Righteousness
 

Anyone else get caught up here? Or in all or none thinking? Self-righteousness has seemingly been my modus operandi with my AXBF. Basically, by telling myself he was a jerk and I am not a jerk, helps me to stay away. It works for a little while, and then I feel guilty that I left him in anger, disgust, disdain, and resentment. It is hard for me to just let it go and realize we both had faults. I have to make him out to be the enemy, or I feel I will cave in maybe until I have more recovery under my belt. Can I just be angry and righteous for a little while longer please?

Hi B&B,

I think you can do whatever works for you however, for me, anger is too exhausting.

My friend taught me to use the word unfortunate and it has helped me a lot.

It truly is unfortunate.

Unfortunately, there are no winners. Addiction is lose-lose situation.

I hear you both LMN and PC- there are no winners and it is unfortunate. It does not stop me from the sense of "I am better than this" to keep from getting sucked back in. Maybe it is more a matter of that I DESERVE better versus I AM better. But just saying I deserve better in my head sounds righteous and feels like I am setting myself up for failure. I still feel the wall I have built by telling myself I am too good for him is keeping me away from him. It is how I came to block him from reaching me. Now I want to drop the anger and righteousness but it does not feel safe yet.

It's your progress that really matters here -- if you're doing what you need to feel safe (without causing harm to someone else), then I say go with it – FOR NOW. It's obvious from what you write that you already know that there's something not quite correct about how you're dealing with this issue, so it is a bit like a game, isn't it, then? At some point you'll probably be ready and willing to let go of THAT, as well.

For me, I find that acceptance is like an onion with infinite layers: once I think that I've finally accepted everything I inevitably find that there's yet another level beneath, with different issues that reveal different aspects of what acceptance really means. I imagine that once you pass through this phase, you'll accept what you need to in terms of your limitations, as well as your boyfriend's, and begin to feel safe without the need to blame him.

However, I think that looking at this as a lose-lose situation might keep you stuck in thinking about your ex as someone you COULD HAVE helped (or saved), if only the playing field had been more even, or if it hadn't rained, etc. (to maintain the gaming metaphor). In my opinion, thinking like we lost keeps us stuck; I rather prefer to focus on who I am and what I will become – that's my only responsibility. No one else can do it for me, and I am not responsible for what someone else will become.... believe me, I still have hard moments (I'm 7 months since breaking contact with my ex), but if I look back on how I was living, how miserable and really screwed up I was, I know that this is the best path for me.

Maybe I am more angry with myself than with him. I think I am still experiencing some PTSD. I know this anger is a clue. Letting go was really only the first step. Yesterday, I went out and spent time alone in nature, in a place of unimaginable beauty and serenity. The result was real inner peace and then I returned to the city and the frenetic energy returned. I wonder how to create that within regardless of my environment.

To think that you deserve better and want a better life is not righteous in my view.

Where to start with this...

I have learned that owning up to my shortcomings and failures is liberating. It's not something to be feared. It's something to embrace. Your AXBF's shortcomings and failures are his own and have nothing to do with you. And it's because of those that you're staying the hell away from him.

Anger, in my view, is OK so long as it doesn't dominate your cognitive reasoning. Once it does, you'll have a hard time breaking free of it. So, in your own mind, own up to what you have to own up to, and keep pushing forward...

ZoSo

B&B - have you ever just given yourself PERMISSION to be done? without making it anybody's fault? or needing the perfectly acceptable REASON?

that can be a big step when we've never felt like we HAD a voice, or a choice. but we DO. we can make decisions and NOT have to defend them to death. we can choose a course of action and not worry what others will think. honestly, not THAT many people are watching or find our own lives THAT captivating. it's all in our head.

ending a relationship is not a crime. removing ourselves for a toxic situation is the RIGHT and HEALTHY thing to do. we are not responsible for anyone else's life or feelings but our own (children of course excluded!). we ARE however responsible for ourselves.....to learn, tend to our wounds, heal. as long as we defiantly hold on to our yesterdays, we leave little room for today or whatever tomorrow may bring. the Universe is in the now and AHEAD of us. the Universe will invite and offer, but only for so long. we CAN choose to stay exactly as we are, where we are, that is always our right, but like Groundhog's Day the scenery won't change. there will be less and less NEW, because we've made it clear we don't WANT new.

Anger and resentment.....self righteous indignation.......all of it.....has been replaced by a sense of gratitude for me. I hate addiction and what it does to people but I've learned a great deal about compassion, boundaries, tolerance, and silence......lessons I might not have learned otherwise. I found strength and peace because of addiction. I found self love because of addiction. I've met amazing people and continue to do so......recovering addicts and their loved ones.....all because if addiction.

I still hate the disease of addiction......but I don't hate people who are addicted.

gentle hugs
ke

I think now that the dust is settling from the multiple break-ups, I see what behavior I was actually tolerating. When in the middle of the relationship, everything was about him. I shrunk in the presence of him and his addiction. Now I see what he ACTUALLY did without making excuses for his behavior. Now I feel the pain after suppressing the anger. I agree that it would be best for my health to work through the negative emotions. I jumped ahead to gratitude, forgiveness, and acceptance sooner than I was ready for it without ever validating my anger. The anger is just something I have to face now, and it does not rear its ugly head through any sort of emotional outbursts. It shows up primarily as anxiety and this unfamiliar manic state I have been in since coming home. I think like you all said- I just need to keep moving forward. I have never given myself permission to just be done. I have said I am done for now but never done for good. The only thing I would change was breaking up with him in angry manner. Not that it matters.