Delusion of hope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Marietta, OH
Posts: 22
Delusion of hope
Just as addicts struggle with their addiction to drugs, we as loved ones or family members struggle with our addiction to them. My ex-husband/current boyfriend is my addiction. I continue to want to make everything better for him, control. I convince myself that if I love him enough, if I do enough for him, show him happiness, he will overcome because he will see that the fight through withdrawal and getting help will be worth it. Sometimes I think it is working. But it's not and I know. I've been doing this for years and it's the same thing over and over. One day he's desperate for help, the next day he is in a great mood and happy and loving, the next day his mood is dark and depressed, then he's distant, then he's begging for help again, then he's happy, then depressed....and the cycle continues. I love him so much. I tell him that I will not give up and will always believe and be by his side. But I do this at the cost of my happiness, giving him my time, my attention, my money, paying his bills and feeding him because he will not get a job. Fighting my own depression and feeling of hopeless imagining this as the rest of my life...but not being able to imagine my life with him either. Tried to leave him. I divorced him. I prob could have moved on. But the desperation from him, the pleading and tears, constant and non-stop, month after month, that he can not do this without me and threatening his life. Watching his addiction get worse and his health deteriorating. I could no longer say no and watch him do this. My heart ached and I gave myself back to him. So now the cycle continues. And today. I'm so lost. So sad. And feel so alone.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm sorry you are going through this "can't live with him, can't live without him" sadness. Do you realize that what that thinking says is "I can't live"?
I lost myself in my son's addiction. I loved him and thought I could save him. I threw money at his problems, paid his rent and his bills, bought him groceries and I became part of the problem because he just spent his own money on drugs.
The only way I could find a life worth living again was to stop being part of the problem and become part of the solution...finding recovery for me.
My son didn't cause my unhappiness and broken-ness, I did. My codependency did. And it was up to me alone to find help and regain my balance and my life.
For me, finding meetings and learning to work 12 steps that saved my life, literally, was a blessing that I will always embrace and it gave me the power to take back my life and give my son the dignity of living his...good choices and bad.
The answer to your life becoming happy lies within you. You alone hold the key to your happiness and it's up to you to find that key and learn to live again, in a healthy happy way. Remaining in a toxic relationship will poison you and make you sicker.
Find the courage to reach out for yourself and find what you need to do to move forward in your life.
Hugs
I lost myself in my son's addiction. I loved him and thought I could save him. I threw money at his problems, paid his rent and his bills, bought him groceries and I became part of the problem because he just spent his own money on drugs.
The only way I could find a life worth living again was to stop being part of the problem and become part of the solution...finding recovery for me.
My son didn't cause my unhappiness and broken-ness, I did. My codependency did. And it was up to me alone to find help and regain my balance and my life.
For me, finding meetings and learning to work 12 steps that saved my life, literally, was a blessing that I will always embrace and it gave me the power to take back my life and give my son the dignity of living his...good choices and bad.
The answer to your life becoming happy lies within you. You alone hold the key to your happiness and it's up to you to find that key and learn to live again, in a healthy happy way. Remaining in a toxic relationship will poison you and make you sicker.
Find the courage to reach out for yourself and find what you need to do to move forward in your life.
Hugs
Last edited by Ann; 10-08-2013 at 11:50 AM.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
Please read and re-read Ann's post, over and over. Nothing could be more succinct and gently honest than what she wrote.
Your words remind me all too well of how I arrived at my first Nar-Anon meeting, thinking that there I would learn how to finally help my addicted companion. In time, I learned the most important thing that I could do to help him was this: nothing. I was caught in the same cyclic dance as you, believing that I was somehow responsible for my companion's well-being and somehow able to affect change in him. I now know – and also FEEL – that my only true responsibility is to myself (I don't have children), and that's the way it is for all of us, in all walks of life.
My (ex) companion is in the streets now and there's no way I could stop him from doing what he's decided to do with his life. I did try, for years, even to the point of forcing him back into a rehab community after he "escaped" with almost a year of treatment behind him. The "recovery me" now regrets that I went so far as to force him to return to treatment – he stayed a few more months and then skipped out, again. I say this not believing that he's hopeless, but only with the deeper understanding that he and only he can choose what to do with his life, and when to stop consuming substances, no matter how much he may SAY that he wants to stop.
At some point I finally let go and began to reassess my life, and learn how and why I had allowed myself to be subsumed by another. It was difficult to dig through all my dirt, and it required a lot work (which I continue doing), but now I can look back on who I was BEFORE and who I am NOW and really smile when I see myself in the mirror.
From what you write, I can see that you have a little voice telling you that this is not the life you want. My friend, the only thing holding you back from really being who (and how) you want to be is yourself. The weight that is dragging you down will never let go of you until you yourself let it go, and getting to that point will require some work. You'll find help here, and in other places, as well.
Sending you hugs...
Your words remind me all too well of how I arrived at my first Nar-Anon meeting, thinking that there I would learn how to finally help my addicted companion. In time, I learned the most important thing that I could do to help him was this: nothing. I was caught in the same cyclic dance as you, believing that I was somehow responsible for my companion's well-being and somehow able to affect change in him. I now know – and also FEEL – that my only true responsibility is to myself (I don't have children), and that's the way it is for all of us, in all walks of life.
My (ex) companion is in the streets now and there's no way I could stop him from doing what he's decided to do with his life. I did try, for years, even to the point of forcing him back into a rehab community after he "escaped" with almost a year of treatment behind him. The "recovery me" now regrets that I went so far as to force him to return to treatment – he stayed a few more months and then skipped out, again. I say this not believing that he's hopeless, but only with the deeper understanding that he and only he can choose what to do with his life, and when to stop consuming substances, no matter how much he may SAY that he wants to stop.
At some point I finally let go and began to reassess my life, and learn how and why I had allowed myself to be subsumed by another. It was difficult to dig through all my dirt, and it required a lot work (which I continue doing), but now I can look back on who I was BEFORE and who I am NOW and really smile when I see myself in the mirror.
From what you write, I can see that you have a little voice telling you that this is not the life you want. My friend, the only thing holding you back from really being who (and how) you want to be is yourself. The weight that is dragging you down will never let go of you until you yourself let it go, and getting to that point will require some work. You'll find help here, and in other places, as well.
Sending you hugs...
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
Kudos to Ann. She and I have traveled down this horrible road together in the past and what she says is so true.
The horrible, sad but realistic truth is that you can't save anyone from themselves. And by providing a safe, soft landing for your addict, why would he want to pick himself up?
The hardest thing to realize and accept when you love your addict, as most all of us do, is:
By destroying and giving up our own lives, we cannot save our addict's life.
I am sorry you are dealing with this but YOU are the only one you can save and the only behavior you can change.
Hugs,
Marteen
The horrible, sad but realistic truth is that you can't save anyone from themselves. And by providing a safe, soft landing for your addict, why would he want to pick himself up?
The hardest thing to realize and accept when you love your addict, as most all of us do, is:
By destroying and giving up our own lives, we cannot save our addict's life.
I am sorry you are dealing with this but YOU are the only one you can save and the only behavior you can change.
Hugs,
Marteen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Marietta, OH
Posts: 22
Thank you Ann and everyone for your kind words and encouragement. I have been through therapy, which was helping but then I stopped going out of embarrassment because I would move forward and then fall. I felt like a failure for continuing to do the same thing over and over.
There are no nar-anon groups where I live but I will find an al-anon group and start going. The support is important. Unless people have been through this, it's hard for them to understand how hard it is.
I work at trying to tell myself that I must stop trying to control and take care of my ex. That he has to do this on his own. And by supporting him financially, I'm just allowing him to continue doing what he's doing. And I may not be ready to let him out of my life yet...but I have to start remembering that my life is important too. I have to learn to be happy and take care of myself. Right now, when he says jump, I jump. When he isn't saying jump...I'm waiting for the command. I've lost relationships with friends, have become distant with family. I let him consume my life.
Don't get me wrong. He is not a mean man. He never yells at me or is cruel to me. I have no doubt that he loves me. And he is my best friend. And maybe that is what is so hard. I love him so much. But I know in a way, I lost him a long time ago. Clinging to that hope that he will come back to me. But instead, allowing myself to fall into this dark hole with him....
I'm glad I found this site. I am determined to make a change. And I will read and re-read what you have offered to me. I'm ready to find myself again and get my life back...with or without him.
There are no nar-anon groups where I live but I will find an al-anon group and start going. The support is important. Unless people have been through this, it's hard for them to understand how hard it is.
I work at trying to tell myself that I must stop trying to control and take care of my ex. That he has to do this on his own. And by supporting him financially, I'm just allowing him to continue doing what he's doing. And I may not be ready to let him out of my life yet...but I have to start remembering that my life is important too. I have to learn to be happy and take care of myself. Right now, when he says jump, I jump. When he isn't saying jump...I'm waiting for the command. I've lost relationships with friends, have become distant with family. I let him consume my life.
Don't get me wrong. He is not a mean man. He never yells at me or is cruel to me. I have no doubt that he loves me. And he is my best friend. And maybe that is what is so hard. I love him so much. But I know in a way, I lost him a long time ago. Clinging to that hope that he will come back to me. But instead, allowing myself to fall into this dark hole with him....
I'm glad I found this site. I am determined to make a change. And I will read and re-read what you have offered to me. I'm ready to find myself again and get my life back...with or without him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
what is it that he DOES for you? contributes? enhances your life?
you sound beat down and wore out....you've taken care of him in every way and he does......................what?
a friend, moreso a BEST friend, doesn't wear us out, or take from us, suck us dry.
you deserve better. raise your standards, promote yourself to #1.
you sound beat down and wore out....you've taken care of him in every way and he does......................what?
a friend, moreso a BEST friend, doesn't wear us out, or take from us, suck us dry.
you deserve better. raise your standards, promote yourself to #1.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Marietta, OH
Posts: 22
It is going to be a difficult day. A little history. My ex and I lived on my parent's land, next to them. After the divorce, I actually moved and let him stay. He has done things that have upset my parents but they have forgiven. But this morning, my mother let me know that he stole one of her checks and cashed it yesterday. I am letting him know today that he has to move out today. But this is not only an end to his living arrangements, this is also time for me to let him go. I am a wreck. Trying to stay strong because I easily cave with his manipulation and tears.
So what has he done for me? Not much. But now...what can I do for myself? Give myself a chance and release myself from this sickness. I can do this.
So what has he done for me? Not much. But now...what can I do for myself? Give myself a chance and release myself from this sickness. I can do this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11
Sairuhbeth,
I am new on here I just found this website yesterday and I just read your story and you just explained everything that I am going through with my boyfriend of 5 years we are not married but he has been on drugs for a about a year now. And the pain your going through I feel it too. I also feel so alone because no-one understands. No one understands how hard it is to turn your back and walk away when you love so much more then words can describe when they mean the world to you. And you become so lost because no matter how much you beg or cry or scream and yell for them to change and realize what there doing they just dont stop, and when you try and leave and let them go they always have a way of making you come back. I just wanted to write that I feel the same way you are and thats exactly how my boyfriend is too.
I am new on here I just found this website yesterday and I just read your story and you just explained everything that I am going through with my boyfriend of 5 years we are not married but he has been on drugs for a about a year now. And the pain your going through I feel it too. I also feel so alone because no-one understands. No one understands how hard it is to turn your back and walk away when you love so much more then words can describe when they mean the world to you. And you become so lost because no matter how much you beg or cry or scream and yell for them to change and realize what there doing they just dont stop, and when you try and leave and let them go they always have a way of making you come back. I just wanted to write that I feel the same way you are and thats exactly how my boyfriend is too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Marietta, OH
Posts: 22
Pelly - people will sometimes ask how one can still have so much love for someone who has done so many bad things, that has made decisions that has affected the quality of your life, that has given nothing but has taken what seems to be everything. But I know for me, it's that I still love the man that is not the addict. And I tell myself, he has to still be in there. And I don't want to give up on him and the hope that he'll come back. But it's the realizing that I can no longer allow for this to destroy my life. I can't blame myself anymore or feel this guilt. But it's so hard. Even now, as I'm waiting for him to get here to tell him that he has to leave, I'm already feeling guilty. My heart is already aching for him. But it's not logical. He has hurt me and my family so much, so why do I feel compassion for him and want to hold him and tell him it will be ok. I need to be doing this for me, not him. My thoughts are with you. Thank you for sharing. We feel so alone but there are people out there that do understand and are going through or have gone through the same experience. I am so grateful that I have found this site and for the people on here that support each other.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11
My thoughts are with you too. This is such a wonderful site it really does make you feel like your not alone. I understand everything your going through and it really is the same exact way I feel you just want to keep them safe protect them not let them go and pray they go back to the person you used to no. Its so hard to turn your back on someone you love so much and let go of everything you dreamed to have with them..but your right it does begin to destroy your life. I pray you and me and everyone else in these situations have the strength to let go and move on.
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