Summerpeach

I've had this close friend for 14 yrs. From the day I met her, I knew she was a coke addict and emotionally the most unwell human I ever met. But she has a heart of gold and had many good traits. She would not harm a fly, takes in rescue animals etc...
I was unfamiliar about addictions and how they worked back when I met her or else I would have ran...and fast!

Our friendship has ended over 10 times in the 14 yrs. There was a time I didn't talk to her for 3 yrs because of her erratic and insane behaviors

She always ended up contacting me with promises that she changed or stopped using etc.
She is the type of person if you don't respond to one of her txt or phone calls in 10 mins, she will send a txt reply like "You know what, don't ever contact me again, you obviously love drama. Go F yourself and never contact me again"

You know the drill with a coke addict right?

Well last May I finally had it. I walked away for good....and 2 months ago, who shows at my door? Yep, her again saying she is in NA, changed etc. I knew none of this was true, but mutual friends were saying I need to just accept the good parts of her. I hung with her again, and she would not dare use around me, but within weeks her insanity started again and I detached

Now here's a kicker: her Mom just won a TON of money in the lottery and gave her tons of money. She went from poor to having over 100 grand in the bank. She is using, hanging out with her ex abuser and just doing crazy things.

I detached again, but when she txt, I reply in kind but avoid her like the black plague now.

I'm at a loss with this friend. The bigger parts of me want to never see her again and the other parts (the al anon parts - been in al anon 4 yrs) say "detach with love, it's her life, accept her for who she is, see her only on occasions (when she's sober) and just love her and stop judging her"

She is the last of the addicts who I was surrounded by. I have amazing healthy friends in my life now

Any insight would be great...thanks

doggonecarl

My thoughts...Accepting her as she is doesn't mean you have to see her, even occasionally. I think accpecting her as she is and knowing she isn't going to change is perfectly in line with doing what is best for your own well being, which is telling her goodbye.

And on the topic of acceptance...accept your own decisions.

fourmaggie

are you doing your steps at all...? in Na anon?

the cycle will always be there if you continue it...

Summerpeach

I've worked my steps in AL Anon...

My "friendship" with her is great when I only see her on occasions and our old group is out for dinner or a party. The thing is, we all accept her but I'm the one she latches on to. She will call a few times a day, want to hang out etc. then bang, she stops calling and ignores me when she's using or with a guy.
Then I back away and I get the old "Why do you ignore me". Her brain is totally fried.
I told her when she came back the last time I don't want a close friendship, but have no trouble seeing her on certain occasions, and it worked well.

I don't want to totally cut her off, but prefer the "here and there "seeing her with friends. Not alone, can't do the alone with her anymore.
I just need to learn to not react when she lashes out when I don't give in to her "how come you stopped calling me"

dealing with an active addict is exhausting

blackandblue

Glad to see you back SP! I think you have all of your answers already in your post as you seem to have a strong recovery. Ask yourself the 4 annoying questions of Al-anon- what is my motivation? how important is it? what step/slogan applies? have I prayed?

Twofish

Hello SP, This is a good perfect reminder WhY we shouldn't do drugs...look what it does to our brains, memories, friends etc. This has to be hard on you. She's lucky that you care!
Now, you take care of yourself! TF

Ann

I need to ask myself that more often, thanks for the reminder.

It's sad how all that money just might put her in an early grave. I will keep her in my prayers Summerpeach.

I have had to let a few friendships go in my life. Most of the faded quietly and if they contacted me today I would meet for lunch with an escape plan in place for after an hour or so.

I think your compassion is admirable, but addiction and friendship rarely go together.

Good luck.

Ann

Summerpeach

Honestly, it's heartbreaking. Thanks all for your words and prayers.

There is HER and HER mental disease.

Vale

Nothing defines a no-win scenario as completely as a
friendship with someone in the throes of addiction.

AnvilheadII

the problem with volatile unstable people, addicts or not, is that they ARE unstable and inconsistent and not likely to follow the rules and the norms. they will violate no contact, they will initiate no contact, they will get hostile if we withdraw, and demanding and draining if we stick around.

you said at the outset she is the most unwell person you have ever met. and yet.......you put up with her antics for 14 years and have had at least 10 breakups.

what do YOU get out of continuing this crazy dance with her?

YouWillBe

I have wished so many times that the addict in my life was anyone but my daughter. After the pain and anguish of this...I would be gone in a heartbeat.

I would never stop loving them and praying for them, but the interaction would no longer be there. That's just me...but life is so short. Having ickiness in it that we COULD avoid seems really counter-intuitive to our happiness.