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Old 09-28-2013, 10:30 PM
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question

I have A QUESTION ABOUT LOVED ONES IN REHABS
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Old 09-28-2013, 11:10 PM
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Question k

well my fiancé got in trouble and he violated his probation and went to detox and 3 other rehabs now he is another one bc he was gunna get kicked out bc he got like 6 contracts and they had enough of him.so he left. now he is in a 28 day and he seems like hes doing ok from our phone convos and letters. but 3 days ago he asked me to bring him something and I said no and now he is trying to manipulate me into doing it and I said no. what do I do? please help me....I have been taking care of our child working my ass off and he also got me fired . I was on unemployment finally found a job months after. I want him to get better so bad and come home and im/its destroying myself physically mentally and emotionally. idk anymore. I love him so much. y isn't our child and us good enough...why isn't the possibility of 3 yrs jail a reason to stop. I know he has to want it but I don't get y he doesn't.
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Old 09-29-2013, 04:26 AM
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Hi Katie, sadly they don't "get it" until the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping, and it sounds like that isn't going to happen any time soon for your fiance.

This may be a good time to give thought to yourself and your baby and decide what you can do to make sure your child is raised in a loving, peaceful home. You are already supporting both of you and although it is hard, it could get much harder trying to do that with active addiction in your home.

I am glad you found us and hope you find some support here from people who have been where you are. Take a good read of the Sticky Posts at the top of this forum and you will find a lot of good information there.

You are among friends here and are no longer alone.

Hugs
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Old 09-29-2013, 05:05 AM
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What did he want you to get him?
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Old 09-29-2013, 05:30 AM
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Hi Katie, I'm so sorry for what you've been dealing with. It's got to be incredibly hard standing by holding down the fort financially, emotionally etc for you and your child/children. It doesn't sound like your fiance is anywhere close to taking rehab seriously. Acting up, getting written up, getting kicked out, going to a new one, pulling the same shenanigans, wanting/expecting you to bring him contraband....not caring what would happen to you (and the children) if you were caught. It may be time for you to be the change. Nothing changes if nothing changes. The fact he's still trying to manipulate everything in his vicinity isn't good. He needs to grow up, get real about why he's in the mess he's in, face his fears and start turning this around one day at a time. He is in the perfect spot to start the process but it has to start with him. Have you considered asking him for no contact until he can prove he's Serious? This isn't good for your emotional well-being...and you do need to protect your self and kids from the chaos caused by his addiction. Big hug to you today. You've found a great site for support.
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Old 09-29-2013, 07:38 AM
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I agree with lizwig but I'm sure he will kick and scream like a baby when he doesn't get his way. Possibly tell you he wants to leave you!! Even though you have done nothing wrong. While in active addiction (still wanting to get high) their feelings are unreliable and manipulative ....not real!!
Make a what will you put up with list! Then stick to it. When active addicts don't get what they want they turn into crying mean children. sorry.
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Old 09-29-2013, 07:38 AM
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I'm so very sorry that you are caught in the dance of addiction.

but 3 days ago he asked me to bring him something and I said no and now he is trying to manipulate me into doing it and I said no. what do I do?
"No" is a complete sentence.....you've given your answer.

This roller coaster will continue until one of you changes. Until that time, it will continue to be an emotional hell. Since you have no control over another person, the person you can change is you. It is possible to find peace whether the addict continues to use or not.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 09-29-2013, 08:37 AM
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After reading Im curious, what did he want you to bring? drugs?
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Old 09-29-2013, 10:54 AM
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a sub. I was suppose to go see him today but I didn't. thanks for all ur responses. im glad I found this place. Im trying my best to do everything out here for my daughter and I. I want him to come home and we just start our life together and I want him to do what he says hes gunna like get a job and such. I do miss him but I don't miss the addict. I really thought this was it he said hes done running and being away from us. im scared that hes gunna go to court next time and the judge is gunna send him away for a few yrs upstate and its gunna crush my daughter and I. im just so upset about all this ya know. do you think I should talk to the rehab?
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Old 09-29-2013, 10:56 AM
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thanks for the hug. I needed it. he said that its ok to bring it bc people are on it there. but hes not so I gather its not okay.
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Old 09-29-2013, 11:23 AM
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I don't want to say goodbye. I love him too much and I don't want to live without him. he is my other half....in all these forums I see everyone leaves....
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Old 09-29-2013, 11:37 AM
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Katie, it sounds like you are already living without him, and doing a great job of keeping things together for you and your baby. I have dated addicts in the past, and one thing that kept me in those relationships was that I had this fantasy about what life could be like if the addict got clean. I also sometimes separated the addict's good qualities from their bad qualities and told myself that if I could just have the good part, I would be happy. It's important to remember that the good and the bad all come rolled into one package, and stay grounded in the reality of what the relationship is actually like and not what it could be like. Do you want to stay with the person he is right now?
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Old 09-29-2013, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by katie1121 View Post
I don't want to say goodbye. I love him too much and I don't want to live without him. he is my other half....in all these forums I see everyone leaves....
I have NOT left my husband Katie. He is on his first attempt right now, and Im doing my best to support him. But we cant let our lives fall apart. My question is do you have a way to take care of yourself IF he does violate his probation and is sent to jail? Addiction is a disease, and his being in and out of rehabs shows that he is being hit with it hard. The choices he makes they are not about you when he is actively using, until he gets away from the drugs long enough, gets the help he needs, and comes out ready to follow doctors orders then he is in trouble.

Any medicine should be prescribed by his doctor. Does he have a doctor in the rehab he is in? Have they prescribed him any medications? He should talk to the doctor if he feels he needs them. I think you did the right thing by not delivering them to him.
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Old 09-29-2013, 01:25 PM
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iam living without him and im doing the best that I can for my daughter and I. I totally agree jjj he is the good the bad and the ugly a;; wrapped in one and I do want things to be good...I know it wont be perfect just minus the drugs ya know. I know it is not easy for him bc hes been doing it like 20 yrs. I just remember before we had our daughter he was perfect working made the babys rm nice painted and we were soo happy I want to get back to that....everything was great. onenight I will have to support my daughter no choice if he goes away. it will be hard no question. I have this feeling that this is the inevitable maybe he needs to go to jail to really hit his bottom. he will be gone a few yrs at least and its going to kill me not only him. this is what happens he get in trouble n gets scared then a few wks into rehab or jail he gets comfortable and does stupid ****....bc he thinks he can get over on it
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Old 09-29-2013, 01:27 PM
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sorry for the fowl language I didn't mean it
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Old 09-29-2013, 01:39 PM
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It's so hard to live in the present and not get hung up on those memories of the good times. I can only imagine how much harder it would be when you share a child. I still look back sometimes and wish for the "good times" with my addict ex-boyfriend, but when I think about it now, with a couple years of distance, I can see that even during the times I remember as good, there were signs of trouble. If he has been on drugs for 20 years, then I am guessing that maybe he was using even when he was painting the baby's nursery?
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Old 09-29-2013, 02:08 PM
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katie1121,

Drug addicts of course violate all the rules, so that is of course at issue, but also many have an underlying hard-wired psychological disorder, and it can be extremely difficult to make a life with someone who, even clean, cannot function in relationship or in family life. You might google "anti-social personality disorder." Or "severe ADHD." Prisons are full of drug addicts who also have these disorders. They cannot be reliable husbands or fathers. They are usually very impulsive, often selfish and self-centered, and unwilling to compromise or to sacrifice for the good of the relationship or the family.

But here is the crux: you can read about drug addicts and about personality disorders, but eventually, you will have to circle back to you: what part of yourself are you abandoning, what values are you betraying, what power have you given over to another person who exploits you? Why do you see the good and try to explain away the bad or wish that soon it will go away?

I ask these questions because most of us who have loved a person with an addiction became controlled by that person. Addicts isolate their partners so they can control them. The isolation happens gradually, but the chaos, the embarrassment, the financial crises, the extra burdens of childcare because the addict is unavailable: all these isolate the spouse. Isolated, we are more easily controlled.

So we have to ask ourselves, what is it in me which needs looking at? Was i neglected or abused as a child? Do I suffer depression that is untreated? Am I isolated because of lack of work or am I in a strange town or country and have no support?

When we keep asking the "why" of the addict, it deflects the focus from ourselves. But if we give away our power, our serenity, our right to be treated lovingly and respectfully, we must look in the mirror and ask "why."

Painting a room does not make a good man. Getting attention and admiration and sex from a woman does not make a good man. Dependability, honesty, self-direction, the ability to self-sacrifice, and the facing of life's challenges without playing the victim....this is what grows a man. It takes years and years of facing life's challenges, meeting them, learning something from them, and moving on to the next to mature a man. Your partner has not even begun.

But you: you can do that. You can mature. And this is one of your first tests: will you see the reality that is before you and make a clear-headed decision about what is best for your child? Or will you minimize and rationalize your partner's actions and choices?

Find some help there. For you. Look at you. There is your answer.
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Old 09-29-2013, 04:06 PM
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you guys know a lot thank you for sharing
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Old 10-02-2013, 05:50 PM
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my fiancé coming home Saturday im so nervous/happy/exicted/scared and all of the above.
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Old 10-02-2013, 08:17 PM
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Keep your eyes open and your expectations low. This will help you not get hurt as much if things go south. Hugs.
Now might be a good time to think about personal boundaries.
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