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rambling and thinking out loud

Old 10-03-2013, 03:59 PM
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rambling and thinking out loud

Im sitting here getting ready for a meeting and I find myself asking why.

Why did I have this strong desire to be a wife and mother. Others have a desire for a career or education, but not me.

I also chose men who had problems. D is addicted to heroin, and my xbf before him was an alcoholic.

I split D into two people for a very long time. I am an addict, I used pills legally for years, and didnt fall into heroin until this summer. I always thought I was the good one. I have never stolen to feed my demons, I dont frequent pawn shops. I have a good job and pay my own way. True that I would get small loans from a friend of mine, but I always paid her back by payday. D was the same way. Why did I think there was an addict version of him, and a regular version? I dont think of myself that way. I am me. I am the same person.

I am frustrated that it all boils down to choices. Why do the rehabs say it is a disease? I chose every time... people with a disease cant choose to get well.

Why did I think that D would choose me and the children over drugs? Why did I think that rehab was the cure? Why did my friends and family choose to stay in denial? Even when they could see it in front of their faces??

I wonder what will happen to D. Will he be murdered in prison? What will the letter say when it comes?

Why is his mother so controlling? She showed up at my house today blabbing about herself and how hard this all has been. Blah blah blah. Whatever. I had no time for her pity party. She was so enmeshed with D that she is now withdrawing, and yet she refuses treatment. All of a sudden since he has been gone she is blowing up my phone and email and showing up at random.
I will not let her use me. No way.

I guess I am done rambling for now.
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Old 10-03-2013, 06:32 PM
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It doesnít matter how you assign it. And why it is given the disease assignment is because an addict will continually use despite all negative consequences. Disease of choice I like.
I donít think anyone who uses ever looks at the possibility of becoming an addict. You donít go out striving to become an addict.

How many do you know who od-ed and left the hospital to go right back out and shoot up? How many do you know who lost their friends and swore they wouldnít and couldnít hurt their families like that, who used almost instantly. And it isnít selfish, or personal, it is just one f*cked up bit of insanity. It is addiction.

Why did I think that D would choose me and the children over drugs?
Was he capable of making that choice?

Why did I think that rehab was the cure?
Not sure, it is an inside job. Rehab is layover, a respite from the insanity, a place to learn you arenít unique nor alone and that there are people who understand. It is a place to learn about yourself and tools to help yourself.

Why did my friends and family choose to stay in denial? Even when they could see it in front of their faces??
Can you imagine your own child growing up to use? And there is your answer. It is so hard for parents to accept the truth because they jump right in and take the blame as the reason why. And in that moment the addiction wins and the twisted family dynamics begin. Family disease, oh yeah, big time.

His mom, read below. She really may be in withdrawl
The Brain Chemistry of Being a Loved One


You are going to have to keep it simple. I understand the questions. I tortured myself in them for a long time, to find that sometimes there just arenít any answers no matter how many thousands of ways you can ask the same question. You are going to have to accept that what happened, did. That you might not ever know why, butÖand this is importantÖyou got a chanceÖso donít screw it up over analyzing everything.

There are endless possibilities out there waiting on you. Donít miss a damn thing!
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Old 10-03-2013, 11:20 PM
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We're sorry you are hurting, Lily.

Take Care.
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Old 10-04-2013, 05:06 AM
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I hope you find your peace too, Lily.

I am a mother of an addicted adult son and I know how far down I had to fall with him before I found my own recovery which literally saved my life.

Prayers for the addict, prayers for the mamas, and prayers for the spouses and children who must find a safe and healthy life without them.

Hugs
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Old 10-04-2013, 09:36 AM
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I can say that my thoughts on starting and then maintaining to do drugs had a lot to do with not liking who I was. That was a vicious cycle. Still is. (Even though i'm sober 4+ years)
My need for commitment was to prove to myself that I deserved not to be abandoned.
Also, my need to be needed and the void it filled to feel that I could satisfy someone. Probably because I was useful.. therefor meant something in the World. Still... from low self-worth, and low-self esteem.
I'm personally trying to love myself. I still have the little demon whispering in my ear. I tackle this with prayer and positive self talk. Saying, I am worth something. I am loved. I deserve to be happy. Stuff like that.

Hope you have a good day
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