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10 Months No Contact with AS - So Sad

Old 09-19-2013, 03:44 PM
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10 Months No Contact with AS - So Sad

Last Christmas I went no contact with my addict son. I just couldn't take the lies and abuse. I have been attending Al-Anon for two years and work the steps and have a sponsor. This was entirely for my emotional well-being. Every so often he pops his head up and stirs the pot and gets me all upset thinking this time will be the time that he gets it together. My expectations couldn't be any lower because it has happened so many times and I get disappointed. He spoke to his step-father and finally admitted all his problems, his life is a mess etc. so we offered him rehab and/or counseling. He went to a couple of sessions and then unloaded on us about all the usual quacking...it's your fault - you are trying to control me and so on. I can't talk with him or have a reasonable conversation with someone who is so unreasonable. I accept the fact that he does drugs - just will not tolerate the way he treats us. I resist the urge daily to send him an e-mail and try and sort things out again but I know it will surely be a waste of time. Just wanted to vent and get any advice. Should I stay the course? Thanks in advance.
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Old 09-19-2013, 04:03 PM
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stay the course......and venting is why we're here!
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Old 09-19-2013, 04:11 PM
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If he is living with you, it is probably time to have him move on. It sounds like he is not living there, in which case it might be good to talk to him about life in general and leave his addiction and recovery up to him.

I found that my relationship with my own addicted son was much better when I stopped hounding him or making him feel guilty for upsetting me so much. He knows where recovery can be found and he will find it when he is ready.

Let me just clarify that before all of the above, I spent about 10 years crying, begging, pleading, manipulating, arguing and trying to talk sense to my son. I let him live at home so many times when he was trying and then it would always end badly when he relapsed.

It was only when I found my own recovery and learned to detach from his situation, that I could find peace and live life well. Today I say a prayer each morning and ask God to take care of my son, then I live my life in peace, knowing I have done all I can.

I'm glad you found us and hope your son finds a good path soon.

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Old 09-19-2013, 05:28 PM
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Thanks for your replies all. No, he doesn't live with me. Never again will I live with an active addict or alcoholic. Been there, done that. He is 21 and living with his father who enables him entirely. I did at one point beg, plead and cry and since being in Al-Anon realize how futile that behavior was. He mainly has 3 tools in his tool-bag: the drugs, anger, and hiding. He avoids me at all cost I believe due to the shame and guilt of his behaviors. He approached us and asked for help, wanting counseling for his problems and agreed to family counseling as well. He went twice and apparently was "cured". Then the floodgates opened with blame, not accepting responsibility and saying a mother should love unconditionally. I love him - just refuse to be a part of a relationship that is so hurtful and destructive while he is active. I have made my amends to him in a letter and he called it petty. I have no desire to control him whatsoever, but I can control myself and my behaviors and reactions - so I got of the rollercoaster. I have come so far in my recovery - just feel completely hopeless that we have zero communication and it will be like this forever....or at least until he finds his own recovery and can think straight. Thanks again, everyone. I shall stay the course.
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Old 09-19-2013, 05:47 PM
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It's sad but we really do have to let go and just pray and hope they find recovery on their own.

My son has been missing, lost in his addiction somewhere for 9 years now. He knows how to find us when he finds recovery. People ask why I don't search for him. My answer is that when I find him, then what? I did the search thing for years before all this. It never changed him and almost killed me.

Like you, I found my 12-step program, for me it was CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and went for 10 years until we moved north. I occasionally attend Al-anon up here, but am grateful for the foundation of recovery working those 12 steps gave me.

You sound strong in your recovery too. That will see you through a lot of rough days.

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Old 09-19-2013, 05:55 PM
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I would stay in the course. I haven't heard from my xah since 2012...almost a year. When his son told me how much we missed him, I thought about trying to find him, but realized this wasn't a good idea. He was so extremely difficult to deal with. It was painful. He is more than welcome back into our lives when he is sober and attempting recovery. Until then I can't handle it.
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Old 09-19-2013, 07:07 PM
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Wow Stevie. Another mom here...whose story is so similar to yours it's scary. But how can it be because my situation is so unique!??! (Just jokes!!) Like you, I have felt such tremendous growth this past year. This site and al-anon have provided such comfort and understanding. I feel like myself again. I've been struggling a bit recently coming up on a year of very little contact with my son. I had to let go of my end of the rope. There's no doubt in my mind I was going down with him. My son has had periods of sobriety so I know he knows where to turn when he is ready. I also hear about things he posts on Facebook through other family members. They don't tell me everything but if he sounds like he may be at a turning point they do. Problem is...He uses it to garner sympathy but I don't believe has any real intention of stopping just yet. If ever. I have learned from these postings that he still has a very solid group of recovered addicts telling him they'll help him however they can when he's ready for recovery...but they are very direct with him which I appreciate. This serves as a good reminder to me that I am not his only option. I'm so glad you reached out here. You sound like you have some good recovery under your belt. For parents there are additional facets to this journey. Loving detachment takes an iron will at times. Some days are definitely better than others. Welcome...I hope you find as much support here as I have.
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Old 09-19-2013, 07:14 PM
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Hi Steviepdx, Thank you for your message and everyone for the responses. I have a 21 yo pot addicted son who I had to evict from our home in February. He is still living on his own with little sign that he wants recovery. I am still early in my recovery, and am trying to let go little by little. I stay in touch with him (and try to see him once a week). I am not really keen on "no contact" as our intention was to protect the family from his addiction not to punish him.
While I have been asking him to get into some treatment (in patient of or outpatient) he has not been cooperative. I have been thinking that I should just drop the subject and just let him be (as Ann has suggested above). I think its clear the best thing we can do is to focus on our recovery not theirs.
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Old 09-19-2013, 07:18 PM
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Dear SteviePDX, Your story of your AS sound just like what I am going thru, but to a shorter degree. We only found out about our addicted daughters (19 & 22), DOC is/was oxy and heroin. This was confirmed in July. Does the pain, worry guilt and blame ever ease up some? The tears are real and flow down my face every single day. I know about the 3 C's, however I feel an overwhelming urge to fix the girls, to be my babies again, to live life without this crazy disease of addiction. One girl is in IOP therapy, we were able to "save" or reach her as she hit the rock bottom in her life. This therapy might work, only she and time and her desire to be sober will give us her answer. As a mom, I feel like many do at first, a failure, a pathetic example of a mom (their words and words hurt) but do feel like a failure. I have never felt this horrible about something or someone ever. I have let go twice now, but I came back to "rescue" them both times. I ask God for advise and help, his answer is always yes, no or maybe. This cracks my faith, but it's still there. Lately I have been getting late night texts that are just blame crazy jibberish from the older one, they go on and on I plead (take the bait) with her that no one is talking about her, etc. I finally just turn my phone off. The younger one lives with me and my 14 yr old son. She is past the honeymoon stage and now seems angry and wants to be alone all the time. The only time we can talk is when I drive her to her daily therapy appts., she has lost her drivers license too. My husband is useless, or blaming me, and doesn't live with me. On top of all this I am a retired nurse and never saw the signs or the addiction creating into our lives. Sorry I'm ranting again, I tend to do that. So I am assuming this will go on forever? Even when they desire sobriety, addiction is always lurking around, waiting for its chance to get its way and worm back into our family. I just want some normalcy to return, just for a day. I need my children, my gifts from God. I go on and on. At least they are alive, but I feel dead. My hope is low, my heart is crushed. Anyone who reads this, hug your children before drugs and ETOH do. I will try to be positive, ignore other people from judging me, and gently remind the friends I do have left, that hurting people hurts people. SR doesn't judge, it educates and pushes the sanity back into my brain, thank you SR for being there for me when the rest of the world abandoned me. A big gentle hug to you SteviePDX, I feel your pain and also see your hope that I will cling to. TF
We did have a no contact police order with the girls that lasted about a month, a very long sad month, an unexpected suicide attempt by the younger girl put an end to that. No contact does work for some and it sounds like its saving your sanity do what you think will be right, listen to your head, the heart seems so soft...
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Old 09-19-2013, 07:42 PM
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@ Pravchaw...I totally agree with you. I put boundaries in place to protect myself not to punish my son. I could no longer trust myself to see things with any measure of clarity. I had become so desperate in my attempts to rescue him that I didn't resemble myself in any fashion. I was so filled with fear that I couldn't even sleep because I had convinced myself I would sleep through the phone ringing or the police at the door...it was sheer chaos...and I recognize now a lot of it was self created.

I do hear from my son about once a month. I always tell him I love him...that I believe in him. He knows he has a standing offer of rehab. I just don't want a front row seat anymore to all the daily drama. Especially when he's unwilling to take any steps to help himself. I hand him over to his higher power each night and again in the morning. I ask God to help him learn the lessons he needs to live a full productive life. And I always ask that he put the right people in my son's path. That's all I can do for him. But there's a lot I can do for myself and my own measure of serenity.
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Old 09-19-2013, 08:45 PM
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Thanks so much everyone for your experience, strength and hope. I want to especially thank Ann whose story I have followed since I signed up here about a hear ago. Many thanks for your wisdom and patience with newcomers and how clearly we can all see your recovery shining through with all your support on these boards.
Every day I ask my Higher Power to keep my son safe. Pravchaw - guess what - my son's DOC is weed. All day, every day as much as possible. I get sick of the media and society saying that weed is a natural plant and you cannot possibly be addicted to it. It has destroyed my family on two separate occasions (divorced my ex-husband over it and now with my son). He knows we love him and he also knows the only thing we are willing to do for him is rehab or counseling. Going no contact with him was not meant as a punishment towards him. I myself hit my emotional bottom last Christmas. The family disease of addiction nearly destroyed me and my family. He has no concept in my opinion how this has affected us all as he is in such denial. I was forced to make the choice for my own emotional sanity. I try every day to separate the addict from the addiction and love and accept him for who he is today and not wish for the days of old when I could laugh and communicate with him and not feel bullied and walking on eggshells if I told him how I felt. I struggle all the time with what Al-Anon teaches us - which is to leave the past in the past and yet not to tolerate the intolerable. I have worked hard on my recovery - have learned to Let go and Let God and must trust in the fact that as long as he is still breathing there is hope. I believe addiction is addiction no matter the substance. My son is chronologically 21 years old, but has the maturity of a 13 year old. Anger and laying the blame at my feet because it's easier for him to sleep at night and the hurtful things he says to me - logically I know it's the addiction talking - I just wish sometimes I could tell that to my heart. Thinking good thoughts for all our loved ones suffering from this horrible illness - and one day at a time - sometimes one minute at a time for everyone else.
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Old 09-20-2013, 06:10 AM
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Hello SteviePDX: Another mom of an AS here. Some years back I told my son he was no longer welcome in my home or in my life until he addressed his root problem. Other than that, I had nothing to offer him. But if he were to choose to get help, I would support him in any way I could.

For several years after that, he would answer the phone whenever I called and would occasionally call me just to touch base and say hello. Sometimes I would meet him and buy him lunch. But in the last year - nothing. He is very angry at me, very hurt, and that much deeper into the problems associated with his drug/alcohol use.

So what I do now is I will once in a while (every couple of months) put a message on his phone just saying I love him and miss him. That's it. If I have his address, I might say that in a card. That's it. I had talked to a counselor (a recovering addict) who encouraged me that my son still needs very much right now to know that he is loved, especially by me, his mom. My son never responds to these messages, but I still feel better having done it. And I am hopeful that those messages go to a place in my son's soul that addiction cannot touch.

Just my way of dealing with it. Hope that helps.
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Old 09-20-2013, 10:07 AM
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Hi there SteviePDX
One more Mom here chiming in to welcome you.

You sound well grounded in recovery and that is a huge blessing.

My son's addiction started at the age of 14. He went to his first outpatient at 16. In patient 24. Out patient 24. In patient 29. Long term In patient 31. He is now 32 and is now 10 months clean (to the best of my knowledge). Sometimes it takes time for them to find sobriety. It seemed like an eternity to me. I had lost hope in so many ways but I also found my own serenity long before he got clean.

I'm glad you're here. And glad that you are attending Al-Anon meetings. Nar-Anon has a strong presence in the Pacific Northwest....you might check those out as well!

Letting go and letting God is very hard but it wasn't as tough on me as being dragged through it was.

Keep taking care of you.

gentle hugs
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Old 09-20-2013, 11:52 AM
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I think many of us have reached the point, through trial and error, we can let go of our adult children to seek their destiny, with our love and compassion. I offer the following reading from famanon, which resonates with me and I am sure with all of you,
My role as helper is not to do things for the person I am trying to help, but to be things; not trying to control and change his actions, but through understanding and awareness to change my reactions. I will change my negatives to positives; fear to faith; contempt for what he may do to respect for the potential within him or her; hostility to understanding; and manipulation or over-protectiveness to release with love, not trying to make him fit a standard or image, but giving him an opportunity to pursue his own destiny, regardless of what that choice may be.

I will change my dominance to encouragement; panic to serenity; the inertia of despair to the energy of my own personal growth; and self-justification to self-understanding.

Self-pity blocks effective action. The more I indulge in it, the more I feel that the answer to my problems is a change in others and in society, not in myself. Thus, I become a hopeless case.

Exhaustion is the result when I use my energy in mulling over the past with regret, or in trying to figure ways to escape a future that has yet to arrive. Projecting an image of the future and anxiously hovering over it, for fear that it will or it won’t come true, uses all of my energy and leaves me unable to live today. Yet living today is the only way to have a life.

I will have no thought for the future actions of others, neither expecting them to be better or worse as time goes on, for in such expectations I am really trying to create. I will love and let be.

All people are always changing. If I try to judge them I do so only on what I think I know of them, failing to realize that there is much I do not know. I will give others credit for attempts at progress and for having had many victories which are unknown to me.

I too am always changing, and I can make that change a constructive one, if I am willing. I CAN CHANGE MYSELF, others I can only love.
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Old 09-21-2013, 07:34 PM
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Helllo dear, another mom weighing in. My son was into heroin and meth and spent the better part of the last two years in jail or rehab. I was at my complete wits end as to how to speak to him to try and "remind" him of who he was. This second round of rehab/jail is now at the 9 month mark and somehow things have changed. one thing I have always done is be there for visits and for reminders to him of who I am. I understand it is different when your child is on the loose out there, we went five months with no contact! I would suggest not changing your offer of support for rehab, but do not engage in further contact that is detrimental to your recovery..
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