My husband is in Rehab, What Im Feeling
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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I'm an X coke head and it lowers your inhibitions to the point that you WILL cheat on someone you love. I loved/love my husband but when I was 20 or however old I was I did make this mistake.
I didn't love him any less. I felt ashamed for what I did. I never did it again.
I have two kids with him and am waiting for him to get out of jail and hopefully go into an inpatient faith based program.
While on drugs you do not have the ability to love others or love, respect or do the right things to others. It makes you selfish and only care about the drugs and everything else follows. It is what it is.
It doesn't mean I don't love him. It just means I made a mistake, while I was high, that tormented me for years until I finally admitted it to him.
Everyone is different I guess.
I didn't love him any less. I felt ashamed for what I did. I never did it again.
I have two kids with him and am waiting for him to get out of jail and hopefully go into an inpatient faith based program.
While on drugs you do not have the ability to love others or love, respect or do the right things to others. It makes you selfish and only care about the drugs and everything else follows. It is what it is.
It doesn't mean I don't love him. It just means I made a mistake, while I was high, that tormented me for years until I finally admitted it to him.
Everyone is different I guess.
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BC,
I do not envy the position you are in. I know couples who were able to move past addiction and grow and trust again. I know coulpes who were able to do the same with infidelity.
Both took time...and time takes time.
You can make the choice to trust him until there is a reason to not trust him.
With my second husband I chose to move forward. At first, the thought that "I" had won and things would be just fine kept me going.
However, for me, the fear of having to enforce the consequences should he mess up again tore at me daily. I eventually had to end it because I couldn't live with the doubts. It changed me as a person and it changed our relationship.
I do not envy the position you are in. I know couples who were able to move past addiction and grow and trust again. I know coulpes who were able to do the same with infidelity.
Both took time...and time takes time.
You can make the choice to trust him until there is a reason to not trust him.
With my second husband I chose to move forward. At first, the thought that "I" had won and things would be just fine kept me going.
However, for me, the fear of having to enforce the consequences should he mess up again tore at me daily. I eventually had to end it because I couldn't live with the doubts. It changed me as a person and it changed our relationship.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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I have been reading, but since Im going to my counseling session tonight I decided to not let my mind wander too much or knowing me I will get all distracted, but I will share more thoughts later. I appreciate people who are posting, thanks. Im looking forward to having dinner with my husband after my session, I think its a good sign.
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Bluechair I can understand everything you are saying. As one other said, it is your path to walk and your husband has his path as well. You both are trying to recover from everything that has happened. There are no time tables for one to follow on drug abuse recovery and infidelity. My husband, when drinking years ago, cheated several times. Years later our marriage is better than ever. Of course he didn't want to talk about it or deal with it at the time because he knew how much he hurt me and the family. It took therapy, lots of conversations and his proof by actions to bring us where we are.It takes TIME. The only thing you can do is the best of your ability. What is good for you and your husband will be good for you both, not necessarily someone else. Everyone is different! I think everything you are feeling is very normal. You are doing the right things though and going to therapy will really help you deal with all these different feelings coming at you. I remember feeling like my emotions were changing minute by minute sometimes. You will "move on" when you are ready to. As for him not telling you how he was feeling, aren't some men like that in general? They do not talk about their feelings like we women do? I like the contract idea and asking for what you need is a great way to start the discussion of what is needed in your marriage. Do not be afraid to ask for what you want and need from him. Forgiveness will take time and work, but with sobriety and working together you may find it is better than you hoped. Try not to be so hard on yourself for feeling all over the place. Again, that is normal and it may be like that for awhile.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Its been about 18 months since my husband went into recovery, we reconciled, and started marriage counseling, individual therapy. It really does take TIME, but I agree that for some couples, going through the process can actually make the relationship stronger. I think the range of emotions your experiencing is normal, and its seems like your doing really well considering its only been a matter of weeks. My therapist told me not to try to suppress my feelings, or skip past them. I think maybe your being too hard on yourself? If your husband is pushing you, then be honest with him - it takes as long as it takes for you to feel comfortable again, and he needs to respect that and be patient.
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Join Date: May 2012
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When my marriage counsellor pushed me to let AH move home, I gave in to her (and my mom's) pressure although I knew I wasn't totally ready. It was stable for a while, but never good. I wasn't ready to love him as he was, for who he was right then, and that meant that on top of all his own problems he was faced with distancing, avoidance, anger, sadness, blame, shame and all kinds of no support from me. While i in no way feel responsible for his recent relapse, nor blame myself for having my own feelings, I can see now how it was a contributing factor. BOTH of us were not emotionally ready to give what the other needed, and living together again made that worse.
I think your friends are dead wrong, and having him home won't make things better. Making things actually better will.
Maybe ask yourself what you want (day to day, in your life, in your relationships, in your friendships) and make a plan to create that for yourself, by yourself. Turn your focus to your own strategy to achieve your desires instead of worrying about his( which you can't control anyway). For me, living together was blocking growth for both of us, and while I hated to admit it at the time, I can see how toxic that was.
I can't say how things are or should be for you, but at least for me when I was in a similar dilemma (unhappy at either prospect), it was a mistake to let him move back in sooner than I was ready, when I was ready to forgive but not accept him.
Hugs, you are not alone, and we support you no matter what you choose.
I think your friends are dead wrong, and having him home won't make things better. Making things actually better will.
Maybe ask yourself what you want (day to day, in your life, in your relationships, in your friendships) and make a plan to create that for yourself, by yourself. Turn your focus to your own strategy to achieve your desires instead of worrying about his( which you can't control anyway). For me, living together was blocking growth for both of us, and while I hated to admit it at the time, I can see how toxic that was.
I can't say how things are or should be for you, but at least for me when I was in a similar dilemma (unhappy at either prospect), it was a mistake to let him move back in sooner than I was ready, when I was ready to forgive but not accept him.
Hugs, you are not alone, and we support you no matter what you choose.
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Originally Posted by BlueChair 
Scattered thoughts today. I wish I could figure out all my feelings, what is wrong with me?
I think sorting through your feelings will take time. And time, well, it takes, er....time.
I hope that you and your husband can allow each other the time and space you need to be healthy and whole....
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Thank you for the boost of encouragement, I was consumed by my own feelings last week. Friday night I went out with friends to dinner, and we saw a movie. I felt sad not to be seeing it with my husband, the idea of leaving him out, but had a good time anyway. Saturday I went to the flea market with girlfriends, and out for lunch, visited my parents, worked on my craft project, invited a couple single girlfriends over to the house for dinner.
Same day, my husband had signed up for a golf outing through the rehab. He's never been very excited about golf because he said it moved too slow, even though he likes the competition and trying to constantly improve his game. Maybe it would be a relaxing hobby for when he comes home? He called me later and told me he enjoyed it and was thinking the same thing.
His parents were out of town this weekend, and I asked my parents if they wanted to go out on Sunday to visit him, so we did that together. My parents love him, but my dad more than my mom is having a hard time trusting him. He's been reading the Internet (hopefully not this site, if so Hi Dad) and thinks he may relapse as soon as he gets out, and it will start all over again. He is worried about me getting hurt. Over these past months he's gone as far as suggesting we separate for a while and I move back in with them.
Tonight I have my family session with H. Probably that will kick off the what if's again, but I feel more refreshed to handle them now.
Same day, my husband had signed up for a golf outing through the rehab. He's never been very excited about golf because he said it moved too slow, even though he likes the competition and trying to constantly improve his game. Maybe it would be a relaxing hobby for when he comes home? He called me later and told me he enjoyed it and was thinking the same thing.
His parents were out of town this weekend, and I asked my parents if they wanted to go out on Sunday to visit him, so we did that together. My parents love him, but my dad more than my mom is having a hard time trusting him. He's been reading the Internet (hopefully not this site, if so Hi Dad) and thinks he may relapse as soon as he gets out, and it will start all over again. He is worried about me getting hurt. Over these past months he's gone as far as suggesting we separate for a while and I move back in with them.
Tonight I have my family session with H. Probably that will kick off the what if's again, but I feel more refreshed to handle them now.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Sounds like you had a great weekend and did some fun things you enjoy. Taking care of yourself really helps to get through the time they are away. I found myself constantly focusing only on my son's recovery but not myself which is not good. I understand your dad being concerned and worrying about you but you have to do what YOU feel is best. Talking with the therapist should help with that. You know, everyone told my husband and I to be ready for the relapse. It's not that we are naive and think it couldn't happen but relapse is not a prerequisite to recovery. Yes many do relapse but many do not. MY son is still new out of recovery but he has 86 days recovery today! He is doing great, better than we could have hoped. We take it one day at a time-all of us. Instead of waiting for the other shoes to drop (which I was doing), I now thank God for every day. None of knows what the future holds.
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Its wonderful news about your son, thank you for sharing with me. when I first found this forum my husband was in the hospital and I was so scared, and I asked for positive stories, helps keep things in perspective.
My feelings fluctuate a lot, but they tell me its normal for what Im going through. I dont want to be negative towards his getting better, I believe he can change the negatives around. I wish I could do something to help my parents not worry about both of us. Ive promised I will let them know if I become seriously worried about anything, not just those odd thoughts Im sure I will get. I think it would help if my parents would sit down with his parents, and they could share some of how they deal with it, they have some background but my parents dont have any in this type of thing.
Thanks again for your note
My feelings fluctuate a lot, but they tell me its normal for what Im going through. I dont want to be negative towards his getting better, I believe he can change the negatives around. I wish I could do something to help my parents not worry about both of us. Ive promised I will let them know if I become seriously worried about anything, not just those odd thoughts Im sure I will get. I think it would help if my parents would sit down with his parents, and they could share some of how they deal with it, they have some background but my parents dont have any in this type of thing.
Thanks again for your note
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: ohio
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haven't posted in a couple weeks, I felt a bit taken aback by responses to the last time I posted..but I understand where the posters were
coming from, and I'm ready to face the music again.
bluechair, I always seem to find ways to relate to your posts. my boyfriend has
now been in rehab for a month and a half. I have attended counseling regularly for myself, and am attending al anon meetings on a weekly basis. I can also relate totally to your parents feelings about your position. granted I am not married, I have been with him for 7 years so I feel at times I am..but my point is my parents are worried I'm going to be sucked in or dragged down. I, like you, believe that I am making the right choice and regardless of what happens, I will be okay. I'm learning to think about myself first and foremost, while still keeping my boyfriend in mind. we as a couple are doing better too, I know there is a long way to go, but one day at a time.. I'm feeling better. that's what matters to me.
coming from, and I'm ready to face the music again.
bluechair, I always seem to find ways to relate to your posts. my boyfriend has
now been in rehab for a month and a half. I have attended counseling regularly for myself, and am attending al anon meetings on a weekly basis. I can also relate totally to your parents feelings about your position. granted I am not married, I have been with him for 7 years so I feel at times I am..but my point is my parents are worried I'm going to be sucked in or dragged down. I, like you, believe that I am making the right choice and regardless of what happens, I will be okay. I'm learning to think about myself first and foremost, while still keeping my boyfriend in mind. we as a couple are doing better too, I know there is a long way to go, but one day at a time.. I'm feeling better. that's what matters to me.
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Im glad you posted Blindsided. I dont like you feel coming here is like 'facing the music'. This is supposed to be about support, and sharing, and to make us think about things after we read different views. It helps me to have you post because we are going through same type of situations, with our guys away in rehab. We are learning and thinking, and with that comes questions, and feelings.
I think we are both lucky to have parents who are concerned about us. I dont like to worry my parents, wish I could prevent it, but I cant wrap myself in a plastic bubble and bounce through life. I think whatever happens I will be ok too, may take more hits to the heart, maybe not. Its life. Im doing one family session, and one counseling session for me alone every week. Both are helping me. Im not sure what Im going to do when he gets out of rehab, I have to talk to them about my continuing care. Only thing is it is a little far from home, but I feel like I have a connection to the counselors now and I hate to break it at this point. I might have a setback or something.
Im glad your back, hang around. we can support each other.
I think we are both lucky to have parents who are concerned about us. I dont like to worry my parents, wish I could prevent it, but I cant wrap myself in a plastic bubble and bounce through life. I think whatever happens I will be ok too, may take more hits to the heart, maybe not. Its life. Im doing one family session, and one counseling session for me alone every week. Both are helping me. Im not sure what Im going to do when he gets out of rehab, I have to talk to them about my continuing care. Only thing is it is a little far from home, but I feel like I have a connection to the counselors now and I hate to break it at this point. I might have a setback or something.
Im glad your back, hang around. we can support each other.
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He didnt come home this weekend because they were having a workshop and guest speaker and he decided he should attend. I started to get excited about his coming home but I think it is a good sign he decided to not even request the pass. He decided to participate in the workshop and gave me some reasons. Im proud of him
Ive been keeping busy all day and going out with our friends tonight. Realizations hit me like tonight we are going to a place we all have gone no big deal, but there are drinks there, music, always we have fun and no one drinks to much, but how will this work once he comes home. Been talking about it with our friends and they have the same thoughts but whats good is they all want to support him and want us to all spend time together even if it is in different environments. They are like its ok there are a million things we can do and have a good time and telling me not to worry
Ive been keeping busy all day and going out with our friends tonight. Realizations hit me like tonight we are going to a place we all have gone no big deal, but there are drinks there, music, always we have fun and no one drinks to much, but how will this work once he comes home. Been talking about it with our friends and they have the same thoughts but whats good is they all want to support him and want us to all spend time together even if it is in different environments. They are like its ok there are a million things we can do and have a good time and telling me not to worry
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Feeling happy. Have the family session tonight and then we will get to spend some time together. I think we are going to talk some about his graduating rehab ! and maybe I will get an actual date when he is coming home. Can you tell I'm excited !!
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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so my boyfriend is nearly two months into his recovery. I started mine a little later than he did, but am also working on my recovery. I recently sent
him a letter, asking about questions that have been eating at
me for awhile now. I got my answers to those questions today and I'm almost more upset now than I was before. I guess I don't know if it's better to know the answers and be educated..or let it all go because it's in the past and it only breeds anger. I'm also finding myself angry at me because I didn't already know the answers, how could I have been a blind to all these things, etc. I have alll these other questions that I don't know if I should even begin to ask. this is just my most recent struggle, for the most part I am staying positive
and focused on the here and now, my recovery and learning to love, live, and worry about me! thanks for listening!
him a letter, asking about questions that have been eating at
me for awhile now. I got my answers to those questions today and I'm almost more upset now than I was before. I guess I don't know if it's better to know the answers and be educated..or let it all go because it's in the past and it only breeds anger. I'm also finding myself angry at me because I didn't already know the answers, how could I have been a blind to all these things, etc. I have alll these other questions that I don't know if I should even begin to ask. this is just my most recent struggle, for the most part I am staying positive
and focused on the here and now, my recovery and learning to love, live, and worry about me! thanks for listening!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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I just assumed the worst. I never got answers and did not want them. In fact, I never want to know because I can expect that everything horrible I thought, is probably what happened. I can't let certain things go because they just cross a line that can never be forgotten. More power to the people that can forgive and forget, some things are just too shocking for me to work through and stay with the addict.
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Originally Posted by PhotoArtist
[I]"Then I think of all of the horrible things I have said to him when I caught him abusing drugs, and I feel horrible. I can't imagine what it has been like for him to hear me call him a "junkie". I know I was wrong for saying such horrible things to him, but when he hurts me I want him to hurt as well. I want him to feel the pain that I feel when he betrays me. But now that I think about it, he IS IN EMOTIONAL PAIN, otherwise he wouldn't abuse in the first place. So every time I criticized him all I was doing was adding to that pain.
I have done this too, and when I think about it I'm sickened. Although it's natural to want to hurt someone when they hurt you - would we ever tell someone with anorexia to "eat a sandwich" or someone with AIDS they "should have wrapped it up"? No, it's abhorrent, and scaring, and yet that's what this disease does - it makes not only the addict but the people around them say and do the most dispicable things.Starting now, I have to remember to remind myself constantly - "he already feels like s%$!, that's why he's using, and saying something mean is only going to make this disease stronger and him weaker to fight it. So for once in your life dummy, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!!" LOL.
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