Rehab #1, work way down the list, right ??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 
I want to do the right things to help him, Im trying to be honest with my feelings towards him. Im not at all involved in the work things, so I dont have any impact on what happens.
BlueChair, with all compassion to you, you ARE involved in his work things. That is what you are writing about here on SR. You may not be able to impact what happens on the work side, but you are trying to figure out what the best way is for your AH to handle this.
That is not your job. That is his job.
I think the best thing you can do for him is to say "I believe in you, and while I understand that this is tough right now, I have faith that you are smart and tough enough and dedicated to real recovery enough to figure this out yourself".
Running from his issues through addiction is what got him into rehab. Sometimes you just to go into the crucible to learn how to be strong enough to emerge whole.
ShootingStar1
BlueChair, with all compassion to you, you ARE involved in his work things. That is what you are writing about here on SR. You may not be able to impact what happens on the work side, but you are trying to figure out what the best way is for your AH to handle this.
That is not your job. That is his job.
I think the best thing you can do for him is to say "I believe in you, and while I understand that this is tough right now, I have faith that you are smart and tough enough and dedicated to real recovery enough to figure this out yourself".
Running from his issues through addiction is what got him into rehab. Sometimes you just to go into the crucible to learn how to be strong enough to emerge whole.
ShootingStar1
I am going to see him later today, and I am going to take your suggestion (( Shooting Star )). Im going to tell him I have faith in him, and know he can handle things with them. I know also the people he works with are trying to be fair with him, not trying to hurt him, punish him. They have a responsibility and a job to do.
Im glad I posted here about it. Had to give it a lot of thought but I think I got to the other side.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Bluechair, I think it's very courageous of you to let this one go and let him handle the consequences of the poor choices he made while using. I know how hard it is to relinquish control and admit we are powerless over our loved one's addictions. For me it is something I have to constantly remind myself to do. Old habits die hard, and sometimes I launch into rescue mode before I even realize what's happening!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Knoxville, tn
Posts: 58
I think in some situations it's important for them to face and deal with work stuff while they are there. When they get out it's going to tough going back to a job and everyone knowing whatever situation and how to face them with grace and honesty. My husband is a RN and so his rehab had a lot to do with his job. He will be followed by the state on a sort of probation for the next three years to be able to keep his license. I think it's important for him to understand that although things worked out in his favor he could have ended up in jail or faced a lawsuit. So now when he applies for a job he has to disclose up front what he did and that he has stipulations. I'm glad the therapists helped him navigate this while in rehab. Held him accountable. Being an addict is not a free pass to forget the things you did while using just because your sober now. Rehab shouldn't be a bubble. If it is life is going to be extremely overwhelming when you come home newly sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 74
I've spent a lot of time trying to tell my husband what he needs to do. Who he needs to talk to. How he needs to deal with things. It hasn't worked, and it won't work. I often joke in Al Anon that if he was just listen to me, he'd be fine!
I finally had to apologize to him for trying to run his recovery. I can't do that, and expect it to work. What I can do is support him, tell him when I can't help him with a problem ("That's something you should talk to your sponsor about, I don't think I can help.") and be there for him, but I can't be his worrier. I've spent too much time trying to protect him from himself. I just can't anymore.
I finally had to apologize to him for trying to run his recovery. I can't do that, and expect it to work. What I can do is support him, tell him when I can't help him with a problem ("That's something you should talk to your sponsor about, I don't think I can help.") and be there for him, but I can't be his worrier. I've spent too much time trying to protect him from himself. I just can't anymore.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by someoneswife
I think in some situations it's important for them to face and deal with work stuff while they are there. When they get out it's going to tough going back to a job and everyone knowing whatever situation and how to face them with grace and honesty. My husband is a RN and so his rehab had a lot to do with his job. He will be followed by the state on a sort of probation for the next three years to be able to keep his license. I think it's important for him to understand that although things worked out in his favor he could have ended up in jail or faced a lawsuit. So now when he applies for a job he has to disclose up front what he did and that he has stipulations. I'm glad the therapists helped him navigate this while in rehab. Held him accountable. Being an addict is not a free pass to forget the things you did while using just because your sober now. Rehab shouldn't be a bubble. If it is life is going to be extremely overwhelming when you come home newly sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
We had a talk about the work situation when I was with him last night. I asked him if he felt like making decisions about work right now, and he said yes.(this was all I was worried about).
I dont think it is going to end up being that bad for him now that the settlement is done. They want him to agree to drug testing because it went by for a couple of months and no one knew, and thats when he made bad decisions, crazy choices. He said he was good with it. And I think they want him to have decisions over a certain dollar amount approved by a specific person. At first this guy who he doesnt like so much wanted to be the one, but my husband said he wasnt doing that and suggested someone else, and that person agreed. They have a better working relationship, so he seems ok with it now. I dont know how long all that will go on, I guess it depends how he recovers from all this. There is the paws stuff, and he could relapse.
Also dont know when he will go back to work, he said he is thinking about waiting until the beginning of next year, said he wants time to recover, and work on us because he knows he is in the doghouse. More to figure out I guess.
I dont think it is going to end up being that bad for him now that the settlement is done. They want him to agree to drug testing because it went by for a couple of months and no one knew, and thats when he made bad decisions, crazy choices. He said he was good with it. And I think they want him to have decisions over a certain dollar amount approved by a specific person. At first this guy who he doesnt like so much wanted to be the one, but my husband said he wasnt doing that and suggested someone else, and that person agreed. They have a better working relationship, so he seems ok with it now. I dont know how long all that will go on, I guess it depends how he recovers from all this. There is the paws stuff, and he could relapse.
Also dont know when he will go back to work, he said he is thinking about waiting until the beginning of next year, said he wants time to recover, and work on us because he knows he is in the doghouse. More to figure out I guess.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by BlueChair
Im sorry, why what bothers me so much?
. My husband is in rehab, and there was a legal threat because of actions he did when he was using. It was handled, his employer took the hit, no threat of lawsuit anymore or anything. He was kept in the loop and had input, but now that the initial threat is over I think work should be leaving him alone. They have him all stressed out because they are scrambling around wanting to make demands on him and have him agree to it all right now. Its not fair. He needs time to heal, and to think, and to work on the inside stuff. Work can wait, their needs can wait.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by tomsteve
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
. My husband is in rehab, and there was a legal threat because of actions he did when he was using. It was handled, his employer took the hit, no threat of lawsuit anymore or anything. He was kept in the loop and had input, but now that the initial threat is over I think work should be leaving him alone. They have him all stressed out because they are scrambling around wanting to make demands on him and have him agree to it all right now. Its not fair. He needs time to heal, and to think, and to work on the inside stuff. Work can wait, their needs can wait.
. My husband is in rehab, and there was a legal threat because of actions he did when he was using. It was handled, his employer took the hit, no threat of lawsuit anymore or anything. He was kept in the loop and had input, but now that the initial threat is over I think work should be leaving him alone. They have him all stressed out because they are scrambling around wanting to make demands on him and have him agree to it all right now. Its not fair. He needs time to heal, and to think, and to work on the inside stuff. Work can wait, their needs can wait.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
