marcmterra

Hi everyone. Thanks for taking a moment to read and to help by sharing your experiences so that I can better understand and be of help to my wife. My wife has been taking Percocet off and on (mostly on, with her trying to get off them by herself and with me trying to help). She was married to an abusive husband before me and has significant PTSD. That plus integration of our families (we both have children from our previous marriages, and she and both have custody of our respective kids - a true Brady Bunch except we have 8 together and not 6)... I won't bore you with all the details, but some of the kids have either special needs, or very high needs and that has really been over the top for her (and me), which combination of stress at our home and her PTSD have caused her to cope with meds. when using, she would take 4-8 percocets (10mg) a day dependent of stress levels of the day. She also has prescrip for adder all for her add, which she usually takes 1-3 a day. The effect of the percocet to numb the stress, then needing adderall to feel awake enough to function, then in the evening needing ambient (1-3 dependent on the night) to sleep, often staying awake after her first dose (hallucinating, etc) and then sleeping a couple of hours, waking up and taking another ambien. Sorry to write so much... but that's the background. As of recently the stresses in the home have actually diminished, two of my boys went to live with their biological mother and those were two with some of the highest needs. Having less stress around was great, but it has also led to time, space and quiet to reflect on just what's brought us here, what have we not healed in our pasts, etc... That's actually led to further stress, feelings of failure on both our parts... She reached out for in patient help. The only resource was a detox center where I checked her into. It was marginal at best and was really geared for treating hard core heroin type addiction. I don't feel they managed her meds appropriately (she was way looped out when I'd speak with her, way past anything I'd seen when she was on the percocets). She did 5 days there, and yesterday (a Friday) I took her to an inpatient rehab center that was highly recommended. They have a blackout period of a week and a half that she can't have contact. Before the next part, I should back up. She does NOT want ANYONE to know about this. She believes that it will permanently scar her relationships with her family, that even though they might seem loving/supportive, long term they will keep this info inside and treat her differently, try to get her to the family religion, etc... She may have some valid points, but I do know that her family loves her very deeply. Now, on to the rest. Today (Saturday, the day after I got her in to this rehab facility) I got to come to the facility so that she could make some calls to the kids (who know nothing of anything and think mommy is at a clinic for another medical condition - which she does have, but we've inflated it's significance to buy time). Since the kids hadn't had contact with her for nearly a week, they were probably about to call the cops to verify whether I'd killed her or something, lol. Anyway, i got there, we made the few calls, and she was looking like absolute hell. Here is where I need the advice, particularly of those who've been in her shoes PLEASE help! She says "these people just want our money, they don't care about me, I'm still detoxing and they're not giving me enough meds to keep me comfortable." "The people who showed us around, oriented us to the program, are not even here, they don't really care." "I feel like such **** I can't even function and they got me up at 6 am when they know i've had no sleep (which is i know for certain true, she doesn't sleep hardly at all." "I want to go to a hotel for the weekend and just rest and sleep, then I can come back monday". She still recognizes and admits that this place is going to be good for her, once she is more through her withdrawl symptoms. It's especially problematic because we brought her there on a friday evening, and the weekends they don't do much theraputically, it's chore day, and much less structured than during the week. She knows she will get a ton out of group therapy, out of all the structured programs once monday starts, but she is really struggling. I feel in my heart such a shredding. I want to help her, but I also think that real help is making her stay (the tough love concept). The really hard part is that she is there totally voluntarily, so she could simply exercise her right to leave, and walk out the door. She is a VERY headstrong woman, and does not react well to others telling (or even advising) what to do. I'm scared she may actually walk out the door sometime this weekend. So the questions are as follows:
1. People who've been in her shoes... Is this situation completely normal? Does EVERYONE feel exactly how she feels right now? I believe this to be true, but I need to hear it from people who have been right there, who have no financial interest in whether she stays or goes, but can impartially tell me they've been there, done that, and that is exactly how they felt when they first got to rehab.
2. If you felt just like her, and given your understanding of others in her situation, how long did it take before you started to feel better? Not "I'm all better, thanks", but better enough that you weren't on the verge of walking out the door. Please tell me as much of your story as you have time for, I want to share that with my wife so she has something to hold on to at this miserable time for her. She already feels alone, and that although she knows that I love her more than life itself, that since I haven't been in her shoes I can never understand. I may not cognitively understand all that she is going through, lacking the same experiences, but I FEEL everything.
I am pretty sure of the answers I'll get, I've already asked one close friend who's been there, and that is what I was told this morning by him.
3. How can I best convey my "tough love" stance? How can I let her know that I really do feel so much for her, that I want to race in and bust her out, that I want to take her pain and this unbearable **** away and just take it myself, but that because I love her I won't. How can I make sure she doesn't feel abandoned if I take that stance with her? I need her to KNOW that I am always hers, that I will/would do anything for her so she feels safe/secure? How is that accomplished if I also say "I am not going to come get you" or something along those lines?
4. Is this what EVERY single rehab program feels like to those on the inside? Is this a consistent platform of effective programs that is used everywhere? And has it worked for you?
5. Any spouses who've been in similar circumstances to me, please give your advice.

Thankfully yours

BoxinRotz

If she is serious about wanting to get clean, it won't matter what time she gets up, what she's asked or told to do and she'll stay and do what it takes to get clean and/or sober.

People who don't want the help usually walk out.

It's all up to her. You have nothing to do with HER recovery. You're just along for the ride. Personally, I think you should buckle up because her wanting to go to the hotel sounds like she's not there yet.

So sorry you're here.

marcmterra

Thank you for your thoughts and your reply Boxin

BoxinRotz

"these people just want our money, they don't care about me, I'm still detoxing and they're not giving me enough meds to keep me comfortable."

Do you really think she's ready? She is QUACKING. She's trying to convince you this is a bad idea. She's trying to protect her addiction. She's waiting for you to come rushing in, guns blazing... You're not taking care of my wife! I'm getting her out of this money sucking hellhole!

It's always a rip off to the addict. They won't give me what I want! Well HELLO...

marcmterra

Well, that's why I'm not rushing in guns a blazin. I was really just asking for support from those whove been there to confirm what I already believe... that tough love is the answer. and although your words are a little callous (to me, someone who's pretty frazzled right now), I read between the lines that you are conveying to me the affirmation which I was seeking. And I thank you

Hammer

Well Thelma, you have a long road ahead of you . . . .








Oh, wait, no you don't.

Regards,

Louise.

dandylion

marcmterra, in my experience (I have worked many years in psych settings and co-ordinated a drug/alcohol program---there is typically lots of complaining and requests to be rescued in the beginning. Some do leave--many do not.

I would advise you to detach from any conversations about the inadequacy of her treatment. Just calmly advise her to take her complaints to the staff (they are used to this). Keep your hands off of her treatment--from now on it has to be between her and the professionals dealing with her. RESIST THE PULL.

While she is in rehab, I would highly suggest that you attend alanon or naranon. You are going to need it for the long haul.

dandylion

Kindeyes

I haven't been in her shoes. I've been in yours. It's extremely difficult to hear them begging to get out. Now you understand the need for the blackout period. It's so that the addict can't appeal to the codependent in their life. They will beg, plead, lie, exaggerate, cry. It's what addicts do. Without meaning to, we can undermine their recovery.....because we love them....because we can't bear to hear how miserable they are. We rescue them......it's what codependents do.

By pulling her out of there for the weekend you send a clear message whether you know it or not. You are telling her clearly that she can't do it. That you don't believe that she can do it. You are telling her she is not capable. And she'll believe you.

My best suggestion is to talk to the staff if you need to and respect their blackout time frame. It's hard not to know what she's doing...how she's doing. But we can't do it for them and our attempts to help can cause more harm than good.

If love could cure addiction, none of us would be here. Unfortunately, it is possible to love an addict to death.

You and your dear wife will be in my prayers. She'll make it through the weekend if YOU believe she can.

gentle hugs
ke

ShootingStar1

Marc, I agree with the counsel you've gotten. The addict has to want this for it to work, and it is between them, their higher power, and the staff at the detox facility.

If you say anything at all when she complains, it might be to paint a scene of what your life together will be when she gets this in control and you both can live much more serenely. Having a vision of why she's doing this may help her get beyond the immediacy of the aggravations of detoxing and having to stay in a detox facility.

But, again, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. It's her deal. You can't solve her problems; you can't make it easier to detox; you don't have to try. It's up to her to commit no matter how hard or uncomfortable she is.

Hang in there, it must be real tough and wear you out to have to handle all you have going on at home. Do what you need to do for yourself and your ids.

We'll be here for you,

ShootingStar1

Dee74

Acting for the FFSA mods I merged this thread from our FFA forum

D

Lily1918

When D decided to leave rehab after only 3 out of 6 months, I tried to get him to stay, he didnt want to so I didnt let him come home. He went and got a place to stay through his mother. I didnt want to enable him leaving, even though I couldnt make him stay.
Hugs. Im sorry youre here.

Carlotta

I went to rehab in 2001 on my own accord (I was single and no one made me do it) and yes I was sleep deprived but I was really motivated to get better so I stayed.
You have to remember that there are all kinds in rehab and some of the patients have a very irresponsible, unhealthy life style (such as partying all night, sleeping all day, not cleaning up their houses etc.) Part of rehab is putting people back on a normal schedule and teaching them to become responsible members of society.
Sleep deprivation is also a mind control technique. Basically when an individual is extremely tired, they are way more responsive to suggestions and in some cases (brain washing) it is used to rewire the through process.I makes sense that a place which is teaching addicts a new way of thinking would want to keep them tired with weakened mental defenses.
One thing which she needs to realize is that she did not get addicted overnight and the first few weeks are going to be physically difficult. It is what it is, quacking and demanding more drugs will only prolong the agony.
If she is serious, she will stay.
If you "rescue" her and take her out you are basically enabling her and sending her the message that you do not take her getting in treatment (therefore her addiction) seriously and that she can get away with it.

allforcnm

I can share from the experience of myself and my husband. He became addicted to pain meds through prescription, also used some other drugs like Xanax. He detoxed before going into rehab also, but he still had symptoms of withdrawal mostly from the benzo’s when he got there.

Like you, we picked one that we felt had a good reputation and I felt comfortable leaving him in their care. To me rehab should be viewed like a hospital, and people should be treated as patients. They should be treated with respect, care, and made as comfortable as possible. With that said, there are different levels of addiction, people are at different stages of illness, so each person I think needs to be handled differently, and each person will have different expectations of what rehab is like, or should be like. i.e: someone who may have been homeless might just be glad to have a bed.

Within a short time he was telling me that the doctors didn’t know what they were doing, and he didn’t like it there, it wasn’t what he needed. He thought he should leave. I considered his feelings and concerns to be quite real. That was how he was feeling, and what he was thinking. Obviously due to coming off the drugs he was not thinking extremely clear. I listened to his concerns, I let him talk it out. Tried to reassure him that the rehab doctors did know what they were doing and it would get easier for him. Reminded him of why he was doing this, for his own health, so he could be the dad he wanted to be, the husband, the professional in his career. At some level he knew it was true. For my husband those were motivators, and also he is the type that once you have a plan you see it through, so I also used that logic. But never did I consider telling him it was ok to leave. I thought it was from the withdrawals, and being scared, being nervous. He was still capable of experiencing emotions.

I also would not be afraid to talk to the staff there, her assigned doctor if there is one (as long as your wife allows this through waiving the privacy issue for you). They should freely tell you of their treatment plan, so you know it is solid. I would not assume all detox, or rehabs are top notch. There are differences in patient : staff ratio, qualifications of staff, to name just a few. It sounds like she is in a good place, and that is why I think they will freely work with you. She may not trust them, but she may trust you if she knows you have her best interest.

My husband was in a 90 day rehab, and about half way through he thought maybe he had had enough and should leave. But again, we agreed to stick to the plan. I mean he had made it half way, why quit now.

I had my nights of worry that he would leave also. I felt better after I had spoke to the doctor because he assured me it was common, and to an extent they know how to handle it. But again, if she really doesn’t want to be there, or is so drug sick she wants to run, no one can stop her.

Im sorry you are going through this, but don’t lose hope. My husbands rehab also offered private therapy to family members, this was a big help to me. I was able to learn about addiction, talk about past experiences, deal with my emotions, plan for the future. And his rehab also had us start marriage counseling about half way through. So after she has been there a bit, do check in and see what they offer for family.

BadCompany

LOL! Isn't that how she got into this mess to begin with?

marcmterra

Thank you all for your kind word of support, advice and encouragement. I am committed to stay the course, not to run in "to the rescue"... Funny thing, my only "hobby" in life (for the past 10 years or so) has been serving as a member of our County Sheriff's Search and Rescue team. So I'm used to running to the rescue so to speak. People are always amazed that our team is led and staffed by volunteers, who pay their own expenses and provide their own equipment...But it all boils down to the fact that as humans, we carry an innate, profound desire to help others in need. And that fact is not lost on me here, where as strangers still you've reached out to me. I thank you all. If more read this thread, please know that I am still so very interested in your stories if you are willing to provide. I will provide details of our progress here and look forward to all that you offer!!
Namaste
m