laketime

Hello All. I haven't posted in years. My first time on here was 8 years ago when my 18 year old son went to treatment. He is 26 now. He has been back to treatment 2 years ago, then lived in a halfway house then a sober recovery center, fathered a girl who is almost 5 that I have custody of. All of this time Ive paid for the rehabs and the houses and given him rent money and well you name it. I still pay for his phone, car insurance, health insurance ETC. He can't keep a job over three months and blames his long employment lapses between jobs on his felon status. Now he wants to move back home with us. My wife tells me it will be just like the other times, sleeping all day, being a slob and not holding a job. I agree with her but he's constantly texting me begging to come home begging for money for probation and everything else. He's homeless at present living with a friend or someone. Im trying to stay strong but in my mind he's still 12 sometimes not 26. I think Im also feel a little guilty because I have the resources to help him and he knows it. I think I just need to have evryone tell me how stupid and codependent Im being and I can feel better.

needingabreak

HI Laketime,
You are not stupid but yes you need to be strong and make your son take care of himself. BY allowing him to come back home, he knows you will take care of him and then what are you going to do when you cant get rid of him and he is sleeping all day contributing nothing? By allowing him to make his own way you are giving him a gift. Whether you have the means or not, does not really matter. You know that he is not being let go from every job because of his record. Good workers are hard to find. If he was doing a good job most likely he would still be there. DONT DO IT Laketime! I find it funny he is texting you but not your wife. Could this be because he knows you are easier on him? Stay strong and do not allow your son to manipulate you. He knows what he is doing. They all learn how to work us and manipulate.

Ann

Hi Laketime, welcome back. If you remember me you will remember how many times I let my son move home and with all his promises and good intentions, it never once worked out well and my home became a war zone...again.

The one additional thing you need to consider that I didn't face, is how would his coming home affect his child? You have custody of this child and are the child's voice, the one who has to make decisions about what is best for the child.

I don't have the answers, only you can decide, but I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Hugs

BoxinRotz

You're not stupid. Just don't act out a stupid decision.

He's not 12. He's 26 years old. He needs to grow a pair and get on with it. If he can't live his life the way he's been living it then maybe... JUST MAYBE... he should change it!


You letting him come home to wreak havoc in your house and upset the balance that you and your wife have provided for HIS child is unfathomable. He is not your defenseless little boy anymore. He's a man who's made choices in his life and you know what? We all have made choices haven't we? We all make decisions don't we? We all must face the outcomes of said decisions that we made so why in the heck should he be any different?

When he text you again to beg you to let him into your house so he can do XYZ... you look at that little girl and ask yourself... Can I ruin this happy place I have made for her? You have done more than enough for HIM by providing for HER! If your happy home ain't broke, don't break it!

Kindeyes

It serves no useful purpose to beat yourself up.....unless it begins the process of change. Just because you have the resources to help your son, it doesn't mean that you should use those resources. Sometimes our help can hinder.

I do understand how you feel. It was hard for me to tell my son he couldn't come home when I had a lovely guest bedroom, swimming pool, hot tub, pleny of food, etc etc......I had club med and felt guilty because I was living well while he was homeless. But it never ended well when I let him come to stay with us. It strained our marriage and brought chaos into our serenity zone.

When we give and give....they come to expect. And we become resentful.

I had to state my position clearly with my son....kindly but firmly. But I had to learn from many many mistakes.........it's tough being a parent of someone addicted to drugs.

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

terryr97

I have told my enabling ex husband that if you keep doing for our adult son, whats he gonna do when we die? He'll have no clue how to survive! He's working on that, but its true. Your son isnt homeless, hes couch hopping and playing on your love for him. When you let things get bad enough for him, then he might change. Or not. But its not your path to follow. Its his.

You're not stupid by any means. You're a loving, kind man who cares about your son. Give him the chance to care about himself too.

faithnhope

I understand where you are coming from as a parent (we love our children and dont like to see them "suffer", though I think you have helped more then enough....I agree with the post above from Ann, think of your GRANDCHILD.....I have an addicted partner who is step dad to my older three children and father to my youngest...his oldest daughter (not mine) has seen his behavour her whole life 13 years....she is now on anti depressants and seeks a counsellor.....your grandchild does NOT need to grow up seeing their "parent" like that.....it wont make you a bad person turning away...sometimes addicts need to realy hit rock bottom....I hope he finds his saviour and prehaps one day be a parent to his child

Lotusangel

Laketime, be strong and do what's best for yourself and your granddaughter. Your story sound a little similar to mine except my son is living in a condo we own and is 23 years old with a five year old daughter. My rules are no drugs, no illegal activity, work on your recovery, and try to finish your GED and get a job. He's still working on all. He knows he can never come back home. It's a rule that I have to live by because it would be out of control. I don't have custody of my granddaughter but have contributed "a whole lot" to her upbringing financially and emotionally. It is hard. She loves her daddy no matter what. When she's around him, she lights up. And when he's not good, I see that look in her eyes that she knows something is off. It must be her intuition. She doesn't live with him but she sees him almost every weekend or at least every other weekend. I always stress to him that I will not allow him to put her in any danger I will be the first to speak up. So far, he's always shown to be an extremely good father to her when she is with him. The flip side is that I don't want my granddaughter to be his only reason for sobriety; I want it to be for himself. I do know he has slipped and is trying to get back on track (when she was not with him, of course). My husband and I have worked very hard and both of us are professionals in our field, and I do empathize about the guilt part of not providing at times when I can provide, but they know how to manipulate very well. I try to limit myself from providing too much, but for now he has somewhere to live. If he crosses the line, I will be forced to make a hard decision I pray every night that he stays on track.

As for your situation, he is already on his own. I think I would continue on that path, otherwise, you're not following through with a previous decision. Your granddaugther is your responsibility now that you have custody. She deserves to have a peaceful life and not have her innocence taken away by all the chaos that addiction brings along. Good luck

bookreader

First, you are not the worst. Many of us could challenge that.
I understand your feelings. My recommendation it to focus on the practical. If he thinks the felony is the problem, look for government/public/non-profit/private businesses that will give felons a chance. Hard to find, but try local support agencies for addicts and veterans. Don't get mad - I only include veterans because here there is a great support place for veterans that will help anyone, including those with a record. I have a AS who is hard worker but cannot find job; everything looks good, and you are the prefect candidate; then I suppose they look at the court records and that is the end.
Keep just saying, apply for jobs; ok, didn't work, apply for jobs, over and over and it will be very difficult.
it will be draining,
b.

sojourner

Yoda: Do or do not. There is no try.

laketime

Thanks to all. I will keep reading and working on my recovery. I know the right thing to do and the smart thing to do. I also agree with the posts considering the mental health of the my granddaughter. Her mother was just arrested for selling meth but she hasn;t had much to do with her anyway. Her other 13 month old baby just tested positive for meth and DCS has him. I think I may take the advice of one post and research therapyfor her. she too " lights up" when she gets to see them and is angry when she returns home for a day or two. She will only be 5 in November but she knows she's not supposed to have her grandparents raising her. She goes to pre school, soccer and tumble and can see the other children aren't in the same situation as her. Thanks again for all the posts.

sevenofnine

maybe you have money, but that doesn't mean you have the resources to help an addict. only the addict has those resources. I say put that money into a college fund/ therapy fund for your granddaughter.
I wish I had money to put into either of those, and I wouldn't spend a penny on AH who is old enough to earn his own damn pennies. And anyway, helping adult children who aren't addicts maybe isn't always great-- I am still getting so much financially from my parents and I often wonder if I wouldn't be happier being poorer but self sufficient. So if you feel guilty for not helping, maybe tell yourself you are going to enable his self sufficience instead of his using.
I'm so sorrythat your grandaughter has to be facing this at such a young age- it must be confusing and conflicting for her. I wonder if anyone here knows good resources for helping little ones deal? I have two...

I know a friend of mine went to alateen, but not sure if there is stuff other than private counselling for really young ones?

Leftover

I too have an addicted son. I said this over and over to myself, before I said it to him. "I will not be responsible for anything or anyone who is your responsibility". I meant it. I said it. It hurt me to say it, but taking over his responsibilities would have hurt him more. He has a wife and four children and they have been homeless. I did not intervene. Trust me this was not easy. I have in the past nearly loved him to death. Now, what ever happens is his responsibility. You can do this too. You have the support to do the right thing. You expect him to do the right thing, be his example.