Don't know if I should stay with him
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 1
Don't know if I should stay with him
Hi. This is a really hard post for me to write, so sorry if this comes off jumbled.
I've been dating my boyfriend for over four years. He had been this sweet, ambitious, fun guy, but I've since found out that even then he was messing around with pills. Later on, he progressed to heroin and things got much worse. I didn't find out that any of this was going on until two years into our relationship. Since then, there have been 3 times that I found out he had been hiding his using. Those times came to a head when I came home to found him passed out, clammy, and pale with his paraphernalia around, another when he made us leave my family vacation early because he was sick from withdrawals, and the third time when he had to go to the hospital and got arrested for possession. I get that he hid those things because he was scared, but that's not good enough anymore. I've now told him very explicitly that if he ever hides anything again, I absolutely can't stay with him, if only out of respect for myself.
He is doing well right now. He is on probation, but has been clean for 6 months now. He is active in NA and seems to be learning a lot. He is getting his life together more, now. He has a job. He's as sweet as ever. He cares about me.
But.
I am not sure if I really love him anymore. I'm so confused. We are in a long-distance relationship because I'm now going to grad school out of state, but I don't really feel like I miss him that much. I'm not sure if I'm feeling this way because I'm getting worn out dealing with his addiction (and I'm enjoying the distance from that) or if it is because I really am losing my feelings for him.
I think it is possible that our relationship was simply too damaged from his lying. I'm really upset that the whole time we'd been dating, he'd been using. Also, he had stopped taking care of himself. He stopped wearing anything but ratty, stained sweats with holes in them. He stopped taking care of his body. He grew his beard out in a very unkempt way. I had put up with these things before I knew he had an addiction. I tried to justify them. "He's just down on himself. He's enjoying this last chance to not have responsibility before getting a job. The way I feel about him is more important than what he does with his life and his appearance."
Now, though, these things are completely aversive to me. I think it may be because now I associate them with drug use. He still has his beard, and I hate it! He still dresses sloppily. He talks about all these plans of applying for grad school, but instead settles for working for his parents. It sometimes feels like it's all talk. It'd be one thing if what he is currently doing is what he was passionate about, but he isn't. He is unhappy with what he's doing but hasn't done much of anything about it.
In fact, when I confronted him about these things once, and how I felt like we were in entirely different places in our life. He got upset because he told me he needs to put all his focus on staying clean, because that is the most important thing. Sure, that's true. He made me feel like those other concerns (granted some of them were appearance-related) were shallow and unimportant. And so I backed down.
Then there is the idea of the future. We've talked about marriage before. I'd love nothing more than for us to work out and have a happy-ever-after. I am terrified of what the future would hold, though. I can't help but imagine that my boyfriend could go to prison or die, leaving me heartbroken and raising a family on my own. Or, what if the children I have some day develop addictions because it is a genetically predisposed disease? Can I handle that? Is my relationship with him worth the risk of that?
And then... I'm just not sure I'm attracted to him anymore. I worry that there has been too much damage, and that the addiction ruined things beyond repair. Is what I feel for him love? Or do I just think it is because it has faded away too slowly for me to realize what was going on?
Granted, it could be that I feel this way because I can't see how he is doing. It makes me really uncomfortable. He is visiting soon, so I'm hoping to see how I feel then.
Then, there is another thing that concerns me all the while. I'm noticing other guys again. There is a guy in my program that I'm starting to crush on. He is in a relationship, so nothing could happen... but the fact that I'm so attracted to him is a major red flag. I feel so guilty for even feeling that way. It makes me feel like such a bad person, even though I know I'm not. I think part of me is trying to fill a hole that has been left open.
But maybe he'll come to visit and I'll feel all the love again. Maybe these are only insecurities. Leaving to go to grad school has been the best thing I could have done for me. I feel more socially engaged and accomplished than I ever have before. Maybe it is making me realize that he's not right for me... or maybe I'm only feeling insecure. If the love is still there, and if he gets his act together, I have no doubt that we'd be great together. But, those are IFs.
He talks about coming to join me next year. That would depend on him having something to do here. I told him I don't want him to come if he doesn't have something to keep himself busy and feeling good about himself, but do I want him to come? Especially if I'm having these uncertainties? I don't want to uproot him if it isn't in his best interest.
I don't know what to do. Regardless of whatever my romantic feelings are for my boyfriend, I still care about him. He's been doing so well and I'd be terrified, if I were to realize that this isn't love, that he'd relapse. I would be so upset, and not only because of guilt. I really want him to make it. He deserves so much better than this addiction. He deserves a life.
If anyone has any insight, advice, or words of encouragement, I'd be extremely grateful. I just don't know what the right thing is to do.
I've been dating my boyfriend for over four years. He had been this sweet, ambitious, fun guy, but I've since found out that even then he was messing around with pills. Later on, he progressed to heroin and things got much worse. I didn't find out that any of this was going on until two years into our relationship. Since then, there have been 3 times that I found out he had been hiding his using. Those times came to a head when I came home to found him passed out, clammy, and pale with his paraphernalia around, another when he made us leave my family vacation early because he was sick from withdrawals, and the third time when he had to go to the hospital and got arrested for possession. I get that he hid those things because he was scared, but that's not good enough anymore. I've now told him very explicitly that if he ever hides anything again, I absolutely can't stay with him, if only out of respect for myself.
He is doing well right now. He is on probation, but has been clean for 6 months now. He is active in NA and seems to be learning a lot. He is getting his life together more, now. He has a job. He's as sweet as ever. He cares about me.
But.
I am not sure if I really love him anymore. I'm so confused. We are in a long-distance relationship because I'm now going to grad school out of state, but I don't really feel like I miss him that much. I'm not sure if I'm feeling this way because I'm getting worn out dealing with his addiction (and I'm enjoying the distance from that) or if it is because I really am losing my feelings for him.
I think it is possible that our relationship was simply too damaged from his lying. I'm really upset that the whole time we'd been dating, he'd been using. Also, he had stopped taking care of himself. He stopped wearing anything but ratty, stained sweats with holes in them. He stopped taking care of his body. He grew his beard out in a very unkempt way. I had put up with these things before I knew he had an addiction. I tried to justify them. "He's just down on himself. He's enjoying this last chance to not have responsibility before getting a job. The way I feel about him is more important than what he does with his life and his appearance."
Now, though, these things are completely aversive to me. I think it may be because now I associate them with drug use. He still has his beard, and I hate it! He still dresses sloppily. He talks about all these plans of applying for grad school, but instead settles for working for his parents. It sometimes feels like it's all talk. It'd be one thing if what he is currently doing is what he was passionate about, but he isn't. He is unhappy with what he's doing but hasn't done much of anything about it.
In fact, when I confronted him about these things once, and how I felt like we were in entirely different places in our life. He got upset because he told me he needs to put all his focus on staying clean, because that is the most important thing. Sure, that's true. He made me feel like those other concerns (granted some of them were appearance-related) were shallow and unimportant. And so I backed down.
Then there is the idea of the future. We've talked about marriage before. I'd love nothing more than for us to work out and have a happy-ever-after. I am terrified of what the future would hold, though. I can't help but imagine that my boyfriend could go to prison or die, leaving me heartbroken and raising a family on my own. Or, what if the children I have some day develop addictions because it is a genetically predisposed disease? Can I handle that? Is my relationship with him worth the risk of that?
And then... I'm just not sure I'm attracted to him anymore. I worry that there has been too much damage, and that the addiction ruined things beyond repair. Is what I feel for him love? Or do I just think it is because it has faded away too slowly for me to realize what was going on?
Granted, it could be that I feel this way because I can't see how he is doing. It makes me really uncomfortable. He is visiting soon, so I'm hoping to see how I feel then.
Then, there is another thing that concerns me all the while. I'm noticing other guys again. There is a guy in my program that I'm starting to crush on. He is in a relationship, so nothing could happen... but the fact that I'm so attracted to him is a major red flag. I feel so guilty for even feeling that way. It makes me feel like such a bad person, even though I know I'm not. I think part of me is trying to fill a hole that has been left open.
But maybe he'll come to visit and I'll feel all the love again. Maybe these are only insecurities. Leaving to go to grad school has been the best thing I could have done for me. I feel more socially engaged and accomplished than I ever have before. Maybe it is making me realize that he's not right for me... or maybe I'm only feeling insecure. If the love is still there, and if he gets his act together, I have no doubt that we'd be great together. But, those are IFs.
He talks about coming to join me next year. That would depend on him having something to do here. I told him I don't want him to come if he doesn't have something to keep himself busy and feeling good about himself, but do I want him to come? Especially if I'm having these uncertainties? I don't want to uproot him if it isn't in his best interest.
I don't know what to do. Regardless of whatever my romantic feelings are for my boyfriend, I still care about him. He's been doing so well and I'd be terrified, if I were to realize that this isn't love, that he'd relapse. I would be so upset, and not only because of guilt. I really want him to make it. He deserves so much better than this addiction. He deserves a life.
If anyone has any insight, advice, or words of encouragement, I'd be extremely grateful. I just don't know what the right thing is to do.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Shouldistay, it sounds like you have a long list of reasons why you just aren't that into him anymore. It sounds like you have gotten some distance from him and are starting an exciting new life in grad school, and realizing that he doesn't really do it for you anymore. Maybe it doesn't really matter whether it's his history of addiction or his appearance or his lack of ambition or whatever. If you're over it, you're over it! It's your call, but what I'm hearing in your post is that you're over it but just maybe feeling guilty about breaking up. Good luck!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Often putting some distance between ourselves and the problem offers a better perspective and many times we ask ourselves "what WAS I thinking?"
You are right to have these thoughts, imagine your relationship on its worst day and then add a child to the equation. It's a frightening thought for anyone.
Even healthy relationships run their course sometimes, when the people simply grow apart.
It might be wise to keep the distance and take a good look at how you would like your life to be in a year, 5 years, 15 years and ask yourself if you honestly think that is possible if you continue a relationship with this man.
I wish you well, as confusing as it may be, I think you are on the right track with your concerns.
Hugs
You are right to have these thoughts, imagine your relationship on its worst day and then add a child to the equation. It's a frightening thought for anyone.
Even healthy relationships run their course sometimes, when the people simply grow apart.
It might be wise to keep the distance and take a good look at how you would like your life to be in a year, 5 years, 15 years and ask yourself if you honestly think that is possible if you continue a relationship with this man.
I wish you well, as confusing as it may be, I think you are on the right track with your concerns.
Hugs
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