notreallysure

I posted in here like a month or two ago as a sister of a pill addict/alcoholic. We have recently found out that my brother has been spending upwards of 100/day on heroin (to shoot up). Not only that he is combining lethal doses of Xanax and suboxone when he's not doing heroin.

Anyway I have slowly been able to disconnect from my brother which has been hard obviously but I needed to do it for the sake of my health, sanity and happiness. The issue that I am struggling the most with is that my brother has almost literally taken my parents hostage. They fully support him still (paying for a hotel as we speak for him to stay in since nobody will live with him) and they cant even go out of town for a weekend without my brother going on a bender. I love my parents and have always been close with them but they are almost as sick as he is now. Denial and pretending to be fine and refusing to hear the truth about anything even after I have shown them the needles my brother uses. They only say "this is my life now". He has broken into their home, stolen from them, crashed 5 cars (that they keep replacing)..I could go on and on.

I am getting married next year, have a great job and a great life (minus this part) and I want to share my life with my parents but it's so hard knowing that they are so unhappy and they choose to live this way. I can't cut my parents from my life but it is so painful to talk to them knowing the truth. They are good people but they refuse to see anything but keeping their son alive. He is going to kill himself or someone else at this rate (he drives under the influence all the time) How do I maintain a relationship with them while my brother is so close by ruining their lives?

(Side note, he has been in rehab 3 times and insurance wont cover more than 2 weeks and he loses it at the end of this year.)

Kindeyes

1. Take care of you first.

2. Go to a Nar-Anon meeting, load up on literature and buy a SESH book and give it to your parents.

3. Get info on the closest Salvation Army Adult Rehab and give it to the to give to your brother. (Free 6 mo - one year program)

4. Let go.

I don't usually give advice......not my way.....but those are my best suggestions for you....addiction is a family disease.

Take care of you. You are absolutely right.....as a parent.....I got as sick (or sicker) than my son before I started to get better.

gentle hugs
ke

YouWillBe

So sorry you are watching your precious parents going through this...as a mom of an addict, been there, still there, trying to get better but it's so hard.

Please remember that your parents are Scared. To. Death. They KNOW...they know...they know he's sick and they know this will most likely kill him.

They feel tremendous guilt because parents are hard-wired to help, to rescue, to keep safe.

They feel unconditional love for him and know that he's burned every other bridge - who will care for him if they don't.

They are heart-sick at the thought of him homeless, hungry, cold, hot, tired, sick, depressed, lonely, and sad.

They, undoubtedly, cry them selves to sleep some nights. And they have some days where they secretly almost hate him for putting them through this...and then the guilt sets in again and the need to rescue rises up once more.

It's a vicious, vicious cycle that can LITERALLY kill the parents as sure as the drugs will kill the addict.

I'm living it, as are so many of the parents on here, and it gets to the point of no return, almost. I had to leave my Meth-ed out daughter sitting on a McDonalds lawn, screaming at me to never say I loved her ever again, crying, alone, and homeless. It absolutely tore me to pieces, but, after dealing with the heroin-meth addict rollercoaster for 4 years, the very next day I went to my first meeting - out of DESPERATION and because I was so TERRORIZED I knew I couldn't go on.

Hopefully your parents will come to that point before it ruins them physically, emotionally, and financially. I don't think there is anything you can say to change their minds, because this is in their DNA, and he's their child. Pray for them...encourage them...and support them when they decide to take the upper hand.

Know that they realize it's not optimal and not really helping to support him financially. They KNOW it. But stopping the behavior is just as hard as the addict stopping his.

FeelingGreat

NRS, sorry to hear what you're parents are going though, and I think Kindeyes and YouWillBe have given you constructive suggestions based on real experience. I just want to add, if possible, could you invite your parents to go to a NarAnon meetings with you? If they go just to listen, without you pushing any particular line (such as detaching) to them, they will get support and education and come to their own conclusions. If you aren't in a position to do this, maybe some close friends would stand in for you?

jjj111

notreallysure, my sister is an opiate addict, and I really identify with your story. My parents have both passed away, but when they were alive (especially my Mom), had such a hard time even accepting that my sister was an addict let alone stopping their enabling. My mother loaned my sister more money than I will ever know about, and my Mom got angry at me for not being more understanding of the fact that my sister was "in pain." At one point my sister almost managed to convince my mom to cut me out of her will because my sister needed more help than me. It is SO hard being the "together" kid. I put that in quotes, because of course I have had my own struggles and heartbreaks, but somehow that always paled in comparison to my sister's problems. It got to the point where my Mom told me that I shouldn't talk about what was going well in my life in front of my sister because it made my sister feel bad. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say that I understand how frustrating this must be. Of course you understand that your parents are drowning in worry, but it still doesn't seem fair that she is getting so much of their energy and attention. I think the best anyone can do in this kind of situation is just be the loving parents to ourselves that we wish our parents who are lost in caring for our siblings could be. I don't think you can force your parents to seek serenity any more than you can force your brother. All you can do is take good care of you! Hugs!

YouWillBe

Excellent perspective, jjj111. I needed to read that. I have two other adult children, and the addict's troubles have over-shadowed so much of their lives, even though I try hard not to let it.

I will take your words to heart.

needingabreak

Notreallysure,
You got some great advice and suggestions here. I cannot really add much to what they have already said but just wanted you to know how sorry I am that you and your family are going through this. It is a terrible and absolutely destructive disease. Being the Mom of a recovering addicted son, I can tell you it is so heart breaking for the parents to see your child hurting, even if it is by his own hand. I pray every night for the families. I hope, somehow, you will be able to reach your parents and get them to at least try out a naranon meeting. Once there, others will be able to help them. Just make sure to take car eof yourself and protect yourself. That is very important!

notreallysure

Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words. It helps me a lot. I will hopefully never know what my parents are going through but I just hope hey save themselves since I know they can't save my brother.