Is it me???
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I get so excited by them endless possibilities…and do get excited, admire as well anyone who takes a chance on themselves, is willing to learn, ask questions, seek out their own answers and live their own dreams…It takes a lot of courage to walk your own path and to learn the lessons, some very hard along the way.
I don’t use proud anymore I find it twisted.
And LMN it is a distorted reality in many ways.
I don’t use proud anymore I find it twisted.
And LMN it is a distorted reality in many ways.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
today is friday and payday. hank called a bit ago, they got rained out AGAIN and he was home by 10:15am or so. AND had already stopped at the bank and put his check in.
now there was a time....when an early off might still have involved a trip to the bank but not so much about putting money IN as taking money OUT and then of course the trip to some random location to the meet the dealer and race home as fast as possible and start hitting the pipe.
AND there was a time when after getting his call, i'd have already LEFT work and be making my OWN race home to partake.
yet here we are today. he's home, putting on sweats, gonna flip channels and then he and the dogs are going down for a nap. money is safe in the bank, and i'm staying here at work cuz i have stuff to do. i TOO got paid today, and i've already paid some bills, cuz i LIKE paying my debts.
am i PROUD of any of that? no. just HUGELY grateful. being "proud" for not smoking crack makes no sense. being appalled i ever DID is more to the point. i was never "proud" of hank for quitting, after a 20+ year war, just damned RELIEVED. i knew he had it in him, i just didn't know if he'd figure that out in time, or if i would have to bail.
and i'm PLEASED that hank swung by the bank on his way home? YES, otherwise i'd probably be adding a bank run to my other travels about tomorrow.
we never talked about it, when we quit...when we BOTH were quit for good. we just went on with our lives. no atta boys, no slaps on the back, no good on ya mates, unnecessary and irrelevant. we don't celebrate the anniversary, i personally can't remember the DAY, but i think it was august or september sometime, right before we bought the house. 2007. so i guess that's 6 years now? i was giving myself credit then cuz i thought it was more. SEEMS like more. seems like a lifetime ago.
now there was a time....when an early off might still have involved a trip to the bank but not so much about putting money IN as taking money OUT and then of course the trip to some random location to the meet the dealer and race home as fast as possible and start hitting the pipe.
AND there was a time when after getting his call, i'd have already LEFT work and be making my OWN race home to partake.
yet here we are today. he's home, putting on sweats, gonna flip channels and then he and the dogs are going down for a nap. money is safe in the bank, and i'm staying here at work cuz i have stuff to do. i TOO got paid today, and i've already paid some bills, cuz i LIKE paying my debts.
am i PROUD of any of that? no. just HUGELY grateful. being "proud" for not smoking crack makes no sense. being appalled i ever DID is more to the point. i was never "proud" of hank for quitting, after a 20+ year war, just damned RELIEVED. i knew he had it in him, i just didn't know if he'd figure that out in time, or if i would have to bail.
and i'm PLEASED that hank swung by the bank on his way home? YES, otherwise i'd probably be adding a bank run to my other travels about tomorrow.
we never talked about it, when we quit...when we BOTH were quit for good. we just went on with our lives. no atta boys, no slaps on the back, no good on ya mates, unnecessary and irrelevant. we don't celebrate the anniversary, i personally can't remember the DAY, but i think it was august or september sometime, right before we bought the house. 2007. so i guess that's 6 years now? i was giving myself credit then cuz i thought it was more. SEEMS like more. seems like a lifetime ago.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Well there was a time when I was proud of my son. Like.......the first time he pooped on the potty. Or when he learned how to tie his shoe. I was delighted when he took his first teetering steps. We celebrated his "success" in order to provide positive reinforcement at an age appropriate level.
You know....it is said that Eskimos have a bazillion words for "snow". I don't know if it's true or not.....but personally......I have more than one word or feeling for another person's accomplishments.....struggles.....etc. Using the word "proud" when speaking about overcoming addiction or meeting the normal expectations of an adult seems trite and, more than anything else..........condescending as hell.
Shortly before my Dad was killed, I handled a particularly difficult business situation (we were business partners). He didn't say "Kindeyes I'm proud of the way you handled that." He said "KE I admire the way you handled that." What's the difference? He put it in the perspective of adult to adult rather than father to daughter or adult to child. It meant a world of difference to me. My Dad was a smart man.
My husband is a very capable (non-addict) man. I don't think I have ever said "I'm proud of you." He's a grown a$$ man not a five year old. I've said "Thank you" or "you're amazing" or other complimentary phrases but not I'm proud of you.....in 28 years....nor do I recall a time that he ever said "I'm proud of you" to me. He is my partner. My equal.
Treat an addict like a five year old and they will meet your expectation.
gentle hugs
ke
You know....it is said that Eskimos have a bazillion words for "snow". I don't know if it's true or not.....but personally......I have more than one word or feeling for another person's accomplishments.....struggles.....etc. Using the word "proud" when speaking about overcoming addiction or meeting the normal expectations of an adult seems trite and, more than anything else..........condescending as hell.
Shortly before my Dad was killed, I handled a particularly difficult business situation (we were business partners). He didn't say "Kindeyes I'm proud of the way you handled that." He said "KE I admire the way you handled that." What's the difference? He put it in the perspective of adult to adult rather than father to daughter or adult to child. It meant a world of difference to me. My Dad was a smart man.
My husband is a very capable (non-addict) man. I don't think I have ever said "I'm proud of you." He's a grown a$$ man not a five year old. I've said "Thank you" or "you're amazing" or other complimentary phrases but not I'm proud of you.....in 28 years....nor do I recall a time that he ever said "I'm proud of you" to me. He is my partner. My equal.
Treat an addict like a five year old and they will meet your expectation.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
My parents are proud of me. It’s a good feeling, reaffirming. These are people who know me, and love me unconditionally. They recognize I have challenges in life, and when they see me making my way through them, they like to acknowledge it. I think it shows they care, it’s a sign of love, support, and most of all understanding. They could stop and break down individual things that they admire about me and point these out, but that is more like what people on the fringe of your life do. Saying Im proud of you groups all those things under one word. Its understood they are rolling up all these individual traits. (( Im just incredibly awesome in their eyes, obviously )) 
Since my husband relapsed, my family has told me how proud they are of the way Im handling things, other family members have said the same. Ive had some friends tell me they are proud of me, and hope they would have the ability to handle the situation as well. Ive also had friends tell me Im strong, or im brave. The more distant the relationship, the less personal the words because they see a smaller piece of my life and what Im experiencing.
I tell my husband I love him, and Im proud of him every time I see him now, usually I accompany it with a great big hug.
Since my husband relapsed, my family has told me how proud they are of the way Im handling things, other family members have said the same. Ive had some friends tell me they are proud of me, and hope they would have the ability to handle the situation as well. Ive also had friends tell me Im strong, or im brave. The more distant the relationship, the less personal the words because they see a smaller piece of my life and what Im experiencing.
I tell my husband I love him, and Im proud of him every time I see him now, usually I accompany it with a great big hug.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by BlueChair 
My parents are proud of me. It’s a good feeling, reaffirming. These are people who know me, and love me unconditionally. They recognize I have challenges in life, and when they see me making my way through them, they like to acknowledge it. I think it shows they care, it’s a sign of love, support, and most of all understanding. They could stop and break down individual things that they admire about me and point these out, but that is more like what people on the fringe of your life do. Saying Im proud of you groups all those things under one word. Its understood they are rolling up all these individual traits. (( Im just incredibly awesome in their eyes, obviously ))
Since my husband relapsed, my family has told me how proud they are of the way Im handling things, other family members have said the same. Ive had some friends tell me they are proud of me, and hope they would have the ability to handle the situation as well. Ive also had friends tell me Im strong, or im brave. The more distant the relationship, the less personal the words because they see a smaller piece of my life and what Im experiencing.
I tell my husband I love him, and Im proud of him every time I see him now, usually I accompany it with a great big hug.
Since my husband relapsed, my family has told me how proud they are of the way Im handling things, other family members have said the same. Ive had some friends tell me they are proud of me, and hope they would have the ability to handle the situation as well. Ive also had friends tell me Im strong, or im brave. The more distant the relationship, the less personal the words because they see a smaller piece of my life and what Im experiencing.
I tell my husband I love him, and Im proud of him every time I see him now, usually I accompany it with a great big hug.
However, I would prefer to be treated and looked at just a tab differently. I hope no one in my family ever thought they needed to call someone on my behalf especially after I asked them not to. I would prefer to be respected and viewed as capable of handling my own problems. But I guess we all very different on how we liked to be treated.
Have a wonderful day BC.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 31
Just looking through threads here, I know what you mean. My DH expects me to praise him daily for being off pills and tell me how proud I am of him for staying clean, going to work, etc. It's hard sometimes. I am proud of him for getting clean and I hope I can be proud of him for staying clean. I do say it and I do mean it. Just not ALL the time. For months now it's everyday if I haven't said it he basically makes me praise him. It ruins the point I think.
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