rehab destroyed my my marriage!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: baltimore
Posts: 16
rehab destroyed my my marriage!
My husband checked into an inpatient rehab center on 9/18. The first with him was nice he sounded greay he had been clean for a fee days and was talking straight. He told me he love me and he was doing this for himself and our marriage. After that he became more and more distant. He didn't write me. The phone calls were strange like I was talking to a stranger. Rhe next visit he was distant would not sit close to me would not hold my hand. He was cold. I received a call from the rehab telling me he was discharged for having inappropriate contact with a female there. Well obviously I was livid! He told me he just kissed her. I don't know if they would really through you out for just a kiss. Well now he tells me that he doesn't know if this marriage is what he wants. He says ge took in to much responsibility. He needs to take a step back. He says he has to focus on his recovery. Ok I understand thay but you don't divorce your spouse who is clean has never used because you need to focus on your recovery! We had a beautiful relationshio before this. Even when we fought about the drugs we were still madly in love. I can't help byt feel like they were feeding this to him that the only way he could ever recover is to change everything. I can understand changing jobs, friends or moving but leaving your wife and kids! I'm so devastated! I don't know what to do. I want my husband home! I love him. I don't know how to snap him out of this and realize what he's doing. I know he loves me and my children.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
He will be back, they always come back when they need us. Be careful that you are not willing to settle for bad behavior or compromise your own core values.....all in the name of "love" or fear of abandonment.
ETA - if only rehabs or 12 step programs had such power. They tell addicts not to pick up too but we all see how well that usually works out.
ETA - if only rehabs or 12 step programs had such power. They tell addicts not to pick up too but we all see how well that usually works out.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Knoxville, tn
Posts: 58
I'm so sorry about what you're going through. Unfortunately rehab romance is something that seems to happen often. Have you looked into al anon? It is really a wonderful place for support! Ultimately rehab didn't destroy a thing. They strongly discourage relationships between patients. Which is why people get kicked out for fraternizing. He is an adult and made choices. Those choices are his own. I wish we could all make our addicts "snap" out of it. Do something for just yourself. You can make yourself happy! I hope things get better and you will be in my thoughts!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
If he was thrown out of rehab, is he clean now? Did he go to another one, or what is he doing to work on his recovery? Maybe he is not making sense because he is using again? My husband in in a rehab right now, been there two months, but they have us in family sessions together, weekend passes for visits, and I can talk to him everyday. They told us we are a team and need to work together. If he is not using, then maybe you could get him to go to counseling with you? I dont know what could have happened, Ive read stories on here about people cheating in rehab, had me worried for a while when my husband first went in. It would be a nightmare, Im sorry.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
Rehab didn't destroy your marriage. Your husband may have though. Unfortunately, rehab romances are quite common. It sounds to me like he wants to spend some time with the woman he met (under the guise of working on his recovery), while you wait around and welcome him back if he decides she isn't quite what he thinks she is.
While I'm sure this is a shock to you, given time, I'm sure you'll see that it also gives you the opportunity to decide what you really want, too. Hang in there. We'll be here to support you.
While I'm sure this is a shock to you, given time, I'm sure you'll see that it also gives you the opportunity to decide what you really want, too. Hang in there. We'll be here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
He destroyed your marriage, him alone.
This is who he is. Do you really need anymore proof?
I would view this as a blessing, even though I know the odds are that he will come crawling back. With all the begging and baiting and a real possibility that he will just hurt you all over again.
I know you deserve better, I hope that you can find that you do as well.
This is who he is. Do you really need anymore proof?
I would view this as a blessing, even though I know the odds are that he will come crawling back. With all the begging and baiting and a real possibility that he will just hurt you all over again.
I know you deserve better, I hope that you can find that you do as well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
the only time the addict I cared about went through rehab
( her husb a hard working man who was beside himself
with pain & worry for his wife)--- to the tune of $30k
for 30 days----she relapses in HOURS but had a "new
guy" ( 3 time hard time violent felon) who "understood"
her (I bet!).
I tell you what hurts most about addiction----it's that
they "check out" on life, and trade things of infinite value;
family,home,kids, future financial security.....for dregs that
I wouldn't allow in my front door to clean the carpets !!
The first day of this debacle she confided in me that
she had 'settled' for Xxxxx.(Her husband) What GALL!!!!!
No, lady.... your hard working husband settled for YOU.
I knew her path led toward an inevitable and irrevocable
conclusion ( though just HOW irrevocable was unknown to me
at the time)------but SR taught me to get out of the path of a
runaway train.It was the best advice I ever got.
Rehab romances! I am hard pressed to think of anything
more pathetic........maybe old married guys hitting up every skirt with
that old favorite "my wife doesn't understand me".
( Believe me, their spouses understand them PERFECTLY!)
Maybe I should check out of SR and start a rehab matchmaking
service!?!?
Where perenially misunderstood people can commiserate over
the unfairness of it all!!!
On second thought, bad idea. Clientele always broke, low/no
skill, low performance( at best).
You did nothing wrong here, but it is not at all difficult to fall
into self destructive codependent patterns.Please take steps to
ensure YOUR name is'nt on that casualty list!
( her husb a hard working man who was beside himself
with pain & worry for his wife)--- to the tune of $30k
for 30 days----she relapses in HOURS but had a "new
guy" ( 3 time hard time violent felon) who "understood"
her (I bet!).
I tell you what hurts most about addiction----it's that
they "check out" on life, and trade things of infinite value;
family,home,kids, future financial security.....for dregs that
I wouldn't allow in my front door to clean the carpets !!
The first day of this debacle she confided in me that
she had 'settled' for Xxxxx.(Her husband) What GALL!!!!!
No, lady.... your hard working husband settled for YOU.
I knew her path led toward an inevitable and irrevocable
conclusion ( though just HOW irrevocable was unknown to me
at the time)------but SR taught me to get out of the path of a
runaway train.It was the best advice I ever got.
Rehab romances! I am hard pressed to think of anything
more pathetic........maybe old married guys hitting up every skirt with
that old favorite "my wife doesn't understand me".
( Believe me, their spouses understand them PERFECTLY!)
Maybe I should check out of SR and start a rehab matchmaking
service!?!?
Where perenially misunderstood people can commiserate over
the unfairness of it all!!!
On second thought, bad idea. Clientele always broke, low/no
skill, low performance( at best).
You did nothing wrong here, but it is not at all difficult to fall
into self destructive codependent patterns.Please take steps to
ensure YOUR name is'nt on that casualty list!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 71
I am so very sorry that this has happened, and I can't imagine the pain you are feeling right now. But with all honesty, rehab did not ruin your marriage. Your husband ruined your marriage.
I saw a previous post you posted in the Newcomers forum, and you said that only 3 days after your husband entered rehab he was distant and already talking about some "cool chick" he met. You said that you were already afraid he would cheat on you in rehab and that you weren't sure if you wanted to be married to him anymore. When your husband told you he met a cool chick that he felt sorry for, why did you get so upset? Why did you assume he would cheat? Because you already did not trust him before he entered rehab, because of all the lies and betrayal, because the man actually pawned his wedding ring (as you said in your other post). Rehab didn't make him do that, he did those things before he entered rehab. He chose to lie to you, to abuse drugs, and to take a symbol of your marriage and pawn it. In a way, he was unfaithful to you before he even went to rehab. Even though my husband has never cheated on me (I pray to God that he hasn't), I feel like I have been cheated on every day of my life because of the betrayal and the lies. And I try to make myself believe that he would never cheat, but guess what - he is an addict, and he is capable of anything, so I will never be able to be sure of what he will and will not do.
And if you were feeling like this after only a few days of him being there, were you really so happy with your relationship before he entered rehab? Are any of us happy with the relationship we have with an addict? Hell no! We aren't happy because we are living in crazy town when they are using and abusing drugs.
I know this is a lot to process, but please try your best to focus on you and your children. Do you really want him back in your life? Back in your children's life? If he stays clean and the two of you can work this out somehow, and that is what you truly want, then I wish you all the luck in the world. Just really take some time to think about what you want and if he is the man you really want to spend your life with.
I saw a previous post you posted in the Newcomers forum, and you said that only 3 days after your husband entered rehab he was distant and already talking about some "cool chick" he met. You said that you were already afraid he would cheat on you in rehab and that you weren't sure if you wanted to be married to him anymore. When your husband told you he met a cool chick that he felt sorry for, why did you get so upset? Why did you assume he would cheat? Because you already did not trust him before he entered rehab, because of all the lies and betrayal, because the man actually pawned his wedding ring (as you said in your other post). Rehab didn't make him do that, he did those things before he entered rehab. He chose to lie to you, to abuse drugs, and to take a symbol of your marriage and pawn it. In a way, he was unfaithful to you before he even went to rehab. Even though my husband has never cheated on me (I pray to God that he hasn't), I feel like I have been cheated on every day of my life because of the betrayal and the lies. And I try to make myself believe that he would never cheat, but guess what - he is an addict, and he is capable of anything, so I will never be able to be sure of what he will and will not do.
And if you were feeling like this after only a few days of him being there, were you really so happy with your relationship before he entered rehab? Are any of us happy with the relationship we have with an addict? Hell no! We aren't happy because we are living in crazy town when they are using and abusing drugs.
I know this is a lot to process, but please try your best to focus on you and your children. Do you really want him back in your life? Back in your children's life? If he stays clean and the two of you can work this out somehow, and that is what you truly want, then I wish you all the luck in the world. Just really take some time to think about what you want and if he is the man you really want to spend your life with.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I just read the part about the wedding ring. My husband was on a cocaine binge and lost his ring. I say lost because he says he doesn’t know what happened to it, and he was passed out and hospitalized for a couple weeks. It doesn’t matter what happened to it, it hurt so bad to see that ring off his finger. After I stopped crying about it, then I was angry, but now Im not hurt by it anymore, Ive chalked it up to the disease, and I understand if he took it off and traded it for drugs it was only because he was deadly sick. I ordered him an identical ring from the jeweler, and put it back on his finger before he went into rehab. I never thought of it at the time, but after these cheating rehab stories, maybe it helped keep some of the chicks away from him. I just did it because it was a symbol between the two of us, and I wanted him to have it as a reminder. I hope that’s not too much off topic, I wanted to let you know the missing wedding ring thing is a hurt I understand, and Im sorry all this is happening to you.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Vadams,
Rehab didn't destroy your marriage. The choices that your husband has made (and apparently continues to make) have in part led your marriage to where it is. And while he is in active addiction, he is incapable of being the spouse you want him to be and the parent he should be. The fact that he kissed another woman tells me that all he cares about is what he wants at any given moment, and he doesn't care about the consequences and how choices like that impact his marriage and his children.
He's not unique in that regard. Addiction is an incredibly selfish state of being, and you'll read stories here that are quite similiar to your own. So, the only two real questions you have to answer are the following:
a) how are you going to protect yourself
b) how are you going to protect your kids
Everything else comes afterwards.
The only advice I will give you is don't believe a single thing that comes out of his mouth.
Hang in there.
ZoSo
Rehab didn't destroy your marriage. The choices that your husband has made (and apparently continues to make) have in part led your marriage to where it is. And while he is in active addiction, he is incapable of being the spouse you want him to be and the parent he should be. The fact that he kissed another woman tells me that all he cares about is what he wants at any given moment, and he doesn't care about the consequences and how choices like that impact his marriage and his children.
He's not unique in that regard. Addiction is an incredibly selfish state of being, and you'll read stories here that are quite similiar to your own. So, the only two real questions you have to answer are the following:
a) how are you going to protect yourself
b) how are you going to protect your kids
Everything else comes afterwards.
The only advice I will give you is don't believe a single thing that comes out of his mouth.
Hang in there.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
We had a beautiful relationshio before this.
you SURE about that? his drug use, lies, stealing, pawning his wedding ring, and god knows what else? doesn't sound that beautiful.
this is not the fault of the REHAB. he got kicked out for violating their rules about having contact with another woman. i'm sure he did more than kiss her. NOW he's saying he needs to "focus on his recovery"....he thinks he wants out.
his ACTIONS speak to that very clearly. that is something you need to wrap your head around. it's not the rehabs fault, the other woman's fault, the weather, the drug dealers. this is the culmination of your husband's choices and behaviors.
you SURE about that? his drug use, lies, stealing, pawning his wedding ring, and god knows what else? doesn't sound that beautiful.
this is not the fault of the REHAB. he got kicked out for violating their rules about having contact with another woman. i'm sure he did more than kiss her. NOW he's saying he needs to "focus on his recovery"....he thinks he wants out.
his ACTIONS speak to that very clearly. that is something you need to wrap your head around. it's not the rehabs fault, the other woman's fault, the weather, the drug dealers. this is the culmination of your husband's choices and behaviors.
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