Posting Respectfully...Please Read
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Posting Respectfully...Please Read
This is something I posted before and felt it was due to be posted again...
I felt a need to post something here about being respectful to other members and keeping in mind that many people posting here are newcomers or old timers in crisis and their emotions are raw.
When I was new to recovery, just finding the courage to go to a meeting and share was intimidating for me. I didn’t say a word for the first 3 meetings, just sat there and cried with a box of tissues. I remember those feelings each time a newcomer walks in the door and each time one of us is in crisis and needs to share.
Sometimes the poster just needs a shoulder, sometimes just someone to validate how they feel rather than challenge the situation that brought them to this feeling. And mostly they need you to share YOUR experience, strength and hope so that we can learn something useful and “see” recovery at work.
When choices are challenged by others (no matter how good or poor their choices may be) it makes a person feel defensive or like the world’s biggest loser and there isn’t an ounce of recovery to grab on to.
An example would be someone who discovered their spouse is an addict and things are not good at home (Imagine their pain, confusion and heartache). To simply reply “why do you stay with this loser?” or “Why don’t you just leave” doesn’t help anyone. In recovery we don’t “tell” anyone what to do, we share our own experience, strength and hope and, if asked, we gently and respectfully offer suggestions. Recovery is about treating people the way we like to be treated. Recovery is about giving freely what was so freely given to us.
That is not to say we walk on eggshells here, we can shoot straight goods without attacking the person or their decisions. Our differences are what makes this forum interesting and helpful to so many people, because there is always someone who can relate to us. I embrace our diversity as something valuable that brings all kinds of recovery to the site. But when I feel my adrenaline pumping over a post I am reading, I find it good to just sit on my hands until I can calmly and respectfully say what is in my heart.
We come here from all corners of the world and our customs and practices vary significantly sometimes. How we speak may come across as harsh to someone who can’t see our faces or know us well enough to understand our personalities.
I love all you members here, the mamas, the spouses, the partners, the siblings and all who love an addict. I have stayed here and continued to grow for over 11 years because of YOU and all you have shared with me and the support you have given me, and for that I am grateful.
As a moderator here, I am proud of the people on this forum, because you all are the most supportive, kindest, funniest, and dearest people I have met here at SR. Something my dear friend Hangin’ In has said often is a good reminder for all of us, including me…she says “Say what you mean and mean what you say, just don’t say it mean.”
Hugs to each one of you
I felt a need to post something here about being respectful to other members and keeping in mind that many people posting here are newcomers or old timers in crisis and their emotions are raw.
When I was new to recovery, just finding the courage to go to a meeting and share was intimidating for me. I didn’t say a word for the first 3 meetings, just sat there and cried with a box of tissues. I remember those feelings each time a newcomer walks in the door and each time one of us is in crisis and needs to share.
Sometimes the poster just needs a shoulder, sometimes just someone to validate how they feel rather than challenge the situation that brought them to this feeling. And mostly they need you to share YOUR experience, strength and hope so that we can learn something useful and “see” recovery at work.
When choices are challenged by others (no matter how good or poor their choices may be) it makes a person feel defensive or like the world’s biggest loser and there isn’t an ounce of recovery to grab on to.
An example would be someone who discovered their spouse is an addict and things are not good at home (Imagine their pain, confusion and heartache). To simply reply “why do you stay with this loser?” or “Why don’t you just leave” doesn’t help anyone. In recovery we don’t “tell” anyone what to do, we share our own experience, strength and hope and, if asked, we gently and respectfully offer suggestions. Recovery is about treating people the way we like to be treated. Recovery is about giving freely what was so freely given to us.
That is not to say we walk on eggshells here, we can shoot straight goods without attacking the person or their decisions. Our differences are what makes this forum interesting and helpful to so many people, because there is always someone who can relate to us. I embrace our diversity as something valuable that brings all kinds of recovery to the site. But when I feel my adrenaline pumping over a post I am reading, I find it good to just sit on my hands until I can calmly and respectfully say what is in my heart.
We come here from all corners of the world and our customs and practices vary significantly sometimes. How we speak may come across as harsh to someone who can’t see our faces or know us well enough to understand our personalities.
I love all you members here, the mamas, the spouses, the partners, the siblings and all who love an addict. I have stayed here and continued to grow for over 11 years because of YOU and all you have shared with me and the support you have given me, and for that I am grateful.
As a moderator here, I am proud of the people on this forum, because you all are the most supportive, kindest, funniest, and dearest people I have met here at SR. Something my dear friend Hangin’ In has said often is a good reminder for all of us, including me…she says “Say what you mean and mean what you say, just don’t say it mean.”
Hugs to each one of you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Here and now
Posts: 325
Thank Ann! I have found SR amazing being a newbie and I see much empathy from a lot of folks. Every now and then I see something that I know will cause contraversy and then I just say "Bless their heart" and keep it moving. 
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Thanks Ilovelysonjj, your inspiration here sets the tone for good sharing and solid recovery.
Jacrazz, I cannot tell you how much that means to me to hear this from a newcomer. I appreciate your support and am so glad you joined us. It's people like you who lit up these boards when people like me arrived.
Jacrazz, I cannot tell you how much that means to me to hear this from a newcomer. I appreciate your support and am so glad you joined us. It's people like you who lit up these boards when people like me arrived.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Here and now
Posts: 325
Just when I thought I was alone....I came to SR and was SHOCKED to see my story, exact story, over and over again! I gave me a sense of peace. And to see the seasoned veterans give such warm words of wisdom (because in my eyes you guys are as good as it gets) make the pain a little bearable. Sometimes I get a little hopeful for my XABF but then I read the threads of some and reality sets in! I could never get offended at the advise on here because most of you see us newbies on here and think back when you were a newbie to Alcoholism and say "SAVE YOURSELVES". You know the hard lessons and don't want us to go through it, but know that many of us are in denial (I love him, he is so awesome when he isn't drinking, and a bunch of our own Codie quacking!) I know I'm still a work in progress and thank you all!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Originally Posted by jacrazz 
Just when I thought I was alone....I came to SR and was SHOCKED to see my story, exact story, over and over again! I gave me a sense of peace. And to see the seasoned veterans give such warm words of wisdom (because in my eyes you guys are as good as it gets) make the pain a little bearable. Sometimes I get a little hopeful for my XABF but then I read the threads of some and reality sets in! I could never get offended at the advise on here because most of you see us newbies on here and think back when you were a newbie to Alcoholism and say "SAVE YOURSELVES". You know the hard lessons and don't want us to go through it, but know that many of us are in denial (I love him, he is so awesome when he isn't drinking, and a bunch of our own Codie quacking!) I know I'm still a work in progress and thank you all!
I guess this is one of the only places in my life where it feels safe to share freely, and where I feel the unimportant stuff disappears. We identify not because of age, race, religion, looks, geography, circumstances, but purely because we are human beings who are struggling. I feel privileged to be here. Thanks to Ann and all the mods for helping us keep our eye on the horizon!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Here and now
Posts: 325
Thank you so much Janie...and thanks to all these threads and the advice to educate myself about the alcohol/drug addiction, I am more empathetic to the A's in my life! My son addiction and my recent breakup with my ABF along with SR have been a real ground shaking eye opener!! I will also add that I am in Nursing school and I'm in the mental health/addiction part of the program....needless to say I will be Acing this!
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by jaynie04
I guess this is one of the only places in my life where it feels safe to share freely, and where I feel the unimportant stuff disappears. We identify not because of age, race, religion, looks, geography, circumstances, but purely because we are human beings who are struggling. I feel privileged to be here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Thank you Anne
Dearest Anne
YOu give tirelessly of your time. I thank God for people like you and all the other wonderful members here on SR - the newbies and the old timers (Vale, Englishgarden and co). I would not be where I am today without SR. Thank you and God bless you all.
YOu give tirelessly of your time. I thank God for people like you and all the other wonderful members here on SR - the newbies and the old timers (Vale, Englishgarden and co). I would not be where I am today without SR. Thank you and God bless you all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Thank you once again for your message of kindness, Ann.
No one called me an idiot when I came here (though I WAS at my wit's end).
No one attacked me or tried to make me feel lesser about myself (I am MORE
than happy with my place in this world and I am SURE I could hurt
-----nuke, actually----their feelings via PM if they tried).
(but to what end?)
Aren't we all getting a little tired of the wild west internet trolls who delight in
hurting others and fomenting hurt-----hiding behind anonymity? Many major venues are
stepping away from unfiltered anonymous posting, for good reasons.
The problem is.....most people (and by that I mean ME) would never touch a sensitive
subject matter BBS like this with a 10 ft pole without anonymity. We have too much too lose in
the real world. Even though perfectly anonymous---I have changed minor details of my
story so that should the children of the person I cared about ever come across it---
it wouldn't 'fit'. Those are called 'dithers' and are one of the ways intelligence services
root out rats. It's not germane to the story if she had 2 daughters, an only son, or 3 daughters.
One of the things I have learned in my 53 years is the toughest talkers
are the first to "jettison liquid waste" when things get interesting. They are
well advised to wear dark slacks. One of the falsehoods these cowards love
to promulgate is that kindness is for the weak, and that to show kindness is
a mark of weakness.
To prey for, lust for, and act upon impulses that involve hurting people
in the throes of crisis----that, my friends, is 99 &44/100th's percent cowardice.
Even surrender under a flag of white has dignity. But there is no dignity in
the hurting of the vulnerable.....THAT flag carries a different color----the color
their trousers would be without the foresight to wear black.
Armies don't murder one another anymore. We've learned a thing or two in
10,000 years. We give defeated combatants food, shelter, medical attention,
and contact with their loved ones to let them know they are OK. Our humanity does
NOT weaken us. It STRENGTHENS us. They KNOW they lost-----to rob them
of their dignity serves no useful purpose....and it is wrong.
You cannot go wrong with kindness. It is how we do things on SR, watched over
by wise denizens like Ann. If that higher order operating mode is too difficult or
challenging....I hear Macy's has a TON of yellow crap on the sale rack this week.....
Be kind.
No one called me an idiot when I came here (though I WAS at my wit's end).
No one attacked me or tried to make me feel lesser about myself (I am MORE
than happy with my place in this world and I am SURE I could hurt
-----nuke, actually----their feelings via PM if they tried).
(but to what end?)
Aren't we all getting a little tired of the wild west internet trolls who delight in
hurting others and fomenting hurt-----hiding behind anonymity? Many major venues are
stepping away from unfiltered anonymous posting, for good reasons.
The problem is.....most people (and by that I mean ME) would never touch a sensitive
subject matter BBS like this with a 10 ft pole without anonymity. We have too much too lose in
the real world. Even though perfectly anonymous---I have changed minor details of my
story so that should the children of the person I cared about ever come across it---
it wouldn't 'fit'. Those are called 'dithers' and are one of the ways intelligence services
root out rats. It's not germane to the story if she had 2 daughters, an only son, or 3 daughters.
One of the things I have learned in my 53 years is the toughest talkers
are the first to "jettison liquid waste" when things get interesting. They are
well advised to wear dark slacks. One of the falsehoods these cowards love
to promulgate is that kindness is for the weak, and that to show kindness is
a mark of weakness.
To prey for, lust for, and act upon impulses that involve hurting people
in the throes of crisis----that, my friends, is 99 &44/100th's percent cowardice.
Even surrender under a flag of white has dignity. But there is no dignity in
the hurting of the vulnerable.....THAT flag carries a different color----the color
their trousers would be without the foresight to wear black.
Armies don't murder one another anymore. We've learned a thing or two in
10,000 years. We give defeated combatants food, shelter, medical attention,
and contact with their loved ones to let them know they are OK. Our humanity does
NOT weaken us. It STRENGTHENS us. They KNOW they lost-----to rob them
of their dignity serves no useful purpose....and it is wrong.
You cannot go wrong with kindness. It is how we do things on SR, watched over
by wise denizens like Ann. If that higher order operating mode is too difficult or
challenging....I hear Macy's has a TON of yellow crap on the sale rack this week.....
Be kind.
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