KeepinItReal

We had a breakthrough cry last night. My daughter, being 7, finally cried... really cried about the her father going to jail.. having to leave... being sick.
She really misses him. She was crying "it's all my fault"!!
I have told her maybe 100+ times it isn't. So.. she tells me.. "i know it's my fault because i was mean to him", "because I threw a book at his head and he got mad at me". I assured her that this ISN'T TRUE. Just another example of how kids.. will blame themselves for EVERYTHING. I told her he's in jail because he broke the law, because he's sick, because he made poor choices and is addicted to illegal drugs. Explaining they are illegal because it makes people do horrible things. She's still trying to understand this.. which is why therapy for both of us is in order.
Mind you - to make myself feel better - I waited the 1 year - after I found out he was using - I went through the counseling and outpatient program with him. I'm admitting i'm codependent... and still wanting my family to some how work through this. We're talking about financial abuse and chaos.. due to his addiction. Me not cutting the relationship off 3 years ago when I found out about the Heroin use... No, of course I didn't. I found the best way to HELP HIM. Yes, I read and didn't let him live with me and tried to "do all the right things". I have supported him through his recovery more than a normal person would do. I paid off his tickets so he could get his license back. I paid back owed child support so he could get his license back. He was able to work, hold a job.. and then BOOM... starts being successful and relapses. That time I had no idea.. it was kept a huge secret until a few days before he entered treatment. 30 days of rehab.. of course it wasn't enough.. but it seemed to work... and he had outpatient.... 6 months later... then I NEED SUBOXONE. ... then he sold them.. didn't take them correctly.. and full blown relapse. Now he's out, in jail so there won't be any more court mandated outpatient program.
Am I crazy for supporting him through another 14 months of a program?? Of course if he doesn't finish or doesn't go i'm not letting him come home. He seems that he will do anything to not relapse again. He tears up every time I see him.. being careful not to let anyone see him. I really believe him.. that he wants to go to treatment. He know's i'm serious about not letting him move back home without an intensive treatment (1+ years).
My daughter really wants to see him and confront him about a few things.. so i'm allowing a one time visit to see how it goes. I think for some full detachment works.. but this is her 1 and only father. I don't want to deny her wishes when she clearly needs to speak to him.
Ok - don't be too rough on me.

KeepinItReal

I guess I feel guilty for trying to make my family work.. but also know that I was honestly trying my best.
If he was trying his best, only God knows.
Now, i'm leaving his recovery and my own in Gods arms....

Ann

I think you are wise to seek out counseling for your daughter and yourself. This is very hard on both of you and it's important that you can each speak openly and honestly about how your feel. She will have questions and not all the questions will have good answers.

Just take care of yourself and your daughter and the rest will take care of itself, one way or the other.

Hugs

Kindeyes

Ditto what Ann said because I couldn't have said it any better.

Take care of you and that little girl first. He's a grown man.....ultimately, he can take care of himself.

gentle hugs
ke