Is it me???
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Is it me???
I remember when my husband first sought recovery, I was so proud of him and even told him so many times.
Today, I feel so differently. What is there to be proud of?? That my husband, a grown man, a husband, and a father.....wasn't taking drugs anymore. (I am speaking as a wife, not a mother....big difference, IMO)
I don't think that is something to be proud of anymore. That should be a "given."
Is it me or does anyone else cringe about once being "proud?" Have I become jaded or was my norm that distorted?
Today, I feel so differently. What is there to be proud of?? That my husband, a grown man, a husband, and a father.....wasn't taking drugs anymore. (I am speaking as a wife, not a mother....big difference, IMO)
I don't think that is something to be proud of anymore. That should be a "given."
Is it me or does anyone else cringe about once being "proud?" Have I become jaded or was my norm that distorted?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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Surviving addiction and staying clean defies all odds and statistics.
It's tremendously hard work.
So, on one hand, yes, it's a bit silly to feel so proud, after all, the addict has let everyone around them down, and acted in a way that is selfish and destructive.
But once you reach the tipping point of addiction, recovery is so rare, so difficult, that it is kind hearted to appreciate the effort that it takes to really do it.
It's tremendously hard work.
So, on one hand, yes, it's a bit silly to feel so proud, after all, the addict has let everyone around them down, and acted in a way that is selfish and destructive.
But once you reach the tipping point of addiction, recovery is so rare, so difficult, that it is kind hearted to appreciate the effort that it takes to really do it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Oh poo, it's okay to feel proud of anyone who works hard to improve themselves. But I get your point...sorta like "I am so proud of my boy who doesn't rob banks anymore".
It's also okay to feel proud of ourselves, as we fight for sanity and a better way to live.
I'm proud as a peacock that I don't go try to kick down crack house doors anymore.
Maybe we really ARE crazy?
It's also okay to feel proud of ourselves, as we fight for sanity and a better way to live.
I'm proud as a peacock that I don't go try to kick down crack house doors anymore.
Maybe we really ARE crazy?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
I dont think it is anything to be proud of. I feel like that takes the focus off of the HP and onto the person. I havent stayed clean at all this fall. Jesus has kept me clean. The lord gets me to treatment everyday. My dad tells me he is proud of me, but I say Im just thankful to God. Does that make sense? It really isnt as much work as people (addicts) say... It is just letting go and living for God.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
I have moments of that as well. I'm dealing with not having any closure with my soon to be ex AH. He skipped town after telling me that I make him miserable and that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore..then poof, gone, no answers, I have no idea what he was really doing or saying, just hearing second hand from people in a little town that I'm a transplant from his now former job from. This was our second round of catching him, him entering rehab. It makes me angry because you find yourself thinking "it was a choice to pick up in the first place"...I feel like you, what's there to be proud of anymore. I'm just angry because I have no closure and he was too much of a coward to be the one to admit to me what he's done...which to me means 45 days of rehab didn't change his want for sobriety at all. It's not fair to leave a path of destruction and then people tell them how proud they are....sorry, having a bad night tonight for the first time in a while. Just watch your feelings, if they grow into complete resentment it's time to move on with your own life. I knew this was the last go for us if he used again, I just didn't expect him to be nasty and turn the tables, or even turn to using as soon as we moved to a different state. All I ever did was support and help him excel in his career, supported his sobriety, but that feeling of "proud" for me will never come back for him.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I do think that every addict who seeks recovery, maintains it and makes amends to those they hurt, should feel proud of their accomplishment.
However, when I quit smoking, start working out and eating healthy...I feel pleased with myself. I certainly do not think anyone should be "proud" of me for living a healthier life.
Also, I am not knocking anyone's commitment to recovery. I pray for all addicts daily.
Lol@ Ann......exactly!!
However, when I quit smoking, start working out and eating healthy...I feel pleased with myself. I certainly do not think anyone should be "proud" of me for living a healthier life.
Also, I am not knocking anyone's commitment to recovery. I pray for all addicts daily.
Lol@ Ann......exactly!!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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I hear people praise folks who beat cancer all the time, and for all I know, there's no mental component to that at all. (I know positive mental attitude, but don't want to debate that)
If you believe that alcoholism is at least partly a disease, then there is much to be proud of anyone who struggles to overcome and thrive with it.
Humans who confront adversity and struggle to get better are admirable to me, whether they be mentally challenged, physically disabled, or unfortunately injured.
I no longer feel the need to blame others for their part in their illness, I feel empathy for their struggle, because I understand the pain they feel, despite how they might not see what it does to those around them.
And Lily, opening yourself up to the faith that you could get better was an act of personal responsibility. You should be proud of your success. I am proud of you.
If you believe that alcoholism is at least partly a disease, then there is much to be proud of anyone who struggles to overcome and thrive with it.
Humans who confront adversity and struggle to get better are admirable to me, whether they be mentally challenged, physically disabled, or unfortunately injured.
I no longer feel the need to blame others for their part in their illness, I feel empathy for their struggle, because I understand the pain they feel, despite how they might not see what it does to those around them.
And Lily, opening yourself up to the faith that you could get better was an act of personal responsibility. You should be proud of your success. I am proud of you.
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Location: The Jungle
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When someone beats cancer, I admire their strength. When someone overcomes addiction, I admire their tenacity. When someone changes their codependent behaviors, I admire their courage.
And for all of those, I am happy for them.
I think you're right LMN......proud (=pride) just doesn't fit. I've read the article Cynical One refers to above, it's a good one. Using "I admire your (fill in the blank)" allows the individual to feel pride in their own strength, tenacity, or courage.....rather than us feeling pride for something we didn't do. Makes sense to me.
gentle hugs
ke
PS - and yes.....for me.....there was a huge difference between my feelings, actions, reactions, attitudes between my AXH and my son. Similar but very very different at the same time.
And for all of those, I am happy for them.
I think you're right LMN......proud (=pride) just doesn't fit. I've read the article Cynical One refers to above, it's a good one. Using "I admire your (fill in the blank)" allows the individual to feel pride in their own strength, tenacity, or courage.....rather than us feeling pride for something we didn't do. Makes sense to me.
gentle hugs
ke
PS - and yes.....for me.....there was a huge difference between my feelings, actions, reactions, attitudes between my AXH and my son. Similar but very very different at the same time.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by DoubleBarrel 
I hear people praise folks who beat cancer all the time, and for all I know, there's no mental component to that at all. (I know positive mental attitude, but don't want to debate that)
If you believe that alcoholism is at least partly a disease, then there is much to be proud of anyone who struggles to overcome and thrive with it.
Humans who confront adversity and struggle to get better are admirable to me, whether they be mentally challenged, physically disabled, or unfortunately injured.
I no longer feel the need to blame others for their part in their illness, I feel empathy for their struggle, because I understand the pain they feel, despite how they might not see what it does to those around them.
And Lily, opening yourself up to the faith that you could get better was an act of personal responsibility. You should be proud of your success. I am proud of you.
If you believe that alcoholism is at least partly a disease, then there is much to be proud of anyone who struggles to overcome and thrive with it.
Humans who confront adversity and struggle to get better are admirable to me, whether they be mentally challenged, physically disabled, or unfortunately injured.
I no longer feel the need to blame others for their part in their illness, I feel empathy for their struggle, because I understand the pain they feel, despite how they might not see what it does to those around them.
And Lily, opening yourself up to the faith that you could get better was an act of personal responsibility. You should be proud of your success. I am proud of you.
I am incredibly Proud of my husband. He has wonderful personal qualities that I have always admired, those strengths are what he called upon to help him fight his addiction. But as for the overall battle he went through: no way to describe it except for saying his whole family is incredibly proud of him.
Getting there!!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
When someone beats cancer, I admire their strength. When someone overcomes addiction, I admire their tenacity. When someone changes their codependent behaviors, I admire their courage.
And for all of those, I am happy for them.
I think you're right LMN......proud (=pride) just doesn't fit. I've read the article Cynical One refers to above, it's a good one. Using "I admire your (fill in the blank)" allows the individual to feel pride in their own strength, tenacity, or courage.....rather than us feeling pride for something we didn't do. Makes sense to me.
gentle hugs
ke
PS - and yes.....for me.....there was a huge difference between my feelings, actions, reactions, attitudes between my AXH and my son. Similar but very very different at the same time.
And for all of those, I am happy for them.
I think you're right LMN......proud (=pride) just doesn't fit. I've read the article Cynical One refers to above, it's a good one. Using "I admire your (fill in the blank)" allows the individual to feel pride in their own strength, tenacity, or courage.....rather than us feeling pride for something we didn't do. Makes sense to me.
gentle hugs
ke
PS - and yes.....for me.....there was a huge difference between my feelings, actions, reactions, attitudes between my AXH and my son. Similar but very very different at the same time.
Admiration is much different then being proud of someone else's hard work.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
I actually think my past conveyance of being proud was pretty counter productive. I realize now that by expressing enthusiasm for my sister's ability to do even mundane everyday tasks like going to the grocery store I was essentially implying that I didn't think she could do those things. I was expressing surprise that she was a capable adult. That reinforces her victimhood, and it reinforces my own ego thinking that I have some hand in her accomplishment.
Expressing admiration is a much better way to put it. I like that a lot. Thanks for that one!
Expressing admiration is a much better way to put it. I like that a lot. Thanks for that one!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
When "we" are proud of someone's else's behavior, then "we" should have no issues discussing it openly in front of anyone.
I seriously doubt many spouses will be discussing it at the next family gathering, wedding or class reunion. JMHO
I seriously doubt many spouses will be discussing it at the next family gathering, wedding or class reunion. JMHO
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by OneNightAWeek
This seems like it is based on codependent thinking. No matter what you think or feel, you are not in control of the persons ability to feel their own emotions, pride, disgust. Its unhealthy to think that your so enmeshed that they cant have independent feelings from yours. Your feeling pride, doesnt take it away from their having pride in themselves in any way. You not feeling proud, should not take away what they view as a proud accomplishment on their own. Only in dysfunctional relationships does this happen.
I almost feel like trying to eliminate your own ability to have personal pride in others, is an over the top codependent move to try to make sure there is no codependence going on. Unless you really feel your responsible for their accomplishments, another dysfunction.
I almost feel like trying to eliminate your own ability to have personal pride in others, is an over the top codependent move to try to make sure there is no codependence going on. Unless you really feel your responsible for their accomplishments, another dysfunction.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
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Interrupted hit the nail right on the head for me! When my son is on track I believe HE should be proud of the good choices/changes he is making. I admire his tenacity when he is actively trying to slay this Dragon.
On the flip side I admit openly to other people who know his struggles "I am very proud of him for the work he is doing"...
Still hopeful that someday I can admire his strength once more and feel proud of his positive choices again.
On the flip side I admit openly to other people who know his struggles "I am very proud of him for the work he is doing"...
Still hopeful that someday I can admire his strength once more and feel proud of his positive choices again.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I remember, in the past, sometimes hesitating to tell my son I was proud of him when he was in recovery...because it seemed to insinuate that I was ashamed of him when he was not. He is my son, I loved him good days and bad, even when I didn't like him much.
I think we can feel proud or not, whatever we want, and we can tell them or not, whatever we feel comfortable with.
Just my 2 cents from the bleachers.
I think we can feel proud or not, whatever we want, and we can tell them or not, whatever we feel comfortable with.
Just my 2 cents from the bleachers.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
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As a wife of an addict, I feel very differently now about being proud that he stopped doing freakin drugs. Really? Had my expectations of a marriage, a partnership, or of what a husband was suppose to be....sunk that low??
I guess if he was a cheater, had a sex addiction, I could have been proud of him being faithful too.
Just seems so sick and distorted to me now. But that's just where *I* am at in my own recovery.
I do not mean to trigger other recovery addicts. I, too, am a recovery (co) addict, only my DOC was my husband and his addiction. That said, I don't need anyone to feel proud of my efforts because they really only help me. Good or bad, they are just mine and I like it that way.
I guess if he was a cheater, had a sex addiction, I could have been proud of him being faithful too.
Just seems so sick and distorted to me now. But that's just where *I* am at in my own recovery.
I do not mean to trigger other recovery addicts. I, too, am a recovery (co) addict, only my DOC was my husband and his addiction. That said, I don't need anyone to feel proud of my efforts because they really only help me. Good or bad, they are just mine and I like it that way.
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