Rehab #1, work way down the list, right ??
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Rehab #1, work way down the list, right ??
I have to ask this question on its own, and Im angry. My husband is in rehab, and there was a legal threat because of actions he did when he was using. It was handled, his employer took the hit, no threat of lawsuit anymore or anything. He was kept in the loop and had input, but now that the initial threat is over I think work should be leaving him alone. They have him all stressed out because they are scrambling around wanting to make demands on him and have him agree to it all right now. Its not fair. He needs time to heal, and to think, and to work on the inside stuff. Work can wait, their needs can wait.
Am I wrong here?
Am I wrong here?
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It doesn't really matter if what they're doing is sensitive or not - they have a right to request reasonable action from an employee. Depending on the state, sometimes they can have pretty unreasonable requests as well. (Ugh.) I had a very bad day at work today, my boss piled on a bunch of extra ad-hoc stuff that I wouldn't usually have to do onto my already extremely overloaded schedule, and he didn't even ask politely. Was it nice of him to do that, especially given that I was already struggling with more than my assigned workload? No. Is it his right to do so? Yep.
So it's better for me to focus on how I'm going to get all of this stuff accomplished in the best way that I know how. Worrying about how he is being a jerk doesn't get any of the work done and will only lead to more stress. Taking action to get my task level down to a more manageable level will have the best outcome both for myself and for my job stability.
My point is basically that it doesn't really matter whether they're being unreasonable, that is out of his control. The only thing that he can control is how he responds to that pressure.
So it's better for me to focus on how I'm going to get all of this stuff accomplished in the best way that I know how. Worrying about how he is being a jerk doesn't get any of the work done and will only lead to more stress. Taking action to get my task level down to a more manageable level will have the best outcome both for myself and for my job stability.
My point is basically that it doesn't really matter whether they're being unreasonable, that is out of his control. The only thing that he can control is how he responds to that pressure.
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I have to respectfully disagree. There are plenty of people able to do his job, and employment issues are simply an effect of using. D was fired every time he went to rehab... I've lost jobs because of using before. If his employers let anything slide, imo thats enabling.
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I think it depends on his work situation, and the situation you are describing where they took responsibility for whatever happened. There may be loose ends they need to tie up, etc. In general, rehab is to focus on their own lives, learning behavior techniques and things like this. My husband did phase work, and contact with his workplace back in while he was in rehab, during the last portion there. I think it also depends on how the person is doing. Rehab environment is protected and when he gets back into life out of there, he has to be able to cope and function.
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Just because someone is in rehab doesn’t mean life stops around and waits for them to catch up. It can’t it doesn’t work like that.
It sounds like they did him a huge favor, and if they need something from him then he has to deal with that.
Maybe switch your view, be grateful he is in rehab and has support there to help him learn how to cope and work though the situations he got himself into. Can’t think of a better place for him to have to deal with anything stressful and learn tools to cope.
And I don’t buy rehab number 1, work your way down, kinda does him a disservice. It would be nice if it worked that way but that doesn't mean it will.
He is a grown man, he has responsibilities outside his addiction that he will have to take care of and he can’t hide behind his addiction, or rehab or wait for the best time… there is no best time to deal with things that are stressful.
It sounds like they did him a huge favor, and if they need something from him then he has to deal with that.
Maybe switch your view, be grateful he is in rehab and has support there to help him learn how to cope and work though the situations he got himself into. Can’t think of a better place for him to have to deal with anything stressful and learn tools to cope.
And I don’t buy rehab number 1, work your way down, kinda does him a disservice. It would be nice if it worked that way but that doesn't mean it will.
He is a grown man, he has responsibilities outside his addiction that he will have to take care of and he can’t hide behind his addiction, or rehab or wait for the best time… there is no best time to deal with things that are stressful.
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My husband is in rehab, and there was a legal threat because of actions he did when he was using.
It was handled, his employer took the hit, no threat of lawsuit anymore or anything. He was kept in the loop and had input, but now that the initial threat is over I think work should be leaving him alone. They have him all stressed out
Its not fair. He needs time to heal, and to think, and to work on the inside stuff. Work can wait, their needs can wait.
Stop throwing the pillow under his a@@. Allow him to take responsibility for himself right now today and deal with life on life's terms.
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Wow.....what an amazing employer. They "took the hit" for the legal troubles your husband created while using........and they are still involving him to keep him in the loop and employed. Simply amazing. He's a very lucky man. Maybe I'm missing something.......
gentle hugs
ke
gentle hugs
ke
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Originally Posted by BlueChair 
I have to ask this question on its own, and Im angry. My husband is in rehab, and there was a legal threat because of actions he did when he was using. It was handled, his employer took the hit, no threat of lawsuit anymore or anything. He was kept in the loop and had input, but now that the initial threat is over I think work should be leaving him alone. They have him all stressed out because they are scrambling around wanting to make demands on him and have him agree to it all right now. Its not fair. He needs time to heal, and to think, and to work on the inside stuff. Work can wait, their needs can wait.
Am I wrong here?
Am I wrong here?
ZoSo
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He has to face the consequences of his actions. His employer has no obligation to "let him heal", they have a job to do, money to make, and a business to run. Their needs don't have to wait. They can move on without him.
Don't make excuses for your addict. Don't try to shield him from this. Life doesn't stop because they decide to go into recovery, and if you try to protect him from that, you're *slowing* his recovery... not helping it.
It's not his job's responsibility to protect him. That they have so far means he owes them a great deal. Of course he's stressed. He should be. That's how he gets better... learning to deal with stress without turning to substances.
Don't make excuses for your addict. Don't try to shield him from this. Life doesn't stop because they decide to go into recovery, and if you try to protect him from that, you're *slowing* his recovery... not helping it.
It's not his job's responsibility to protect him. That they have so far means he owes them a great deal. Of course he's stressed. He should be. That's how he gets better... learning to deal with stress without turning to substances.
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YOU are angry that your husband has to face the consequences for what he did while using? he COULD have been fired, he COULD have been taken to court and either fined or locked up. he's dang lucky to still HAVE a job.
the world doesn't stop and wait while the addict gets his sh!t together. he thought he was man enough to do the drugs and do the crimes, he can certainly be man enough now to suck it up and deal.
the world doesn't stop and wait while the addict gets his sh!t together. he thought he was man enough to do the drugs and do the crimes, he can certainly be man enough now to suck it up and deal.
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I was inpatient and I feel like I was tremendously lucky to have had that opportunity. From what I understand only one in 10 addicts/alkies get the help they need. I know that there are a lot of people who could have used the help I received who for many reasons aren't able to get it and are out there doing the best they can.
I know you mean well, but to anyone with our mindset, sympathy is a great platform for a high dive of relapse. Some of the people I met who had bounced in and out 3,4, 8 times had people back home that didn't say "enough". I had a few instances where there were some kids there in their late 20's, their parents had sent them and I found myself feeling motherly and overprotective (I am 48). One day it dawned on me that in my late 20's I had lived on my own for almost 10 years, had worked since I was 14 washing dishes, paid off $50,000 in student loans and was running a large department at a major firm in a huge city. I didn't have a fallback, no one would have picked me up if I hadn't showed up for work. It was kind of an aha moment for me, because I realized that well meaning loved ones can actually perpetuate the damage.
I wondered how some of these guys actually stood a chance, they had never experienced accountability, someone always cleaned up their messes and caught them if they fell. I actually felt badly because I realized they weren't learning the life skill of accountability even while in rehab, something I believe is integral to recovery.
It is wonderful to be supportive of your husband, but he is doing what he needs to do for himself, it is not charity work. He will ultimately reap the benefits or pay the price based on the results of his recovery. It sounds like you are very loving, but I would urge you to direct that energy inwards and be sound about your boundaries and what you deserve.
I know you mean well, but to anyone with our mindset, sympathy is a great platform for a high dive of relapse. Some of the people I met who had bounced in and out 3,4, 8 times had people back home that didn't say "enough". I had a few instances where there were some kids there in their late 20's, their parents had sent them and I found myself feeling motherly and overprotective (I am 48). One day it dawned on me that in my late 20's I had lived on my own for almost 10 years, had worked since I was 14 washing dishes, paid off $50,000 in student loans and was running a large department at a major firm in a huge city. I didn't have a fallback, no one would have picked me up if I hadn't showed up for work. It was kind of an aha moment for me, because I realized that well meaning loved ones can actually perpetuate the damage.
I wondered how some of these guys actually stood a chance, they had never experienced accountability, someone always cleaned up their messes and caught them if they fell. I actually felt badly because I realized they weren't learning the life skill of accountability even while in rehab, something I believe is integral to recovery.
It is wonderful to be supportive of your husband, but he is doing what he needs to do for himself, it is not charity work. He will ultimately reap the benefits or pay the price based on the results of his recovery. It sounds like you are very loving, but I would urge you to direct that energy inwards and be sound about your boundaries and what you deserve.
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He's lucky he still has a job to go back to. If his job is that high stress then maybe he should quit his job.
Can you support yourself?
What will happen if he gets out and relapses? (I really hope that doesn't happen)
Can you support yourself?
What will happen if he gets out and relapses? (I really hope that doesn't happen)
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Originally Posted by KeepinItReal
He's lucky he still has a job to go back to. If his job is that high stress then maybe he should quit his job.
Can you support yourself?
What will happen if he gets out and relapses? (I really hope that doesn't happen)
Can you support yourself?
What will happen if he gets out and relapses? (I really hope that doesn't happen)
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Thanks to everyone for sharing their thoughts. I was reading your words earlier today, and thought about what each of you had to say.
My husband has taken full responsibility for his actions while he was relapsing. He admitted to taking too many risks with what his work involves, he admits making bad choices, bad decisions, and for causing the whole mess for everyone he works with, and the third party. He is probably his own worst critic, and is very hard on himself. Still in disbelief of why he did some of what he did regarding the work situation. He hasnt tried to deny responsibility at all.
When things first came out, he was physically and mentally too sick to be much help to anyone trying to decide how to handle things, or providing reliable information. His dad has been a big help in being a go between while he is in rehab, and sorting through the mess. It was necessary it be taken care of as soon as possible for everyone, not just my husband. In fairness, the settlement to the third party benefited everyone, buy yes it keep his reputation much cleaner.
And he is very much a big part of the company he works for, the risk of him getting fired was always almost nonexistent unless his reputation got destroyed. It was almost one of those save me, save us all type of things in a business sense.
But most of the people he works with closely are also friends on some level. And they all wanted him in rehab, and have been very supportive. He is grateful for their support. I am also.
It just seems like now that the crisis is over, since they wanted him in rehab and understand he needs to get well. They would let him have this time and not start now trying to make rules for when he comes back to work. It wont be for a while, I dont even know when, so it seems like there is time.
Its more of a time issue that Im upset about. I know as hard as it is for him to swallow, he needs to have some boundaries at his job for a while. He has already experienced paws symptoms, and part of that is like a foggy brain, trouble concentrating. They would be very foolish to not have restrictions to protect the business. I understand this, and I know he does also.
the post wasnt about any of that stuff, only about timing of putting them in place.
but you are right, its how he handles what is brought his way that counts. I can see the work issues distracting him though, taking the focus off him adn the drug use, and whats hurt inside him. I can see him negotiating the new boundaries with them, and his deciding what he will and wont accept, and how to get what he wants. All of it is a distraction from his looking inside and getting well. I just want him well and to use this limited amount of time in rehab and all the resources there for his benefit.
My husband has taken full responsibility for his actions while he was relapsing. He admitted to taking too many risks with what his work involves, he admits making bad choices, bad decisions, and for causing the whole mess for everyone he works with, and the third party. He is probably his own worst critic, and is very hard on himself. Still in disbelief of why he did some of what he did regarding the work situation. He hasnt tried to deny responsibility at all.
When things first came out, he was physically and mentally too sick to be much help to anyone trying to decide how to handle things, or providing reliable information. His dad has been a big help in being a go between while he is in rehab, and sorting through the mess. It was necessary it be taken care of as soon as possible for everyone, not just my husband. In fairness, the settlement to the third party benefited everyone, buy yes it keep his reputation much cleaner.
And he is very much a big part of the company he works for, the risk of him getting fired was always almost nonexistent unless his reputation got destroyed. It was almost one of those save me, save us all type of things in a business sense.
But most of the people he works with closely are also friends on some level. And they all wanted him in rehab, and have been very supportive. He is grateful for their support. I am also.
It just seems like now that the crisis is over, since they wanted him in rehab and understand he needs to get well. They would let him have this time and not start now trying to make rules for when he comes back to work. It wont be for a while, I dont even know when, so it seems like there is time.
Its more of a time issue that Im upset about. I know as hard as it is for him to swallow, he needs to have some boundaries at his job for a while. He has already experienced paws symptoms, and part of that is like a foggy brain, trouble concentrating. They would be very foolish to not have restrictions to protect the business. I understand this, and I know he does also.
the post wasnt about any of that stuff, only about timing of putting them in place.
but you are right, its how he handles what is brought his way that counts. I can see the work issues distracting him though, taking the focus off him adn the drug use, and whats hurt inside him. I can see him negotiating the new boundaries with them, and his deciding what he will and wont accept, and how to get what he wants. All of it is a distraction from his looking inside and getting well. I just want him well and to use this limited amount of time in rehab and all the resources there for his benefit.
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BC - as both an RA and a recovering codie, it sounds like the people he works with have been supportive, but now they are having to deal with how he messed up. They have that right.
I agree with those who pointed out that life doesn't stop while he's in rehab. I didn't go to rehab, I know of many who didn't. I was allowed (by my dad) to sleep for a few days, get over the bronchitis I had, and then I was expected to start working! Start paying back the $$ he had forked out for me during my relapse.
Honestly, rehab is a good place for someone to be hit with "reality". He's around supportive people who understand. I didn't have that. I had SR, I had the willingness to recover above anything else. I was not allowed to work in the same restaurant (I went from being an RN to waiting tables due to addiction) after my relapse, but was allowed to work with the same chain - went to work that night, once I finally tucked my tail and talked to them.
That was over 6 years ago. He either wants it or he doesn't. When we want it bad enough, we find a way.
Timing? Some of us RA's are still dealing with the consequences of our past, years later. I'm grateful the people in my life allowed me to handle legal/financial/etc. issues.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I agree with those who pointed out that life doesn't stop while he's in rehab. I didn't go to rehab, I know of many who didn't. I was allowed (by my dad) to sleep for a few days, get over the bronchitis I had, and then I was expected to start working! Start paying back the $$ he had forked out for me during my relapse.
Honestly, rehab is a good place for someone to be hit with "reality". He's around supportive people who understand. I didn't have that. I had SR, I had the willingness to recover above anything else. I was not allowed to work in the same restaurant (I went from being an RN to waiting tables due to addiction) after my relapse, but was allowed to work with the same chain - went to work that night, once I finally tucked my tail and talked to them.
That was over 6 years ago. He either wants it or he doesn't. When we want it bad enough, we find a way.
Timing? Some of us RA's are still dealing with the consequences of our past, years later. I'm grateful the people in my life allowed me to handle legal/financial/etc. issues.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Originally Posted by BlueChair
In fairness, the settlement to the third party benefited everyone, buy yes it keep his reputation much cleaner.
It's obvious how much you love your husband and how concerned you are about his well-being. It may seem that he feels really bad about what happened, but that didn't stop him from using again when he went home for his weekend pass did it? Please, PLEASE allow him the dignity of dealing with his own mistakes so that he can then LEARN from them and move on to a better place.
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Blue,
I think it might be helpful for you to look this in the manner that Impurrfect described. The problems with work is something that he will have to deal with at some point. It will be emotional for him, stressful, and right now he can work through his' part in all of it, make peace while he has therapists and people to talk to, time to take it all in, and let it all out.
In my husbands case, he dealt with many issues while he was still in rehab. They actually thought it was a positive thing. When he left rehab many of the pieces of his life were already arranged. It would have been a much more difficult if he came home, and then... he had to initiate conversation with people he worked with, issues with our marriage, breakdown in friendships, etc. In rehab, he had time to feel the emotions, and think about it all (in a safe environment).
I think it might be helpful for you to look this in the manner that Impurrfect described. The problems with work is something that he will have to deal with at some point. It will be emotional for him, stressful, and right now he can work through his' part in all of it, make peace while he has therapists and people to talk to, time to take it all in, and let it all out.
In my husbands case, he dealt with many issues while he was still in rehab. They actually thought it was a positive thing. When he left rehab many of the pieces of his life were already arranged. It would have been a much more difficult if he came home, and then... he had to initiate conversation with people he worked with, issues with our marriage, breakdown in friendships, etc. In rehab, he had time to feel the emotions, and think about it all (in a safe environment).
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Originally Posted by jaynie04
I was inpatient and I feel like I was tremendously lucky to have had that opportunity. From what I understand only one in 10 addicts/alkies get the help they need. I know that there are a lot of people who could have used the help I received who for many reasons aren't able to get it and are out there doing the best they can.
I know you mean well, but to anyone with our mindset, sympathy is a great platform for a high dive of relapse. Some of the people I met who had bounced in and out 3,4, 8 times had people back home that didn't say "enough". I had a few instances where there were some kids there in their late 20's, their parents had sent them and I found myself feeling motherly and overprotective (I am 48). One day it dawned on me that in my late 20's I had lived on my own for almost 10 years, had worked since I was 14 washing dishes, paid off $50,000 in student loans and was running a large department at a major firm in a huge city. I didn't have a fallback, no one would have picked me up if I hadn't showed up for work. It was kind of an aha moment for me, because I realized that well meaning loved ones can actually perpetuate the damage.
I wondered how some of these guys actually stood a chance, they had never experienced accountability, someone always cleaned up their messes and caught them if they fell. I actually felt badly because I realized they weren't learning the life skill of accountability even while in rehab, something I believe is integral to recovery.
It is wonderful to be supportive of your husband, but he is doing what he needs to do for himself, it is not charity work. He will ultimately reap the benefits or pay the price based on the results of his recovery. It sounds like you are very loving, but I would urge you to direct that energy inwards and be sound about your boundaries and what you deserve.
I know you mean well, but to anyone with our mindset, sympathy is a great platform for a high dive of relapse. Some of the people I met who had bounced in and out 3,4, 8 times had people back home that didn't say "enough". I had a few instances where there were some kids there in their late 20's, their parents had sent them and I found myself feeling motherly and overprotective (I am 48). One day it dawned on me that in my late 20's I had lived on my own for almost 10 years, had worked since I was 14 washing dishes, paid off $50,000 in student loans and was running a large department at a major firm in a huge city. I didn't have a fallback, no one would have picked me up if I hadn't showed up for work. It was kind of an aha moment for me, because I realized that well meaning loved ones can actually perpetuate the damage.
I wondered how some of these guys actually stood a chance, they had never experienced accountability, someone always cleaned up their messes and caught them if they fell. I actually felt badly because I realized they weren't learning the life skill of accountability even while in rehab, something I believe is integral to recovery.
It is wonderful to be supportive of your husband, but he is doing what he needs to do for himself, it is not charity work. He will ultimately reap the benefits or pay the price based on the results of his recovery. It sounds like you are very loving, but I would urge you to direct that energy inwards and be sound about your boundaries and what you deserve.
I am a little hung up on the part where you mention (( sympathy )) and I think I understand what your saying, but Im trying to contrast it with ((compassion)) in this situation. He is taking full responsibility for his actions, and I dont feel like he is in a ((poor me, Im a victim)) type of thinking. If I sympathized with him, and encouraged that type of thinking then it would be wrong. I think that is what you are saying?
I want to do the right things to help him, Im trying to be honest with my feelings towards him. Im not at all involved in the work things, so I dont have any impact on what happens.
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I want to do the right things to help him, Im trying to be honest with my feelings towards him. Im not at all involved in the work things, so I dont have any impact on what happens.
BlueChair, with all compassion to you, you ARE involved in his work things. That is what you are writing about here on SR. You may not be able to impact what happens on the work side, but you are trying to figure out what the best way is for your AH to handle this.
That is not your job. That is his job.
I think the best thing you can do for him is to say "I believe in you, and while I understand that this is tough right now, I have faith that you are smart and tough enough and dedicated to real recovery enough to figure this out yourself".
Running from his issues through addiction is what got him into rehab. Sometimes you just to go into the crucible to learn how to be strong enough to emerge whole.
ShootingStar1
BlueChair, with all compassion to you, you ARE involved in his work things. That is what you are writing about here on SR. You may not be able to impact what happens on the work side, but you are trying to figure out what the best way is for your AH to handle this.
That is not your job. That is his job.
I think the best thing you can do for him is to say "I believe in you, and while I understand that this is tough right now, I have faith that you are smart and tough enough and dedicated to real recovery enough to figure this out yourself".
Running from his issues through addiction is what got him into rehab. Sometimes you just to go into the crucible to learn how to be strong enough to emerge whole.
ShootingStar1
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