anotherfool

What I find the most interesting, is that I feel more addicted to her, now that she's gone.

When she was here, I was constantly confronted by the difference between her words and actions, but when our communication was reduced to text on a page, I didn't have the benefit of witnessing all the contradictions.

Also, I find it perplexing, that if we can only help these people, by first helping/loving ourselves, doesn't that sustain our codependency, because we're still "trying to help" them?

zoso77

That will change quicker than you realize, assuming you stay No Contact.

Words mean f*ck all. Actions do, and her actions speak volumes about her character. Don't try to square her words with her actions because that's a cogntive loop you'll get lost in.

See, here's the thing. You can't help an addict. It's like trying to pour water into a container that has a hole in the bottom of it. What you pour in (love, caring, trying to help) comes right back out because the addict is incapable of receiving it. And then when you convolve a character disorder with addiction, that hole in the bottom is that much bigger.

What I learned during my misadventures with my AXGF is it didn't matter what I did or didn't do because she was going to do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, and that was simply that. And since that was the case, I learned why drive myself batsh*t crackers trying to help someone when they can't receive the help? So I detached. With love. I no longer responded to her histrionics. I no longer babied her. I no longer enabled her to be helpless. I simply watched her cognitive gyrations and eruptions as they presented themselves, which was daily. And since she's a flaming Borderline, this torqued her off because she wanted me to enable her and indulge in her pre-teen like histrionics. So she dumped me via text message with a picture of her and her new boyfriend and confessed with glee that she boinked other men when we were together.

And that, simply, was that. I was done. Whatever warmth I felt for her simply evaporated then and there. So I rode out the emotional storm and the pain that came with being betrayed. But that's only pain. The greatest, and in hindsight the funniest, thing about what she did is she lacks the self awareness to recognize she's nothing more than a sadistic little trollop. She was so proud of what she had done and the way she did it, she thought that she'd break me in two. There was no question about her character anymore. She was Borderline, with a capital f*cking B, and an apex emotional predator.

So how did I handle it? A moment at a time. The deal I cut with myself was things were going to suck for a while, and I just accepted it and believed things would get better. My friends and bandmates were great, and I got back to living the life I wanted to live on my terms. Which meant advancing my career and finishing graduate school. When I think of my AXGF, it's with disgust and disdain, and the need to take a hot chemical shower to get her grime off me still presents itself from time to time. My point, AnotherFool, is I got over it. And I got over it because I chose to cut the cord with her once and for all. That was the only way I could heal.

There is no evidence that this chick will accept responsibility for either her addiction or her truly abhorent behavior. Which is fine. That's not your problem, unless you make it your problem. What you have right now, in AA speak, is "another f**king opportunity for growth". Take advantage.

ZoSo

Kindeyes

Intent is important. I'm not helping myself in order to help the addict. I'm helping myself because my son's addiction caused me to become very sick.....just like an addict, my brain chemistry, thought processes and behaviors got very screwed up. I was going down the tubes with him (and due to the age difference...I just might go down the tubes first). Score card: Addiction 2 Me 0 I'm helping myself as a matter of self preservation, first and foremost, as well as for the others in my life who love me......not just the addict.

Yes......I am an addict......my DOC is 5'11", dark eyes, dark hair and Hollywood handsome. Is that sick? Absolutely.

gentle hugs
ke

We never stop to think about this:

The addict is totally and completely oblivious to the pain/hurt/anguish they cause in us. WE are completely oblivious to the pain/hurt/anguish that we cause as the others in our lives who love us watch us suffer in our pain/hurt/anguish over the addict.

Addicts and codependents......in my book.....they are birds of a feather. I am a codependent. It's not a part of me that I like about myself. But it's a part of me that is within my power to change if I work at it.

gentle hugs
ke

blackandblue

Forgive my zombie movie humor ahead of time. I could get all technical about what codependency is and what love is, but I am not in the mood today and cannot handle seriousness. So instead. let's talk about zombies and zombie love.

Let's pretend you are in a zombie movie. And your girlfriend in the movies has turned into a zombie. You are not a zombie, but you fell in love with her anyway because this was one hot zombie. And I hear zombie's can be pretty passionate if you know what I mean and that is the zombie trap. Bait, gotcha!

So you decide that you can save a zombie and vow to spend the rest of your life with her. And she will feed off of you as long as you let her, and after a while, she will turn you into a zombie and then you can be two happily married zombies and maybe have kids together (and hope they don't turn into zombies) and have all kinds of zombie fun.

But putting up with her and her zombie ways and her vampire friends is not so bad because after all, you are feeling good about yourself because even zombies need love and zombie love is like no other. This makes you the hero of the zombies (aka sucker). Wait no they don't need love- they are zombies. They only need to feed, and eventually they will need more than you have so they will find another source to fill their insatiable appetite.

So you grow tired of her late night cravings and crazy temper tantrums when she does not get her way, right away. So she goes out to find a mid-night snack and someone else to seduce- maybe another zombie or maybe another poor soul or maybe just a quick fix- whatever will fill the gaping hole in her empty soul.

But maybe if you just show her you love her then she will see that she is still a lovable zombie and she will change. Nope, zombies don't look in mirrors. They are too afraid of what they will see. And now you have grown sick of being treated like food, so you decide to do something about it. One option is- If you can't beat 'em then join 'em. So you become a zombie too and stay in zombie-land miserable ever after. That is pretty much the end of that story.

Another scenario- you go on the internet and research everything about zombies, join zombie lovers anonymous, and start seeing a therapist because you don't feel so good anymore and you cannot remember what you are getting out of this zombie love affair. You learn a lot about what zombies are like and now notice that in reality, it sucks being with a zombie. It is really painful and you are actually falling apart- literally you are being consumed.

But then during this epiphany in therapy and from going to "zombie dependent no more" meetings, you begin to notice that half of her face is falling off during one of her outbursts and she does not look as appealing as she once did because you start to see her for who she really is- a zombie (sorry- a person who was once a person who now has zombie-ism). You felt so sad and maybe even tried to help her put her face back on, but every time, your help was in vain and at your expense and now your face is falling off too.

So you decide to leave because maybe your leaving will force her to look in the mirror and see her "ugly" self or maybe not. But she may decide that zombie life is good. She can go on getting her needs met at the expense of others because she has learned how to use her zombie charm to survive and without remorse. One will never know what happened to this poor girl who got sucked into the life of a zombie because you will be too busy running like forest gump away from zombie land. After time and distance, you begin to heal your own wounds and remember who you used to be before you were zombie food and you know that you will never go back to her or any other zombie ever again no matter how tempting.

Alternative ending to this movie- you can get as far away from the zombie as possible now, fast-forward to the ending, role credits, and put on a new movie with a more interesting plot line and dialogue. You may never know the ending to any movie, but some are so predictable- like zombie movies. Everybody dies or at least loses essential body parts in the process. And the only survivors, the true heroes, are the ones that ran away! Protect yourself against zombie BS, and never be someone else's food again. And repeat outloud- "I am not zombie food!"

Maybe one day she will find a mirror on her own and see she has turned into a zombie and decide to get help. She may even remember that you tried to help and send you a thank you card or ask to see you again claiming to have changed. But if she has really changed, she won't need to say a thing because her face won't be falling off and you are now equipped with super zombie radar detection and can tell if she is full of it. Keep in mind and never forget, she is a zombie and this is what zombies do. You can rewrite your script and make another movie because you are the director (and I believe your higher power is your producer). Why make a low-budget B zombie movie- when you are capable of so much more?

End drama!

Vale

====================
without question!!!

Vale

============================
B&B! That was FANTASTIC!!!
Thank you for writing it!

(what was that priceless quote Woody Harrelson said on Zombieland!?)
" Mama always said that one day I'd be good at something----who knew
it'd be zombie kill'in"

Vale

B&B has brought us profound wisdom......to which we all must pay heed!

ADDICTION IS A LOW BUDGET B GRADE ( B-) ZOMBIE FLICK!!!!

( or, as my wife has said......."Damn! Low budget is one thing........but this tripe
is a new low! For God's sake, you can see the zippers on the monster costumes!!
Did some 5th graders throw this together with 20 minutes of preparation!?")

blackandblue

Glad you appreciated my zombie reference Vale, and have to keep a sense of humor once in a while. Whatever the addiction (drugs, work, people) we can all turn into "zombies" if we are not aware. I am not immune.

Anyway, AnotherFool- hope you at least got a laugh and something more insightful from everyone else that replied. Somebody really wise said to me-

"Be silent and watch, you will learn everything you need to know about a person if you say nothing. And when you feel anxious, as if you have to react and control the situation- instead, do nothing. Try to see this person without judgement- as if they are exactly who they are supposed to be and perfect just the way the are. That creates space for others to be and for you to be or to let go. Then you will know how to act with wisdom, swiftly and steadfastly, instead of react under panic and fear."

Eve13

Hey AF, these are great questions and hope you re-read folks posts as I don't perceive anyone ripping into you.
1. Yes you can get the relief you seek by writing her a letter. Take your time. Be honest. Get it all out. Then sit on it a day or 2 and re-read it to make sure it says all that you want her to know. Then burn it. Or shred it and put it in your lake (pond? river?). The point is, this is for you. It sadly doesn't sound like she's in a position to pine for your togetherness if she's already back with XBF and using. How sad to lose all of this talent.
2. Yes. A counselor is a great idea. Seriously. Especially since AA and NA aren't options. You need to talk over your relapse rescue concerns (she wants to kill herself? Get her location and call 911)
3. People ask what's up with whatshername? Why the young fling went back to school. What else is there to say?
4. Yes. A counselor is a great idea. Oh, I said that already. Don't be so hard on yourself. And if you are continually beating yourself up over this life lesson, ask what this feeling is doing for you. What is it telling you. If nothing, let it go as an un-useful feeling. Feelings are what they are, not always in our cerebral control.

Glad you're here!

anotherfool

5 days no contact, and while things are not getting better, I am certainly feeling better. Last Sunday, after our last conversation, I was feeling a little overloaded and reached out to a friend (who's in the know). As luck would have it, she was off-island until last night.

My friend came by, we talked, as much as letting go of the self-imposed isolation felt good, I was made aware of some things that were different than I thought they were. I figured that eventually I would be exposed to other lies, lies that I simply didn't know about because I was talking to no one, and it bugs me that there's probably a lot more where this comes from.

It bugs me that I let this stupid girl take advantage of my humanity.

I can't believe some of the s**t I put up with.

I have a feeling things will get worse before they get better.

And I am working on setting a hard limit on how many more of these conversations I am willing to have (concerned friends and family will likely want to talk to me, but it feels too much like I'm still engaged in her processes, and that her choices are still affecting my life)

Anyways, just a random update. No contact has been great, but clearly, there's still work to do.

anotherfool

And a side-note, this friend who came over, starting getting into this "what are we going to do for _________" train of thought, and I just didn't know what to say. Everything I read here, says there is NOTHING we can do for her, and that everything we try to do, only puts more time between now and when/if she ever gets clean. Why drag that out any more than necessary?

How to tell other people who love her, that doing something is counterproductive?

Arghhhh.

blackandblue

Why is trying to do something counterproductive? Well, look what happens when America tries to do something about the problems in other countries. Need I say more? All I'm saying is- pick your battles.

lizwig

I've heard it said when it comes to our place in another person's addiction...."I'd rather BE something TO someone than DO something FOR someone". I think that pretty much sums it up.

anotherfool

Could you explain this a little better for me? Context, example or something?

I get the "not doing" part, but "being something to someone", seems to imply interaction, or at least presence in another's life, or maybe I'm just reading it wrong.

lizwig

I see it as the opportunity to set an example.....to be a beacon of hope. A role model or a source of encouragement. To BE something. Rather than, as in my case, other people expecting me to DO things FOR my son. Him included.

You could BE the person that tells her you believe she has it in her to get clean...but you can't DO anything to assist her in that. She has to want it for herself. That was just an example...I understand you keep saying you don't want anything to do with her but for whatever reason are still expending a lot of mental energy on the topic. Not trying to offend you...I promise.

anotherfool

On a slightly different note...

I finally took my dog off her Tramadol (two ACL surgeries in the last year), and lo and behold....she's much more obedient! Just like she used to be.

Opiates. They suck.