Why can't I let him go?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 10
Why can't I let him go?
I screwed up... I need help. I don't even know how to trust my instincts anymore.
I met a man 6 months ago online. Non-smoker. Doesn't drink. He was incredibly handsome and when we first started communicating it was fun, sassy, overflowing with chemistry. But it felt like he was moving fast. From the first conversation, I was "baby" and we spent hours talking. I felt like he was moving so fast.
From then on he started texting and calling all day every day. I was getting nightmares, which usually only happens when my subconscious tells me danger.
I tell him about the nightmares and he admits he's an ex-con. I do my homework and am a little nervous because of his crimes- firearms and drug possession, theft, news stories of his colorful criminal past. This is a little overwhelming for the little sheltered church girl.
I decide to not hold his past against him. We go out. He pushes my physical intimacy boundaries. I find out he's still on parole. These should be further red flags. I tentatively move further.
The contact dies down a bit. But we go out a lot more and things get more physical. I push back. I beg him to protect my virtue; he tells me he wants it. He eventually gets it, albeit reluctantly. Another red flag.
I start to notice how often he drinks and how much. He cancels plans because he's drunk. I wonder if he's sleeping with other women. He "promises" me he's not. We start fighting. It gets ugly. He shuts down. I stop fighting his sexual advances because it means fewer fights. I start to enjoy it even, but I am filled with shame and guilt each time.
I break up and he wants to stay friends. I say no, but I come back. I have an std scare, but he promises me there is no one else. No stds. We have a series of these breakups and a series of promises that he's not sleeping with anyone. I start to fear he is an alcoholic. We have more horrible fights.
By the beginning of month three he decides I am "the one". This compels him to tell me the truth about the other women he has slept with unprotected while sleeping with me. I am horrified. This is the big red banner!!! We break up and he comes back to me in tears. And I take him back. Lord help me I don't know why I can't let him go!
His meth addict of a roommate starts giving him pain pills from a surgery. This sparks a search of my cabinets for pain pills on every visit. An athlete, I suffer a concussion. The ER prescribes me pain pills even though I personally hate them. I ask him to come take care of me. He begs me to drive an hour to him in my condition, but he will take care of me there. I believe that he is until he insists we fill out my prescription "just in case". He begs for my pills for his back issues. Why do I start to notice how jacked up his teeth are at this point? We get into a fight and my head is pounding. I don't want to give him my pills. He yells at me. Starts treating me badly. Tells me I am ruining everything. We are both in pain; why am I so selfish? I think I can maintain control if I give him a single pill from my bottle of 24.
By the next day I notice I only have 8. Over the course of the night and next morning he had taken 15. He begs me for more and its more fighting. More uncomfortable nights in bed. A number of times during the course of the relationship, he will kick me out of bed early in the morning. We get into horrible, explosive fights because I can't take it anymore. I end things. I come back. He begs me to get pills from a friend. I come back. I don't trust him. I come back. He goes to Urgent Care to start getting his own pills. I come back. He's withdrawing and treats me like **** and I try to be more patient. He was supposed to take me out for my birthday and then he breaks up with me the night before. We make up and he tries to get me to go to Urgent Care and use my insurance to get pills. I refuse. He cancels plans with me the night of my birthday. He's a total dbag to me on my birthday. Calls late at night and we cry about how my day was ruined and he promises to make it up to me the next day. And of course he gets more pills to be able to do it.
He leaves a few days later for a month. This is the only way he can get off parole. He promises me he will go to NA and AA so he can come back clean for me. At first he wants me to visit him then decides its best I don't go because he doesn't want me to see him detox. Two weeks go by and he's a jerk. All of a sudden we are back to bliss and in love. We say the words. I'm ecstatic to have him return to me whole.
I only find out he started taking pills again after 2 weeks. But he is going to use them to wean off. Idiot doctors gave the man 400 frickin' pills. He also admits to taking heroin when he couldn't take the pills. By the way, I also find out during the course of all this that my non-smoker is a chewing tobacco man and e-cig smoker; my non-drinker is now an alcoholic not to mention gambler and pain pill addict and heroin user (albeit only twice).
I feel lost. These are all the cues for me to leave, but I know how great his pain is. He promises me he'll go to a meeting.He breaks up with me and I should be overjoyed, but I am the one who gets him to take me back now. He's reluctant to meet my friends and family, but we are at least doing better. We're not fighting. I decide to trust him. Our nights together are blissful. Sex is always passionate (and a little less riddled with guilt). He asks to borrow $200 from my 401k. I won't give him anything. Please know he buys me things all the time. All our meals, gifts, gas- he takes care of me. He also buys me lots of alcohol. I gain 30 lbs. I beg him to not coerce me to drink anymore. I'm not much of a drinker. I don't do anything... and all of a sudden I'm drinking, having sex, missing work, canceling plans with friends... and the latest, smoking pot. I want to end things. I know I have to. I can't.
He finally breaks up with me because he hates himself more and more for taking away all the things about me he loved. He knows he doesn't deserve me and that he is destroying me. The break up is horrible. Violent. This should be the end.
It has been two weeks since we broke up. We hadn't spoken. I went back to church, and worked on my friendships and my toxic work environment. I so desperately missed him and cried over him every day. If I ever wanted to call, I would read about the dangers of dating an addict to remind me this was for the best. My friends and family were scared for me. They begged me to stay away.
I wrote him a goodbye letter this morning. I apologized for my mistakes and begged him to get help. I wanted him to know I believed in the best of him. He wrote back telling me how much he missed me. And tonight we spent an hour texting. His life has been miserable as expected. He misses me. Feels empty without me. I long to be near him. But I hate that I reconnected. I love him, but I know his temper and insecurities were unpredictable. We both know I deserve happiness, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to just hold him.
Why do I feel like this path lined with red flags is the only way to go?! I know there's another way... why can't I do it?! Why can't I let him go?!
I met a man 6 months ago online. Non-smoker. Doesn't drink. He was incredibly handsome and when we first started communicating it was fun, sassy, overflowing with chemistry. But it felt like he was moving fast. From the first conversation, I was "baby" and we spent hours talking. I felt like he was moving so fast.
From then on he started texting and calling all day every day. I was getting nightmares, which usually only happens when my subconscious tells me danger.
I tell him about the nightmares and he admits he's an ex-con. I do my homework and am a little nervous because of his crimes- firearms and drug possession, theft, news stories of his colorful criminal past. This is a little overwhelming for the little sheltered church girl.
I decide to not hold his past against him. We go out. He pushes my physical intimacy boundaries. I find out he's still on parole. These should be further red flags. I tentatively move further.
The contact dies down a bit. But we go out a lot more and things get more physical. I push back. I beg him to protect my virtue; he tells me he wants it. He eventually gets it, albeit reluctantly. Another red flag.
I start to notice how often he drinks and how much. He cancels plans because he's drunk. I wonder if he's sleeping with other women. He "promises" me he's not. We start fighting. It gets ugly. He shuts down. I stop fighting his sexual advances because it means fewer fights. I start to enjoy it even, but I am filled with shame and guilt each time.
I break up and he wants to stay friends. I say no, but I come back. I have an std scare, but he promises me there is no one else. No stds. We have a series of these breakups and a series of promises that he's not sleeping with anyone. I start to fear he is an alcoholic. We have more horrible fights.
By the beginning of month three he decides I am "the one". This compels him to tell me the truth about the other women he has slept with unprotected while sleeping with me. I am horrified. This is the big red banner!!! We break up and he comes back to me in tears. And I take him back. Lord help me I don't know why I can't let him go!
His meth addict of a roommate starts giving him pain pills from a surgery. This sparks a search of my cabinets for pain pills on every visit. An athlete, I suffer a concussion. The ER prescribes me pain pills even though I personally hate them. I ask him to come take care of me. He begs me to drive an hour to him in my condition, but he will take care of me there. I believe that he is until he insists we fill out my prescription "just in case". He begs for my pills for his back issues. Why do I start to notice how jacked up his teeth are at this point? We get into a fight and my head is pounding. I don't want to give him my pills. He yells at me. Starts treating me badly. Tells me I am ruining everything. We are both in pain; why am I so selfish? I think I can maintain control if I give him a single pill from my bottle of 24.
By the next day I notice I only have 8. Over the course of the night and next morning he had taken 15. He begs me for more and its more fighting. More uncomfortable nights in bed. A number of times during the course of the relationship, he will kick me out of bed early in the morning. We get into horrible, explosive fights because I can't take it anymore. I end things. I come back. He begs me to get pills from a friend. I come back. I don't trust him. I come back. He goes to Urgent Care to start getting his own pills. I come back. He's withdrawing and treats me like **** and I try to be more patient. He was supposed to take me out for my birthday and then he breaks up with me the night before. We make up and he tries to get me to go to Urgent Care and use my insurance to get pills. I refuse. He cancels plans with me the night of my birthday. He's a total dbag to me on my birthday. Calls late at night and we cry about how my day was ruined and he promises to make it up to me the next day. And of course he gets more pills to be able to do it.
He leaves a few days later for a month. This is the only way he can get off parole. He promises me he will go to NA and AA so he can come back clean for me. At first he wants me to visit him then decides its best I don't go because he doesn't want me to see him detox. Two weeks go by and he's a jerk. All of a sudden we are back to bliss and in love. We say the words. I'm ecstatic to have him return to me whole.
I only find out he started taking pills again after 2 weeks. But he is going to use them to wean off. Idiot doctors gave the man 400 frickin' pills. He also admits to taking heroin when he couldn't take the pills. By the way, I also find out during the course of all this that my non-smoker is a chewing tobacco man and e-cig smoker; my non-drinker is now an alcoholic not to mention gambler and pain pill addict and heroin user (albeit only twice).
I feel lost. These are all the cues for me to leave, but I know how great his pain is. He promises me he'll go to a meeting.He breaks up with me and I should be overjoyed, but I am the one who gets him to take me back now. He's reluctant to meet my friends and family, but we are at least doing better. We're not fighting. I decide to trust him. Our nights together are blissful. Sex is always passionate (and a little less riddled with guilt). He asks to borrow $200 from my 401k. I won't give him anything. Please know he buys me things all the time. All our meals, gifts, gas- he takes care of me. He also buys me lots of alcohol. I gain 30 lbs. I beg him to not coerce me to drink anymore. I'm not much of a drinker. I don't do anything... and all of a sudden I'm drinking, having sex, missing work, canceling plans with friends... and the latest, smoking pot. I want to end things. I know I have to. I can't.
He finally breaks up with me because he hates himself more and more for taking away all the things about me he loved. He knows he doesn't deserve me and that he is destroying me. The break up is horrible. Violent. This should be the end.
It has been two weeks since we broke up. We hadn't spoken. I went back to church, and worked on my friendships and my toxic work environment. I so desperately missed him and cried over him every day. If I ever wanted to call, I would read about the dangers of dating an addict to remind me this was for the best. My friends and family were scared for me. They begged me to stay away.
I wrote him a goodbye letter this morning. I apologized for my mistakes and begged him to get help. I wanted him to know I believed in the best of him. He wrote back telling me how much he missed me. And tonight we spent an hour texting. His life has been miserable as expected. He misses me. Feels empty without me. I long to be near him. But I hate that I reconnected. I love him, but I know his temper and insecurities were unpredictable. We both know I deserve happiness, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to just hold him.
Why do I feel like this path lined with red flags is the only way to go?! I know there's another way... why can't I do it?! Why can't I let him go?!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
"Traumatic bonding" is an excellent first item to load into a search engine.
There is nothing wrong with you but I think everyone on SR would agree
that this is a very dangerous path. Make certain you have a (fast) way out.
Transportation/shelter/money. Do not take a single penny out of your 401K,
this is NOT what it's for. If I may be so bold---this is not love, this is control.
Cynical One posted a phenomenal piece---please take time to read it!:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...um-addict.html
>>>>>My friends and family were scared for me. They begged me to stay away<<<<<<
Your family & friends are wise, please listen to them.
There is nothing wrong with you but I think everyone on SR would agree
that this is a very dangerous path. Make certain you have a (fast) way out.
Transportation/shelter/money. Do not take a single penny out of your 401K,
this is NOT what it's for. If I may be so bold---this is not love, this is control.
Cynical One posted a phenomenal piece---please take time to read it!:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...um-addict.html
>>>>>My friends and family were scared for me. They begged me to stay away<<<<<<
Your family & friends are wise, please listen to them.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
He does what manipulative active addicts do, he knows the right words and how to control you.
The good news is that you are well aware that there is something terribly wrong when you continue on a path lines with red flags. With love in my heart I say...the problem is within you and you need to step way back to stay safe and perhaps seek counseling to figure out why you choose a path of abuse and pain.
You are worth so much better than any of this. Surround yourself with family and safe friends and please start working on some kind of plan to get help for yourself.
The path of red flags is dangerous and the warnings are clear. Please detour and find a path of friendship and caring people who can help you figure out why you are attracted to someone who treats you terribly and who is a threat to your safety.
There is help for you, please reach out and ask for it.
Hugs
The good news is that you are well aware that there is something terribly wrong when you continue on a path lines with red flags. With love in my heart I say...the problem is within you and you need to step way back to stay safe and perhaps seek counseling to figure out why you choose a path of abuse and pain.
You are worth so much better than any of this. Surround yourself with family and safe friends and please start working on some kind of plan to get help for yourself.
The path of red flags is dangerous and the warnings are clear. Please detour and find a path of friendship and caring people who can help you figure out why you are attracted to someone who treats you terribly and who is a threat to your safety.
There is help for you, please reach out and ask for it.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I dont know why you cant let him go, but from my outside perspective, this does not sound like a healthy relationship. You sound like a sweet person with very high morals and standards, and I think he has been taking advantage of you. Not that there isnt real feelings there from him at some level, but he sounds very unwell, needs to do a lot of work on himself before he can give a lady what she needs and deserves.
I have had some hard breakups in the past. But deep inside I knew there were valid reasons for letting go of the relationship, the person. I think you hear that little voice inside yourself right now. Listen to it. Some people enter our lives only for a short period of time, I think they come for a purpose, maybe to teach us something, help us learn about ourselves. It sounds like this is the case with this man. The mistake happens when we dont see its time to let it go. Probably your at that place right now.
I have had some hard breakups in the past. But deep inside I knew there were valid reasons for letting go of the relationship, the person. I think you hear that little voice inside yourself right now. Listen to it. Some people enter our lives only for a short period of time, I think they come for a purpose, maybe to teach us something, help us learn about ourselves. It sounds like this is the case with this man. The mistake happens when we dont see its time to let it go. Probably your at that place right now.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Why can't I let him go?!
I wanted him to know I believed in the best of him. He wrote back telling me how much he missed me. And tonight we spent an hour texting. His life has been miserable as expected. He misses me. Feels empty without me. I long to be near him.
Sex is always passionate
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
>>>>>By the beginning of month three he decides I am "the one". <<<<<
I'll tell you who THE ONE is. The one who treats you with dignity and respect,
who treasures you and does everything in his power to keep harm AWAY from
you....not ensure it's proximity TO you.
I'll share with you some (slightly off-color) advice given to
a daughter by an old Dad, to whit:
"They ALL want to fix your tail, find one that wants to fix your TEETH."
I'll tell you who THE ONE is. The one who treats you with dignity and respect,
who treasures you and does everything in his power to keep harm AWAY from
you....not ensure it's proximity TO you.
I'll share with you some (slightly off-color) advice given to
a daughter by an old Dad, to whit:
"They ALL want to fix your tail, find one that wants to fix your TEETH."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Of course I can freely say- please run for your life, smash the rearview mirror, burn all traces of him, and take care of yourself. This reeks of danger. And I am aware that it is not that simple.
At the same time, it is that simple. I am going to sound like a broken record when I say, please read others posts on this forum who have solid recovery. I am still wavering, however, I have a lot of time and distance between me and my AXBF.
Just to share a bit of my experience in relationship to your experience- here is something eye opening my therapist pointed out to me. She noticed I am doing great and moving forward in all other areas of my life except for intimate relationships with men. Particulary about being hung up on my AXBF.
She asked me if there was someone in my past that reminded me of my AXBF. Without getting into details about my story- what is it you are trying to heal in yourself by trying to save this sorry excuse for a man (sorry- that was judgmental)?
I fell into the same trap. Knowing alone that he was a dangerous narcissist, a heroin addict, and a criminal was not enough to deter me. When he cheated on me three months into the relationship- I panicked, thought I was crazy, and my attachment to him strengthened. That is part of the "trauma bond" as Vale mentioned is worth researching.
FYI_ dangerous men are attracted to empathic and overly empathetic women, and vice versa. A fact about myself I am working on changing before I ever consider dating again. The pieces of the puzzle fit with these two archetypes.
While, I do not want to relinquish my sensitive qualities- my lesson in all of this has been to learn to set boundaries and to say F*** You to my AXBF. I know that sounds mean- but for me at this point, it's about life preservation and living life to my full potential, and not trying to change/save/fix anyone else except myself.
You have all of the signs, all of the flags, all of the warning, all the information you need. So now is the time to make a plan of action. Please keep coming back to SR and please keep yourself safe and as far away as possible from him. It will hurt like hell for a little while, but it will pass. Sending prayers.
At the same time, it is that simple. I am going to sound like a broken record when I say, please read others posts on this forum who have solid recovery. I am still wavering, however, I have a lot of time and distance between me and my AXBF.
Just to share a bit of my experience in relationship to your experience- here is something eye opening my therapist pointed out to me. She noticed I am doing great and moving forward in all other areas of my life except for intimate relationships with men. Particulary about being hung up on my AXBF.
She asked me if there was someone in my past that reminded me of my AXBF. Without getting into details about my story- what is it you are trying to heal in yourself by trying to save this sorry excuse for a man (sorry- that was judgmental)?
I fell into the same trap. Knowing alone that he was a dangerous narcissist, a heroin addict, and a criminal was not enough to deter me. When he cheated on me three months into the relationship- I panicked, thought I was crazy, and my attachment to him strengthened. That is part of the "trauma bond" as Vale mentioned is worth researching.
FYI_ dangerous men are attracted to empathic and overly empathetic women, and vice versa. A fact about myself I am working on changing before I ever consider dating again. The pieces of the puzzle fit with these two archetypes.
While, I do not want to relinquish my sensitive qualities- my lesson in all of this has been to learn to set boundaries and to say F*** You to my AXBF. I know that sounds mean- but for me at this point, it's about life preservation and living life to my full potential, and not trying to change/save/fix anyone else except myself.
You have all of the signs, all of the flags, all of the warning, all the information you need. So now is the time to make a plan of action. Please keep coming back to SR and please keep yourself safe and as far away as possible from him. It will hurt like hell for a little while, but it will pass. Sending prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 10
As it stands
Thank you everyone for your support. This is all so very new to me. I did google "traumatic bonding" and it was an eye opener, Vale.
I guess what makes things confusing and somewhat unlike a lot of what I had read so far is that he was the one who broke up with me. He didn't chase me back even though he missed me. I opened the lines with my apology. He hated himself because he felt he didn't deserve me and that he was ruining my life. He ultimately wanted to protect me from himself. Today he's happy to see I'm getting my "light" back and getting healthy. He's happy to just have me in his life (which I don't think I could ultimately carry on forever) and it makes it easier for me, too.
Trust me, I'm not a total pushover. He got a feisty/nearly bat**** crazy side of me that scared the crap out of him. I was probably more spiteful than he was. I know I am taking on a lot of the blame now, but I assure you I was not perfect and I also know that he and his addictions are ultimately toxic for me.
We have been texting today. Far less than before. He admits to missing and pining for me, but he has not asked to see me. I have been very clear that we must keep our distance lest we destroy each other. He doesn't push it. He hasn't asked for money. It's been friendly. Purely platonic. Moments of regret and missing each other, but an acceptance that this is the best thing for us. He hated how much he hurt me. He wouldn't jeopardize that again.
I know it's only been a little over 24 hours since we communicated again, but I feel like we can keep our distance and fade out of each others' lives. It's been nearly 3 weeks since we have seen each other. It hurts considerably less. But, I imagine I can be delusional.
I am in therapy, don't worry. We talked today about how my work environment is so toxic that he seems like the lesser evil. My boss bullies the staff daily. No praise, all criticism and yelling. Maybe this is why I could withstand my relationship for so long.
Today I'm not super sad or longing to be with him.
Is ambivalence a stage of grieving?
I guess what makes things confusing and somewhat unlike a lot of what I had read so far is that he was the one who broke up with me. He didn't chase me back even though he missed me. I opened the lines with my apology. He hated himself because he felt he didn't deserve me and that he was ruining my life. He ultimately wanted to protect me from himself. Today he's happy to see I'm getting my "light" back and getting healthy. He's happy to just have me in his life (which I don't think I could ultimately carry on forever) and it makes it easier for me, too.
Trust me, I'm not a total pushover. He got a feisty/nearly bat**** crazy side of me that scared the crap out of him. I was probably more spiteful than he was. I know I am taking on a lot of the blame now, but I assure you I was not perfect and I also know that he and his addictions are ultimately toxic for me.
We have been texting today. Far less than before. He admits to missing and pining for me, but he has not asked to see me. I have been very clear that we must keep our distance lest we destroy each other. He doesn't push it. He hasn't asked for money. It's been friendly. Purely platonic. Moments of regret and missing each other, but an acceptance that this is the best thing for us. He hated how much he hurt me. He wouldn't jeopardize that again.
I know it's only been a little over 24 hours since we communicated again, but I feel like we can keep our distance and fade out of each others' lives. It's been nearly 3 weeks since we have seen each other. It hurts considerably less. But, I imagine I can be delusional.
I am in therapy, don't worry. We talked today about how my work environment is so toxic that he seems like the lesser evil. My boss bullies the staff daily. No praise, all criticism and yelling. Maybe this is why I could withstand my relationship for so long.
Today I'm not super sad or longing to be with him.
Is ambivalence a stage of grieving?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Tread lightly in this ambivalent stage. Please others, help out here. Maybe I am wrong- but when I was feeling ambivalent it was usually because I was "numbed out" or in denial. Even trying to remain "friends" can be toxic. If you need to let it fade out, okay. Whatever works best for you is most important. Everyone has a different approach, and mine was a very slow torture of ripping off the band-aid. When they end it, it is confusing. But it can also be a manipulative tactic. In my case, every time he "ended" it, it was because he wanted to be with drugs uninterrupted and unopposed. It is hard to lose what you really never had. That was my lesson at least. How could we break up when the only true love he ever had was heroin and himself. Just saying. Anyway, you are on the right track and sound strong!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hi Truth, It hurts, don't it. You sound so sweet and responsible, I just wanted, as a mom, to protect you, call this addict and p$ss off his AV. I know it's hard to be strong, maybe you are addicted to him? Anyway, there's tons of fish in the sea. Hugs to you, TF
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 10
I haven't slept. My heart has been beating fast all night.
Everyone was right. I am so terribly wrong. I don't know what happened.
He asked me to see him. And against my better judgment I did. This was on Friday. And I cried as he held me. Confused. Missing him and not knowing him at the same time.
We spent most of the night hugging. And it soothed my soul. We made love and I hated myself for it. He wasn't drinking as much as usual. Didn't even think about asking me to drink with him. It was sweet. We made plans to have me stay with him in Palm Springs while he worked.
Yesterday morning, we had sex again and then went out for breakfast. We made plans for the rest of the day. He was sick through a lot of the night. Going to the bathroom a lot. Bringing his phone with him. Had sex again and then I called a friend to check in on the plans I had with her prior to knowing I would be hooking up with my ex.
Turns out I had to leave earlier than expected. I told him I could come back after. And he said no... I obviously had to see my friends. I tried to remind him I was never planning on being there that day. He got mad at me for ditching him and wouldn't talk to me. Then...my plans got bumped several hours later. He was still pouting for another half hour. Went in and out of his room. Maybe to get his ecigs?
He finally calmed down. We ended up spending most of the day together in bliss. Went to the park. Paddle boating. Went to the zoo. Picked up lunch. I had to rush back to my friend. He jokingly accused me of stealing his e-cigarettes, though it didn't feel like a joke. I took him to buy more. He wanted to get beer. I didn't have time.
I dropped him off and got my things. I expected him to text me while I was gone as usual. Not so much. I texted him and we were chatting pretty consistently. I had dinner with my friend and wasn't near my phone. When I left I texted him back. He seemed kinda weird. Evasive. It was 7:45pm and he was going to go to sleep. I asked if he could wait 15 minutes because I wanted to talk about this mess. I was confused. He said no and made up excuses. Obvious lies.
So I went there. I wondered if he was going on a date or something. He told me not to because he had a lot of vodka, somas, and painkillers. I know him. He never tells me what he has taken willingly. He sends one more text to say he will see me tomorrow and that he's asleep. I'm already outside his door.
I'm there for about 45 minutes texting and calling him. I'm now thinking he's a jerk, a liar, or dead. I am about to call 911 and then he tells me he's fine, not there, but at a dive bar watching football by himself.
I don't believe him. I wait. Forever. He promises me he's not nor has been with anyone else. He's fine. He's not on a date. After a very long time, I go home. Defeated.
I haven't slept. I haven't heard from him. I look and feel horrible. I want to die.
Everyone was right. I am so terribly wrong. I don't know what happened.
He asked me to see him. And against my better judgment I did. This was on Friday. And I cried as he held me. Confused. Missing him and not knowing him at the same time.
We spent most of the night hugging. And it soothed my soul. We made love and I hated myself for it. He wasn't drinking as much as usual. Didn't even think about asking me to drink with him. It was sweet. We made plans to have me stay with him in Palm Springs while he worked.
Yesterday morning, we had sex again and then went out for breakfast. We made plans for the rest of the day. He was sick through a lot of the night. Going to the bathroom a lot. Bringing his phone with him. Had sex again and then I called a friend to check in on the plans I had with her prior to knowing I would be hooking up with my ex.
Turns out I had to leave earlier than expected. I told him I could come back after. And he said no... I obviously had to see my friends. I tried to remind him I was never planning on being there that day. He got mad at me for ditching him and wouldn't talk to me. Then...my plans got bumped several hours later. He was still pouting for another half hour. Went in and out of his room. Maybe to get his ecigs?
He finally calmed down. We ended up spending most of the day together in bliss. Went to the park. Paddle boating. Went to the zoo. Picked up lunch. I had to rush back to my friend. He jokingly accused me of stealing his e-cigarettes, though it didn't feel like a joke. I took him to buy more. He wanted to get beer. I didn't have time.
I dropped him off and got my things. I expected him to text me while I was gone as usual. Not so much. I texted him and we were chatting pretty consistently. I had dinner with my friend and wasn't near my phone. When I left I texted him back. He seemed kinda weird. Evasive. It was 7:45pm and he was going to go to sleep. I asked if he could wait 15 minutes because I wanted to talk about this mess. I was confused. He said no and made up excuses. Obvious lies.
So I went there. I wondered if he was going on a date or something. He told me not to because he had a lot of vodka, somas, and painkillers. I know him. He never tells me what he has taken willingly. He sends one more text to say he will see me tomorrow and that he's asleep. I'm already outside his door.
I'm there for about 45 minutes texting and calling him. I'm now thinking he's a jerk, a liar, or dead. I am about to call 911 and then he tells me he's fine, not there, but at a dive bar watching football by himself.
I don't believe him. I wait. Forever. He promises me he's not nor has been with anyone else. He's fine. He's not on a date. After a very long time, I go home. Defeated.
I haven't slept. I haven't heard from him. I look and feel horrible. I want to die.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Don't beat yourself up, TH. You just learned a very valuable lesson in setting boundaries. I remember in your earlier post, you were thinking that you two were just texting and it wouldn't lead anywhere. Now you know that a little bit of contact can suck you back in again pretty quickly. Use this as a learning experience. How will you do things differently in the future to avoid feeling like you are feeling right now?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Well, I will just say that I have dated addicts, and I realized that much as I wanted them to acknowledge that they had treated me badly and done me wrong, trying to get them to do that NEVER worked, and just kept me locked in a relationship with them. My best advice is to use this experience to confront yourself and ask what you can do differently in the future to avoid getting sucked back in by someone who makes you unhappy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
You have to decide yourself when you are done with him and done with the hurt your relationship with him causes. Maybe you are not done yet? You could choose right now to let him go, or you can continue to try to force him to be honest about his drug addiction, even though he seems pretty determined to continue lying to you about it. It's all about you learning to make the choices that make YOU happy. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Aw, you aren't going crazy, but your brain is churning around trying to control something that you can't control. Remember the three C's: you didn't cause, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. All you can do is figure out what choices will keep your from getting dragged down by his chaos.
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