rcutch

My AH is insistent that he is 14 days clean from Heroine and would like me to provide him with a list of boundaries. The problem is...I can't. There are so many lies, manipulations, and damages that I can't even come up with any. The only one I have is no active use while living here....but I can't verify that, and know that it is not my responsibility to. Thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Hammer

Yeah, my first boundary is I AM NOT THE MOMMY/DADDY.

1. I do not have to provide a list to tell an "A" how to behave. You provide ME a list of what YOU are going to do to at least ACT like a grown up.

Or at least that is what I WISHED I had said when I picked her up at the airport coming home from rehab.

Twofish

Dear Rcutch, Trust was/is the most difficult thing I could do with my 2AD. Heroin, or any drug for that matter, makes the addict lie, lie and lie some more, also steal, deceive and make me worry constantly. When my daughters admitted they were addict and DESIRED sobriety, they entered recovery, a therapist along with that came urine tests for drugs. That was the beginning of my ability to trust. This may sound extreme, but addiction is extreme. I remember the girls at the grocery store wanting money for food, I asked them to put the clerk on the phone to verify the purchase before I transferred the money to their debit card. Forgiveness easy, trust, well that's very hard to do. Good luck and hugs to you! TF

Hammer

Having been around this world a bit, now . . . .

THAT all sounds Very Loving to me.

I pray you and your daughters do well.

incitingsilence

Oh the lies, they do show so much truth.

My boundaries were very much about me. Where I wouldn't be crossing lines that weren't mine. Where I would not compromise my core beliefs. I did not set any that had to do with how he should act, or should live. I am a bit different, he could use as he wished.

Knowing that I didn't/don't have to live with that in my home, or have to watch was so much more important for me.

One thing I learned what that active addiction, always looks just like addictive addiction. My problem was being able to trust myself enough to believe what I saw not what I was being told.

rcutch

That continues to be my problem. I end up driving myself crazy. I rely very heavily on my gut, but then I end up wanting to hear it confirmed...I guess I just need to continue listening to my gut and know what I know.

interrupted

Boundaries aren't for him, they're for you, and you're under no obligation to provide him a list of anything. Being treated with respect and kindness shouldn't have to be dictated to a spouse, it should already be the baseline.