Getting him out of my home
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Columbus
Posts: 13
Getting him out of my home
Well, I'm back with another chapter in my story, and hopefully it will be one of the last that has him in it. But I need some wisdom, and to know that what I'm planning to do at least sounds right.
Short story: After his relapse after 1 year clean, and losing his job, my husband became more and more psychologically and emotionally abusive. I started to heavily work on my co-dependency and got stronger every time he would pretend that he was leaving forever to punish me for doing anything he didn't like i.e. me going to do something fun without him. I cared less and less and got to the point where I just hoped he wouldn't come back. Finally, at the beginning of September, he did it and I said, "Awesome. When are you leaving?" And I meant it. He looked at me, incredulous, and was immediately a different man because he saw I was serious. He had never expected me to stand up for myself.
After talking to my brother, who had not known the full extent of how bad things were, he gave me a lot of tough love and told me that to keep him in my life would mean losing my family in a way, because he and my mom would never accept him as a member of the family again and would never support the relationship.
Of course my husband did not leave. He tried to pass it off as "oh, my sugar was just low, I just needed to eat." It's an excuse, one of many, that I'm tired of hearing and told him the next day that the marriage needed to end and that he needed to move out. He protested and begged and pleaded, but I stood my ground, until he seemed to come to an understanding about why I needed those things to happen. And of course he magically started getting job offers around this time and promised that he was going to become the man he had always promised me that he would be. "It was only when I truly felt the fear of losing you that I just woke up and I'm fully understanding how how badly I've hurt you and I'm so sorry, etc." And has been trying to be the best husband ever. It was too little too late, though, and he seems to be accepting of this, although is holding onto the hope that after we've been apart for awhile we can come back together and start over. I was hoping that too, but was very accepting of the knowledge that this might not happen. He.... Isn't so accepting.
I did agree to let him continue to live with me until he could find other living arrangements, but I'm quickly realizing that it isn't going to work. He was supposed to be gone for the weekends- that was part of our agreement, but with the exception of one weekend, he's come up with excuses every time as to why he can't leave. That one weekend though was amazing- I felt so light and free and creative, and that was a big clue that he needs to be out of my life for awhile, if the simple fact that he was gone made me feel so much better. And despite his promises to give me space and not stress me out with his problems, every 2-3 days, when I clearly have other things I'm doing, he asks that we "talk about things." These "talks" always involve suicide threats and the like, after which he'll apologize and say, "I'm just so emotional right now, *you* had time over the summer to work on your emotions, I deserve the same!" (which I know is the worst excuse ever and told him so). Or if he's upset at something I'm doing he'll just be outright hurtful.... So not much different from before really, other than that he's gone a few hours a night at work.
We're supposed to be doing a dissolution. We have no shared assets, and I'm going to be staying in the apartment because he can't pay for it, so that's obvious. When I finally got fed up with his drama one day (he accused me of infidelity with my *best friend* and told me he'd be consulting with an attorney himself, hinting he would seek alimony to punish me), I told him to leave. His response was, "We're married, my name is on the lease, you can't make me leave. I'll go when the papers are signed."
I became afraid that paying for the dissolution is a waste of time, because he has no actual intention of signing the papers. I'm afraid he'll stall and stall as long as necessary, hoping to change my mind.
In addition to this, I found out today that he owes a local hospital 2300 dollars for "services" he received there in the ER on August 9th of this year. He does not know that I know this, but the thing is, this is the first I've heard of his having been to the ER at all! He was never sick around that time, nor was he injured that I ever knew of. He has used the ER before to obtain drugs before, and there is a rumor flying around that he owes dealers money. He has assured me that he has been totally clean since his relapse. But I have to ask myself, what else but drugs could have driven him to the ER, in the absence of sickness or physical injury, when he had no insurance and knew what kind of bill would be coming, and THEN fail to mention it to his wife? I can't prove it, but it's a big clue to me that he's probably actively using again, and has been for quite some time. Quite frankly, that makes me feel unsafe.
He needs to go- I'm tired of playing nice, and I want some peace, and I want my life. I want that wonderful feeling of joy and freedom I felt that weekend when he was gone, without the cloud on the horizon that signifies his imminent return. Because we're married, I know I can't just kick him out. I plan on calling my attorney in the morning before confronting my husband with what I know to see if I should meet with him first. I am really hoping I don't end up having to pay him alimony (haven't even been married for three years), but if I do, it'll be worth being free of this mess forever. I am more than ready to be done.
Has anyone here ever had to take legal action to get someone out when they refused to leave on their own? I know I will feel guilt over making him leave when he really has nowhere else to go, but what I'm told is that people magically find lots of places to go when they're forced to- he just doesn't want to leave because he thinks he's going to be able to manipulate me into continuing this tragedy of a relationship.
I'm done. Done, done, done.
I guess what I'm asking is, is not confronting him until I talk to my attorney a good idea, so I'll know what my options are when I do talk to him? And is there anyone else I should be contacting? Anything else I need to plan for? If it's looking like he might become violent, I already have a list of friends who told me I could show up there at any time if I needed to and stay, so thats covered. I'm just worried that if I kick him out, he'll disappear and then won't be able to be served papers (since I doubt he'll nicely show up to sign the dissolution papers if I have him kicked out).
Short story: After his relapse after 1 year clean, and losing his job, my husband became more and more psychologically and emotionally abusive. I started to heavily work on my co-dependency and got stronger every time he would pretend that he was leaving forever to punish me for doing anything he didn't like i.e. me going to do something fun without him. I cared less and less and got to the point where I just hoped he wouldn't come back. Finally, at the beginning of September, he did it and I said, "Awesome. When are you leaving?" And I meant it. He looked at me, incredulous, and was immediately a different man because he saw I was serious. He had never expected me to stand up for myself.
After talking to my brother, who had not known the full extent of how bad things were, he gave me a lot of tough love and told me that to keep him in my life would mean losing my family in a way, because he and my mom would never accept him as a member of the family again and would never support the relationship.
Of course my husband did not leave. He tried to pass it off as "oh, my sugar was just low, I just needed to eat." It's an excuse, one of many, that I'm tired of hearing and told him the next day that the marriage needed to end and that he needed to move out. He protested and begged and pleaded, but I stood my ground, until he seemed to come to an understanding about why I needed those things to happen. And of course he magically started getting job offers around this time and promised that he was going to become the man he had always promised me that he would be. "It was only when I truly felt the fear of losing you that I just woke up and I'm fully understanding how how badly I've hurt you and I'm so sorry, etc." And has been trying to be the best husband ever. It was too little too late, though, and he seems to be accepting of this, although is holding onto the hope that after we've been apart for awhile we can come back together and start over. I was hoping that too, but was very accepting of the knowledge that this might not happen. He.... Isn't so accepting.
I did agree to let him continue to live with me until he could find other living arrangements, but I'm quickly realizing that it isn't going to work. He was supposed to be gone for the weekends- that was part of our agreement, but with the exception of one weekend, he's come up with excuses every time as to why he can't leave. That one weekend though was amazing- I felt so light and free and creative, and that was a big clue that he needs to be out of my life for awhile, if the simple fact that he was gone made me feel so much better. And despite his promises to give me space and not stress me out with his problems, every 2-3 days, when I clearly have other things I'm doing, he asks that we "talk about things." These "talks" always involve suicide threats and the like, after which he'll apologize and say, "I'm just so emotional right now, *you* had time over the summer to work on your emotions, I deserve the same!" (which I know is the worst excuse ever and told him so). Or if he's upset at something I'm doing he'll just be outright hurtful.... So not much different from before really, other than that he's gone a few hours a night at work.
We're supposed to be doing a dissolution. We have no shared assets, and I'm going to be staying in the apartment because he can't pay for it, so that's obvious. When I finally got fed up with his drama one day (he accused me of infidelity with my *best friend* and told me he'd be consulting with an attorney himself, hinting he would seek alimony to punish me), I told him to leave. His response was, "We're married, my name is on the lease, you can't make me leave. I'll go when the papers are signed."
I became afraid that paying for the dissolution is a waste of time, because he has no actual intention of signing the papers. I'm afraid he'll stall and stall as long as necessary, hoping to change my mind.
In addition to this, I found out today that he owes a local hospital 2300 dollars for "services" he received there in the ER on August 9th of this year. He does not know that I know this, but the thing is, this is the first I've heard of his having been to the ER at all! He was never sick around that time, nor was he injured that I ever knew of. He has used the ER before to obtain drugs before, and there is a rumor flying around that he owes dealers money. He has assured me that he has been totally clean since his relapse. But I have to ask myself, what else but drugs could have driven him to the ER, in the absence of sickness or physical injury, when he had no insurance and knew what kind of bill would be coming, and THEN fail to mention it to his wife? I can't prove it, but it's a big clue to me that he's probably actively using again, and has been for quite some time. Quite frankly, that makes me feel unsafe.
He needs to go- I'm tired of playing nice, and I want some peace, and I want my life. I want that wonderful feeling of joy and freedom I felt that weekend when he was gone, without the cloud on the horizon that signifies his imminent return. Because we're married, I know I can't just kick him out. I plan on calling my attorney in the morning before confronting my husband with what I know to see if I should meet with him first. I am really hoping I don't end up having to pay him alimony (haven't even been married for three years), but if I do, it'll be worth being free of this mess forever. I am more than ready to be done.
Has anyone here ever had to take legal action to get someone out when they refused to leave on their own? I know I will feel guilt over making him leave when he really has nowhere else to go, but what I'm told is that people magically find lots of places to go when they're forced to- he just doesn't want to leave because he thinks he's going to be able to manipulate me into continuing this tragedy of a relationship.
I'm done. Done, done, done.
I guess what I'm asking is, is not confronting him until I talk to my attorney a good idea, so I'll know what my options are when I do talk to him? And is there anyone else I should be contacting? Anything else I need to plan for? If it's looking like he might become violent, I already have a list of friends who told me I could show up there at any time if I needed to and stay, so thats covered. I'm just worried that if I kick him out, he'll disappear and then won't be able to be served papers (since I doubt he'll nicely show up to sign the dissolution papers if I have him kicked out).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
I feel you probably should wait til you talk to your lawyer.
Tell your lawyer you fear he will become violent and come up with a plan to tell him where you are not in the line of fire.
Don't put yourself in a position where you are a sitting duck to the anger of an addict.
Tell your lawyer you fear he will become violent and come up with a plan to tell him where you are not in the line of fire.
Don't put yourself in a position where you are a sitting duck to the anger of an addict.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
I also would talk to the lawyer first, and do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe from harm. Don't be afraid to call 911 - whether it's for threats of suicide, threats of violence, or both! Always better safe than sorry when the situation gets volatile.
Instead of trying to get him to move, is it possible for you to just move out? Tell the landlord you're not on the lease anymore and move into a new apartment? That way you don't have to worry about getting him out, he won't be your problem anymore. What a relief that will be. It sounds like you've been living in a really unhealthy situation for too long, I'm glad you're taking the steps necessary to save yourself.
Instead of trying to get him to move, is it possible for you to just move out? Tell the landlord you're not on the lease anymore and move into a new apartment? That way you don't have to worry about getting him out, he won't be your problem anymore. What a relief that will be. It sounds like you've been living in a really unhealthy situation for too long, I'm glad you're taking the steps necessary to save yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
If your safety is a concern (as he threatens suicide - it is) I would get him on recording. I would try to file an order of protection. You shouldn't have to live in fear. As far as the legal side... I understand you want to get it done quickly.. but there are ways that he can be served (even if he's homeless). If he doesn't show up to court.. it's his problem. I hope that helps. I have heard if they cannot find a person to serve they put a public notice in the paper (sewer service) and it's totally legal. Then when he doesn't show up.. everything will go your way 
Hope that helps.
Hope that helps.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Instead of trying to get him to move, is it possible for you to just move out? Tell the landlord you're not on the lease anymore and move into a new apartment?
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Sometimes it just gets to that point that enough is enough and that's ok. Most of those who have reached that point have, like you, done a lot to try to work with their addicted spouse/loved one. If the spouse cooperates and gets help, I think it's great when spouses stand by the addict. An addict who wants recovery and is working to achieve it can be encouraged with the support and love of family. But there are always limits......and each of us reach those limits when we do.
There is no shame in staying with an addict seeking recovery. There is no shame in leaving an addict who remains in active addiction. Ultimately, it is a very individual thing and we all deserve the right to find serenity.....whether the addict continues to use or not.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
I left my ExABF (not D) I just loaded up a friends pick up one day and ran. I left him the house. I just now got my name off of it.
I understand that many women would not have chosen that way, and I could have kept the house if I wanted to.
I just wanted to say I have been where you are, and I wanted to send you encouragement and hugs.
I understand that many women would not have chosen that way, and I could have kept the house if I wanted to.
I just wanted to say I have been where you are, and I wanted to send you encouragement and hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Columbus
Posts: 13
Just checking back in.
Somehow he knew as soon as I came home that I had found out about the hospital bill. He swore up and down that he had had a "panic attack" and had not told me because he didn't want to burden me. Unsurprisingly, he didn't have any copies of paperwork that would prove this, but he says he has requested copies from the hospital. Whatever. Whether or not he's in active addiction, the fact is that the behaviors and attitudes that led to the addiction in the first place are still solidly in place, and a relapse is inevitable as long as that's true. If I ever want to be happy, and I do, I need him out of my life.
Moving out is not really possible I don't think. The landlord is well aware that my income pays the rent and utilities, and that he is absolutely incapable of doing it if I leave. And while some might say, "but it's not worth your peace of mind!" I *love* my home and intend to be living in it at the end of this, even if I have to go stay with a friend until I get him out.
What floors me is *how* can he continue to live here knowing I want nothing more in the world than for him to be gone. Doesn't that have to be mentally exhausting for him? In his position I'd be looking at any possible option and getting out ASAP, which he says he's doing, but I have my doubts....
Somehow he knew as soon as I came home that I had found out about the hospital bill. He swore up and down that he had had a "panic attack" and had not told me because he didn't want to burden me. Unsurprisingly, he didn't have any copies of paperwork that would prove this, but he says he has requested copies from the hospital. Whatever. Whether or not he's in active addiction, the fact is that the behaviors and attitudes that led to the addiction in the first place are still solidly in place, and a relapse is inevitable as long as that's true. If I ever want to be happy, and I do, I need him out of my life.
Moving out is not really possible I don't think. The landlord is well aware that my income pays the rent and utilities, and that he is absolutely incapable of doing it if I leave. And while some might say, "but it's not worth your peace of mind!" I *love* my home and intend to be living in it at the end of this, even if I have to go stay with a friend until I get him out.
What floors me is *how* can he continue to live here knowing I want nothing more in the world than for him to be gone. Doesn't that have to be mentally exhausting for him? In his position I'd be looking at any possible option and getting out ASAP, which he says he's doing, but I have my doubts....
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
An addict's only concern is his next fix. As long as he has a roof over his head, he doesn't care what you want. You may have a fight on your hands getting him out if he legally lives there.
You might want to check with an attorney or local law enforcement to see what you have a legal right to do.
You might want to check with an attorney or local law enforcement to see what you have a legal right to do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
When I asked my XAH to leave, he did. I think he was trying to "teach me a lesson" and he really didn't think I meant it. I think it was a poker play and he thought he was calling my bluff. But I changed the locks as soon as he was out. I wasn't kidding. It took me five years to get to the point that enough was enough......and once there, there was no turning back.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with seeing your lawyer and find out exactly what your rights are and are not. Be honest with your lawyer about the verbal and mental abuse (and physical abuse if that has happened too) and there may be a way to have him move out. Laws vary from state to state and country to country, so the only way to be certain about what you can do, is to ask a lawyer. Also, a women's shelter may be able to help you find good resources to use.
Good luck dear, I think you are wise choosing to remove yourself from the abuse.
Hugs
Good luck dear, I think you are wise choosing to remove yourself from the abuse.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Is it a standard lease that has to be renewed yearly? Maybe next time the renewal comes around just put your name on the lease and not his...? I am not an attorney by any means but if he isn't on the lease then I think you can serve an eviction....?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
My attorney told me to change the locks immediately. I left the stuff that was only his, like clothing etc. in a neutral space that he could get to without getting into our home. He apparently only took a few bags because he got a flight back to his family, but the fool just tried to tell me a few weeks back that he is coming to get the rest of his stuff in a month (which would have been our 6th wedding anniversary mind you). I responded with "you are not welcome in my home, and I suggest you figure out another way to get the rest of your belongings". He thinks he can come back and get appliances etc. So since then he's been served with the divorce papers if he hasn't avoided that. which he probably has. Thank goodness for great lawyers that write everything into your paperwork. He gets nothing from my home, and in the meantime I've sold stuff to make up for the financial damage he's done. He's made no real effort to get a job after he quit his during rehab, so everything is left up to me to fix. But that is well worth the trade off of still being with an addict.
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