Sister cancels detox...
 

I may be jumping to conclusions, but I think maybe my sister is backing out of her plan to go to rapid detox in a week. We mostly keep in touch by e-mail and Facebook, but I noticed that she wasn't posting at all last week, and today I wrote her to ask if she is still planning to go and wishing her a relatively painless detox, and she read my e-mail and hasn't written back. (It's kind of too much info how FB tells you when someone reads your e-mail!)

Anyway, I'm kind of a mess now. I told myself I wasn't going to get my hopes up about this, but I guess I kind of did. I want so much for her to make a change. She and I were so close as kids, we really took care of each other when my parents were too drunk, and as the big sister, I especially took on that mothering role to her. Anyway, I love her a lot and this is a bummer.

I am also worried for her young child. When my sister told me she was planning a detox, she also mentioned that her child's father has been using and she wants him to stop, too. I feel so bad for this kid. I hoped that she was going to detox and things would change, but now I'm left trying to figure out again whether I can help him or whether I just have to detach from the situation. Ugh.:headbange

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It's hard enough to watch someone we love taking steps to destroy their lives. It's even worse when there are children involved.

Did she mention who would take care of her child while she was in detox? Was the plan to leave her child with the father? Do you live close enough to take the child while your sister is in detox?

In any case, we are pretty much helpless in these situations. We cannot force someone to commit to recovery. That's an inside job. I hope things work out and she does decide to go to detox. I went to a detox facility for alcoholism and it was a really great experience. I highly recommend it.

Hang in there, hon. You have a lot of support here. :grouphug:

I know how you feel. My son has also been blowing hot and cold about going to rehab/detox for a while. There is nothing much we can do. They have to find the resolve to do it themselves, otherwise it won't work anyway.

Hi jjj111, Suki is right, 100% right. You cannot force your sister into a rehab or detox program, inpt or outpt. She MUST desire and want to become sober for herself, not for you or her child or the child's father. She must do it for her. Maybe she is not ready, or is frightened about the process? I also think that the child's father should be with her during the process, to hold her hand, and to watch how it's done and see how a miracle can happen. Is it possible that you or another family member can help watch the child? I wouldn't push your sister, beg her to go, threaten her or guilt her into going. She has to need/want it, good luck, you sound like a wonderfully caring sister. The kind any addict would hate at first, but then love even more once she gets pulled out of this dark place. She will thank you someday, when success and sobriety come a knocking at her door! Gentle sincere hugs to you, TF

Yes, I have to accept that this is her choice and I can't control it. I would like to send all kinds of guilt, pleading, and anger her way, but I would just be spinning my wheels. She lives halfway across the country, so my contact with her and her child is pretty limited. I haven't seen them in a year. She didn't tell me what the plan was for her child, and I didn't ask. I guess I was so annoyed when she mentioned that the father (who lives with them) is also using, because she'd been telling me that he is clean, that after that I just didn't even want to communicate with her about the whole thing, and she also kind of backed off from communicating with me after she asked me to loan her money to pay for the detox and I said no. She has since gotten some money she's been expecting, so she can pay for it herself. And man, now I'm extra glad that I didn't give her any money. I would be so angry if I gave her money to detox and then she backed out of going! Anyway, it's a mess. I have moments when I consider calling CPS, but I just feel like I don't have enough information to know whether the situation is bad enough that it's worth the trouble that would cause.

I wouldn't mind taking care of him while she's in detox, but because he is so young and would have to fly here, it doesn't seem very practical. She has a babysitter who takes care of the child overnight sometimes, so my guess is that she was planning to send him to the babysitter, but who knows, maybe she was planning on leaving the child with the father. That would be a very poor decision IMO.

Hi jjj111, You are a wonderful caring sister indeed. One piece of advice I learned the hard way regarding money; if she want cash for let's say to detox or food or whatever, tell her to send the bill to your home, if you give her money, and her husband sees it or she changes her mind about being sober, that hard earned money may go to drugs. I say that in the kindest way, drug addicts lie, lie and lie some more! You can send gift cards to grocery stores, they can't be used for alcohol or cigarettes I think. Is there any family out where she lives? Sent the money to them. Addicts, not recovered, just cannot be trusted. Plain and simple. How old is the child? If the child is a baby, they can't travel by air alone. But a 5 yr old may have an escort to fly with them. I know the dollar signs are pilling up in your mind, they are in mine. But your sister, if she is truly sincere about her sobriety, is well worth the effort, right? Just some ideas for you to think about as your new friend, your sister and brother in law are very lucky, very lucky you care so much about them. But don't overwhelm yourself, if they say F*** off, give them time, as long as the safety of the child is not in jeapordy, a little thinking time may be all she needs. Take care, TF

Oh man I need to add please please please dont ever feel safe with giftcards! Dealers love, I mean LOVE getting them as forms of payment. There is so much more deniability in a raid by law enforcement. Sorry... I know it is OT, but I saw it mentioned and I just had to share.

Im so sorry about your sister. Hugs to you. I hope she sees the light.

Yes, my boundary at this point is that I will not give money (even gift cards) to grown people who are capable of supporting themselves. I got in a very bad situation a few years ago with a boyfriend who was an addict and drained me of quite a bit of money. Never again.

Hi, Sorry it was me that suggested girt cards. My AD children are young, and I'm new at how to handle the money thing while they are in college. I never thought that gift cards could be traded for drugs...? It's a hard call, I didn't mean to give bad advice but it has worked so far with my AD's. this is a tough one for me. I hate funding their habits, hence the cards, I have learned not to give them cash. So if anyone has any suggestions for me, besides don't give them any money, I would welcome the input. The older AD is in college, it's her last semester, she needs to eat, rent is ridiculous, utilities, you get the point. She is almost graduated, she does work 20+ hrs a week ( not paid) as an internship, ha she works for the DA drug testing clients in the deferred prosecution program, how ironic, how odd? She's a tough cookie and can't be fooled easily. How she can work with addicts, being an active addict herself, is beyond me. But they like her, know of her addictions, know she is seeking therapy and sobriety, so they gave her the chance. Bt I do fund her education (I know what everyone is thinking, the buck stops at graduation in December, ok? Fair enough?) the younger AD helps me around the house, cleaning, walking the dogs, etc. I never give her money, she doesn't need any. She lives in my house, eats for free, etc. again, I'm sorry about the gift card suggestion, am I forgiven? Have a peaceful Friday morning jjj111 and all the SR family! TF

There is nothing to forgive so no worries! Most people have no idea how very very very resourceful addicts are. Discussions like this open people's eyes to what an addict will do for drugs. Food cards are provided by the government.....those are used as currency for drugs all the time. Many people aren't aware of that. Anything of value can be used as "currency" for drugs. Anything.

gentle hugs
ke

Hey sweetheart...you probably need to detach and just throw out a long anchor for support. Reading this made me so sad... It instantly reminded me of the movie...28 days. You had to grow up and lose your childhood to be the mom... Just as I did! Very very sad! I know that for the rest of my life... I will forever mourn the little child lost. It's time for you to be good to you! You will never ever be able to fix the brokenness of your sister! Just stay back in silence and let her know you love her...good love...mags

Oh yes thank you KE! Im sorry if I upset anyone =[ I was just trying to be honest by saying I mostly got all of my drugs with giftcards, and kept all of my real money for myself.
Ugh unsolicited advice! That was codie of me. =l

Lilly, I don't think that was Codie at all. Many of us have no idea that dealers would accept gift cards, so thank you for sharing.

Gotta love juvie drug court even more now. They give out gift cards.....to kids who even admit smoking Spice to avoid testing positive for pot. Then it's always a great experience explaining to your other child who tries hard to do the right things that there is no monetary compensation for it. :headbange

Everyone copes with their addicts the best they can, I know the gift card suggestion was made in the spirit of helping! I appreciate all of your support. No word from her still, so I am thinking I was right to conclude she is backing out of her detox plan. Thanks for reminding me, steelmagnolia, that there is a little kid in me that never got to be a little kid, and that she deserves a little fun and attention. Your comment brought tears to my eyes. Sometimes I underestimate how much my childhood experiences, with two alcoholic parents, continues to shape the struggles I face today. I am going to do something I enjoy this afternoon, and then having dinner with friends tonight. I will try to focus today on being in the moment instead of falling into my very old pattern of mothering my sister.

Good for you jjj!!! Don't ever forget that you are the most important person in your life regardless of the past...always be good to your inner child...she needs your care!!! Good love...mags

JJJ, until I found meetings and my own recovery program, I found that my well-being was directly related to my son's. When he did well, I did well, when he relapsed, I relapsed and became miserable and afraid for him.

I knew my recovery was kicking in and that all my work had been worthwhile when I remained "okay" no matter how my son was.

I cannot say how much meetings and learning to work those 12 Steps of recovery helped me, and so many here, find our balance and learn to live healthy, happy, peaceful lives. Maybe give them a try.

Lily, my son managed to cash in groceries, absolute staples like milk and butter and bread...to buy drugs. Don't feel guilty. What I learned was to give what I felt comfortable giving for things like food and basic toiletries or gloves, scarf and hat in winter when he lived on the street...and if he chose to sell them well ain't that a shame but at least he had a shot of eating and staying warm.

Hugs

Thank you for posting am going to dig that book up.. and read it. and put it out on the computer table . maybe someone in my house will read it too.. love ardy hugs and prayers to all for a long weekend is here.. Please God just a little peace..