospital/detox center, and he called me on his way. The night was a success for both of us, and I'm really proud of myself for not falling apart. I didn't throw everything away for HIM this time. I focused on ME. Yay for focusing on me!

So my advice to you would be to surround yourself with things you love. Indulge in things that make you smile. Get together with friends and family as often as possible, and when you find your mind wandering off and you begin to think about him, pick up a good book and read, read, read. Or go for a walk. Or start a new craft project. Do something that makes you happy, and before you know it you won't feel like you HAVE TO find things to do. You'll just do things you love because that's what people do!

Good luck to you!

allforcnm

Absolutely Excellent Advice.

Congratulations on your photography success. (I would have loved to have been there for the Doggie Halloween Shoot, sounds like fun and frolic - at least for the Doggies).

needingabreak

Love your last post Photoartist! So happy to read you are taking care of you and indulging in things you really enjoy that make you happy. Yay!

sevenofnine

So I am kind of doing that... I've been trying to keep things normal for my kids. Same routine reading books with them before bed. Pancakes or biscuits for weekend breakfast treat. Took them bike riding today, which they loved as a switch from our usual weekend swim. Worked on Halloween costume w DD who wanted to paper mâché her own turtle shell 'because homemade is better', bought a beautiful princess dress and crown for two year old son who absolutely only wants to be a princess for halloween! (So proud of my kids and their lack of gender normative choices. He especially is so cut admiring himself in the dress in the mirror- he wanted to sleep in it and it melted my heart). Really it's all I can figure out to do right now- just keep finding any smiles I can.

But I'm not sure that equals actually dealing with things. Again, it's not really for myself I'm worried-I have clarity, know what I don't want, am almost entirely happy with long overdue alone time. But Princess boy wanted to sleep at dads last night (since AH is following his relapse with his usual return to sobriety, this is not at all fearful for me) and turtle girl and I had a bit of girl time to talk, and I know she is really really stressed, even if she doesn't know this herself.
I do think filling life with fun healthy genuine smiles is great, and I'm following up on any passion she shows, but. Not really sure how to help her through her fears about AHs addiction, health, living situation, the divorce that will be coming.
My big fear is to turn into my 'just pretend all is ok and it will be' emotionally detached mother whose cold disinterest in me is something I see as a major factor in my own life choice of choosing a broken partner. I really really don't want to end up doing anything to hurt my kids, even if its unintentional.

My therapist was all about how ignoring problems isn't finding healthy solutions to them. I myself need a different strategy.

I am super happy to hear all that positive stuff from you though.

Heard it and heartily agree. Job stress is a piece of cake compared to relationship stress, I think.

I'd love to hear more about your emotional journey. I think hearing others' narratives helps me to face and deal with my own.

PhotoArtist

SevenofNine,

Wow, I think we are sharing the same brain right now. We don't have children together, and I am not at the point of divorcing him (although I have contemplated it), but I completely understand how you are feeling.

(oh, and I absolutely love the fact that your son is so comfortable with just being himself, if he wants to wear a dress then make sure it is the most spectacular princess dress ever! keep encouraging him to express himself and to explore things he is interested in, regardless of what boys and girls are "supposed" to do! he and turtle girl both seem like amazing kids, and yes, home made is better!)

But back to the subject at hand...you are correct, indulging ourselves in fun activities and trying to stick to our normal routines will only get us so far. So what do we do next? How do we really deal with all of this without just coping? Honestly, I have no idea. We need closure, and although closure for you is much different from closure for me, the feelings are still the same. So many things are still unresolved, there is so much pain within us, we are still fearful and unsure about certain things, we feel betrayed, angry, and worried about how this is effecting the people we love. And that is A LOT TO DEAL WITH. I guess we both need to figure out what it is that will give us the closure that we need to move on and live healthy lives. When I will figure that out is still a mystery to me, but I'm working on it, starting tomorrow with family therapy (i'll get to that in a minute).

As for your children...I watch the national news on HLN throughout the day while I am doing boring paperwork in my dad's office (yes, 2 full time jobs!), and every day there is a segment called "Raising America", which covers various topics about raising children. One recent topic was about how to help your children cope with traumatic experiences, and although this is not as traumatic as let's say, a school shooting, your children are still undergoing a lot of stress right now (as expected). What I have learned from watching "Raising America" is that you should encourage your children to be very open about how they are really feeling. Ask them questions, "How are you feeling about Dad being gone?", "What bothers you most right now?", "Are you afraid, and why?", "What can we do to make you feel safe/happy/etc?" and so on. And really listen to what they are saying. Pretending that everything is okay and not really dealing with anything is probably the worst bit of advice I have ever heard, but I myself tend to do this whenever I have to deal with unpleasant feelings. It's not healthy, bottling everything up inside is not the solution and will only make you more stressed out. Just as you need to deal with your emotions, so do they. For children (just like adults), becoming emotionally withdrawn is not a good sign, so if they stop asking questions or sharing their feelings, you need to get them some type of help as well.

A lot of people may tell you that they are too young to discuss specific things about their father's addiction or your divorce, but they are much more perceptive than we give them credit for. I may be wrong in saying this, but I think you should explain as much to them as possible without scaring them to death. Tell them their dad has made a lot of poor choices, and those choices have hurt you and are dangerous, and he needs to get help before he can be a part of their lives. If they don't understand what alcohol and drug abuse is, tell them that he takes things that makes him sick and that is NOT OKAY. Tell them it is okay to miss him and love him, but that he needs to get better because it is not safe to be with him when he is sick. Just do your best to explain this to them in a way they will understand. And listen, really listen to them. You already know you are a great mom, so keep doing what you are doing and trust that your higher power will guide the three of you in the right direction. Have faith, even if it is just a tiny bit. Faith goes a long way.

Tomorrow, I am going to the detox center where my husband is for a family therapy session. I am very nervous. He called twice today and he is getting angry, starting to blame me, blame his mother for the situation he is in. He feels like we are forcing him to do inpatient rehab, he feels outpatient will be just fine. And he is sooooooo very wrong. But I know its the addict talking. He has only been there for 3 days and the cravings and withdrawal are getting pretty bad. So I am asking myself the same questions as you are, how in the heck do I deal with this, really deal with this? How do I take care of myself? it's not like I can bring my camera there and start photographing all of the patients, lol (which would be a really cool photo project!), so what do I do to keep myself emotionally healthy during this therapy session? And again, I have no idea. I guess I am just going to go there and be completely honest, honest with myself, him and the therapist. I'm laying everything out on the table. No more sugarcoating things, or protecting him because it is easier than confronting him. I am done with the easy path. I am doing what will be best for me in the long run, not just the present. It would be much easier if I just pretended he was okay and that I wasn't afraid and unsure. But to hell with that! I am telling him how I feel and what I NEED in order to continue this relationship. I have compromised for too long, I have allowed things that make me cringe in my life for too long, I have been helpless for too long. And I guess that is how I am going to really deal with this, for the moment

Please stay in touch and update me on how things are going. And please send me a private message if you need to talk one on one. We can support each other throughout this process!

Sending positive aura your way!

helplesswife

Wow! That is some really good advice!! I'm going to have to process what all was said... Thanks

PhotoArtist

helplesswife,

It is A LOT to process, and every one of us has a different experience to share. Some of us have left the relationship already, some are still holding on, and some are trying to get out. But we all have the same feelings. Every one of us has felt betrayed, angry, depressed, afraid, disgusted, lonely, embarrassed and most importantly, helpless. But you aren't helpless, you now have a Sober Recovery family to help you through this. You can help yourself as well. But at the same time, you cannot help your husband. He can only help himself. But you, are not helpless, you are POWERLESS OVER HIS ADDICTION, POWERLESS OVER OTHERS. None of us can control other people. We are human, thus we have freedom of choice. WE can choose OUR OWN PATH but we cannot choose which path our husbands/children/parents/friends decide to take. It is their choice alone, and the sooner you can really admit that you have no control over others, the sooner you can begin to take your life into your own hands.

What you choose to do is your choice alone, it is not wrong or right, and none of us here will ever judge you. We will support you in whatever choice you make. But the choice is YOURS. Try not to think in terms of love. Just because we love someone doesn't mean we have to be with them, and loving someone is NOT enough to make a marriage work. Sometimes loving someone means walking away from them. Are you getting all of your needs met in this marriage? If not, what can you do to get the things you need? Take baby steps, and really think about what YOU WANT AND NEED in order to make this marriage work.

Keeping you in my thoughts and sending strength your way!

sevenofnine

Taking photos would be pretty interesting. Makes me think of the 'faces of meth' project, which you should google if you haven't heard of it. I wonder if they'd let you take photos of just their shoes? I'm thinking like empty shoes, 'a mile in their shoes' kind of thing. (I have an art degree, so this kind of thing is up my alley)

However, probably you will have enough on your mind and going on when you are there. Sending you strength!

I have absolutely no desire to interact with my AH. Actually I'm already thinking of him as XAH, but I suppose that he isn't really till a divorce happens. I really really send you strength to go face this visit.

I'm sure that at this early stage (did you allude to three days along? its pretty early on in his stay?) he is probably pretty pleasant! oh garbage, sarcasm doesn't read on the internet. That was super duper sarcastic. Anyway, you have to tell us how it goes, if you feel it accomplishes anything for you (or him, I guess, but really this place is about you).

I'm not sure there is anything such as closure besides death. Stuff goes on, we move past things, but I'm not sure they are ever really closed. Like when somebody dies, and eventually you might find a new way to manage, a new kind of outlook or meaning, and a new normal, but I don't know that you ever really stop feeling pain completely. Its more about making peace with that pain and accepting the things that can't be changed I think.