ABF and early recovery
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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ABF and early recovery
Hi all, new here but in desperate need of objective advice!
I've been with my BF for nearly 6 years, and he's been in and out of recovery for 3+. In the last year, he relapsed, starts seeing another woman, asked me to move out, continue to date is both, and generally made an enormous mess of things. About a month ago, the other woman answered the phone and said she didn't know we were still seeing each other, and that she was leaving him. The ABF then called to say he has been on a horrible bender and neede help checking into a treatment center. He also said lots of things about "forgiving him" and he will be mine, applogies, over-the-top desperation stuff....
Since then, I've been staying with him, going to meetings with him, supporting him emotionally, and helping to care for his kids, etc. I've been in contact with the other woman, and she confirms they haven't spoken or rekindled anything, and she doesn't want to see him if he is with me. But recently he has been bringing up me leaving. Since we have loved together for 4 years, aside from the last 12 months, it is painful for me to be back intimately living together only to be asked to move out again. He says mostly logical things like he needs space to recover, that he doesn't know what will happen with us but his recovery has to come first, etc. All of which make sense. Except we spend 95% of our time happy and healthy and productive, he constantly expresses gratitude that I am here, and he encouraged me to find a job/sponsor in AlAnon/therapist here. So now that we are happy together, working on recovery, and I have a whole mess of obligations and things to look forward to, he decides I should leave??
What's the right thing? Respect the request, regardless of my feelings? Leave and drop things once and for all? Tell him I have obligations and commitments here and can't go?
Part of me wants to never ever see his lying cheating ass again. And the other part thinks that this is our best shot at a healthy recovery, just keep pushing through and things will get better.
I know I can't make him love me/choose me, but what about the situation can I change, and what's the best path?
I've been with my BF for nearly 6 years, and he's been in and out of recovery for 3+. In the last year, he relapsed, starts seeing another woman, asked me to move out, continue to date is both, and generally made an enormous mess of things. About a month ago, the other woman answered the phone and said she didn't know we were still seeing each other, and that she was leaving him. The ABF then called to say he has been on a horrible bender and neede help checking into a treatment center. He also said lots of things about "forgiving him" and he will be mine, applogies, over-the-top desperation stuff....
Since then, I've been staying with him, going to meetings with him, supporting him emotionally, and helping to care for his kids, etc. I've been in contact with the other woman, and she confirms they haven't spoken or rekindled anything, and she doesn't want to see him if he is with me. But recently he has been bringing up me leaving. Since we have loved together for 4 years, aside from the last 12 months, it is painful for me to be back intimately living together only to be asked to move out again. He says mostly logical things like he needs space to recover, that he doesn't know what will happen with us but his recovery has to come first, etc. All of which make sense. Except we spend 95% of our time happy and healthy and productive, he constantly expresses gratitude that I am here, and he encouraged me to find a job/sponsor in AlAnon/therapist here. So now that we are happy together, working on recovery, and I have a whole mess of obligations and things to look forward to, he decides I should leave??
What's the right thing? Respect the request, regardless of my feelings? Leave and drop things once and for all? Tell him I have obligations and commitments here and can't go?
Part of me wants to never ever see his lying cheating ass again. And the other part thinks that this is our best shot at a healthy recovery, just keep pushing through and things will get better.
I know I can't make him love me/choose me, but what about the situation can I change, and what's the best path?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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why would you want to STAY with someone who has addiction battles, kicked you out, hooked up with another woman, got all messed up again, calls you back, you clean up the mess and NOW he kicks you out again....? dude doesn't know WHAT he wants....
concerns me that you cleave to his saying "he will be YOURS" - as if you WIN some competition, and he is the prize. and while you say WE are happy and working on recovery....it's not a WE thing...his recovery is HIS, regardless of what you did to help him get there. now in HIS recovery he says, please go away.
i'd have my sh*t packed and out tomorrow and never look back. I don't DO jerked around.....do YOU?
concerns me that you cleave to his saying "he will be YOURS" - as if you WIN some competition, and he is the prize. and while you say WE are happy and working on recovery....it's not a WE thing...his recovery is HIS, regardless of what you did to help him get there. now in HIS recovery he says, please go away.
i'd have my sh*t packed and out tomorrow and never look back. I don't DO jerked around.....do YOU?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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I guess I've always stayed. I stayed after his DUis, after a drunken argument in which he broke my arm, after 3 rehabs. He always convinced me that first and foremost he loved me and he would recover. And I always believed.
Now I am sure that he will recover if he wants to, but I don't know about "us." Or if I should even be thinking about it. When I say "our" recovery, I mean that I am doing some al-anon work too, and trying to find some purpose in life outside of him, to recover from the hell of the last year. But you're right: it's his recovery and mine, independent of each other. And you're also right: I feel used, and like "HE is dumping ME?!?"
I just don't want to make a mistake. I don't want to throw in the towel if things are finally getting better, but I don't want to think I could possible force someone to have a life with me..
Now I am sure that he will recover if he wants to, but I don't know about "us." Or if I should even be thinking about it. When I say "our" recovery, I mean that I am doing some al-anon work too, and trying to find some purpose in life outside of him, to recover from the hell of the last year. But you're right: it's his recovery and mine, independent of each other. And you're also right: I feel used, and like "HE is dumping ME?!?"
I just don't want to make a mistake. I don't want to throw in the towel if things are finally getting better, but I don't want to think I could possible force someone to have a life with me..
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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baby, when they break our ARM it doesn't matter is they SAY I love you...actions, not words.
get out. the mistake would be to stay. he's violent abusive careless reckless....this is not how you fix your past.
you recover by moving AWAY from addiction. you surround yourself with healthy people.....you commit yourself to living a life FREE from active addiction. you can't cure it or control it. EVER.
it's not getting better. YOU can. but this toxic stew will not get better. let him go. free yourself.
get out. the mistake would be to stay. he's violent abusive careless reckless....this is not how you fix your past.
you recover by moving AWAY from addiction. you surround yourself with healthy people.....you commit yourself to living a life FREE from active addiction. you can't cure it or control it. EVER.
it's not getting better. YOU can. but this toxic stew will not get better. let him go. free yourself.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Love isn't painful, it doesn't hurt.
It doesn't leave you broken, confused...
And even if he does recover, are you do sure that will change him because in reality this is him.
Please switch your view. Taking a chance on yourself and saving yourself is certainly not throwing in the towel.
It doesn't leave you broken, confused...
And even if he does recover, are you do sure that will change him because in reality this is him.
Please switch your view. Taking a chance on yourself and saving yourself is certainly not throwing in the towel.
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I have left. Many times in the last 3 years. And he has always worked to get me back. My mom says that I should leave and not worry about him calling to get me back--that alcoholics are notoriously hard to get rid of. That its my choice for me, not his choice for me.
I guess I'm just scared to end something when I can't honestly say I did all I could do to make it work. And, in reality, I know I have gone above and beyond to the point of insanity. But I have faith in his recovery (and that he is finally sick and tired of being sick and tired) and don't want to leave now that he is sober and we are finally connecting again.
I guess I'm just scared to end something when I can't honestly say I did all I could do to make it work. And, in reality, I know I have gone above and beyond to the point of insanity. But I have faith in his recovery (and that he is finally sick and tired of being sick and tired) and don't want to leave now that he is sober and we are finally connecting again.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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but he said there is no WE, he wants you to LEAVE. again.
love does not require we suffer abuse.
with LOVE, real love, there is NO abuse. ever.
you got a broken arm out of the deal, so far. abuse is never acceptable, ever. for any reason. YOU need to believe that.
my husband and I have been together 11 years....we went thru crack addiction together. he never ever once laid a hand on me in anger. he never threatened me, kicked me out, slutted around with other women.....in our worst times he was kind. drug use was never an excuse. no bone on my body has ever been broken by any means.....
he will NEVER fix you. you will NEVER fix him. it's a stalemate.
love does not require we suffer abuse.
with LOVE, real love, there is NO abuse. ever.
you got a broken arm out of the deal, so far. abuse is never acceptable, ever. for any reason. YOU need to believe that.
my husband and I have been together 11 years....we went thru crack addiction together. he never ever once laid a hand on me in anger. he never threatened me, kicked me out, slutted around with other women.....in our worst times he was kind. drug use was never an excuse. no bone on my body has ever been broken by any means.....
he will NEVER fix you. you will NEVER fix him. it's a stalemate.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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I guess I should have clarified that "leaving" wasn't presented as a definitive break-up. What he asked for was the space to recover without relationship pressures immediately in his face. To not live together right now, not to not pursue the relationship. He hasn't mentioned severing the relationship at all, in fact. It's me who thinks that if I leave, it should be a final ending. That is not his request.
Don't know if that makes the situation better or more pathetic though...
Don't know if that makes the situation better or more pathetic though...
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What he asked for was the space to recover without relationship pressures immediately in his face. To not live together right now, not to not pursue the relationship. He hasn't mentioned severing the relationship at all, in fact. It's me who thinks that if I leave, it should be a final ending. That is not his request.
Maybe it is time to not look at what he says, and start looking at what he has done to you. What has transpired that there really are no good excuses for.
What can he even offer you right now, anything but more pain and confusion.
Sadly none of us here will be able to make the right choice for you. There are lessons on any path you could possibility chose. We only know within our own lives what we can never allow as acceptable.
Yet we would be remiss to not ask when it is about YOU, not HIM. Your feelings, what you need and want in this life? Where does a broken arm fit in, cheating fit in?
And in the thinking of he could get better ... The reality is he may not want to, 3 rehab rounds and still he is playing head games with you.
It never will about his recovery but recovering on your own. I will tell you that this is the best gift you can give yourself.
I hope you can take some time today to look within yourself and ask some real important questions ...
Why do allow myself to be treated as I do.
Why weren't the DUI's enough?
Why wasn't a broken arm enough?
Why wasn't 3 rounds of rehab enough?
Why wasn't cheating enough?
For me to realize I deserve better.
Hugs
Take good care of yourself.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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What he asked for was the space to recover without relationship pressures immediately in his face.
what that can be interpreted to is: I still want you there as a fallback plan but I don't want to commit to you - if you are out of the house I can do what I want with whom I want.
if two people have been living together and one says the other should move out because they don't want "relationship pressures" the relationship ceases to exist. you neatly call this a REQUEST. it's pretty much a MESSAGE loud n clear.
he's been "sober" what? a couple weeks now? based on all that has happened, I don't think that is enough to hang around for. he's lied, cheated, used and abused you.
what that can be interpreted to is: I still want you there as a fallback plan but I don't want to commit to you - if you are out of the house I can do what I want with whom I want.
if two people have been living together and one says the other should move out because they don't want "relationship pressures" the relationship ceases to exist. you neatly call this a REQUEST. it's pretty much a MESSAGE loud n clear.
he's been "sober" what? a couple weeks now? based on all that has happened, I don't think that is enough to hang around for. he's lied, cheated, used and abused you.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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When I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, I figured it was the best I was going to do - so I might as well stay.
The thought of being alone was too scary.
Then one day he decided to end it. And I agreed. And then a week later, he regretted it. It would have been so easy to take him back, but at this point I had seen the light. I knew I deserved better.
And so do you.
The thought of being alone was too scary.
Then one day he decided to end it. And I agreed. And then a week later, he regretted it. It would have been so easy to take him back, but at this point I had seen the light. I knew I deserved better.
And so do you.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Well… 33 day of sobriety and he started drinking again. So I guess now I know why he requested that I leave. All the things you guys said on this thread are true: he wanted to pretend to be recovered, he wanted to have me on the back burner, he wanted to drink. Bottom line is that I was getting in the way of his drinking. Sigh.
Behold the power of NO
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Location: WA
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Since then, I've been staying with him, going to meetings with him,
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I'm a recovered anorexic, and started going to meetings to help recover from my eating disorder by using the 12 steps. I am abstinent also from drugs and alcohol because being under the influence triggers eating disorder behavior. That's why I got to meetings. You're right though, I should be doing a better balance of al anon and AA.
Truth shining like a light. He just flew off to party for the weekend in Vegas, claiming he "needed" to enter some tournament and that it was more important that getting back to his IOP. Also because its healthy for him to go and see if he can not drink. Lol. Addict mentality is pretty funny sometimes. How in the world he convinced himself this was the healthy choice....
Fwiw, I'm actually ok tonight, despite the antics. Reaching out to friends for support, continuing to keep my responsibilities and obligations for tomorrow, not taking his antics personally. Waiting for the "rescue me" call, but not putting my life on hold. Told him I couldn't speak to his disease anymore tonight, and didn't react to his obvious attempts at provocation. Crazy ontop of crazy...
Truth shining like a light. He just flew off to party for the weekend in Vegas, claiming he "needed" to enter some tournament and that it was more important that getting back to his IOP. Also because its healthy for him to go and see if he can not drink. Lol. Addict mentality is pretty funny sometimes. How in the world he convinced himself this was the healthy choice....
Fwiw, I'm actually ok tonight, despite the antics. Reaching out to friends for support, continuing to keep my responsibilities and obligations for tomorrow, not taking his antics personally. Waiting for the "rescue me" call, but not putting my life on hold. Told him I couldn't speak to his disease anymore tonight, and didn't react to his obvious attempts at provocation. Crazy ontop of crazy...
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
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That s awesome that you are in recovery and going to AA for yourself 
It was a little unclear from your original post and I have actually known women who went with their AH/ABF to AA and NA to make sure they went there..
pss I have sat in a cafe across the street from my ex's Saturday morning meeting to make sure he was there, I have also called his sponsor, Al Anon has done me some good, I was a complete whack job back then LOL
It was a little unclear from your original post and I have actually known women who went with their AH/ABF to AA and NA to make sure they went there..
pss I have sat in a cafe across the street from my ex's Saturday morning meeting to make sure he was there, I have also called his sponsor, Al Anon has done me some good, I was a complete whack job back then LOL
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Jenibean,
You know deep inside when you are ready to move on and have a life that you deserve. You do know you deserve to be treated with love, respect and honesty right? YOU DESERVE IT. Not only that you are WORTHY of it. I volunteered for a Women's Resource center for two years doing phone lines and court. Aside from his drinking he is also abusing you. There is never an excuse for abuse. EVER. Many women are afraid to leave their abuser because they are afraid they will be alone forever. They are afraid to take that first step..............but once they do and start a new life, they wonder why they did not leave sooner. Going to meetings for yourself is a great thing. Do what is best for you Jenibean and not only know but believe you deserve so much more. Look at the actions not the words.
You know deep inside when you are ready to move on and have a life that you deserve. You do know you deserve to be treated with love, respect and honesty right? YOU DESERVE IT. Not only that you are WORTHY of it. I volunteered for a Women's Resource center for two years doing phone lines and court. Aside from his drinking he is also abusing you. There is never an excuse for abuse. EVER. Many women are afraid to leave their abuser because they are afraid they will be alone forever. They are afraid to take that first step..............but once they do and start a new life, they wonder why they did not leave sooner. Going to meetings for yourself is a great thing. Do what is best for you Jenibean and not only know but believe you deserve so much more. Look at the actions not the words.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Milwaukee, WI
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Honestly i think in a situation like this you need to truly ask yourself how healthy is this for your life and do you think he will get better? he doesn't seem to be too considerate towards you.. relationships should be give and take...
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