Unsure and confused
 

After nearly 15 years of sobriety, my husband relapsed into two different substances and alcohol. He did detox, a month of residential treatment and then came home. Within a month of re-entering the rooms, his "support group" advised him that I was a trigger for him and that he needed to distance himself from our relationship. I and our children have been completely excluded from his recovery process. In the state we lived in previously, it was much different, this program. While I didn't ever chase down his sponsor, I knew who he was and DH had been anxious for me to meet him and him, me. He wanted me to attend meetings and events with him.

During the second month after his return home, he formed a "friendship" with a female from one of these rooms. I don't know the graphic details of this alleged "friendship" but I do know that 20, 30, 40 texts per day were exchanged and that "hanging out" was going on. He lied and lied and lied about it. He didn't know that number that was on his phone bill; it had to be a mistake. Until the phone rang one day, laying on the table next to me, with that number stored as a contact in it. My contact with the woman on the other end was surprising. After introducing myself, it became apparent that I have been painted as a raving lunatic. I'm not, actually, but no one in his "support group" would know anything other than what they've been told, because our family has been completely excluded from the process this time.

Some have commented to me that, in our area, the rooms of NA are rather cult-like in how they are run. My therapist set up a consult with a CDAC counselor to help me understand what is happening, and he pretty much told me the same thing; that there is a cultish feel to these rooms in this region and that there is a DISTINCT lack of accountability within certain of the groups in the region.

In the meantime, the husband has been gaslighting me to the point that I sought therapy and medication because I truly thought I was crazy. I now find that I'm not; that I have allowed myself to belief the heaping plate of bull-crap that I've been handed, and am politely consuming it with a knife and fork.

So, I guess I'm looking for - I don't know - validation? Does this even remotely resemble an honest program? It sure doesn't look like the program that helped him towards nearly 15 years of sobriety.

Maybe it IS me. I'm trying to hang in there as it rather feels like my world is crashing down around my ears.
:(

I don't think him lying to you is a good sign of recovery.
You are a trigger because??? Was there any explanation. He was able to stay sober for 15 years, living with you everyday???
Also, him conversing with another women... and then lying to you about it.. is far from honest. If you are a true trigger for him... then shouldn't he be making a plan and moving on. DO you think it's possible this is what he's doing?
Maybe she's another user in the group and isn't planning on staying quit?
It sounds really fishy to me.

CJ, I am wondering why you still want any part of this? Your husband sounds like he is an incredible emotional drain on you. He is a grown man who has made his own decisions. Maybe other people are encouraging him, but it is his choice to listen to them. Maybe you could consider the distance he has put between you as a blessing and enjoy the peace of not having to deal with his chaos?

[QUOTE=CourtJester;4207533] After introducing myself, it became apparent that I have been painted as a raving lunatic. I'm not, actually, but no one in his "support group" would know anything other than what they've been told, because our family has been completely excluded from the process this time.

I have had that said about me and also typed as part of a facebook message.
It hurt me tremendously.
It was also not true.
How could I be the main breadwinner (I am female), work full time and look after my 3 year old if I was a lunatic.

I also pointed out to my other half, that if he behaved the same way with them, or told them truthfully why I was fed up with him, they might not lend him very much sympathy.

Now I just look after myself.
I try my hardest to not give him any ammunition to use against me in his quest to prove me insane.
His actions speak louder than my words.
People, friends, colleagues, family - they are all starting to see what he is really like.

You are in my thoughts though as I know what its really hurtful to hear that you have been unfairly slandered in this way. XXXX

A few thoughts........

I've been to a couple of NA meetings here and there wasn't anything "cultish" about it that I could detect. But that's only a couple of meetings......so I can't speak for all of them by any means. I know a lot of people in those rooms and I've never known any of them to discourage a relationship with a spouse. The meeting I go to (Nar-Anon) is at the same time in the same location as an NA meeting. The addict goes to one room, the family members come in to our meeting.....and then we socialize afterwards. Pretty healthy situation. With that said, there's no doubt that the possibility exists for there to be unhealthy meetings out there.......that's why it's a good idea to "meeting shop" a bit.

The people at the meeting aren't responsible for your husband's behavior.....he is.

If he is telling them that you're a raving lunatic, they may be telling him what he wants to hear (stay away from the raving lunatic)......or he may just be telling you what he wants you to think.

The female connection sounds like a connection that could be made in an office environment or anywhere else men and women are together. It's pretty common for a married individual to paint the "other half" as a monster when they want to attract a member of the opposite sex (I think that's in the Cheating 101 handbook).

Have you tried any meetings for you? There are quite a few Nar-Anon meetings and lots of Al-Anon meetings around to help you cope.

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing the fall out of a relapse after such a long period of sobriety......that could knock the wind out of anyone.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Thank you, everybody, for your kind and thoughtful replies. As I said, I don't know what I'm looking for. My gut tells me one thing, but my love for the person I believed he was and the overwhelming desire to keep my family together (lots of my own baggage there) makes me want to do everything in my power to achieve that. The bottom lines are:

1. This doesn't feel like what I know to be an honest program.
2. We are very limited in our region as to available services and meetings.
3. I am doing traditional therapy, nar-anon and working with a counselor who works directly with my spiritual path.
4. My girls are also working in a therapeutic environment since both of them interacted with him during the height of his relapse at the end of March. The eldest is the one harboring the most anger and exhibiting the most acting out.
5. I can only do the work to fix myself, empower myself and make myself stronger. As much as I want the situation to change, I cannot affect those changes by myself.
6. I cannot fix him. Only he can do that and only he is responsible for that.
7. I am not responsible for him.

It's really hard and the therapy with the introspection is brutal. The silver-lining is that work in my chosen field (I'm a writer) has started to turn around for me and I've been accepted to two academic writer's enclaves in the last ten days and the income is starting to flow. My kids are healing, I am healing. I'm not homeless. There is much for which I am grateful.

And I'm grateful for all of you, too.

CJ

KIR - In my experience, dishonesty with one's partner/spouse is never a good sign. We have been struggling financially since a shift in employment. Then the relapse, treatment and the struggle to keep our heads above water. The stress, they say, is the trigger, but I am supposedly the catalyst to that stress. I have been bringing in more than 50% of the income for quite some time, so it's not as though I'm not overturning every stone I can find for work. AAR, I do not have an issue with friends of the opposite sex; what I do have an issue with is someone with whom he has bonded with to such a degree that he communicates exclusively with that person and not with me at all. AT. ALL. What I get is treatment akin to that which would be something stuck to the bottom of your shoe, which precipitated my asking if he had, in fact, met someone else. The answer was no. And 30 to 40 texts a day? That's a little more than "part of a support network", IMO. I'm very angry and hurt by this situation. Coupled with the fact that I do not know ONE. SINGLE. PERSON. in this support group. Not one. In the past, my knowing his sponsor was a great big deal. Today, my meeting his sponsor is to be avoided at all costs. <shakes head>

The people in NA who are working a good, honest program will tell you that there are a lot of "loiterers" in NA. They are just making an appearance to look good, meet legal requirements, etc. Trust your gut.

I'm glad to hear that you are doing some very good things to take care of yourself. And there's a great deal of healing through gratitude.

Keep taking care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

I agree with Kindeyes to trust your gut.
I remember one day where I suspected my AH of using. His behavior and attitude were off and I confronted him about it. He denied it and accused me of being paranoid. He told me I was the one with the problem for not believing him and I started to feel like I was going crazy, not knowing what was real and what wasn't. I walked away to do the laundry and in the pants he had just been wearing and put in the hamper, I found the evidence that he had indeed been using. He was willing to put me through emotional hell and questioning my sanity just so he could get away with using.

You are NOT the problem. The problem is his inability to deal with problems/stress in a healthy way. The fact that he is focusing on you, instead of on him, tells me that he is not really working his recovery. He may be there in person, but mentally he seems to be checked out. I think a true recovery means looking within ourselves for healing and peace, not blaming others.


Hugs

I agree with Kindeyes also, I have been to many NA and AA meetings as well as my Anon meetings and not one of them was anything like a cult. They were fellowships of people sharing a common problem and a workable solution, and although each meeting was different as the personalities of the people there were varied, they were all focused on a common purpose....to get and remain clean and sober.

As long as he portrays you as the person with the problem, the person driving him to drugs, then he doesn't have to take responsibility for his own bad choices.

And truthfully, I'd be pretty upset about the texts too. You are not crazy, your instincts told you there was something wrong...and there was. That's validation, sweetie, and you didn't need it from me. Trust your instincts always.

What to do about all this is entirely up to you. I am glad you are getting help for yourself and counseling. Once you find your balance and the courage to take very good care of yourself, you will have a clarity that you may not have now and will make healthy decisions based on what is good for you, regardless if it is good for him or not.

Hugs

Trust yourself on this one. If you don’t think its an honest program, then its probably not. There is something way more going on than a office friendship if your husband and this woman are texting 30-40 times a day, especially if he is being secretive.

I have recently stopped going to alanon/naranon, was feeling “cult like” to me. My sense was there is a core group in the meetings (I tried more than one group) that are a fanatical and make it their life, for others it’s an hour meeting. If you are from a small town, I can see it could be extreme, and there could be pressure to only socialize or interact within the group. In some ways I think there is transference of addiction to the group. What would happen if you told him you would like to go along to meet these people? Clear up your image by getting to know them, and showing your support of his recovery? When I was in alanon, I discovered some of the wives went to open aa meetings with their men. I wonder if there is anything like a Celebrate Recovery in your area, the Christian version of aa, give him what he needs in a different environment, maybe without the cult feel? My husband is working with an addiction doctor and through his clinic he also runs outpatient programs. There are options.

Isn't it strange that the world over men (or females to men) do the above that kindeyes has outlined?

There must be a cheating handbook that has a chapter with a handout on 'how to paint your other half as in dire need of being sent to a lunatic asylum'

I also find it strange that when men type messages/texts/emails it is always to other women. Or vice versa.
Men never ever seem to text men their troubles with their other half or is that just my findings?

And more so, why are they so convincing in the 'poor me' tale that the other sex falls for it.

And finally in my case why do I realise he now paints me the same light as all the other ex's that I listened to him describe as mad, bad and insane.

I still wish you the best xx

Let me respectfully clarify something - My "R"NAH entered into an affair with someone he met at the rooms of NA two months after he came home for a 30 day program. A married woman that he met at the rooms of NA. I don't know the detailed ins and outs of the 12 step programs, but I do know that THIS is pretty much not a good thing.

Also, I HAVE asked to go to the meetings and events, and - this time around - have been systematically excluded from all aspects of his recovery process. This is not my first time at the Recovery Rodeo with him. Perhaps the first involving opiates; his doc was meth prior to this prescription issue. In 18 years, there have been a total of 7 relapses and returns to recovery. This is part of what I have come to view as manipulation; I try to communicate about THIS and he doesn't even acknowledge that I am speaking; like he doesn't even hear me. I've stopped bringing it up because it's fairly obvious that he does not want me to be involved with his recovery or his new network of support.

There is Celebrate Recovery in our area, but he rejects that out of hand. He wants his traditional NA meeting. There is somewhat of a cult-like feel to it. My therapist set up a meeting for me to talk to a CADC counselor who advised that - in my region, at least - the "support" network is known for replacing the family support network to the exclusion of the family. It's kind of weird, because it's not my experience of NA from the state where we used to live. There, it was all about reuniting the family, not causing more fractures in an already damaged structure.

I would be more than upset. I would also be getting to the bottom of things like you are. There's a lot of years he's throwing away.

I have always had a problem with this. My AH's lies have indeed made me feel crazy in the past. You know what, I was ALWAYS right. He was ALWAYS using and ALWAYS lying about it. He was willing to risk my wellbeing and sanity over just telling me the truth. The lies have had much more consequences than the drinking in my opinion. How can someone be bonded and have a marriage with someone who is willing to make them feel crazy for their own self satisfaction? I just don't think that can happen.

As I have detatched I no longer allow him to make me feel crazy...ever. My intuition has never been wrong with him, not one single time. When he makes me feel that way I am able to keep in perspective that this is him quacking...nothing to do with me.

God Bless!

i think it is wise to remember that HE is the one SAYING that "they" recommended this or that. how convenient is it that he felt the need to "distance" from you and immediately hooked up with some broad at the meeting. AND that he put the kybosh on you having anything to do with HIS meetings etc. how could he carry on with her if his wife is there???

let's back up from this tho.....bigger picture. he is a chronic relapser. that is an established pattern. not only does he return repeatedly to drugs, but now he has walked out AND started up with someone new.

what's left? whether the NA in the region is cultish or not is irrelevant. his actions are based on his choices. and his actions speak pretty clearly about his intentions.

now is the time to take the focus off of him, know your own truth and make decisions based on what is best FOR YOU.

I'm not saying that NA is a bad thing; my experience of it in the past with respect to my family has been stellar. The experience I have had in my region is NOT UNCOMMON; I hear that my experience is similar to many, MANY others. I also believe that, where there is trauma and possibly PTSD in the addict's background, cognitive therapy might be helpful. In this case, the "support networks" allegedly says, "No, you just need us..."

<sigh> Of course, I only know what I'm told...I don't necessarily BELIEVE IT, since it doesn't really ring true for what I KNOW about NA.

Let's examine the things that we *know* right now: your husband is a liar, he is trying to make you think you are crazy, and he is having an affair. Take the drugs out of the picture, is this acceptable behavior to you? Is this what you want your marriage to look like?

You need to figure out what you want for yourself, what will make you you happy and healthy. Because you are the only piece of this whole puzzle over which you have any control. Do something good for yourself today, even if it's just something small, you deserve it.